Hart of That Hero muses on the few remaining techniques available to the CIA now that guns, power drills, and family death threats are off the table for interrogating terrorists.
The thing is, direct inquiry isn’t the ONLY way to get people to give up secrets they shouldn’t. Consider some other possibilities:
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* “I’m from the New York Times, and this is totally off the record.”
* Nigerian spam scam
* Ebay/PayPal spoofs
* Reality show “confession booths”
* Your “anonymous” blog
* $3 discount bin diaries with “locks” on them that pop open if you look at them cross-eyed
* “We’ll just make this video for ‘fun’. No one else will ever see it, and I *promise* to erase it tomorrow”.
* A bottle of MD 20/20 & a harmless game of “Truth or Dare”.
* “Don’t worry. Our ‘privacy policy’ strictly prohibits sharing of information with third parties. You COULD read the whole boring thing if you want, or just click ‘I agree'”.
* Victoria’s Secret 44DD underwire digital mp3 recorder.
Any other ideas for information extraction?
* Place Taylor Swift CD in boom box. Attach head phone jack to boom box, then place head phones in detainee’s ear (for your own safety). Push “play”.
* Force detainee to listen to Hillary giving a speech to a black church in Alabama.
* Read detainee Vogon poetry.
* Force detainee to watch ESPN coverage of Brett Favre.
force detaninee to listen to Obooz’s health care speech
All of this will be handled under the new Department of Love according to the Realignment Czar.
They could do that old song from the Chile’s commercial, but never get beyond the first two verses:
I want my baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
I want my baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back…
I want my baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
I want my baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back
baby-back…
OK, so I stole the idea from an episode of ‘Scrubs’. What of it?
Is it really fair for us to know their secrets? After all, if they tell us they won’t be secrets anymore. If only some of the people that surrounded the Clintons could have been trusted to not give up their secrets they’d still be alive today.
Make five or six of them live on Michael Moores leftover lunch scraps. Known in the torture manual as Grub Diving in the Sea of Chins. Harsher treatment means refusing to waterboard them afterward.
Bacon. What secret is safe from the power of bacon?
Everclear works faster than MD 20/20
Showing any Michael Moore film over and over until they talk. Just threatening me with that is enough to bring on suicidal tendencies.
Easy. Not even the power of bacon can reveal how bacon is made. Only God knows.
Variant on the NYT tactic: Connie Chung (“Just whisper it to me, just between you and me….” )
Apostic – Kudos for pulling that one out of the memory hole. Wish I’d thought of it myself.
I’m surprised no one has yet opined, with this group in power everyone expects the “Spanish Inquisition”. It’ll come right after the end of the”Reconquista”.
#10 Marko-
I thought that was hot dogs?
#7 Jeff, No! No! bad! wasting bacon, bad! bad!
You know if they would compare techniques to actual definition of torture (looking at naked pictures of hillary, rosie, and madeline wrestling.)
Water boarding, thousand cuts, bamboo under finger nails = not torture.
spending day with moore, odonnel, clooney, barry hussein = torture.
Stage a fake escape, then take them to White Castle and get them stoned.
spending day with … clooney
Speak for yourself Plenty, I for one could be talked into spending the day with ol’ George. As long as I can turn his sound off? 😉
Maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part, but he doesn’t seem to be as vocal, or at least as moonbatty, as his colleagues.
Still allowed, amazingly:
http://tinyurl.com/ptukkk