Science Backs Zombies

So “scientists” have studied the possibility of zombie attacks and declared it would most like wipe out all of humanity. They say that unless we strike back quickly, it might “lead to the collapse of civilisation” and perhaps even spread to places not scared of the letter ‘z’.

Of course, I want to see their data and all their assumptions on zombies (do they live forever or do they eventually starve?). Still, I think they should rerun their model but with America having space lasers, giant robots, and dinosaurs armed with rocket launchers. I don’t think zombies could last against our awesomeness in that case.

Also, when are they going to do a scientific model to tell us who would win in a fight between ninjas and pirates?

Republicans Plotting to Kill the President?

So Howard Dean recently said Republicans want to “kill the bill and kill the president.” Now you may dismiss this saying that Howard Dean is an unstable moron who shoots his mouth off — like an angrier Biden — but it’s worth considering. If Republicans were plotting to kill Obama, they’d have plenty of opportunity to do so… unless Obama is never bi-partisan and thus never has a reason to meet with Republicans.

Obama is wilier than you thought, huh?

Stab Happy

So a seventeen year old girl in Brazil has confessed to killing thirty men with a knife. That’s kinda hard to fathom. Now, I’ve never killed anyone with a knife, but it sounds messy. I bet most people after killing someone with a knife are like, “That was not pleasant. I should not do that again.” But apparently, some people are like, “That was fun. I should find other opportunities to do that.”

Also, the article mentions that just recently in Brazil a TV show host was arrested for arranging killings to boost his rating. What’s going on in Brazil? These two are pretty much Batman-level supervillians as is.

Anyway, I nominate them both for Obama’s death panel.

Random Thoughts

Movie Idea: Zombie Terrorists – “They didn’t get their virgins, and now they want your brains!

Gibbs should end every statement he says with, “Snarf snarf.”

If there’s a political message you really want people to hear, train a dog to say it. Everyone will listen to a talking dog.

Idaho has tags for wolves going on sale. Don’t think I could shoot a dog, though. Plus wolves are such well-behaved dogs. They pretty much never bark. I should make Rowdi watch a Discovery channel special on wolves in hopes she’ll learn how a real dog acts.

Rowdi is half German Shepherd, half pit bull. That means any day she could suddenly snap and become a Nazi.

Would anyone disagree that manhood peaked with John Wayne and has gone downhill ever since?

Trolls

Trolls.

Those are the little sh*theads that visit blogs, chat rooms, and message boards just to be … well, sh*theads.

As much as I despise spammers, I think I despise trolls even more.

Now, when I say “trolls,” I do not mean comments of opposing views. Many blogs accept comments. And bloggers don’t always seek positive comments. Opposing views are often welcome at blogs. But there’s a difference between voicing opposing views and trolling. If you don’t know the difference, you’re probably a troll.

Trolls don’t leave honest, thoughtful comments. Trolls want to take over your post, or even your blog.

The term “troll,” in case you weren’t familiar, comes from the act of trolling, or traveling from place to place looking for something. Like trolling for fish on a lake, or trolling for a hookup at nightclubs. Internet trolls usually go from place to place (Website to Website) making a nuisance of themselves — mostly because they live in their mom’s basement and always strike out when trolling nightclubs.

Then, there’s the image of the trolls, like in mythology. Or Children’s stories. Like the evil little creatures that live under bridges and fight the Three Billy Goats Gruff. That is applicable, too, because of the unpleasant nature of Internet trolls.

Conservative blogs get trolls, usually liberals, but not always. Sometimes a conservative who happens to disagree about a certain point (Ron Paul!) will go from conservative blog to conservative blog — trolling — leaving comments (Ron Paul 2012!!1!!). Some call it “drive-bys,” and while that’s accurate, it is trolling at its purest.

Sometimes, they’ll hang around for a bit, but often, conservative trolls will do drive-bys on conservative blogs.

Then, there are the liberal trolls. They will also do the drive-by, or traditional trolling. But often, they’ll hit a conservative blog and try to hijack a post. Often, they’ll post long missives, hitting all their talking points, usually off the topic of the post. Say, a post is about Obamacare; they’ll write 17 paragraphs on Global Warming™ in the comments.

And that’s the thing about trolls, particularly liberal trolls. They want your stuff.

Let me explain.

Blogs that have their own domain name? We pay money for those. We also have hosting fees. In other words, we’re paying for the existence of the blog.

But, we don’t have to. For instance, two of the largest blogging services, Blogger and WordPress.com let anyone — even loudmouth liberals — start a blog for free.

Why is that important? Because if a troll really has a bunch of important stuff to say, he can start his own blog rant to his heart’s content. For free.

Yes, for free.

And, for trolls, that’s not enough. They can’t be happy with using their own blog — a blog that costs them nothing. They want to use your Website … that you paid for … to spread their message. They want to use your domain name … that you paid for … to spread their message. They want to use your Website’s bandwidth and disk space … that you paid for … to spread their message.

Getting something for free isn’t enough. They want more than that. They don’t just want it for free, they want to take away what’s yours.

It’s the way trolls are.

It’s the way liberals are.

lolterizt! Part 88

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



[reference link]


My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Dneff:

[reference link]

Also from Dneff:

From Jeff:

From JFK:

[reference link]

From NunyaB:

From Peregrine John:

[reference link]

From Rick of The Rabid Conservative:

[reference link]

Also from Rick of The Rabid Conservative:

[Mortal Kombat reference]

Also also from Rick of The Rabid Conservative:

From Ron Rockstar:


This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Glenn Beck Boycott

Just to update you, Glenn Beck called Obama a racist which makes him a racist (but doesn’t make you a racist if you call Glenn Beck a racist), so the nutroots — who never pick a fight with anyone worth the energy, you know, like terrorists — are screeching at him and demanding boycotts of companies that advertise on his show. Now a bunch of companies have pulled out of advertising on Glenn Beck’s show, except they are still advertising on FOX News just in different advertising blocks so it’s no loss of revenue for FOX News. Most likely, after the nutroots find something else inane to screech and fling poo about (to be clear, I’m comparing them to monkeys, particularly stupid irritable ones), everything will go back to normal.

I’ve never seen Glenn Beck’s FOX News show as it’s on during the day. I don’t think he can keep getting the ratings he does and not be put in prime time, though. That will really cause the nutroots to screech, so it would great if that’s done during a time when it would be nice to have them distracted, like campaign season.

Guide to Real Americans

A CNN reporter got angry at protesters calling themselves “real Americans”. Of course a reporter would be confused by that, because journalists are not real Americans. In fact, there are a lot of faux-Americans out there confusing people as to what a real American is. Here’s a handy guide to help out:

GUIDE TO REAL AMERICANS

Real Americans only approve of massive spending for going to the moon and building giant war robots.

Real Americans punch any hippies they see.

Real Americans not only don’t want a single-payer health care system, but want to invade Canada for the offense of having one.

Real Americans treat socialists about the same as they treat gophers and rats.

Real Americans never have too many guns.

Real American think there are far too many foreign countries and someone should do something about that.

Real Americans consider “European” to be a vulgar insult.

Real Americans are not only insulted by the idea of government handout, but homicidally enraged.

Real Americans think enemy dictators can save their negotiations for Judgment Day.

Real Americans don’t like any messages in their movies other than that explosions are really fun to watch.

Real American don’t like to be patronized by useless people.

Black Lantern Aquaman

I don’t know if any of you have been reading the Blackest Night series, but the new zombie Aquaman is actually kinda badass. He rips out someone’s heart and then has people torn apart by zombie sharks. It’s kinda like if you combined Fred Thompson and Aquaman… well, I guess you’d still have Fred Thompson because that’s like combining infinity and one. But if Fred Thompson crapped out the Aquaman part, then you’d have Black Lantern Aquaman punching out people’s hearts.

Random Thoughts

You know that fund I put my blog money in to save up for a laser rifle whenever those are available? If the government asks, it’s a 401k.

Maybe the solution is to get agreements with other countries to make it easier to move there. Find freedom scary? Try another country. Britain, Canada, Cuba: They love their health care! You should totally go there! For us free market people, we’re kinda stuck. Show some compassion, liberals, and just move to a country that already espouses your ideals. Everyone will be happy. It’s win-win.

Prediction: When the health care bill passes, it will have been scaled back to a resolution declaring health a good thing. Obama will declare victory.

RiffTrax Live Thursday

Just a reminder, the RiffTrax live event is Thursday. I wonder how many people will show up? They said it’s sold out in some places, and I don’t want to be the lone weirdo in Boise who likes RiffTrax. As least I’ll have my wife with me. It’s nice how that I got someone to marry me shields me from total loserdom. She won a beauty contest.

If you are going, there’s a contest to win an iPod touch loaded with RiffTraxes.

Frank Tips on Leadership

I don’t think Obama is a very good leader. His style lately has been to come out with some crazy proposal or policy idea, yell, “Do it because I’m Obama!”, and then people make fun of how his ears stick out until he compromises or gives up. I think somewhere before the end of his four years, people are just going to start ignoring him.

He needs to change his leadership style. And who is the best leader you know? That’s right: Me. I lead this blog. And I am awesome.

FRANK TIPS ON LEADERSHIP

* Speak with a deep voice; it’s authoritative. If needed, inhale sulfur hexafluoride.

* Have a dinosaur stand behind you. People are going to listen to anyone awesome enough to have a dinosaur stand behind… unless he’s some guy who doesn’t notice a dinosaur is behind him and about to eat him.

* Get a cool theme song. People are going to listen when your theme song is playing because they’ll know that moment is all about you. Bonus points if the song has a funky beat you can dance to.

* To make people know what you say are the words of a leader, follow everything you say with, “This I command!”

* You can’t only rule through fear (even thought that’s the totally funnest way to rule), you should also be a leader people like. That means being nice to people by telling them how you like the cut of their jib and handing out free candy. Also, institute a National Nachos Day.

* Grow a mustache. The bushier, the better.

* Learn kung fu. Eventually, people are going to challenge your right to leadership. If you don’t want to back down, make sure your kung fu is strong.

* Get a robot body. If people won’t listen to you because you’re a puny human vulnerable to traditional weaponry, a robot body with gatling gun arms will solve that.

* Have secret police. People tend to listen to whomever has the ability to drag them out of their homes in the middle of the night. Despite the name, though, make sure everyone knows about your secret police so they can be scared of them. Otherwise, when they show up at someone’s door in the middle of the night, people are going to be like, “Who are you guys? I never heard of you.” And they’ll be like, “That’s because we’re a secret.” And the guy will probably just close the door thinking it’s a prank. Happened all the time in the early Soviet Union.

* Have a giant throne. Also, have a trap door in front of your throne for anyone who displeases you. It should lead to a ravenous beast, but it can just lead to laundry if that’s easier to set up.

* Differentiate yourself. How are people supposed to know who the leader is if everyone is dressed in similar looking suits? You need something that shows you’re the leader like a cape or an important-looking hat.

* Do feats of strength. Sometimes people are going to question why you’re leader, but they won’t if you beat them all at Halo.

* To help with leadership, don’t just buy a boat and name it “Leader.” People will laugh at you.

* Use your blackness. I think that’s Obama’s most underused element for leadership. Sure, you can accuse anyone of being a racist who disagrees you, but that’s not being a good leader. Instead, get a mohawk and gold chains and inform fools that you pity them — that’s how I imagined a black president would be as a child. In the least, emulate Samuel L. Jackson more. You may need someone to follow you around and bleep you.

Random Thoughts

No matter what laws Congress passes, the actual minimum wage is always $0 per hour.

Do you think rainbows are a test pattern God uses to color correct the universe? The other day, things had a bit of a green tint, but then a rainbow appeared and soon it was fixed.

Conservatives should be honest and admit that a black president will cause an increase in racism… especially an extremely incompetent one.

To understand why liberals are so angry, they really think health care can be made free by passing some bill. If there was a bill that could magically make everyone healthy, who would oppose that but really mean evil people?

Instead of a death panel, Obama should propose a hugs panel. Secret known only to him: They are hugs… OF DEATH!!!