A CNN reporter got angry at protesters calling themselves “real Americans”. Of course a reporter would be confused by that, because journalists are not real Americans. In fact, there are a lot of faux-Americans out there confusing people as to what a real American is. Here’s a handy guide to help out:
GUIDE TO REAL AMERICANS
Real Americans only approve of massive spending for going to the moon and building giant war robots.
Real Americans punch any hippies they see.
Real Americans not only don’t want a single-payer health care system, but want to invade Canada for the offense of having one.
Real Americans treat socialists about the same as they treat gophers and rats.
Real Americans never have too many guns.
Real American think there are far too many foreign countries and someone should do something about that.
Real Americans consider “European” to be a vulgar insult.
Real Americans are not only insulted by the idea of government handout, but homicidally enraged.
Real Americans think enemy dictators can save their negotiations for Judgment Day.
Real Americans don’t like any messages in their movies other than that explosions are really fun to watch.
Real American don’t like to be patronized by useless people.
Real Americans like movies with guns, guns with names, and food with spokes-cheetahs.
Real Americans can be ordered on a number line in a way compatible with addition and multiplication and have a least ordered bound for any finite subset.
Real Americans are made from 100% America, not that cheap Kenyan crap.
Real Americans don’t watch tripe on TV called “news”! Real Americans have real American lives with lots and lots and lots of freedom to choose to doo really cool free Real American stuff without a pointy head’s yes or no!
Real Americans give you that confused-puppy-whatcha-talkin’-bout head tilt when arugula is mentioned.
Real Americans pay their own way through life.
Real Americans invest in their families and their 401Ks rather than cheap Presidential bricabrac. (sorry, I was looking at the sidebar ads for Obama coins & plates etc when I wrote this one)
Real Americans are grateful to be living in/born into the greatest nation on Earth.
Real Americans enjoy their successes and take responsibility for their own failures.
Real Americans stand up straight, remove their hat, and shed a tear (or come close to it) during the playing of the national anthem.
Real Americans are as pissed off about 12.7.1941 as they are 9.11.2001
Real Americans defend their land from all enemies foreign and domestic.
Real Americans believe defeating their enemies is a good thing.
Real Americans don’t need no stinkin’ permission to own a gun. Or eat a cheeseburger.
Real Americans salute the flag, and punch hippies in the face when the hippies try yo burn it.
Real Americans work hard, su[port themselves, and don’t leach off of others.
I had to read the #2 comment a couple times before I got it, and then I wished I hadn’t. Puns are horrible in general, but really nerdy math puns should just be illegal.
Real Americans don’t want to drivin’ no 4-cylinder flex-fuel hybrid piece of crap – unless we can use it to run over hippies
Real Americans treat socialists about the same as they treat gophers and rats. What! We vote gophers and rats into office…oh yeah I guess we do on occasion.
Real Americans don’t let friends vote democrat
Max Shiraz says:
August 18th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Real Americans don’t want to drivin’ no 4-cylinder flex-fuel hybrid piece of crap – unless we can use it to run over hippies
I agree with that, 4-popper ecoboxes are only good for running down hippies. They can pry my gas sucking V-8 power muscle car from my cold dead hands.
Real Americans eat what they shoot
Real Americans already know what’s good for them…and they don’t care what socialists think of that.
In a fight between a Real American and Aquaman, the Real American would only have to give his/her “you got 3 seconds to leave here” look and Aquaman would squeal like Keith Doberman and run away crying.
Real Americans don’t like so called “reporters” PRETENDING they don’t REALLY understand what they just heard – because THAT opinion was not handed to them from the left. That just brings up the definition of the word “report” vs. opinion.
Real Americans shoot what they eat. Even pie.
Real Americans know how the economy works.
Real Americans own guns, use guns, and aren’t afraid of guns.
Real Americans aren’t afraid of milk, dissention, low taxes, small government, freedom , or self reliance.
Real Americans are afraid of God, socialism, atheletes foot, and missing at 900 yards.
real American don’t let their daughters date hippies, socialists, or canadians.
Real Americans think recycling means using old peanut butter jars to store your screws and nails on a shelf in the garage.
Pingback: The Guide to Real Americans! « FRISK A LIBERAL: The Blog
real Americans haven’t existed since the last survivors of the War of Northern Aggression died. America was a Republic. If you are required to be a member, it ain’t a Republic.
To quote the narrator of The Devil’s Disciple (the 1959 movie)
Given the choice between saving a countryman or killing a foreigner, a true (America) patriot will always choose killing the foreigner.
Next to 1776, that’s the best Revolutionary War movie ever made.
real Americans haven’t existed since the last survivors of the War of Northern Aggression died. America was a Republic. If you are required to be a member, it ain’t a Republic.
Real Americans have existed in abundance since the War of Northern Righteousness.
Real Americans look at reporters with total disdain before dispatching them with a simple “Scat”… It works every time…
Real Americans understand that true football involves very little actual foot-to-ball contact. Unless a hippie wanders onto the field to burn our flag.
Real Americans say what they mean AND mean what they say…Real Americans miss John Wayne…Real Americans despise ‘The New World Order’…Real Americans are not ashamed to be #1 in the world, and are willing to work to keep it that way…Real Americans identify with the lyrics in country songs, even if the TWANG irks them…Real Americans have read the Declaration of Independence and the U.S.Constitution and believe they are still worth fighting for…Real Americans heads do not explode at the mere mention of Sarah Palin…Real Americans can produce their birth certificate as proof of eligibility to be the POTUS…Real Americans believe Mohammed to be a false prophet of a false god, and Islam is incompatible with freedom.
Real Americans know what these terms mean:
Liberty
Integrity
Sacred Honor
Faith
Tolerance
Freedom
and last but never least
Truth
“The time is now near at hand which must probably determine whether Americans are to be freemen or slaves; whether they are to have any property they can call their own; whether their houses and farms are to be pillaged and destroyed, and themselves consigned to a state of wretchedness from which no human efforts will deliver them. The fate of unborn millions will now depend, under God, on the courage and conduct of this army. Our cruel and unrelenting enemy leaves us only the choice of brave resistance, or the most abject submission. We have therefore, to resolve to conquer or die.”
– George Washington, Real American, (August 27, 1776).
“Real Americans have existed in abundance since the War of Northern Righteousness.” – 23Karen
Real Americans know it was the “War of Northern Aggresion” and still celebrate Confederate Veteran’s day.
If you’re holding people in at the point of a gun, it ain’t a Republic.
“True Grit” was on TCM tonight, every real American knows most lines by heart, but watches it again anyway.
“Corn Dodger?”
Real Americans know what corn dodgers are, and eat them at every opportunity.
idaHOSER–yes you are , Rightwingkiller: Real Americans know it was the war of southern stupidity. You say you celebrate confederate veterans day, do you also celebrate Tet?
midwestconservative:
Let’s not fall into the trap of thinking that the War Between the States was simply about slavery. At least, I think that’s what you’re referring to.
It was part of the reason for the war, but it wasn’t all there was to it. Let me add that my family that lived in Georgia during that time did not own slaves.
That war was economic, and truly gave no thought to the right or wrong of slavery.
People forget that the slave trade started up north. And there was slavery up north, until it wasn’t economically feasible to own slaves. Slavery lasted longer in the south, because it was economically feasible.
Up north, it was simply too expensive to keep slaves in the winter. More was required of housing, and the return on labor during winter months was much less.
Down south, the more temperate climate made it easier to house slaves, as well as get more return on labor year-round.
Once the economic advantage of slavery was gone, the north had no reason to try to justify such behavior, and were more open to the idea of equality for all races. In the south, the economics blinded the slave owners, who also held the political power.
The states rights (10th Amendment) argument is valid, then and now.
The south had the right argument (states rights), just the wrong reason (slavery) for that argument.
Our union was divided when foolish souls opened fire on Fort Sumter. The north just finished what North Carolina started
A real American knows what a Hemi is, knows that a Rat isn’t always a Union “Scab,” and that a Boss isn’t Bruce Springsteen. These are all products of the REAL American Automobile Manufacturer’s, when Americans made REAL cars…
I’m almost a real American. I qualify on every point except wasting money on NASA. Yes its fun exploring endless, useless space. But its way too expensive fun.
For those deluded souls who keep endlessly repeating that “the Civil War was not primarily about slavery” I would like to recommend an extended reading of letters that Union soldiers wrote home. You would have had a hard time convincing them of your point of view, as these missives are chock full of references to the horrors of slavery and the perfect jubilation of the freed slaves. Indeed, the farther the Union army advanced into the South, the more resolved the ordinary soldiers became to wipe out the last vestiges of slavery from America.
And for the “If you’re holding people in at the point of a gun, it ain’t a Republic” silliness, please, please present some evidence that Americans have ever been forcibly preventing from emigrating.
Yet more evidence, as if any was needed, of failure of public education.
midwestconservative:
South Carolina.
WarSquid:
I’d say you’re evidence of a failure of public education. You believe that slavery was the reason for the war. It’s a lot more complicated than that. But the fact of the matter is, slavery was prevalent in the south and not the north, not because living up north granted a wisdom of understanding right and wrong, but because slavery was not cost-effective up north, but was down south.
Less than 6% of the southern free population owned slaves. Ending slavery was made a goal of the war when the president issued the first Emancipation Proclamation in September, 1862. The second Emancipation Proclamation, issued in January, 1863, the one with which most people are familiar, freed the slaves in parts of nine states.
Anyway, I’ve stated my case and stand by it.
Real Americans get very afraid when they find websites like this.
Is this a right-wing terrorism website or a place to share ideals?
Hippies?
Do those even exist anymore?
Or are you all just brainwashed McCarthyists who are bitching because the 8-year Republican stranglehold that nearly ruined this country is finally over and you can’t stand it?
How many of you PERSONALLY (not 9/11, YOU) have been affected by terrorism?
You are just subscribing to a moral panic that so many others have fallen for
Also, what is with the gun obsession?
I feel like there is some major compensating going on here…..
YOU DON”T HAVE TO BE A STUPID, TWO-DIMENSIONAL, VIOLENT ASSHOLE TO BE A MAN
It takes character and honor
Two things that most of you couldn’t grip with your greasy, Cheeto-stained fingertips if you wanted to
“Is this a right-wing terrorism website or a place to share ideals?”
Why can’t it be both?
Real Americans drive vehicles that have more cylinders than wheels.