Tim H from Viera, FL writes:
I’m pretty sure we can establish that you hate commies. What are your thoughts on socialists?
Basically socialists are watered down Commies who are in risk of becoming full-fledged Commies. I wouldn’t necessarily say to kill all socialists, though. Instead, a good beating may suffice.
Example:

SOCIALIST: The government should have more control over business.
YOU: No. (punch punch punch)
SOCIALIST: I now see the error of my ways.

A good beating could prevent a socialist from becoming a Commie. Remember: Only YOU can prevent forest fires Communists.
JFH in Charleston, South Carolina writes:
Was looking at the bag containing a McDonald’s “Happy Meal” that my wife had bought my 4 year-old and noticed that one of Kim Possible’s enemies was a guy named Monkey Fist. (see this link for a description). Not only does this guy love monkeys, but he has an army of ninja monkeys to do his evil bidding! Worse yet, he’s the one villain that my son thinks is “cool” (I blame the influence of “Power Rangers – Ninja Storm” on his fascination of ninjas). The question is: Should I be worried that my son could grow up to love monkeys and ninjas, or is this just a phase he’s going through?
First off, I have to praise you on being a good father and keeping watch on what is influencing your child. Now, I, not being “hip” or “with it”, have never heard of “Kim Possible”. At least this monkey ninja character is a villain, so perhaps the show is teaching good moral values. Your child should not think this villain is “cool”, though. Instead, he should revile him. Perhaps you should have a frank talk with your son explaining to him that monkeys and ninjas are always bad. While you’re at it, tell him not to do drugs, thus killing two birds with one stone. Also, you may want to burn down the local McDonalds to further drive home your point. Don’t worry; there should be another one less than five blocks away.
Oh, and, as with all my parenting advice, you should not do as I say under any circumstances. To me, kids are just fun targets to confuse the hell out of.
Alexandra from Fort Worth, TX writes:
I have a 3 month old German shepherd puppy. On Friday night, when I was busy in the kitchen, the puppy started chewing the leg of the kitchen table. She wouldn’t stop chewing the table leg when I told her not to chew it, so I threatened her by saying “if you don’t stop that right now, I’ll give you to the puppy-blender!” My puppy was instantly so contrite, that I felt bad. Now I have two questions: (1) was I wrong to have threatened her with the puppy-blender in order to get her to obey me?; and (2) How did she know about the puppy-blender? I find this latter question especially baffling. To the best of my knowledge, she doesn’t surf the internet during the day while I’m at work, and she came from a very reputable kennel south of Dallas, where I doubt such ugly matters as puppy-blending are discussed. Her instant compliance after I made the puppy-blender threat, however, demonstrated that she knew exactly who the puppy-blender is. I am very troubled by this. Please share your wisdom.
German Shepherds are my favorite dogs, as they are quite smart. As for your questions:
(1) I would say you are wrong to use such a threat. First of all, it’s a bluff (I assume you love your dog to much to actually give her to the Puppy Blender). Second, it’s so powerful a threat, it could actually traumatize your puppy, affecting her later in life.
(2) Dogs have a special ability to sense evil, thus they are all acutely aware of the Puppy Blender though never having actually heard of him. Dogs barking uncontrollably is always a sign that White Glenn – or a Terminator – is near.
Megan from Cleveland, OH writes:
While driving yesterday I spotted someone driving a Toyota Celica with the license plate, 6 Mao. This led me to believe that they had someone fit six communists in the car. I thought that my best plan of action was to speed up and hit the car while going as fast as possible. My question to you is, do communists have car insurance?
If I understand your plan, you would ram the car and then fix yours with an insurance claim, since the crash would be entirely the other party’s fault (as any American insurance company would agree) since he had a license plate of “6 Mao”. The only problem, as you figured, is that a Communist may not have car insurance.
Remember that there are two types of Communists commonly encountered in America: idiotic college professors and hippies. Idiotic college professors, despite the supposed justness of our capitalistic economy, actually make enough money to live on and probably have car insurance. Hippies, on the other hand, are treated much more fairly by our economy and probably don’t have enough money for car insurance. While you may be able to tell hippy from college professor by the car he or she drives, I think the best option is to lean out your window and shoot at the car. Sure, you won’t get compensated for your ammo, but what’s the cost of a few bullets in the grand scheme of things? Shooting while driving is almost as distracting as talking on a cell phone while driving, though, so be careful.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.