Hi. I’m your friend Laurence Simon, but it’s not yet time for another Crappy Bedtime Story.
Yeah, some of y’all have been enjoying the Crappy Bedtime Stories I tell on IMAO’s Podcast every week, and a few sickos out there have even asked about a burned CD archive of them or something like that.
I repeat: sickos! Sick sick sickos!
Anyway, these are the stories from my childhood, handed down through the deranged and twisted generations of my family. However, there’s so many tales that others have heard, different variants based on the insane xenophobic fears of your ancestors as expressed in nursery tales.
Therefore, I’m calling upon you to share your own Crappy Bedtime Stories as you were told, and which stories you plan on telling your own little ones before Child Protective Services mercifully hauls them away.
The comments are open, phone lines are standing by, and remember, that it’s never to late to start warping little minds. Unless, of course, they’re old enough to have a gun like those Menendez Brothers had.
By the way, each Crappy Bedtime Story has been thoroughly tested on one of my three cats. I used to test them all on our fourth cat, Edloe, but she died recently.
The vet says it wasn’t the Crappy Bedtime Stories that killed her, but you try telling that to the hordes of placard-waving anti-Animal Testing PETA protestors at my front door!
The nerve of some folks!
I gave you a login to this blog?
Well, at least nobody gets to say FIRST!
As much as I hated that Lincoln thing, I love the “crappy bedtime stories”
Some of my favs:
The Gingerbread Man
The Tortoise and the Hare
Little Red Riding Hood
Jack and the Beanstalk
IT
By the way, those who like the crappy bedtime stories would love a book called The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tale. That’s great. SarahK should review it.
My mom used to tell me the one about The Stashe and how he got rid of all the bad men at the UN. Then she would put a pillow on my head and hold it down really hard. Those were the very best of my formative years.
Jon Scieszka is the guy who wrote The Stinky Cheese Man and some of his other books are good, too. He also did The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs.
Here’s my favorite:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed in his cozy nest. The grasshopper, however, has no food or shelter, and shivers out in the cold snow.
So, the grasshopper breaks down the ant’s door and eats him.
The End.
Hondo, we Laurence read the Ant and the Grasshopper in the latest IMAO Podcast
My mom and dad used to tell me about gulags before going to bed to make sure I wouldn’t grow up to be a commie.
My dad also used to tell a story about Italian-American Pigs doing a “taking care of” this wolf…
Laurence
The little engine that could.
But didn’t because of government subsidies.
The Real Scott. It was a different ant and grasshopper story. No nuclear horror in mine. Just sweet revenge.