(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
A couple weeks ago, a man spit tobacco juice at Jane Fonda during a book signing. As you can imagine, I was quite upset about this, because that’s really no way to treat tobacco juice.
So I was thinking… what would I like to see happen at a Jane Fonda book signing that’s not quite so abusive towards spit? Since Jane made a name for herself by lying about Vietnam veterans, maybe I should go to her next book signing and sell a book containing:

• Jane Fonda is the daughter of famous actor Henry Fonda, who is best known for his role in not giving Jane enough spankings as a child.
• Despite the similarity of the name, Jane Fonda is not a tasty cheese sauce for dipping pieces of bread in.
• Like the beaver, Jane Fonda must constantly gnaw down trees, lest her front teeth grow too long and puncture her lower jaw.
• There are no other beaver-related tidbits about Jane Fonda
• Don’t even go there.
• Although the word “traitor” is often tossed around lightly when talking about anti-war protestors, in Jane Fonda’s case, it should be hurled with great force after being written on a rock.
• In a battle between Aquaman and Jane Fonda, Aquaman would tell lies about Jane and encourage his aquatic friends to spit on her at airports.
• In the 80’s, Jane Fonda produced a popular workout tape along with a best-selling diet book, “Puke Yourself Pretty”.
• Jane Fonda currently lives in a small house in the woods that’s made out of gingerbread, where she survives by cooking and eating lost children.
• Some people say that Jane Fonda only married Ted Turner for his money, but the truth is that she just has a thing for powerful men with cheesy moustaches.
• This may explain all those “secret admirer” notes that John Bolton’s been getting lately.
• In 1990, Jane Fonda retired from movie-making because she was weary of assuming human form in public.
• She had modest success writing children’s books such as “Green Eggs and Communism” and “Horton Hears a Mao”.
• Her groundbreaking work for the advancement of feminism includes being the only woman ever to win a John Kerry Look-Alike award.
• Jane Fonda is the owner of Fonda Farms, a California ranch that raises deformed frogs which are planted in swamps across the country so that crazed hippies can claim Bush’s environmental policies are destroying the planet.
• Jane Fonda’s current horrific appearance is NOT the result of botched plastic surgery, but rather it was caused by being dropped into a vat of chemicals by Batman.
• During the last election, Jane Fonda missed becoming Pope by 3 votes.
• Apparently some of the Cardinals hated Barbarella because it didn’t feature enough pointy hats.
• Other Cardinals were more appreciative of what pointiness it DID offer.
• When listening to a Jane Fonda political speech, do not attempt make sense out of anything she says or operate heavy equipment.
• When carefully considering their respective life stories, it becomes obvious that Jane Fonda is actually the Bizarro World version of Arnold Schwarzeneggar.

If there’s anything else that belongs in my upcoming best-selling novel “Jane’s World”, let me know in the comments.