I just suddenly got a number of e-mails saying I’m signed up for a bunch of newsletters of a left-leaning nature (he/she used “Frank James” as my name). If someone has a problem with me, be man/woman enough to face me. I’ll meet you after school behind the gym. I may or may not have a gun.
Archive of entries posted on February 2004
Geek Joke
A co-worker of mine says he saw this on a t-shirt, and, being that a lot of what I do is digital engineer (not here, obviously), I found it pretty funny:
There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
If you can’t count to thirty-two on one hand, you probably won’t get this.
UPDATE: Here’s the link to that t-shirt. Wait a second; why am I linking to other t-shirts? Don’t be a geek; but my t-shirt.
Also, in the same vein (vain? vane?), here’s another geek t-shirt I think I remember once hearing about:
100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, FF bottles of beer on the wall…
The Universal Democratic Underground Thread
I don’t think there is a single blog out there I read that hasn’t at least once linked to Democratic Underground’s Forum. The place is like a train wreck of human thought; you just can’t help but gawk at their twisted logic and wild-eyed conspiracy theories. I’ve even ended up becoming addicted to the site; anytime there is breaking news, I think, “I wonder what the nuts are saying about this,” and head straight for DU. It’s like a daily freak show. Yet, I’ve begun to tire of it, and I realized why. In the end, it’s really just the same thing over and over. After careful analysis (two minutes thought), I think I broke down all the variance of opinion you’ll ever see on DU and put into one imitated thread. They will often go on longer than this, but then it’s a lot of the same posts being made over and over by other people.
Well, without further ado, here is the…
UNIVERSAL DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND THREAD
Continue reading ‘The Universal Democratic Underground Thread’ »
Top Ten Ways the Democrats Can Ensure Victory in the Presidential Election
Last week, I listed how Bush could lose reelection. Now, here’s how the Democrats can win.
TOP TEN WAYS THE DEMOCRATS CAN ENSURE VICTORY IN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
10. So as not to scare moderates, lock all the extreme wacko leftists in an underground cavern feeding them nothing but sardine heads and anti-Bush rhetoric until Election Day.
9. Though I’m pretty sure Satan is a registered independent, you could win the favor of his evil power by sacrificing a goat in his honor or sending him a fruit basket.
8. Gain even more potential Democrat voters by making sure that convicted felons, the criminally insane, dead people, and feces-throwing monkeys have the right to vote.
7. Don’t fall for the temptation to look tough on terrorists as that will make you lose the important “Death to America!” vote.
6. Get lots of free publicity by having attractive, female staffers have “wardrobe malfunctions” during rallies.
5. If presidential candidate had served in Vietnam, make sure to mention it.
4. Texas has a large number of electoral votes certain to go to Bush. As Janet Reno demonstrated, it’s quite flammable, and “accidents” happen.
3. Say that, if the Democrat wins, a large number of puppies will be given to orphans, but, if the Democrat loses, the puppies will be drowned while the orphans are forced to watch.
2. Use the White Zombie song “More Human than Human” in campaign commercials. That song totally rocks.
And the number one way Democrats can ensure victory in the presidential election…
Run for president in some other country, you g’damn pinkos.
UPDATE: I had some good ones I forgot about.
* Use more catchy, rhyming slogans such as “Bush lied; people died”. One idea is, “If you’re a crack addict, vote Democratic”. Or just update the old favorite: “Bush misled; people dead!”
* Use more advanced AI on voting machines so that they know that improperly punching a ballot or just staring at the voting machine and drooling are meant to be votes for the Democrat.
In the Future, All Will Be Named Frank
Harvey of Bad Money uses time manipulation to find out what the world would be like if Glenn Reynolds were never evil and I’m the ruling blogger. Sounds like a utopia to me.
A Message for the Kids
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Primaries, Stampedes, Blog Ads, Wardrobe Malfunctions, and Quarters
- More primaries today. If you’re a Democrat, go and vote. If you’re a Republican, go and beat up a Democrat in practice for the general election. Also, maybe we could work on some more confusing ballots to replace the butterfly one. I’m thinking it should involve some sort of word puzzle.
- Zeke came riding into camp, a look of terror on his face. “Get out of here!” he shouted, “It’s a stampede!”
“Dammit!” Richards yelled as he ran for his horse. “I knew Clemens couldn’t keep control of them.”
“Well, there ain’t no stopping them now,” Zeke said, “When you have a Muslim stampede, the only thing to do is get out of the way. They even crushed ole Yellar, Clemens best Muslim herding dog.”
Soon they saw the fearsome sight of thousands of men in white robes and women covered head to toe who were charging forward while ululating, running over everything in their path as if fleeing from the devil himself. Everyone not looking for a martyrship ran for cover. - Okay, maybe with the number of people killed, it’s not proper to make fun. Also, though it’s easy to point out how stupid a culture is that has deadly stampedes every year, I hardly seem in a position to throw stones when, in this country, we have people doing dumb things like rioting after a Super Bowl win. Then again, at least when I throw stones I don’t stampede.
- Instapundit finally got Blog Ads, just as I reccommended to him. I’ll wait here patiently for my ten percent commission.
Since he’s asking $800 a month for an ad, maybe he shouldn’t take my advice and spend it all on beer. - I love the Justin Timberlake explanation of the Super Bowl halftime fiasco: it was a “wardrobe malfunction.” I’ll have to remember that one.
“Were you watching strippers?”
“Honest, honey, they weren’t strippers! They just had a wardrobe malfunction!” - I’m the seven of hearts on the deck of cards of most dangerous right wing bloggers. Misha sure beat me out, though, making the ace of clubs. Then again, seven is the holy number, and many do say I’m god-like.
- Have you seen the Alabama quarter? They have Helen Keller on it, i.e., the best person they could think of to represent Alabama is someone who is deaf, dumb, and blind (BTW, what time period is Helen Keller from? I mean, is she dead now, and, if so, how would she know?).
So far, I think the most representative quarter is the New Jersey quarter. It has the image of George Washington crossing the Delaware. Take it from someone who lived in New Jersey for nine years: there is no more apropos an image for Jersey than a bunch of people leaving it. - Man, there was supposed to be a real special guest talking to my writers group yesterday but we got stood up. Well, next week will be the group critiquing of my novel, and it will be good to get some opinions from people who aren’t fans of my website. Maybe afterwards, I’ll put up some of the novel for whoever is interested to see it again (it’s been changed a bit from last time).
Anyway, here’s a neat blog from someone working for Tor with a post on rejection letters. I’ve yet to get one yet, but I’m already planning my hissy fit. - Well, I’m tired and got no more time for blogging. BTW, if you were sending ricin to Senator Frist, please stop it. Thank you.
No Beer and No HDTV Makes Frank J. Something Something
Luckily my beer survived the power outage. Unluckily, the guy who picks up TV’s for the local repairatorium threw out his back, so I don’t know when I’ll get my TV serviced. It is inevitable that the one T.V. show I watch during the week, 24, will have to be viewed on the square screen. Woe is me.
Some may think it’s petty for me to worry about my widescreen TV when there is so much suffering in the world, but I could have more empathy for that suffering if I were able to see it in HD – which won’t happen until my TV is repaired.
Anyhoo, as reported by Right Wing News, I am now one of the top 100,000 websites. Strangely, my enemy Wizbang outranked me. According to this graph, he almost reached the top 10,000 sites in ranking in December. How did that happen? What devil did he sell his soul to? Skullduggery is afoot, I say.
In My World: George W. Bush vs. Botoxulon
THIS EPSIODE OF IN MY WORLD™ IS SPONSORED BY: Quibbles ‘n Bits
Yes, that’s Quibbles ‘n Bits, the first blog to pay to sponsor an In My World™.
(okay, the tagline is something else, but I thought mine is catchier)
Deep within the depths of his campaign headquarters, John Kerry plotted his attack with Terry McAuliffe at his side. “You sure have a lot of people working here,” Terry observed, watching the everyone scurry about the cavern hideaway.
“Bah!” Kerry answered, “They are all just tasked with making my hair look important.” Kerry looked in the mirror. “Not important enough! I served in Vietnam!”
Everyone ran to work on Kerry’s hair. “Better,” he finally uttered.
“So what do you have me here for?” Terry asked.
“I want you to witness exactly what my wife’s ketchup money can buy,” Kerry answered as he took out a metal case and set it on a table. He opened it, and inside was a vial of glowing, green ooze. “This is Uber-Botox. Not only will it tighten my face until I look as young as I was when I served in Vietnam, it will also give me super-strength!”
Terry looked on in horror. “You’re mad! Mad, I tell you! Mad! …which, incidentally, our polling tells us is what the average Democrat voter is looking for.”
Kerry injected the fluid into his face. Immediately his haggard appearance tightened away. “I can feel the strength within me!” he shouted. “Now I will gain all the hate Bush vote by pummeling the president into submission. Muh ha ha ha!” Kerry then punched straight through a rock wall.
“Wow!” Terry exclaimed, “I wish I had super powers… I mean other than my ability to secrete slime through my skin.”
“Man, I can’t believe I lost all my money to Cheney on a Super Bowl bet,” Bush complained to Secret Service Agent Smith who was driving his limo. “I guess, in hindsight, I should have bet on a team who was playing in the Super Bowl… but I really like the Cowboys! You know what I mean?”
“New regulations say I’m supposed to nod quietly to whatever you say, which I am doing now,” Agent Smith answered while nodding.
“When are we getting to that fundraiser? I’m bored,” Bush proclaimed. He then picked up the phone. “Hey! Mom! Guess where I’m calling you from? …That’s right, a limo! …Really, this is the 138th time I’ve done this? …You there, mom? You there? …Must have lost the connection.” He dialed another number. “Hey, Iraq, you a democracy yet? …No? Well, have you found any WMD’s? …No? Well, I’ll check again in an hour. By the way, guess where I’m calling from!” Suddenly the car stopped. “What’s happened?”
“There appears to be a French looking person blocking the road,” Agent Smith answered.
“Well run him down!” Bush yelled, “I’m the president!”
Suddenly there was a thud on the limo’s roof.
“He seems to have jumped on top of us, sir,” Agent Smith said.
Then the roof was ripped open. “Ahh!” Bush screamed, “It’s John Kerry, the haughty, French-looking senator from Massachusetts who – by the way – served in Vietnam and has a face filled with a genetically altered strain of botulism! Quick, Smith, do something!”
“Hey, I stay out of politics,” Agent Smith said as he exited the car.
“I may be John Kerry, the haughty, French-looking senator from Massachusetts who – by the way – served in Vietnam,” Kerry said as he stared down at Bush, “but you can know me as… Botoxulon!” He then grabbed Bush and threw him out of the car.
“Oh that’s it,” Bush said, picking himself up from the ground and producing a cowboy hat from under his suit jacket. “I’m not going to be the first ever Texan to lose a fight to someone from Taxachusetts.” He then charged Kerry, landing a number of punches on his face. Kerry just stood there laughing.
“Ha! With all the Botox in it, my face is unmovable.” Kerry then struck Bush, sending him flying backwards against a brick wall.
“Ow!” Bush whined as he slowly got back up. “Guess I better use some strategery.” Kerry charged Bush, but Bush dodged out of the way as he took out a spray and used it on Kerry’s face.
“Ha!” Kerry mocked, “You think mace will have any effect on me?”
“It’s not mace,” Bush answered, “It’s an anti-bacterial spray. I’ve always carried it on me since I learned diplomacy means I sometimes have to shake hands with French people.”
“My botulism!” Kerry exclaimed, clutching his face. “It’s melting! It’s melting! My haggard appearance is coming back! What a world! What a world!” Kerry then ran off. “I served in Vietnam!”
Bush rubbed his sore back. “Man, it’s just the primaries right now,” he complained, “I’m not looking forward to when it gets near the general election.”
Agent Smith then walked towards him as he ate a sandwich. “Where have you been?” Bush demanded.
“I got a sandwich from the nearby deli.”
“Well, did you get me one?”
“You didn’t say you wanted one.” Agent Smith took another bite of his sandwich.
“Well I was in a fight for my life!” Bush yelled.
Agent Smith rolled his eyes. “So I’m supposed to assume that every time you’re in a life and death battle, you want a sandwich?”
Bush thought about that for a moment. “Yes,” he finally answered, “and on white bread.”
Agent Smith grumbled as he pulled out a notepad. “I didn’t sign up for this.”
IMAO Super Bowl Live Commentary
It’s so square. And, instead of the sound being all around me, it’s just in front of me. I guess I could have gone seen it with friends, but I’m more in the mood to wallow in my own sorrow right now.
Oh yeah, and I ripped my hakama in aikido and needed to fix that.
Wallowing in my sorrow and sewing; that’s what I’m doing.
Hey, one of the teams finally scored. Good for that team.
Hey, I could hook my DVD player to the T.V. in my bedroom and finish that movie, but then it wouldn’t be progressive scan and half the screen would be black bars. That sounds wrong.
AHHHH!
I was tyring to watch a movie I got from Netflix lastnight and then power goes out for hours. I end up reading Return of the King by candlelight and then going to bed (BTW, whoever did the book adapatation of that movie sure took some liberties).
So I get up this morning, power is back, so I go to finish my movie. I turn on the widescreen, rear-projeciton T.V., it clicks on as usual, and… nothing! No picture. No informing whether it’s on component 1 or component 2. No anything. Only nothing. Nothing! NOTHING!
AHHHH! My precious!
What do I do! I tried hitting it – no good. Anyone have any ideases? Or know how much the repairses are going to cost me…
(grumble grumble… not more nasty billses)
My mind will not be at ease until my T.V. is working again.
UPDATE: Here’s a less technical problem maybe someone could help me with. When the power went out, I went to my car to fetch the MagLite I keep in there only to find the D batteries had melted inside it (guess I should have checked on it more often). I’ve tried using a flathead screwdriver to pry those batteries out and asess the damage, but to no avail. Anyone know a good way to get out melted batteries?
At least the dead batteries still give it a balanced weight for a whomp’n.