Dr. Duck has answers from Wednesday’s questions. Obviously these are questions that burn your soul.
What would you guys do without me: except lead productive lives.
Here are the questions and answers.
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Dr Duck,
What is the point of being FIRST in all IMAO posts? I don’t understand the phenomenon at all.
Posted by NMUSpidey at February 22, 2006 04:23 PM
A history lesson: A long time ago, Frank J would keep to a vigorous writing schedule called “I’ll post when I feel like it.” His fans, upon seeing his writing would compete to be the first person to make a comment. This is kind of silly. I mean — would you see this sort of thing anywhere else. ?

President Bush. And that concludes my speech. Any questions?
Helen Thomas: FIRST!!!
President: What is your question?
Helen: Nothing. I’m FIRST! I raised my hand FIRST!
President: Do you have a question.
Helen: No, I just think you should stop killing sweet innocent Iraqi babies.

Why do trolls bother with us? We know how lame we are already, why do they waste their breath?
Posted by spacemonkey
I’ve never understood why people feel they can insult us. We write to entertain ourselves. Most of us don’t take ourselves too seriously, except for Frank who walks around yelling, “Worship me!”. Come to think of it — that’s just not right.
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How do I keep the stupid cats from being scared of my new dog Rowdi?
Posted by Frank J.
Dogs have a strong sense of smell. It’s very important that your cats smell like something a dog likes. Try covering them in ketchup.
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Dr. Duck, How retarded does someone have to be to think humans are causing global warming? And just what is wrong with global warming anyway? Might help Denver get to host the Super Bowl one day.
Posted by PaleoMedic
Personally, I’m hoping for more global warming. If it floods, I have property in Arizona that would become beachfront land! I’ll call it Otisberg — or Duckyland. I’m not sure. It’s a good plan. Actually — it’s super.
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Dr. Duck,
Would it be morally or legally wrong to spray Rowdi with catnip and the cats with rabbit scent for entertainment purposes? If, it is, would it be okay to do just the catnip part?
Posted by MDL
One word: Ketchup.
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Dear recent convert to the Religion of Peace (TM), will those 72 virgins be wearing burkhas, because if they are, that will be no fun at all.
Posted by motopolitico
Technically speaking, we’re not even sure if the virgins are female. But I’m hoping. I keep thinking it’s some sort of evil trick: Like I’ll kill Laurence Simon and when I get to Allahworld (or whatever it’s called) I’ll get virgins, but then they want me to meet their parents, get a job, bathe. Stuff like that.
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On a island there is a man who is a barber; this barber shaves all and only those men in the village who do not shave themselves. Question: Does the barber shave himself?
Posted by Dr. Phat Tony
Oh wait. I saw this in a movie. The barber is a kid right? But he doesn’t know he’s dead? And then Bruce Willis kills him again.
Note to self: See more movies. And get a haircut.
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Dr. Duck,
I’m watching Jean-Luc Godard’s weirdas hell classic, “Alphaville.” How can I use this information to get chicks?
Belloq
Dr. Duck,
Please disregard my earlier question on Alphaville. I now know I’m a total nerd and will never get chicks other than by mail.
My replacement question is: what is the difference between libertarians and Neo-cons?
Belloq
Grasshopper: I believe you have just made that transition.
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What is up with that Arick Baldrim guy?
Posted by CWChute
I don’t know. Last I checked he was hanging out with puppets?
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Dear Dr. Duck,
Is it bad to have a logical and possible plan to take over the world? Or is it only a problem if you actually try to take over the world?
Posted by ssj2gunslinger
There’s nothing wrong with being prepared: Clean underwear, shotguns, canned goods. A good plan to take over the world can keep you entertained for hours at a time. Excuse me: I have to finish up some , er, secret plans–
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Dr. Duck
Did you know that the square root of 6,524,277,529 is 80,773?
Posted by wRitErsbLock
I think it’s very closed minded of you to think that there is only one answer to this question! Here are some other choices:
All of the above
Tralse
Yes, but President Bush hates ducks.
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Oh great and wise Dr. Duck –
As an unfortunate side effect of y’all branching out into pod casting, I now “hear” each of you reading your posts on IMAO. However, lately when I have been reading Frank J. posts, the voice in my head is spacemonkey. Does this mean that spacemonkey has killed Frank and taken over IMAO? Should I call the cops?
Posted by Brian the Adequate
Excellent: My secret plan is working! I mean- there’s nothing to see here. Move along.
Out of curiousity – do those voices make you less or more inclined to do our bidding?
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Please explain this extreme, for a lack of a better word or two “fetish” with, “nuking the moon.” if frank j. nukes it and the light of it goes out then what will happen to the moonbats that seem to draw strength from it???
Posted by tim
I resent your use of the word fetish. The moon is beautiful thing. Have you ever seen it wearing leather.. I mean. Let’s move on. Nuking the moon can affect moonbats in a couple of ways. They will either day, or blame the lack of moon on global warming.
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Dr. Duck,
Are you going to answer my question THIS time? Thanks.
Posted by SkyeChild
Yes, I will
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Dr. Duck,
If a friend who has a, ahem, homely wife tries to set you up with a woman he says is “smoking hot” do you trust his judgment and go? Time is of the essence here, I have to answer by Friday.
Posted by coleman063
Let’s have an honest talk. If your friend has such bad taste why is HE the one who has a wife, while you’re at home reading IMAO? Maybe it’s you. Maybe you just THINK your date looks like a pirate: Did you know that there has been a surge in the popularity of peg legs? Maybe she’s the right one for you. Just think: you two could be walking in the moonlight when she says “You’re a good man you Arrrrrrrr.”
On second thought: Stay home. And tell your friends about IMAO.
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Dr. Duck,
What would happen if I “accidentally” went through the fire exit that sounds the alarm of doom in my dining hall? What about pushing somebody else through the exit? Does it still count if it’s April fool’s Day?
Posted by SilverBubble
Remember: free speech gives you the right to push people through the fire exit. Or is it yell FIRE! I forget! Sometimes it’s fun to make people think that valuable cash and prizes are hiding right behind the door. Then when they open it — Brap. Brap. Braaaaap. The alarms rings and you yell: You won!!! You won!
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Dear Dr. Duck,
You have been accused of being a “bland white” person. Does the troll know something that we don’t?
Posted by Master Shake
I feel very insulted. I consider myself I Spicy White Person.
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Duckie McDuckerson,
Where are my car keys?
Posted by Stranded
They are right over there. Right behind the fire door.
* Braap. Braap. braaaaap
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Hi Dr. Duck,
Where’s the beef?
Posted by Janna
Um. See that fire door over there?
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Dr. Duck,
What do you think SarahK-J thought about that gross pic of her hubby and spacemonkey, brokeback-style?
And how much ransom money should I bring if I one day ever lost my mind and wanted to vacation to Mexico?
Posted by rightwingimmigrant
It’s a blatant stereotype that in Mexico (aka Spicy America) people will take you hostage and demand cash. Many of todays SA’s also take credit cards and some even accept PayPal.
As far as the pics are concerned: we took a sacred oath to never speak of them again. ::shudders::
dr. duck,
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why didn’t you answer my question last week?
follow up: is that why you never call me anymore?
Posted by shane
Shane: There are a few signs in life that people are ignoring you. Does it feel like people start to talk to you and then..
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Dear Enlightened Duck,
I desire to do the will of Allah-the problem is, my American job is getting in the way. Could I still be considered a good Muslim if I just did a little suicide bombing on the side? I’m willing to negotiate…maybe getting 36 virgins instead of 72?
-Al Kinda
Posted by tongueincheek
You’re what’s wrong with the Religion Of Peace!! I try to do my darndest to do well, and somebody like YOU comes around to undercut me and work for less money!! Then somebody else comes around and does it for 20 Virgins. And before you know it, we’re having to outsource our killing!!
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why is it, that when I click your link on the left of the IMAO homepage, all I get is a page that tells me how I can own a website? I don’t want to own a website. I want somebody else to do all the work so I can sit on my tuckus and laugh hysterically at barking moonbats. Is that so wrong?????????
Posted by BigOrangeAxe
Modesty. I could easily tell you to visit me at the RightWingduck website. But many of you already know about RIGHTWINGDUCK.
I mean, RightWingDuck has great humor. Though, lately, I haven’t posted much that you won’t already find here. But you should keep that in mind.
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Dr. Duck,
To keep Moonbeam from having to ask this, “Why don’t Frank and Sarah just give the dog a ‘Y’???”
Posted by DesertElephant
Let’s review the things you can give a dog. A nick. A nack. A paddywack. A bone. Nope. The Y is nowhere in that list.
I hate when people add extra letters just to make a name look cool.
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Okay. Enough for this week. Glad to see people bringing the questions to the table that make life so fulfilling.
signed
Ducky-y.