Archive of entries posted on April 2005

RWD’s News Round-Up, Wednesday

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Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
Sorry for the late posting today. I got home late last night and never had the chance to catch up. You know, it’s tough juggling all these responsibilities. I struggle to be a good dad, a loving husband, and a hard working “little Eichmann.”
I’m working later hours just so I can afford the essentials of life- gasoline!!
Gas is getting expensive and it’s starting to hurt an already aching airline industry. I’m lucky. I recently bagged a bargain airfare.
Of course, there was a catch. Half of us had to distract the neighboring American Airlines plane by doing the “chicken dance” on the tarmac, while the other half siphoned out its jet fuel.
In all fairness, we were given extra mints. Distracting is hard work.
Some students from Purdue have scored a major prize for the third year in a row. The Rube Goldberg contest this year had a goal: to create a device that changes the batteries in a flashlight and do it in as many steps as possible. Their winning project had 125 steps to it!!
It was touch and go at the beginning; when they realized their kit didn’t include the batteries.
So they went to neighboring MIT team and started doing the “chicken dance”….
Amazing. 125 steps to complete a single task, or as the IRS would call it — the Short Form.
Interestingly enough, that is not the world record. The all time record is held by John Kerry who took 759 steps to explain if he supported the Iraq War.
Well, 760 if you count yesterday, but he’s on crutches — so that might call for an asterisk or something.

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Know Thy Enemy: Taxes

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Taxes are due Friday. I still haven’t done mine, but I have my CPA fiancée to help me get it done and submitted online. Others aren’t so lucky, and thus I sent my crack research team to find out as much as they can about taxes.
FUN FACTS ABOUT TAXES

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Where Are the Bloggers?

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Aww, man, Ducky doesn’t have a news round up today. Where did he go? And where’s Harvey?
Maybe spacemonkey will post something; he’s only half dead.
I guess I could do a news round up…
A bomb was detonated in Iraq today, killing twelve… uh… that’s not funny.
Okay, so I don’t do news round ups. Well, I’ll have a really cool post up later. Keep refreshing.

American Idol top 8

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Hi, SarahK here, reminding all of you who don’t give a rat’s pinkytoe what I have to say about American Idol to scan past this post and start a blog called “I Hate SarahK” if you so desire, because I just don’t care. Have a nice day!
UPDATE: Frank says I shouldn’t blog while angry. But I’m not angry, I’m just sad.

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Fun Trivia

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What happened to the wonderfully funny spacemonkey that use to post wonderfully funny stuff here?

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Fun Trivia

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What is the best way to identify hippies and Communists?

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New IMAO T-Shirt!

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Do you hate the U.N. as much as John Bolton? Then you need buy new t-shirt!

Very funny! You buy now! Comes in navy and black!
No proceeds go to the U.N.
Hooray!

In My World: The Ambassador the U.N. Deserves

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Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. “Are the plans in motion?”
“Yeah, everything is good,” President Bush answered, “Rummy is right now meeting with the Iraqis in Baghdad.”

“Rarr!” Rumsfeld shouted as he violently shook an Iraqi, “You get your government together so I can move on to attacking other countries!”

John Negroponte came into the Oval Office. “Hey, Negroponte,” Bush said to him, “How did the hearings go?”
“Everybody loved me! They even sang me a song!”
“Cool! Hopefully things will go as well for Mr. Mustache.”

“My first question is why someone who despises the U.N. so much would even want this job?” Senatorette Barbara Boxer said.
“I don’t!” John Bolton answered, pounding the table, “Getting this job will make me violent and angry!” He then rubbed his glasses. “Is that a woman asking me questions? They let women be Senators now? No one told me this!”
“See, this is what we need; someone who doesn’t even want the job for his own personal ambitions,” Senator Richard Lugar remarked.
“Do you think you will be able to work with Kofi Anan?” Senator Joe Biden asked Bolton.
“If I ever see him in person, I’ll bash his head in with a rock!” Bolton vowed.
“Those are the words of a reformer,” Senator George Allen stated.
“But what will other countries think?” Senatorette Boxed exclaimed.
Bolton pointed to his face. “Does this look like the mustache of a man who cares what other people think?”
“Is it true you have vowed to make all in the U.N. pay for their alleged incompetency with blood?” asked Biden.
“I’ll gut them like pigs!” Bolton shouted, wielding a custom made shiv.
“I think it’s good we have someone who is not afraid to take on the U.N.’s corruption,” Lugar commented.
“I’ll strangle them with their own entrails,” Bolton yelled, cutting the air with his shiv.
“Do you even know anything about diplomacy?” Senatorette Boxer inquired.
“Does that mean I kills them alphabetically?” Bolton responded, looking confused.
“We have Carl W. Ford Jr. here to testify that Bolton intimidated other officials,” Biden announced.
Ford sat down to testify, and Bolton pointed his shiv at him while staring at Ford with crazy eyes. “You have something to say about me intimidating people?” Bolton demanded.
Ford wet his pants and ran off. “No!”
“And we have reports that you’ve already started things off on the wrong foot,” Biden said, “Having hit Kofi Anan’s son with your car and shoved him into a duffle bag.”
“That’s my business, and I’m not answering questions about it!” Bolton shouted.
“Help me!” said the wriggling duffle bag lying next to Bolton, “I’m Kojo!”
Bolton started stomping the bag. “Duffle bags don’t talk!” Bolton looked to the Senators. “So when do I start?”

RWD’s News Round-Up, Tuesday

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Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck, and I’m here to share the news.
I continue to be awed by the power of science.
Scientists have figured out how to control a fly by remote control.
http://asia.news.yahoo.com/050411/ap/d89dbiro2.html
That is so cool. They can use lasers and other stuff to actually control the fly’s brain.
Now. You’re probably wondering what value there could be in being able to do this.
You probably would imagine two researchers controlling a fly around the room.
“Man, this is so cool.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Oooh! Why don’t we make it crash into the garbage cans?”
However, they hope that by studying the brain impulses, they can figure out the brain process of people, in particular those who commit acts of violence and those who overeat.
“Look at that guy over there. That’s his third trip to the buffet.”
“What a pig.”
“Yeah, I know. Why don’t we make him crash into those garbage cans?”
Operating the brain of a fly? Those scientists have an inspirational project.
They got the idea from watching the New York Times guide the Democrats on social issues.

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Totally True Tidbits About Libraries

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April 10-16 is National Library Week, which is being celebrated across America despite the fact that it blatantly discriminates against illiterates & LiveJournal bloggers.
However, I believe that this is an important event, because without it, I wouldn’t have an excuse to make up (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT LIBRARIES

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Frank Needs Sensitivity Training

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As a Facially-Haired American, I find Frank J’s whiskerist commentary offensive.

Links of the Day

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I didn’t blog for 3 whole days! Which means I didn’t link for 3 whole days! Here’s what we missed…
Carnival of the Recipes is up over at Aussie Wife’s place. Beautifully delicious!
Carnival of Cordite is up at Resistance is Futile!
and Right Wing News has a new t-shirt. go buy it! we like John Hawkins, even though he didn’t vote for me in the T-Shirt Babe Contest! punk. 🙂

Fun Trivia

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What’s the main thing delaying John Bolton from being made the U.S. ambassador to the U.N.?

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Frank Advice for Staying the Majority

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I keep hearing all this discussion about what the Democrats have to do to make a come back and I’m like, “Hello! Who cares? They suck!”
The real question is what the Republicans have to do to keep their status as the majority party. They spent most of last century in the minority, and they’re still adjusting to what it’s like to be king of the roost. They need to say to the country, “Hey, we own this place, and that ain’t gonna change.”
So what to do? Murder, espionage, voter-fraud, appealing to the electorate – these are all old, tired ideas; we need new, 21st century ideas. And guess who has them?
Yeah, that’s right – me! And here they are:

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RWD’s News Round-Up, Monday

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Hello,
I’m RightWingDuck, and I’m here to share the news.
In Virginia, a man was sentenced to 9 years in prison for sending unsolicited Spam.
It was really a very weak case. That’s what he gets for hiring a lawyer from a pop up ad.
So NINE years. The worst part is the guy won’t have any access to a computer. The good news is he’ll still get pop ups. Every day huge men will pop up out of nowhere saying, “Hello, would you like to have hot steamy sex?”
In other news, its being reported that Martha Stewart made $1.2 million dollars in 2004 despite being locked up for part of the year.
Of course, you hav to factor in that a lot of that was paid out in Marlboros.
In other news, Martha has announced her newest book: Cooking With Cigarettes.
So you go to prison and you just make more money? It’s just not fair.

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