It’s a nice bit of Robot Theater, but it’s all lies. Here’s the extra-truthy reality:

Yes, I have a high hairline, but the bald spot is kept firmly in check by my fanatical use of Rogaine for the last decade, and the beard is full-face, but neatly-trimmed.

Seriously – Michael Gross, circa 1985

Oh, and the accent is pure Wisconsin.

Look, I’ll prove it:

“Yah, there, hey. I drink from a bubbler when I stop at The Dells as I’m drivin’ up ta Lambeau. Go Pack! The Bears still suck!”

I think that should put to rest these foul rumors of my being naught more than a nebulous byproduct of Frank’s thinkological deliriums.

John Hawkins has compiled the most asinine liberal quotes of the last ten years.

If you wonder why Science! often doesn’t get the respect it deserves, it’s because of crap like this. Yes, the “Doomsday Clock” set by “scientists” and promoted by the “science” press. Because what do you call translating the complex vagaries of world politics into time on a clock? That’s right: Science!

Anyway, the clock has been on the verge of midnight for forever now (if you’re wondering what happens if it reaches midnight, it’ll make this big alarm and then we’ll probably just hit snooze), but they’ve for the first time moved it back a minute because of Obama. That’s right, we’re all now safer because of dummy big-ears who all terrorists and rogue states feel free to give wedgies to. Iran’s building nuclear weapons unabated but we’re all safer because the president now won’t yell at them, so says “scientists.” Also, the clock doesn’t just keep track of nuclear weapons now but also global climate change warming… or whatever the hell they’re calling it now. That’s just as big a threat because while unicorns’ magic can protect them from radiation, they are defenseless to carbon dioxide. Again — Science!

With the Coakley debacle in Massachusetts, I wonder if the Democrats needs a Doomsday Clock. The Democrat doomsday is when everyone finally gets frustrated with the Democrats, says, “We like freedom and making our own choices, you guys are against that, so you’re out of here,” and then toss the Democrats into the sea. According to scientific polling (Science!), they really seemed to rollback the clock at the end of 2008, but now it’s accelerating towards midnight faster than ever before. Soon, everyone will want to control their own lives, and among the Democrats there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Of course, I don’t see why it has to be a clock. It’s kind of an idiotic thing to pick since its supposed to move in a constant manner but the whole idea of the Doomsday Clock is it moves at different speeds. Instead, it should be a gun with the trigger being pulled with various tensions, and if the tension on the trigger is high enough… BOOM! You get shot in the face! That brings a real sense of foreboding. Actually, I just really want something called a “Doomsday Gun.”

In this dramatization of the inner-workings of IMAO, Harvey and I discuss rumors about him:

So Google has found out that helping a tyrannical dictatorship is not a great idea. With the Chinese government trying to hack them and use Google as a tool to oppress its people, Google has finally said they won’t play along anymore and must be allowed to be uncensored or they won’t work with China at all.

You know, this whole mess probably could have been avoided if Google just had some sort of policy about not being evil.

It’s just soooo their color!

[Cross-posted at America is an Obamanation!]

Newt Gingrich mentioned himself as one of the top candidates right now for the Republican’s nominee for president in 2012. So who are the other candidates? As it’s never to early to speculate on presidential elections, here’s a look at the current field for Republicans in 2012:

Newt Gingrich
Pros: Smart conservative.
Cons: Supported Scozzafava, so actually not that smart. In fact, rather dumb.

Sarah Palin
Pros: Is liked by Republican base. Will quickly kill known enemy of the republic, the moose.
Cons: So stupid and lacking in experience, she’s often compared to Obama.

Mitt Romney
Pros: Economic experience.
Cons: Not environmentally sound as he’s made from non-biodegradable plastic.

Tim Pawlenty
Pros: Successful governor.
Cons: The most interesting thing about him is… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Mr. T
Pros: Strong. Tough. Does not tolerate jibber-jabber.
Cons: We’ve already gotten burned by compassionate conservatism, so we don’t need someone who pities the fool. Harry Reid and others would not approve of the darkness of his skin or his manner of speaking.

The Unnamed Republican
Pros: No one knows who he is as he always wears a Mexican wrestling mask. As mysterious as he is conservative.
Cons: I’d need some sort of guarantee he’s not actual John McCain.

The Incredible Hulk:
Pros: Taps in nicely to Tea Party anger. “Hulk smash big government!”
Cons: It’s been suggested his nickname for Democrats — “puny humans” — is a gay slur making many label him homophobic.

Batman
Pros: Tough on crime and terrorism.
Cons: Can’t give many speeches as that voice he does hurts his throat after not too long.

Thomas Jefferson’s Brain Transplanted Into a Gorilla
Pros: The smarts of Thomas Jefferson and the strength of a gorilla.
Cons: He might be dismissed as a crank since many people now associate Thomas Jefferson with Ron Paul.

Me
Pros: Everything.
Cons: Won’t be old enough to be president in 2012. Why is the Constitution always preventing me from doing anything fun?

I’ve enjoyed Red Eye Robot Theater and the reader submitted videos Harvey has posted, so here’s a dramatization of a recent conversation between me and SarahK: