The Democrats who are too impotent and cowardly to do something substantive like stopping funding of the war so instead they settled on attacking the troops morale by passing a non-binding resolution in the House (well, two whole Democrats voted against it, while seventeen Republicans voted for it). They basically told the troops, “Nah! Nah! You’re risking your lives and getting shot at for nothing! Nah! Nah!”
This is what I pay taxes for?
Now I’ve realized a truth: I hate the Democrats. I know Jesus says I shouldn’t hate people, like I should love the Democrats but hate their Democratting – ya know, the pissant, cowardly, borderline treasonous stuff they do. But right now I hate them.
Eh… maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow…
UPDATE:
I agree with Captain Ed; those who voted for this resolution aren’t traitors… they’re just functionally the same as traitors but without the intent.

Steve Martin’s classic “Hostages” routine:

I finally got something that I wanted, something that I didn’t have. I saw on TV people having these things, and so many people had them and I thought, Ã…ehey, IÃ…fd like to take some hostages too! So i took some, stuck them in a sack and now they’fre out on the flagpole, and IÃ…’m going to blow them up at midnight.
Unless, if I get my three demands:
A hundred thousand dollars in cash.
A getaway car.
The letterÃ… M stricken from the English language.
See, the trick to getting what you want is to have two realistic demands, and then one crazy, impossible one thatÃ…fd never ever work in a million years. That way, if you get caught, you can plead insanity.

New York Sun:

The letter “X” soon may be banned in Saudi Arabia because it resembles the mother of all banned religious symbols in the oil kingdom: the cross.

Here’s the 64,000 Riyal question: How exactly do you cross out an X? It’s not like you can just X it out, because you end up with an even bigger X.
Or as my friend Uncle Guido says, “In Riyadh, they play Tic Tac Toe with real toes.”

It’s Friday, so it’s time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.
However, this week’s different… this week we’re going to start a new feature called:

WHAT IS MAHMOUD ABBAS PRAYING FOR?
So, from Mahmoud Abbas’ expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

Is it:
a) Why is there carpeting in this mosque? Why can’t there be carpeting in the Ramallah mosque he uses all the time?
b) There’s a dog food that makes its own gravy? Since when? And what does it taste like?
c) Leo Laporte to stop calling him about starting a daily podcast.
d) A DNA sample from Anna Nicole Smith. Or, failing that, to lea- [ed- STOP IT!]
e) The Jews to strike oil during their attempts to destroy the Al-Aqsa mosque so there’s at least something worth killing them all over besides rocks and dirt.
or
f) NONE OF THE ABOVE
Put your guesses in the comments.

At Daily Kos, they found a soldier who wants his funding cut. He argues of all the advantages and then puts up a poll for the Kwazy Kos Kids who have been doing the secular version of praying for failure for years. Guess what the results are? Over 90% are for defunding the war.
I think the Democrats should listen to them.
As you all know, only the Sith and rightwingers speak in absolutes, and thus I’m for either fighting the war full-bore or totally giving up. Kill or don’t kill; there is no peacekeeping. The worst thing is this morass where everyone has given up on winning but are too cowardly to end things. Giuliani recently talked about the gutlessness of a non-binding resolution and urged those who believed so to actually propose defunding the war.
So here are where we should join with the nutroots: We should work together together to force Congress to debate and then vote on defunding the war. The choice has to be fight or don’t fight; let’s stop trying to find some non-existent middle ground. If the public rallies behind one or the other, at least we have an answer on where we stand. I think activists on both sides can agree that this is the debate we need going into the 2008 presidential elections, so let’s find a way to make it happen.

Who said I never have any of the answers.
Besides all of you.
Dr. Duck is here once again to provide aid and comfort to all the faithful IMAO readers. Yesterday, I asked you for questions on relationships. Relationships and love and understanding: these are the things that I know best.
**
Are you ever going to restore the trust of your loyal readers by answering the OTHER Dr. Ducky questions? If not why not?
Posted by: Brian The Adequate
Brian,
The reason I didn’t answer those questions is that they were too sweet and tender. I felt that by answering them I would have taken away from their sincerity and beauty.
Trust. Loyalty. These are good things. Not as good as money. If I did answer some of those old questions would readers buy Frank J’s new book?
Maybe. I’ll consider going back and answering those questions, unless they’re stupid and irritating. Which they almost always are.
**
Who decided that the heart is the “organ” of love and emotion? Why not the pancreas, or the left kidney?
Posted by: PaleoMedic
True Story: A long time ago, an Italian named Federico Von Brooklyn devoted his kidney to his one true love. She felt it was a wonderful gesture since the kidneys work so hard to pump blood to the body. Unfortunately, Frederico ended up donating his kidney to his cousin, Muaricio Von Manhattan. Since Federico had dedicated his kidney to his woman, she had no choice but to follow that kidney and go live with his cousin, where they had 12 kids and attended monster truck rallies.
Ever since, the heart has become the organ of choice to express love as the heart filters out impurities in the system although occasionally you can get heart stones. Which are painful to pass.
**
If I am a guy, and my girlfriend is a girl and she makes more money than I, would it be wrong to ask her to pay for dinner tonight? Wouldn’t the fact that she makes more money than I mitigate my manhood, making her more of the man and I less of it?
Posted by: some goon
Whenever a man makes less money than his woman, it seems that it elicits snickers.
Not the laughter — the candy bar.
Because you’re gay.
I’m sorry. Women make a lot less money than men, that’s why it’s always a good idea to hire them (that and they’re usually easy on the eyes.) By making less than a woman, you are less of a man. I know that’s old fashioned but there you have it.
So you have two options. You can sit on the couch crying, eating cream while watching Brokeback Mountain — or — you can go out there and make more money. If that’s too much, then try getting her fired.
By the way, she should pay for dinner. It’s traditional. The man pays.
**
My girlfriend has this really annoying habit of asking me to do something later in the day (asking at 10am for something that needs to be done at 8pm for example) and then throughout the day keeps reminding me about it. This is really annoying because she has already told me once, I have a good memory, and I usually have no problem doing what she asked, is there a way you would recommend getting her to stop telling me the same thing over and over and just to tell me once?
Posted by: -[Medic]-
This is a Men Are From Earth moment. The reality is that women communicate by nagging. Men communicate by grunting and high fives. This is the natural order of things and it’s wrong to try to disturb it. Whenever a woman n ags me, I try to compensate for it by imagining her naked. If she’s fat, try thinking of Scarlett Johannsen or some other Hollywood Hottie.
**
Ducky, do you form a new relationship each season after you fly north. What about the extra two wives, did you loose them to predation or a couple of tough duck hunting seasons. What about molting, has that ever been an issue.
Oh never mind, I know I’ll never get answers.
Posted by: Neo-andertal
It’s not you. It’s just that your questions are so weird. Even by IMAO standards. But you’re a good kid. Here’s a nickel.
(5 cents)
**
Is it a good idea to take a woman to Pizza Hut on Valentine’s Day? What if you use a coupon to pay for a good deal of it?
Posted by: Silicon Valley Jim
Of course it’s okay to pay for Pizza Hut with a coupon. Unless the coupon is for something else; like Dominoes or 1000 free hours of AOL.
**
What about those of us on the opposite end of the good/bad relationship spectrum on Valentine’s Day? What would you recommend as an appropriate way to call things off? Besides a singing telegram from a guy in a bear suit holding a balloon, of course.
Posted by: Sixth Sense
Sometimes, the easiest thing is to make her dump YOU. My recommendation: During a very passionate moment, call her “Eduardo.” She’ll take it from there.
**
Is a Vacuum Cleaner a good or bad gift for your wife on Valentines Day?
Posted by: ussjimmycarter
Vacuum cleaners are a tricky gift to a woman. What you’re saying is that she’s only good for cleaning. This is a bad message.
I suggest you give her a vacuum AND a frying pan.
**
What’s the going rate on a fifth of vodka and a Playboy? Is it more than an average Valentine’s day date?
Posted by: Elliott
$12.50
Make sure you buy them at the same time. One time, I thought I got drunk and thought I was buying Playboy. I woke up hung over do discover that it wasn’t Playboy it was..um. Let’s just say there were Snickers wrappers involved.
**
How many times was I a baby?
Posted by: Hebert
After much research and several millions in grants, science has come up with an answer to that.
Once.
This decision was nearly unanimous except for the 55% of scientists who said “Two” because of global warming.
**
Dear Duck,
If I had gotten a vaccuum on Valentines Day instead of the 3rd Season of Lois and CLARK, would it have been wrong to dump green glow-y rocks in my hubby’s coffee?
Posted by: shimauma
I get it. Kryptonite. That’s funny.
Lois and Clark is on its third season?
I can see how getting a vacuum would suck.
Get it? Suck. HAHAHAHAHAHa.
I kill me.
**
Dear Duck,
If I had gotten a vaccuum cleaner on Valentines Day instead of the 3rd Season of Lois and CLARK, would it have been wrong to dump green glow-y rocks in my hubby’s coffee?
Posted by: shimauma
Huh?
**
Whoa! Double post, my bad…spankings all around!
Posted by: shimauma on February 14, 2007 10:13 PM
*
Yeah!!!!! A spanking, A spanking.
Posted by: Dan M
*
Dan meet Shimauma. Shimauma Dan.
Hurray. I’ve helped another couple find happiness. I love being a doctor
**
Thanks to all who participated. Remember, IMAO is the home of really bad humor. The Dr. Duck segment is your chance to be a part of that.

John Hawkins, best know for hate-filled, obscenity laced rants on his blog Right Wing News, has joined the Duncan Hunter campaign. This after John Hawkins wrote a scathing article about Duncan Hunter in which Hawkins said such things as:

“…Hunter won’t get traction…”
“He has… significant scandals…”
“…Duncan Hunter is… gay…”

Has this blogger been paid off to tone down his rhetoric? Obviously. If you check the Right Wing News archives, you’ll notice all his vulgar rants about interest rates aren’t there anymore and have been replaced with pictures of his dog Patton. But we can’t let presidential campaigns get away with hiring hate-filled bloggers. John Hawkins is nothing but a raunchy bigot – he’s the Amanda Marcotte of the blogosphere – and he must be stopped. He even has linked approvingly to the known hate site IMAO which has on numerous occasions called for the extermination of all Muslims (BTW, know who should be exterminated? All Muslims).
Duncan Hunter should know that if he doesn’t disavow John Hawkins and IMAO, I have a pretty vicious rant and an important action alert lined up. That’s right: Not just an action alert, but an important one. If it’s let loose, Hunter’s presidential ambitions will be over before they’ve even started.

FOX News will be showing this Sunday at 10pm the Half Hour News Hour made by 24 creator Joel Surnow that’s supposed to be the conservative answer to Daily Show. So, there is going to be a show out front and center saying, “This is conservative humor!” and, from brief glimpses so far, it looks like it’s going to suck (check out the awful promo here and here is Ace on what looks wrong with the show and a new clip with Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter here).
You’ve seen the liberal trolls who assert that conservatives don’t know humor. If this is bad as many think it will be, this will be the proof that conservatives are lame and no network will take a chance on a conservative comedy show ever again.
But I don’t care. It’s not like I’m trying to break into the TV industry. I’m actually trying to write science fiction. Books are where the future is; after the internet, TV, and radio fads finally die out, everyone will be going back to books.
Anyway, maybe it won’t suck… but it doesn’t really have to be good either. Considering all the complaints about the left-wing tilt of other late night shows, I think mediocre is all the Half Hour News Hour needs to aim for. And, even if it is a train derailing as it hits the Hindenburg, I don’t fear long lasting effects for conservative humorists such as myself. The biggest risk is to tarnish FOX News when the “Fair and Balanced” network has a show dedicated to making fun of liberals. That’s kinda ruins their plausible deniability of their bias that at least every other news channel maintains.
Anyway, I’ll give you an objective comedic analysis of the show after it premieres on Sunday… something you won’t get anywhere else because, frankly, no one else is smart enough or understands the science of humor like I do. One of these days I need to get to writing that thesis paper on humor…
IMAO FUN ACTIVITY: BTW, I found two parts of the clip with Limbaugh and Ann Coulter funny. If you can correctly identify which two things made me chuckle, you’ll win IMAO bonus points redeemable for IMAO prizes!
UPDATE:
Iowahawk weighs in with a rave review.

ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT!
These times demand decisive action. Stop what you’re doing and kill something. Whether it’s a plant, a bug, a hobo, a Unix process, or a blade of grass, kill something now.
Keeeeeeeeeeeel!!!
Show them our power and watch them tremble in fear!
END ACTION ALERT

Reader Christopher met a photoshop request for me:

“Take that, you wascally wabbit!”
BTW, not that many people have participated in the GOP Straw Poll this week. You can vote in it every week and just need to click on the box on the left sidebar. Go vote before I start looking like a chump to the rest of Pajamas Media.

Well, if you haven’t gone to Little Green Footballs yet, you’re probably unaware of the horrible truth about the Salt Lake City Mall Massacre
The Mainstream Media are suppressing this information, and even Wikipedia’s article on Sulejman Talovic is ripe with head-in-the-sand dhimmitude on the one bit of information you need to know to put it all into perspective…

Continue reading ‘The Horrible Truth About The SLC Mall Massacre.’ »

I saw this on Gizmodo:

That’s right. LEGO snack treats. Because nothing says love like teaching your kids the fuzzy, choking hazard barrier between food and fun.
According to the product page:

Kosher Status
Not Certified

Folks, it doesn’t take a rabbi to tell you that these things ain’t Kosher.
This got me to thinking about Dangerous Snacks For Kids, teaching them to stick various hazardous objects into their mouths, and the first thing to come to mind was “Light Socket Lollipops.”
Anybody out there as sick as me willing to give this challenge a shot? The comments are open.