Seeing Hugo Chavez and Ama-dibba-dobble-dooble on TV all the time has made me realize one truth: Foreign leaders are a nuisance that must end.
Foreign leaders smell, talk in funny languages, and get in America’s way. They contribute nothing and should be done away with. We should all sign a petition urging our government to end the practice of there being foreign leaders.
Or, alternatively, it could be required that the guy who translates thuggish foreign leaders speeches live for TV be a flaming homosexual, because that would be funny.
“Iran is super! Thanks for asking! And I’d just like to add, I think suicide bombers are fab-u-lous!”
Just throwing some ideas out there.
BTW, do you think the whole “it smells of sulfur here” comment from Chavez was to try and cover the fact he let out a huge fart? Does he do that back in his country?
“Do you smell that? I guess Satan was sitting here earlier.”
Really, if you’re going to spend all your time saying Bush is the devil and reading Chomsky, then start a diary on Kos and leave running a government to more serious people.
Archive of entries posted on September 2006
All Oil Companies Suck
This I know, for the Bible tells me so. No wait, that’s something else. Oh yes. Jesus loves me. But anyway, I know that all oil companies suck, because I feel it in my soul, whether the Bible says it or not.
But there is one that sucks more than all the rest. That one is Citgo. And we know why. Citgo is Hugo Chavez’s baby. And yesterday, Hugo said that America is on its way down, “insh’allah” (God willing in Arabic). Citgo smells like sulfur.
I’ll be honest. I’m not a boycotter. I’m just not. Sometimes I say it’s because they don’t work. You can’t get big enough participation in a boycott to actually make it work. Plus, with a boycott of a nutjob like Chavez, some loony nutter on the left is going to round up all of his friend and the two of them are going to fill up their hybrids like twice a day at Citgo just to show their support for the great happy fun sunshiny place that is communism. Of course, driving the hybrids around to expend that gasoline between fillups will cause global warming and make the earth burn to cinders within 30 minutes, so then we won’t have to worry about the threat of Iran and Al Qaeda anymore, so maybe a boycott will do some good.
The truth behind why I don’t boycott is that I’m just lazy. Lazy lazy lazy. Boycotting requires work, it requires going out of your way, and in the case of food and products, it sometimes requires eating products that don’t taste as good or consuming products that don’t work as well. (As an aside, I do wear undies that are made in Israel. And to prove my point, yes. They’re stinking uncomfortable and should be used by the CIA in interrogations of terror suspects.) And if I start boycotting every country that has a stupid leader or every cuckoo singer that comes out with their tongue hanging out of the side of their mouth saying that Bush personally drowned 6500 black people standing next to the levees in New Orleans, I’ll be stuck wearing clothes made out of cotton I can grow in my own yard (I don’t know the first thing about that!) and loading my mp3 player with recordings of myself singing “Hugo Chavez is a Big Fat Bobblehead”.
But this is gasoline. Gasoline is gasoline. They can make all their little commercials and claims about how one gasoline is better than the next. Whatever. Cars are gonna fall apart no matter what gasoline you put in them. And it’s only about another mile between the Citgo right next to our house and the next sucky oil company (bp).
Screw him. Screw Citgo. My boycott is on, you bobbleheaded pincushion.
(Frank, in case you are wondering, your boycott is on, too.)
Quote of the day!!!!!
President Nutjob from Iran:
“If the nuclear bomb could have saved anyone, it would have prevented the collapse of the Soviet Union.”
Oh my goodness, I am howling with laughter at that one. (Sorry, I’m catching up, I had to pause the TV for a call from my mother who was profiling Arab-looking kids at the airport. They turned out to be in the Army, but you can never be too careful.)
I Hope My IMW Book Will Get This Sort of Product Placement
CAPTION CONTEST!!!
It’s a great read about America’s imperialistic excesses. Plus, you can beat dissidents with it.
I’ll announce the winner of the previous caption contest soon and award him or her the IMAO bonus points.
Waterboarding USA
To show what the horror of waterboarding, Andrew Sullivan turned to a clip from the scifi show The 4400. Unfortunately, the government stepped in to keep him from revealing the truth.
Last night on The O’Reilly Factor, though, ABC investigative reporter Brian Ross gave exclusive details on who the CIA has used waterboarding on and what information was gained and who broke down crying like a little girl. Reportedly, an attack against a huge target was thwarted from information got by waterboarding Khaled Sheikh Mohammed.
So, people like Sullivan have to ask themselves how many lives saved justify waterboarding Al Qaeda terrorists. The answer for me is .005 people; if waterboarding KSM might save one person from skinning his knee, I’m all for it.
Anyway, make sure to watch this important video over at Hot Air.
Other Interesting Hot Air Videos:
* If you want a journalist to stand up to a dictator, have the dictator question his journalistic integrity. Watch Anderson Cooper zing Ama-dibble-dooble-dibber in an interview.
* Glenn Beck was right; we’re going to get nuked.
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) Who thinks it is “unpossible” that he’d fail English?
2) In “Homer Alone”, where does Marge go to get away from it all?
3) (T/F) Baby photographer and airline steward are two of the jobs Marge’s dad once had
4) Marge once worked as a carhop at which burger stand?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.
The Ultimate Showdown!
Of Ultimate Destiny!
Optimus Prime versus Batman versus Godzilla versus…
It’s every cool character ever in a battle to the death. Watch it now.
Who do you think should have won?
(hat tip to Musilhoon)
In My World: fU.N.
A horrible roar echoed through the hallways.
“It’s the Bolton!” shouted a UN peacekeeper. “Open fire!”
They all fired, but Bolton wasn’t even slowed.
“His mustache! The bullets are bouncing right off it!”
“Then fire around it!”
“We can’t! It’s too big!”
Bolton came ever closer, his ‘stache quivering with fury.
“The UN guys give you much trouble here?” President Bush asked John Bolton.
“No. They are nothing to me.”
“Cool.” Bush looked around the luncheon to the other foreign dignitaries. “I thought we were supposed to come in our tribal clothes. That’s why I have my cowboy hat and my gun belt.” Bush patted his six-shooter.
“They allowed you to bring that in here?”
“No one complained who wasn’t shot.” Bush smiled. “I’m gonna pistol whip that Ama-dibba-dabba-dooble midget from Iran. I don’t like him.” Bush looked around again. “Hey. There’s Hugo Chavez! I want to hurt him too!” Bush ran over to Chavez.
“El diablo!”
“I don’t know what that means,” Bush said, “but I have a message for you.” Bush hit Hugo with his pistol, knocking him to the ground. He then started stomping him. “That’s right! I stomp Communists!”
“Diablo hurt Hugo!” Hugo cried.
“Then why don’t you see if you can get a hug from one of your terrorist friends.” Bush then spat on Hugo. “Nutjob.” He walked back over to Bolton. “This luncheon is fun! I should come to U.N. Security Council meeting more often. I wonder who I should hurt next?”
“You stupid American!” Jacques Chirac shouted at Bush. “Why must you oppress the dictators of the world? France will use all its power to stop you!”
Bush just stared at Chirac. After a few moments, Chirac tossed his wallet to Bush and dropped to the ground and curled up into a ball. “That’s right.” Bush looked through the wallet and then tossed it back to Chirac. “That’s all stupid French money. Get it exchanged for real money then give it back to me.”
“Yes sir,” Chirac squeaked and then scampered off.
Bush kept looking around. “So where’s the itty-bitty Iranian?”
“There.” Bolton pointed to the entrance to the luncheon where Ahmadinejad stood, peering inside cautiously.
Bush strolled over and smiled mischievously. “Come on in, stubby. I want to ‘greet’ you.”
Ahmadinejad looked at Bush and shivered. “Uh… I would but…” He pointed at a bottle on a table. “There’s wine! Yeah, that’s the ticket, I can’t come in because there is wine. Wine has alcohol and that’s against what Allah says in… uh… that book I read.”
Bush looked at the bottle. “That’s sparkling grape juice.”
“Well… uh… that’s something made to resemble an alcoholic beverage, which is also an insult to Allah… or something… I think. I’ll have to consult an imam on this.” Ahmadinejad ran off.
Bush went out into the hallway and shouted at him, “Yeah! Go run off to your imommy!”
“So, you have your speech ready?” Bolton asked Bush.
“Yeah. I think it will go over well. I’m not the best public speaker, but I could be worse.”
“The next question goes to Senator George Allen.”
Peggy Fox looked through her notes. “My question is…” She stood up and pointed an accusing finger at Allen. “Joooooooooooo!”
“I’m not a Jew! I’m not a Jew!” Allen exclaimed. He pointed back at Fox. “You’re a macaca!” He then moved his finger to point at everyone in the audience. “You’re all macacas!”
“The next speaker is President Bush of…” Kofi Annan checked the paper he held. “…the United States.”
The auditorium erupted in boos. Bush fired his gun in the air. “Shut up! I’m speaking now!” Bush pulled out some index cards and began reading out loud. “Now, you know we all hate the U.N. here in America. It’s stupid and annoying. Plus, it’s full of foreigners who all smell. A number of times I’ve suggested turning this building here into a big shooting range. If that happens, we won’t give you any warning though; just one day a bunch of people will enter here firing guns. Also, I hate your leader, Coffee Anna. I don’t want to be accused of using racial slurs, but he’s a dumb cracker and I curse his mustache.
“But I digress. The reason I’m here is because of Iran and how its dwarven leader wants nukes. I was going to beat him up, but he actually runs pretty fast on those stubby little legs. I shouldn’t just focus on him, though, since he’s just a puppet of those mad mullahs. And it’s appropriate that he’s a puppet because he’s small… like a puppet. Anyway, if Iran keeps trying to get nukes, I will nuke them. But, I don’t want to hurt the citizens of Iran who want democracy, so I’ll use those nukes that only kill one person at a time on Ama-jibber-jabber and those mullahs.”
Bush looked to Bolton. “What do we call those nukes that only kill one person at a time?”
“Bullets.”
Bush addressed the auditorium. “Yes, I will kill the Iranian president and the mullahs with bullets.” He started reading from the index cards again. “I would like your support in this. I don’t actually need it, though, because I’m the President of the most powerful nation ever. Actually, I’m not even going to stay and listen to your speeches to see if you support me, because those speeches will be in crazy languages I don’t understand and they will be made by people who don’t even live in America. Now, I don’t listen to what most Americans say, so why would I listen to people who don’t live in America? That wouldn’t make any sense at all.
“Still, you people can help me. Many of your countries are stupid, but you can still follow simple instructions.” A wallet was tossed to Bush, and he caught it and checked the inside. He then pocketed it. “See, even a Frenchman can follow simple instruction when given forcefully. I know some of you will never help me, like Hugo Chavez, so I’ll probably beat you up while you’re here since I don’t have time to fly to each of your countries and then beat you up.”
Hugo held up a Noam Chomsky book to protect his face. “Save me from Diablo!”
“That’s the only reason I like having the U.N.,” Bush continued. “It brings all the dictators to me so I can beat them up instead of going to their countries… which usually smell. One day, I would like to break Castro’s hip… preferably before he dies.”
Bush took out his last index card. “In closing, after this November, I can pretty much do whatever I want since I no longer have to worry about public opinion. What I will want to do will probably cause many of you to cry and me to laugh. It will be fun. Thank you, and God bless.”
Suddenly, a bunch of people ran into the auditorium firing guns. Bush was surprised for a second, but then he slapped his forehead and said, “Oh yeah, that started today.” Bush took his gun out and fired it into the crowd. “Yee haw!”
IF YOU HEAR SOMETHING EXPLODING
IT’S MY HEAD!
IF YOU FEEL THE EARTH SHAKE, DON’T WORRY, IT’S JUST ME CONVULSING, BECAUSE I HAVE SEIZURES WHEN I AM UPSET. AND HUGO CHAVEZ IS CALLING GEORGE BUSH THE DEVIL AT THE U.N. GENERAL ASSEMBLY RIGHT NOW, AND … SHORT… OF… BREATH… HE CROSSED HIMSELF HAVING TO STAND ON HE SAME PODIUM AS THE DEVIL GEORGE BUSH… I’M TOO ANGRY… “IT SMELLS OF SULFUR STILL TODAY.”
ANGRY SARAH…
HOLDING UP NOAM CHOMSKY BOOK SAYING THAT IT’S THE BESTEST BOOK ON EARTH AND EVERYONE SHOULD READ IT. U.S. WANTS WORLD HEGEMONY. WE MUST ALL RISE UP AGAINST IT AND AGAINST AMERICA… AMERICA IS A COUNTRY OF FALSE DEMOCRATIC ELITES.
VENEZUELA WANTS TO REESTABLISH THE UNITED NATIONS. We need a psychologist to analyze President Bush. Oh, and by the way, can I have a seat on the security council?
!@#$%^&()!@#$%^&(!@#$%^&*() Oh, SarahK needs to say a prayer right now, because SarahK made an ugly hand gesture at the TV and said something very very ugly to Mr. Hugo Chavez.
IF SARAHK WERE PRESIDENT…
If SarahK were president, Mr. Hugo Chavez would arrive home to find his favorite comfy chair relocated. The kitties would love to sleep in Mr. Chavez’s favorite comfy chair. Scratch that. Mr. Chavez would not have received a diplomatic visa to the United States and would not be giving a speech in New York, which is in the United States. If some guy (who would be losing his job) accidentally gave a diplomatic visa to this guy, this guy would be – ahem – detained by – ahem – an organization unknown to the hegemonistic SarahKU.S. government. All of Mr. Chavez’s oil, i.e. Citgo, would now belong to the hegemonistic U.S. government. Oh yeah, and the U.N. wouldn’t actually be here anymore, and the U.S. wouldn’t actually be a part of that worthless organization. So we’d have a lot more money for fighting terrorists and building borders! Yay!
And Mr. Chavez would get to sit down in a room for hours upon hours in the dark until all the hours ran together and Mr. Chavez wasn’t quite sure how many days had passed. And when the door to the room opened, he would get to see this.
Continue reading ‘IF YOU HEAR SOMETHING EXPLODING’ »
Nuke Does Not Mean Destroy
Apparently there was an episode of Mr. Show with a sketch about blowing up the moon. I’ve never seen Mr. Show and don’t know when that sketch first appeared, and, before anyone accuses me of plagiarism, know that my advocating nuking the moon does not mean I want it destroyed. My plan has been to explode a nuke on the moon’s surface so it’s visible to everyone, but otherwise leave it unharmed (but with a cool new crater).
I hope that clarifies things.
Democrats Only Wish They Had My Genius for Negative Ad Campaigns
Glenn Reynolds wonders if Democrats are going to start channeling me for their negative ads. Wouldn’t hurt. I mean, who are they channeling now? A three-year-old with an ear infection?
Anyway, for the record, Michael Steele loves puppies.
UPDATE:
I hear there is a whisper campaign among lefty blogs trying to spread the rumor that Michael Steele is black. They seem to think this will hurt his standing among Southern voters, but I think that plan may backfire.
UPDATE 2:
Liberals have found out that the dog is Steele’s commercial IS NOT HIS ACTUAL DOG!
That’s right, IT’S A STAND IN DOG!
If Michael Steele loves puppies so much, WHY IS HE ASHAMED OF HIS OWN DOG?!
(I think that makes it official: The Democrats really do need to hire me to help with their negative attacks.)
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) (T/F) Trunkmeister was Bart’s elephant’s name
2) What was Bart’s collie dog’s name?
3) In the year 2000, the Springfield Tire Yard celebrated what anniversary of its fire?
4) Who is Mr. Burn’s rival at the Shelbyville Nuclear Power Plant?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.
My Silly Sister Hits Bigtime!
Season premiere of the most watched drama on TV big.
As you know, my silly sister Sarah is a costume designer. She got to do a “little” work for an episode of CSI, and it ends up its the season premiere this Thursday, 9PM ET. Watch it and see if you can figure out what costume she made.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (sadly) live at the UN
Iran’s Madman-In-Chief Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will be speaking at the United Nations shortly.
The United Nations streams the annual “debates” at http://www.un.org/webcast/ in RealPlayer format.
The text of his speech along with a video clip of his speech will probably be posted at http://www.un.org/webcast/ga/61/index.shtml sometime afterwards.
Atlantis Can’t Land, So Protect Your Blood!
As you all know, a mysterious object is keeping Shuttle Atlantis from landing. Can one conclude that this mysterious object is in fact an alien craft?
Yes, there is no other reasonable conclusion.
Also, are we to conclude the aliens are here to harvest our blood?
Since there is no evidence the aliens have purchased tickets to Disney World, the only reasonable conclusion is that they are here to harvest our blood.
Thus, we should all prepare for an alien attack. As for my preparations, I will stock up on firewood. Since I live in Florida and have never had a need for firewood, I have none and thus need to stock up.
All in all, I am very disappointed in President Bush. He was supposed to build a wall to the south to keep Mexicans out and a wall to the north to keep Canadians out and a large dome to keep space aliens out. He has failed. When the aliens land and begin to harvest our blood, there will be no one to blame but Bush. It is unreasonable to blame the aliens, because they know no of nothing else than blood harvesting.
And I am reasonable.