Hello Everyone,
I hope you enjoyed your holidays. It would be a shame to have people walking around in a bad mood – that’s my job!!!
Anyway, it’s time for our regular segment called…
Ask Dr. Duck.
I am here to provide spiritual nourishment, intellectual wisdom, and creative ways to use the word “doodie”.
What’s on your mind?
Post Holiday Blues? Girl/Boy trouble? Relationships? Angry relatives? Rabid weasels clawing at your door?
I can help. I’m certified in most states (okay – it’s in landscape design – but I’m certified – okay!!)
What’s on YOUR mind.
The Doctor is IN.
As a Christian, I’m interested in the etymology of “doodie,” especially as it relates to shepherds and wise men. Can you help?
Dear Doc:
I’m really sickened by Howie Dean’s involvement with Vermont’s succession initiative. Should I just lay down or can I move.on about?
I’m from South Carolina and I would strongly advise against the whole secession thing.
Help me Dr. Duck!
While swimming in the carribean, I got eaten alive by nasty sea lice. Now my bathing suit area is covered in disgusting, pus-filled postules. Benadryl isn’t helping. And my new bride won’t give me the time of day. What should I do?
Why does Lucy always pull the football away from Charlie Brown?
Is she just a mean spirited (bleep) or is there something else at play here?
Have you ever noticed that Oldsmobiles had some serious understeer problems back in the 1960s?
I think that Rosie O’Donnell is really hot. Don’t you?
Dear john:
Oh, that’s right. Thanks. Where is Stonewall’s arm, anyway?
How much do you think Fox’s programming in improved by American Idol? and how much do you think that is worth to them?
Dr. Ducky,
This question has bothered me for nigh on 30 years.
Why did Bugs Bunny always have to pass through Albuquerque (and fail to make the left turn therein) no matter where his intended destination?
O great Duck,
Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? Is this some evil plot by Karl Rove to take over the country? Enquiring minds want to know!
Dear Dr. Duck,
What is that smell?
Why don’t big corporate companies pay their bills? I can see an individual having problems, but corporate companies are supposed to have budgets…I mean what the hell?! Why do I end up calling these business monkeys three times a month just to get a freaking check?!!?
Why do bill collectors keep calling me at my job when I’m not the one issuing checks? (That’s the AP dept’s job isn’t it?)
Dr. Ducky, will you switch hat and play accountant again when time comes for evil IRS to show their ugly rear?
How can we get rid of IRS?
How should I ask that special girl to marry me? What’s the best way you’ve ever heard of?
Why is there a permamnet press setting on my iron?
I’m a little bit worried about being a slut. Like, what’f I get it wrong and they call me a slit? Or a slot? Or a slat? And another thing. I can’t stop saying that. I’m a little bit worried about being a slut….
Back in November my dog ran off. I had given him the combination to the safe just in case I forgot. I forgot. What do I do now?
Yeah, so, is this help thing still open? I have a confession. I knocked a spider off of the microwave, and the spider fell into the microwave, and I closed the door to the microwave, and I turned the microwave on, and the spider met an untimely demise. Was that cruel of me? Does that make me a terrorist? And the government is inside my computer taking pictures of me. Damn. Now they have my confession. Am I going to jail?
//Yeah, so, is this help thing still open? I have a confession. I knocked a spider off of the microwave, and the spider fell into the microwave, and I closed the door to the microwave, and I turned the microwave on, and the spider met an untimely demise. Was that cruel of me?//
I know this is doctor Duck’s job, but I’d say your level of cruelty depends on the size of the spider, say if it was only a little guy and easy to wipe off, no big deal, you’re just as cruel as your typical spider hating Earthdweller, however, if the sucker was big enough that you could hear him walking and if the ‘sploding he did made a mess all over the inside of the microwave, AND if you left it for your mom/wive/live-in girlfriend to clean up, I’d sat you’re a rat-bastard that needs to have your fingers broke and be shoved into the haunted boiler room with the lights off to pay for your cruelty…not that I’ve ever had an experience like this or anything while living in a co-ed dorm…BUT CLEAN UP YOUR OWN DISGUSTING MESSES YOU PUKEY, BUTTHEADS!!!
‘Dr’ Ducky,
Is this mole something I should be worried about?
Hi DocDuck,
I live in Las Vegas. Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Darn I have a short attention span. I forgot i had put this up.
I mean, I really am concerned about what’s on your mind.
No more questions, please.
Answers coming soon.
some guy framed me pretending to be steve the pirate and stole all of the treasure and im ticked and him and the treasure belongs too me
o sorry docter duck i was so emotionall it couldnt wate