As you’ve probably heard, scientists have concluded that global warming is making polar bears smaller. I know what you’re thinking — “Now I’ll finally be able to slap around those stupid polar bears!” — but you have to realize that these changes in the norm adversely affect everything. Here are some things to watch out for:
LESSER KNOWN EFFECTS OF GLOBAL WARMING
* Larger squirrels.
* Tighter face for Nancy Pelosi.
* Gradual increase in length for the American Idol results show.
* Gradual disappearance of orange M&Ms.
* Faster snails.
* Increase in delusions that Obama is smart.
* Bolder barbecue sauces.
* Increase in appearance of sleeves on blankets.
* Whinier hippies.
* Decrease in Mr. T’s pity.
* Increased obscurity in Dennis Miller jokes.
* Bird songs less in tune.
* Phatter beats.
* Less frequent updates on humor blogs.
* More tweeting.
*Hotter Sauce
*Increasing “I’m a Mac” violence
*Sweatier ducks
*Gradual shift from V to Q formation in migratory birds
*Increased incidence of swallow-facilitated coconut migration
* Increase of “ass” in badassery
So the world is getting “gayer”?
>>> * Less frequent updates on humor blogs.
This is not acceptable. We must save the polar bears and we must save the updates. Bust a cap’n trade on as many azzes as necessary to keep the posts flowing.
Whinier hippies?
Just frikkin’ shoot me now.
Super Bowl victory for the Minnesota Vikings with Bret Farve as QB! Suck it GB! (there is a reason they are called “packers”) and I hear the entire team are Tweeters!
Big Macs get bigger.
Whoppers get whopperier.
Teh One will seek more refuge in his bucket.
Harry Reid will get dingier.
Dick Cheney will get angrier. (Yay!!)
Keith Oburman will wet his pants even more.
In a complete reversal of previous scientific doctrine – scientists now believe that global warming causes moose farts.
* Less beer.
* Those annoying Mockingbirds that sing outside my window at midnight will get even louder.
* More fat Democrats will go shirtless.
* To prevent the Sun from getting any hotter, Fred Thompson will instead throw corrupt Democrat pork-spenders into Venus.
You’re right, Ussjc. Now whenever Favre throws a stupid pass (being a “gunslinger” and all) the ball will melt before it can reach the defensive back who was going to intercept it.
* Obama will go for more ice cream while people die in the streets of [fill-in-the-blank oppressed country].
Seems like the only thing we’re not getting from “global warming” is higher temperatures
*Cheeseburgers in Paradise must now come with piping hot cocoa instead of margaritas.
*Board shorts and red long-johns? Nice look.
*”Blew out my mukluk, Gore is a dumbf***…”
Went to see Jimmy Buffett this weekend in WI…he had to wear a parka! Can we PLEEEEASE put the myth to rest, already?
*Dogs and cats living together!
*Chocolate rain
*Bears will become smarter than average; steal more picnic baskets
*Rick James will replace Rick Astley as the Rick Roll of choice
* Chafing
My dog’s nose will become decidedly warmer….but my ex-wife’s heart will stay as cold as ever.
Crap! I didn’t know global warming caused a decrease in humor blog updates and and, more importantly, an increase in twitter. We have to stop this crap. I can’t stand that stupid twitter crap. We need to stop global warming before the internet implodes and just becomes one giant twitspacebook. We didn’t listen!
Global warming may lead to socialized medicine in the USA. Here is the logic:
Global warming -> Incessant rants by Al Gore -> Ted Kennedy’s brain tumor -> Ted Kennedy’s death -> Democrats pass socialized health care bill in memory of Ted Kennedy.
That’s how it could happen, folks.
it makes hippies more punchable.
algore and john travolta end their contest to see who can get the fattest.
democommies quit pretending to be “watermellons” for air conditioning.
present hussein sheds his diguise as a human so he can sun on a rock.
Punches land short of hippies and “tweeters”.
If global warming means less beer we might as well have obamacare – who wants to live in such a world!? Just give me the blue pill now! or is it the red pill?
Oooh, Frank, you need to correct that. It’s Tighter squirrels, Larger face for Nancy Pelosi.
When the polar bears get small enough, we can train them to run in hamster wheels to generate electricity to power our air-conditioners.
Everyone wins!
the chappaquiddick bay is warming and bubbling over and anyone who tries to swim in those waters turns into dead squid – I got this straight from Aquaman
Max Shiraz,
Apparently, lower temperatures are a direct result of higher temperatures.
Global Warming: Causing Libtard Encephalitis since Al Gore discovered it.
1)Increase in the sale of Anti-Perspirants. Part of my get rich slow scheme is to invest in anti-perspirant stocks.
Full employment of Little Dutch Boys who plug leaks in the Dykes of The Netherlands. Sexual Double-Entendre intended.
Total disregard for Revelation 16:8-9
Speaking of Nancy Pelosi, is there any truth to the rumor that if she gets her face lifted one more tim you’ll be able to see her nipples on her shoulders?
I applaud you on your understanding of polymer behavior with temperature changes. A slight temperature increase results in a more ordered polymer, for example: When a rubber band is heated, it will contract in length. (It will contract in width and depth, too, but who cares?)
Pelosi of course will have a tighter face over time no matter what the temperature. She will eventually look like Joan Rivers and make just as much sense.
Water vapor is 20-50 times more effective, as a greenhouse gas, as CO2. Should we convert to cars that are run by “fuel cells” by converting hydrogen and oxygen into “energy”, we would be releasing just that much more “greenhouse gas” into the atmosphere. What a brilliant idea.