A weird spiral appeared in the air in Norway:

Explainable!

This is something that might cause people to turn to fantastical explanation, but the rational mind knows to calm down and use Science! to find the answer.

So, what we need Norway to do is take a look around their country and answer these following questions to lead us to a logical answer:

Do people around you look the same but act differently? If so, then the spiral is the beginning of an alien attack and they are replacing everyone with pod people.

Have you run into someone who looks like you except with a goatee and is evil? Then the spiral is most likely a portal to the mirror universe.

Have all the annoying, preachy people disappeared? Then it was probably the rapture. Finally, we can do Science! without their interference!

Is there techno music playing, and is everyone around you dancing? Then it’s probably a laser light show as part of a music concert. Dance! Dance!

Remember, being logical leads to answers. Thus says Science!, and thus say we all.

When I was a kid, the TV channel Nickelodeon had an annual contest where you could win a Toys R Us five minute shopping spree in which could run around Toys R Us and grab all the toys you could in a five minute period. That’s like winning the lottery times a million to a kid.

When the Democrats took power this year, getting a liberal in the White House and majorities in the House and Senate, this was like their Toy R Us shopping spree. They quickly realized that their majority isn’t going to last long because of how people hate pretty much everything a liberal likes, so they have to pass as much liberal legislation as they can in their five minutes. That’s why when they took power and had a war and a failing economy to deal with, they were like, “We want toys!” and went on to their usual liberal stuff like health care and global warming like everything else was fine.

Luckily, they’re really clumsy about it, tripping over themselves and knocking over isles and such. Hopefully they’ll end their spree with sad faces not having gotten all the toys they really wanted. Otherwise, conservatives will have to get back in charge and then smash all their toys while liberals watch. People will hate us for it, but it will be fun.

America is about freedom, but it really seems like people look at it two different ways. There is the freedom of children, which is freedom from responsibility. Then there is the freedom of adults, which is free from the control of others. Liberals seem to focus mainly on the child’s freedom. All their arguments usually amount to “Give us control of more things, and you no longer have to worry about the important stuff.” But conservatives like that scarier adult freedom where you still have the responsibility to provide for yourself and your family but you don’t have the government pushing you around like a child.

America was founded on the ideals of adult freedom, but children get scared, and now we have the muddled mess we have. Maybe we have to realize how scary freedom can be sometimes and better accommodate those frightened by it. Like mailing them to Canada in a large box with air holes.

Something to think about.

People are like, “Frank! What can we do about Copenhagen! They’re going to make agreements to destroy our economy!”

But don’t worry, peasants; Frank J. is on the case.

The solution is simple: During a big conference, we release a bunch of polar bears on them.

Then, they’ll all be like, “Aieee! Polar bear population has gone so out of control they’ve come all the way down to — whatever country it is that Copenhagen is in!” (I’m really bad at geography, and I don’t care).

And then another will say, “We need to increase global warming to kill them off before they eat us and our stinky cheeses! The only way to do that is more capitalism!”

And then problem solved. You’re welcome.

Harry Reid (I’m sure it’s been said before, but it bears repeating: that’s an awful, awful porn name) compared opponents of Obamacare to opponents of the abolition of slavery (didn’t slaves get free health care?). Harry Reid hasn’t exactly made many friends as Majority Leader in the Senate and looks to be having a tough reelection fight in 2010. It makes one wonder exactly what he has accomplished as Majority Leader. Well, here’s a list of his top ten accomplishments:

TOP TEN ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF HARRY REID AS MAJORITY LEADER

10. Got a bi-partisan group of Republicans and Democrats to request that he use less aftershave.

9. Got lost in a coat closet.

8. Ranted on C-SPAN about how everyone in D.C. smells.

7. Forgot his pants on thirty-two separate occasions.

6. Was repeatedly warned not to bite children touring the Capitol.

5. Started a filibuster that didn’t end until he was removed by security from the express lane at the Piggly Wiggly.

4. Has angrily shaken his fist more than any other Majority Leader.

3. Has on repeated occasions responded to questions about Nevada with really confused looks.

2. Wrote an intergalactic defense bill after being startled by a helicopter.

And the number one accomplishment of Harry Reid while majority leader…

Continue reading ‘Top Ten Accomplishments of Harry Reid as Majority Leader’ »

A new rant from Zo on liberals and global warming:

Global warming has become so erratic due to human activity that computer models can not successfully predict its effects… or even whether the earth will get warmer. Yet people are still ignoring the problem. Thus everyone at Copenhagen is working on new claims of disasters caused by global warming to capture the world’s imagination.

BRAND NEW EFFECTS OF GLOBAL WARMING CLAIMED BY COPENHAGEN

* You know how dry deserts are? Well, now they’re even more drier.

* Lack of foliage is reducing the ninja’s native habitat: the shadows.

* American presidents are becoming increasingly incompetent.

* Rain clouds are becoming sentient.

* The heat is affecting scientists’ brains, causing them to write incriminating e-mails.

* Pit bulls are getting angrier and increasingly right-wing.

* Al Gore will soon snap completely and kiss random people in invasive ways when on camera.

* Wetlands are turning from wet to just sticky.

* Due to loss of habitat, more polar bears are turning to armed robbery.

* Rabbits, instead of multiplying, are exponentiating.

* Rainforests are being populated with even more creatures voiced by Robin Williams.

* Joblessness rate continues to rise for glaciers.

So non-BCS teams Boise State and TCU fought so hard this season to be able to prove themselves by playing against a top-ranked BCS team on a national stage, both ending their regular seasons undefeated, and now they get to play… each other… just like last year in their consolation-prize bowl.

Gah!

It is the Fiesta Bowl, but these teams wanted to prove themselves to be something other than the best of the non-BCS teams. So here are some suggestions for a more apt name for their game than “Fiesta Bowl”:

ALTERNATE NAMES FOR THE FIESTA BOWL

* The Kiddie Table Bowl

* The David vs. David Bowl

* The Screw You, Non-BCS Teams Bowl

* The Glass Ceiling Bowl

* The Poinsettia Bowl

* The Prevent Embarrassment to BCS Teams Bowl

* The It Doesn’t Matter How Well You Play, We’ll Never Give You a Chance Bowl

* The BCS People Are Worse Than Hitler, Stalin, and the Guy Who Invented Clamshell Packaging Combined Bowl.

Somehow, I blame Obama for all of this.

Democratic Senator Sheldon Whitehouse of Rhode Island claimed (link NSFW) that in 8 years, he couldn’t remember George W. Bush ever being portrayed with a Hitler mustache.

His point being that it’s completely wrong for Tea Partiers to compare Obama to Hitler.

My point being that if you’re not smart enough to put the words “Bush” and “Hitler” into a Google Image search, you’re probably shouldn’t be considered qualified to vote on matters of national import.

Still, his criticism is noted, and from now on, I’ll show some restraint when comparing Obama to people with postage-stamp moustaches:

One’s a comedian whose bungling antics brought laughter to millions, the other got his start in Vaudeville.