“I bring you a message of hope and change,” Barack Obama told the fawning crowd. “Of not only change that brings hope… but also of hope that brings change. This is a message that people respond to. It is also not the message of my Democratic opponent Hillary Clinton. That’s why I am leading in delegates, and why she… AIEEE!”
A large object flew at Obama and struck him in the face. The Secret Service quickly surrounded him. Gun drawn, one looked over the crowd shouting, “Who threw that lamp? WHO THREW THAT LAMP?!”
“We interrupt Dancing with the Stars for the special news bulletin: Senator Barack Obama, while speaking at an even in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, was struck by a lamp. It is currently unknown who threw the lamp and whether it was thrown out of racial hatred or for political reasons. We have been unable to get a comment from Senator Obama as he is reportedly locked in his hotel room sobbing uncontrollably. His wife, Michelle Obama, quickly responded, though.
On screen was Michelle Obama at a podium. “While we are saddened that my husband was struck by a lamp, we are not surprised. As a black man, Barack could have a lamp thrown at him just for going to the gas station — nonetheless running for president. This is just another reason I hate this country. I repeat: I really really hate this country and everything about it.”
The news anchor came back on screen. “Originally, Michelle was a suspect for the lamp throwing as its just assumed from her personality that she at least constantly browbeats her husband, but she was in Canada at the time of the incident because she was reportedly so sick of this country that she just had to get out of it for a while.
“Senator Obama’s pastor and spiritual mentor, Jeremiah Wright, had some words to say about the incident.”
On screen was Wright at the pulpit. “First, the white people in the government made HIV to kill the black man. When that didn’t work, now they’ve moved up to throwing lamps. They’ll do anything to stop Barack Obama, because they know that the first thing he’ll do when he’s president is kill all the honkeys! That’s right; he’ll use the secret government labs to make a virus to kill them! It will be a honkey massacre! That’s in the Bible!” He held up a well-worn copy of Hop on Pop. “Right in here… somewhere near the middle, I think.”
The news anchor came back on screen. “The next suspect of the lamp throwing is, of course, John McCain. As we in the media have remembered that he’s a Republican, we’ve also remembered that he’s therefore evil. We had a reporter sit down and ask him about the incident.”
On screen was McCain sitting uncomfortably. “Since you claim to be a conservative,” an off-screen reporter said, “you must also claim to hate black people. Do you feel any remorse for throwing a lamp at Obama because he’s black?”
“As I’ve told you a thousand times,” McCain snarled, “I don’t hate black people; I hate gooks! They tortured me in Vietnam! I’m tired of explaining this! If I could raise my hands high enough, I’d box your ears! Know why I can’t?”
“Because you’re lazy?”
“Because of the injuries the gooks gave me in ‘Nam! That’s it; lower your head so I can box your ears!”
The news anchor came back on screen. “The final suspect for the incident is Senator Hillary Clinton, often rumored to have thrown lamps out of anger when previously in the White House as first lady. Her campaign released this statement in response to these charges:
“The idea that Hillary Clinton throws lamps in irrational fits of rage is a rumor spread by sexist, misogynist individuals. Anyone could have thrown a lamp at Senator Obama, and the fact that Senator Hillary Clinton was seen in the are holding a lamp for some reason while looking extremely enraged proves nothing. The fact that Senator Obama has made such an ordeal out of a simple lamp throwing when Senator Clinton wasn’t even fazed by imagined snipe fire once again shows the difference in experience between the two candidates. Also, if Senator Obama doesn’t wants lamps thrown at him in the future, maybe he shouldn’t be such an annoying little upstart who gets in the way of a political future destined by fate that no one, and I MEAN NO ONE, can stop me from achieving! You hear that, bitch!”
This fine detective story indeed leaves us with as big a mystery as the one with which it begins. Weaving together as it does the subtle dynamics of race, gender, and politics, the plot dances gracefully from well-developed character to well-developed character, exploring with nuance and intellectual depth the timeless strength and Faustian foibles of each.
This break from the usual banal attempts humor speaks well for the site, its editorial team, and the legions of its creative staff from whose unheralded huddled masses research and develop these literary works.
The ending obscures the author’s intent, leading us to the sneaking suspicion that, despite the obvious presence of the Secret Service (employed and directed by the current REPUBLICAN President), there may have been some involvement from Hillary Clinton. Surely that is mere misdirection, perhaps a facade which will be peeled away as an onion skin in some as yet unpresented chapter in this intricate and masterful tale.
She wouldn’t throw a lamp at him. She’d rip his throat open with her teeth. And laugh.
Excellent, Frank! I agree with Hillary! If Obama wants to be a little “bitch” who curls up in a ball cries for HER mommy every time someone takes a verbal shot…SHE should change HER panties and go back to Chicago and get a job as a waitress somewhere!
#1:
“…the legions of its creative staff from whose unheralded huddled masses research and develop these literary works.”
I lost control of my facial muscles on that one. Great piece, Frank. A little gentle (a lamp?), but OK. Socrates just needs to dip his wick.
As in ink. And use it. I mean write with it as in put it to paper and move it around. As in forming words and such.
Stupid big words in #1. Head hurt now. Mouth taste funny. Eye hurt a little too, like stuck with fish hook on string in hand of mean kid. Need nap.
Whoo! Excellent, Frank…I sprayed coffee all over the screen on this one.
“Hop on Pop”, indeed!
Sounds like this is a case for the greatest detective ever, Ian Competent.
YOU MIGHT BE AN IDIOT:-)
If you think Barack Obama with little or no experience would be better than Hillary Clinton with 35 years experience.
You Might Be An Idiot!
If you think that Obama with no experience can fix an economy on the verge of collapse better than Hillary Clinton. Whose 😉 husband (Bill Clinton) led the greatest economic expansion, and prosperity in American history.
You Might Be An Idiot!
If you think that Obama with no experience fighting for universal health care can get it for you better than Hillary Clinton. Who anticipated this current health care crisis back in 1993, and fought a pitched battle against overwhelming odds to get universal health care for all the American people.
You Might Be An Idiot!
If you think that Obama with no experience can manage, and get us out of two wars better than Hillary Clinton. Whose 😉 husband (Bill Clinton) went to war only when he was convinced that he absolutely had to. Then completed the mission in record time against a nuclear power. AND DID NOT LOSE THE LIFE OF A SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER. NOT ONE!
You Might Be An Idiot!
If you think that Obama with no experience saving the environment is better than Hillary Clinton. Whose 😉 husband (Bill Clinton) left office with the greatest amount of environmental cleanup, and protections in American history.
You Might Be An Idiot!
If you think that Obama with little or no education experience is better than Hillary Clinton. Whose 😉 husband (Bill Clinton) made higher education affordable for every American. And created higher job demand and starting salary’s than they had ever been before or since.
You Might Be An Idiot!
If you think that Obama with no experience will be better than Hillary Clinton who spent 8 years at the right hand of President Bill Clinton. Who is already on record as one of the greatest Presidents in American history.
You Might Be An Idiot!
If you think that you can change the way Washington works with pretty speeches from Obama, rather than with the experience, and political expertise of two master politicians ON YOUR SIDE like Hillary and Bill Clinton..
You Might Be An Idiot!
If you think all those Republicans voting for Obama in the Democratic primaries, and caucuses are doing so because they think he is a stronger Democratic candidate than Hillary Clinton. 🙂
Best regards
jacksmith…
DON’T BE DUPED !!!
Large numbers of Republicans have been voting for Barack Obama in the DEMOCRATIC primaries, and caucuses from early on. Because they feel he would be a weaker opponent against John McCain. And because they feel that a Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama ticket would be unbeatable. And also because with a Clinton and Obama ticket you are almost 100% certain to get quality, affordable universal health care very soon.
But first, all of you have to make certain that Hillary Clinton takes the democratic nomination and then the Whitehouse. NOW! is the time. THIS! is the moment you have all been working, and waiting for. You can do this America. “Carpe diem” (harvest the day).
I think Hillary Clinton see’s a beautiful world of plenty for all. She is a woman, and a mother. And it’s time America. Do this for your-selves, and your children’s future. You will have to work together on this and be aggressive, relentless, and creative. Americans face an even worse catastrophe ahead than the one you are living through now.
You see, the medical and insurance industry mostly support the republicans with the money they ripped off from you. And they don’t want you to have quality, affordable universal health care. They want to be able to continue to rip you off, and kill you and your children by continuing to deny you life saving medical care that you have already paid for. So they can continue to make more immoral profits for them-selves.
Hillary Clinton has actually won by much larger margins than the vote totals showed. And lost by much smaller vote margins than the vote totals showed. Her delegate count is actually much higher than it shows. And higher than Obama’s. She also leads in the electoral college numbers that you must win to become President in the November national election. HILLARY CLINTON IS ALREADY THE TRUE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE!
As much as 30% of Obama’s primary, and caucus votes are Republicans trying to choose the weakest democratic candidate for McCain to run against. These Republicans have been gaming the caucuses where it is easier to vote cheat. This is why Obama has not been able to win the BIG! states primaries. Even with Republican vote cheating help.
Hillary Clinton has been out manned, out gunned, and out spent 2 and 3 to 1. Yet Obama has only been able to manage a very tenuous, and questionable tie with Hillary Clinton.
If Obama is the democratic nominee for the national election in November he will be slaughtered. Because the Republican vote cheating help will suddenly evaporate. All of this vote fraud and republican manipulation has made Obama falsely look like a much stronger candidate than he really is. YOUNG PEOPLE. DON’T BE DUPED! Think about it. You have the most to lose.
The democratic party needs to fix this outrage. I suggest a Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama ticket. Everyone needs to throw all your support to Hillary Clinton NOW! So you can end this outrage against YOU the voter, and against democracy.
I think Barack Obama has a once in a life time chance to make the ultimate historic gesture for unity, and change in America by accepting Hillary Clinton’s offer as running mate. Such an act now would for ever seal Barack Obama’s place at the top of the list of Americas all time great leaders, and unifiers for all of history.
The democratic party, and the super-delegates have a decision to make. Are the democrats, and the democratic party going to choose the DEMOCRATIC party nominee to fight for the American people. Or are the republicans going to choose the DEMOCRATIC party nominee through vote fraud, and gaming the DEMOCRATIC party primaries, and caucuses.
Fortunately the Clinton’s have been able to hold on against this fraudulent outrage with those repeated dramatic comebacks of Hillary Clinton’s. Only the Clinton’s are that resourceful, and strong. Hillary Clinton is your NOMINEE. They are the best I have ever seen.
“This is not a game” (Hillary Clinton)
Sincerely
jacksmith…
vintage IMAO Frank.
havnt seen an IMW in a while, but this one made me laugh like the ones years ago did.
If Obama is the democratic nominee for the national election in November he will be slaughtered. Because the Republican vote cheating help will suddenly evaporate. All of this vote fraud and republican manipulation has made Obama falsely look like a much stronger candidate than he really is. YOUNG PEOPLE. DON’T BE DUPED! Think about it. You have the most to lose.
Yes, the power of Rush Limbaugh is not to be challenged.
Obama is a liar, and you are his dupe.
It’s “fazed” not “phased.” Look it up.
[So’s your face! -Ed.]