In honor of this being the first day of Hanukkah, I – the Token Jew of IMAO™ – have decided to post the FAQ that I use for when people ask me all sorts of stupid Hanukkah questions:
How is Hanukkah spelled?
Just like it’s pronounced.
Why doesn’t Hanukkah start on the same day every year?
It does. You’re just using the wrong calendar, a-hole.
What Channukkah music is there to play?
Don’t bother. Not even Apple would charge for it on iTunes.
Is (X) Jewish?
What am I, the Tel Aviv White Pages?
Why is the menorah lit at night?
Because it’s dark at night, stupid. What, you’re going to waste such nice candles to light the day? Are you Catholic or something?
Why are Hanukkah candles sold in boxes of 44?
Because Jews are good at math.
What’s the song that people sing while lighting the candles?
It’s called “Baruch Adutoy Adenoi.” It roughly translates to “Don’t burn your fingers, Dummy.”
How do you size a yamulke?
Your bald spot plus one inch.
What foods are eaten during a Hanukkah celebration?
Whatever your mother puts in front of you. Don’t complain!
Is it true that versions of Clue in Israel use a menorah instead of a candlestick?
No, but Monopoly race car token has been replaced by a sensible four-door sedan that gets good gas mileage.
Is it okay to gamble on which candle goes out first?
No. Shame on you.
Eight reindeer pull Santa’s sleigh. What pulls Hanukkah Harry’s cart?
A tow truck. I told him not to park there, but he never listens.
What if you blow out the candles before they are done?
You die.
Are you supposed to abstain from any particular activities during Hanukkah?
Don’t be such a putz.
What if the smoke alarm goes off?
Don’t buy cheap candles next time, you goniff.
In a fight between Aquaman and Hanukkah Harry, who would win?
Nobody. This is a season for peace, not fighting.
Why can’t I get Hanukah off when my friends get Christmas off?
Wait… you have Christian friends? What’s wrong with you?
I’ve seen electric menorahs. Are they okay to use?
No. People will think you’re gay.
What’s the meaning of the Hannukkah bush?
Some imbecile tried to assimilate. We kicked him out of the congregation years ago. Maybe you’ve heard of him? David Duke?
People who celebrate Kwanza also light candles. Is this related to the Hanukkah menorah?
Some black person broke into a Jew’s house, and stole the menorah. But he broke off two candles in the process. He also got the stereo and the silverware, but those were fenced before they could be incorporated into the ceremony.
What is the meaning of the four symbols on the dreidel?
Oy! Is this dreidel safe for kids? Player must examine dreidel for sharp edges before next player takes turn.
Huh? – Meaning of symbol lost in Shoah. All players weep profusely in shame.
Nu? – Player must clean the dreidel because they’re playing on such a dirty floor.
Feh! – Player determines that spinning a top is a stupid game and goes off to play some X-Box.
What goes “Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns!” ?
A blind guy on the eighth day of Hannukah.
What if you live in a neighborhood that prohibits the burning of candles in a menorah?
Burn your neighbors’ houses down instead.
Why are gifts given on every one of the eight nights of Chanukah?
It helps the economy.
If Christians have Santa Claus bring gifts, what do Jews have for Chanukkah?
The decency not to fill their kids’ heads with fairy tales and lies.
For a slightly more substantive explanation of Chanukah, see:
http://www.townhall.com/opinion/columns/paulgreenberg/2005/12/25/180240.html
I’m still confused by the 44. Eight days, but nine candles… how do you get to that number?
You got me on the flying saucer, Frank, I’m not falling for that one.
Factorially speaking.
Frank: on each night, we light an additional candle besides the ones corresponding to that night’s number. That candle, called the shammash (servant), is used to (a) light the other candles, and (b) to serve as a source of usable light, since the actual Chanukah lights themselves are reserved specifically for commemoration of the miracle, and are not to be used for mundane purposes.
So the total number of candles lit during the holiday is (2+3+….+8+9) = 44.
By the way, congratulations on your wedding!
Wait…wait…wait. You missed the most obvious question of all! Why is Hannukkah spelled Chanukah? What’s the diff? Is there a diff? I’m so confused…
//Why are gifts given on every one of the eight nights of Chanukah?
It helps the economy.//
Is this kind of like why the Catholics only eat fish on Friday, right? It’s not really spiritual the way my hubby keeps telling me. They’re just keeping Long John Silvers in business.
Pam –
Don’t ask me. Look above, and you’ll see that I don’t even know what a factorial function is.
Alex –
Frank already knew all that. He can even spell “Seleucid.” He’s just yanking our chain because he hates us.
So, yah. I laughed.
Have a blessed holiday season,
you christian reader,
Mike
Damn, that was hilarious.
Dear Frank J.:
I think you get from eight to nine by adding one. Then, apply a MacLaurin Series and you’ll get a good estimate of 44.
Mr. Simon:
I know what you mean. I was a token gentile on an all-Jewish softball team, and my teammates weren’t sure if I would count. By the way, that team had an NCAA Div.I wrestling champ on it – Alan Fried from Beachwood, OH. Good glove, no stick.
Above and oblivious.
Yeah, I got 45 before, but, if you start with two candles and move to 9 over eight days, you get 44.
Mr. Simon:
On the other side at Spav Ass, they have something on ‘Joo-ville’ today. I don’t get it. I’m not a Joo.
Hey, Laurence,
Don’t forget the russian/polish way to celebrate Chanukkah – recreating the miracle in which the bottle of vodka which was meant to last eight days only lasted one. Daily, for the really observant.
Does it take chutzpah to eat challah during Chanukuh??
I think I just coughed up a hair ball.
Pam,
Hanukka, Chanukka, doesn’t matter how it’s spelled because you can’t spell it correctly in English anyway.
The first letter is properly pronounced just as jonag suggested: it’s the sound of a cat trying to cough up a hairball. English doesn’t have a letter for that sound. Deciding whether to represent that with a very hard “H” or a fairly soft “CH” is left as an exercise for the student.
Next week, at the end of the season: one “K” or two?
Regards,
Ric
Can our distant Maccabean origins provide a deeper understanding of the Islamonazi mentality ?
Warning: May contain mixed tangled metaphors and speculation on the effectiveness of an RPG-7 against a War elephant.
http://sixdaysmore.blogspot.com/2005/12/talibanukkah.html
why is the democratic and liberal party trying to destroy this country? Why is it that all there racist towards whites and killings,stealing,supporting terrorists,supporting racism towards whites. Why is this so open and abled to get away with it or shall i say a free pass to do what ever they want why is this happening? Why is the democratic party going against everything the prsedent does to help secure and make the freedom they enjoy so much harder on everyone even to leak top secret and classified information public that could hurt the security of the united states. WHERE IS THERE HEAD? I dont under stand after the last few months i see the democratic libral party as terrist. Like the so called democratic liberal civil rights NAACP.BLACK CULKUS LEADERS,BILL CLINTON AND ALLOT OTHERS supporting people like FARROKON and Dr. kambon and tookie williams and other racist and killers? Kamboon said “We need to kill all the whites of the face of the planet” Farrokon said “THE WHITE DEVIL IS THE BLAME FOR EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG TO US (US MEANS BLACKS AND MUSEUMS) AND BILL CLINTON SAID” FARROKON HAS ALLOT OF POSITIVE THINGS IN ALL HIS COMMENTS AND I SUPPORT HIS OPTIONS” Now whats going on here? Where is the big media news groups at on all this???????????? Only one who has ever reported it is FOX NEWS. And some of the racist things was on live CNN tv then after it happened they take it off there web site like nothing ever happened. And why is the NAACP trying to help a killer in jail because he is black thats why. where was they when the 1,000 man to be executed died ooo that was a white man. i see how it works. And why is it ok for blacks to be call AFRICAN AMERICANS and no other races does that and if they did it would be racism. Why is it that the black race has MISS BLACK AMERICA,BET TV,BLACK COLLEGE FUND,NAACP,BLACK CULKUS LEADERS, AND A LOT OTHERS TO LONG TO LIST! Now if any of the above was like WAACP OR WHITE TV OR WHITE COLLEGE FUND that would be racist! And with the black race being 27% of the population of the united states the crime rate should be of more of whites and others. why is the crime rate high on the black race? Because they are the problem. if you have ever been to a all black community and i have they will kill each other and all kinds of stuff and they live like animals this is no lie and i think people are afriead to say it because it would be labeled a racist. i know i have been there and got the shit beat out of me and almost killed over a leather jacket my brother gave me. its sad. They use racism as a crouch and will use it to get what ever they want and they get it. and its wrong and needs to stop. now i will be labeled a racist because of everything i say but the truth is i have black friends who say the same thing that alot of there race is out of control. and they say the samthing i said no one is willing to take on the matter because you will be labeled a racist from the racist NAACP AND OTHERS! This is a serious problem not a politic game of voters its a problem that is growing out of control and no one is trying to stop it. I got 4 girls to raise and iam afraid to send them out into this crazy country. i moved from the city to get away from this stuff and i did its like night and day and so nice up here in the country where if something goes wrong we all stay to gather and help everyone who needs it. no killings,no drugs on the corners or in the park trying to sell to are children,no stealing of bikes and toys or cars or breaking into houses etc….its great and it would be great if all the country could be like this. but thats a fantasy.
Since when did the comments become a shout box? Here’s a hint: The comments are for… you know… commenting. If you want to write an essay that has nothing to do with the post you’re commenting on, then get your own damned blog… or go to a messageboard somewhere.
The comment I’d like to make is for Bick – One word for you sweetcheeks: Proofreading.
I love a good rant every now and then, but the lack of subject/verb agreement and consistent tense tend to put me off. We’re the party of people that can actually think, so try not to blow that image there lovenoodle.
Kisses and disdain,
-Jesse
WTF?…I don’t see how the media has anything to do with an inside knowledge of Hannukkah(sp?)
Thank you for confusing the little I knew about Chanukah in the first place. As they say, ‘your job is done.’
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