With Pelosi calling people back from summer recess to spend $26 billion more, you ever wonder if the Democrats are addicted to spending? That’s why I liked the summer recess — no more spending — but apparently the Democrats can’t go not spending our money that long without getting the shakes. And I’m sure the Democrats will come up with some reason to make it sound urgent to spend the money like saying it’s to get puppies for orphans and that anyone against it must hate puppies and orphans, but in the end I think it’s just about spending more money because that’s their whole life and what they’re obsessed with.

What the Republicans need to do is say, “Okay. Let’s spend more money.” Then they’ll act like they’re going in to vote, but as soon as the Democrats are all in the vote-atorium, they’ll lock them inside. And the Democrats will be like, “Let us out! There’s no money to spend in here!” And the Republicans will be like, “No. You’re not coming out until you detox from spending.” And the Dems will screech and cry and claw at the door, but the Republicans will have to hold firm. And if the Democrats are like, “We’re hungry; please give us food.” don’t do it! It’s a trick! As soon as someone goes in there, they’ll grab his money and spend it. And if one complains about needing his heart medication, also a trick.

So that’s what I think the Republicans should do. How would you end the Democrats’ addiction to spending?

Democrats are being advised not to talk about all their legislative accomplishments while campaigning for reelection because all the stuff they passed will just make people mad. That will make it hard for them to say anything. A Democrat will be like, “Being your Representative was fun and I would like to do it again.”

And people will be like, “Well what did you do in your last term?”

And the Democrat will be like, “I don’t remember. I’m sure it was good, though. If you reelect me, I’ll make sure to write down what I do this time so I can tell you about it afterwards.”

And people will be like, “Didn’t you recklessly spend all our money on liberal nonsense while the economy went down the toilet?”

And the Democrat will be like, “No. I think you’re thinking of someone else. Anyway, you don’t want to elect a Republican because they’ll just make things worse.”

And someone will say, “I don’t think it’s possible for things to be worse.”

And then the Democrat will have to resist saying, “I don’t think it’s possible for your face to be worse.” since the guy totally opened himself up for it. Instead, the Democrat can say something like, “No. They’re much worse. Last time they were in charge, unemployment was 20%. And monsters attacked and they didn’t do anything to stop them.”

Then the Democrat has to just hope his constituents are dumb enough to believe him, and a lot of really liberal Representatives made sure to run in districts full of stupid people so they really strategized ahead.

Kos’s new book American Taliban now has a cover, and it seems kinda derivative of the cover of Liberal Fascism. It doesn’t even make sense. I mean, the Hitler mustache smiley face on Liberal Fascism represents the new happy fascism of the left, but the unhappy face on Kos’s book represents… best I can figure it’s sole purpose is a “No you’re the fascist!” to Jonah Goldberg. It’s a bit obsessive and pathetic, so it captures the essence of Daily Kos well.

Caleb Howe from Red State has some mock ups of Kos’s rejected covers. I’m not thinking any cover would really help the book at this point, because it just doesn’t seem like there’s a very big audience for it. With the Democrats in charge and having completely totaled the economy while mindlessly spending our money, how many people are looking to the golden age of conservatism — the eighties with Reagan in charge — and saying, “Wow! That was just like having the Taliban in control!” Very few people are that stupid, and I don’t know how many could afford a book. Plus the whole Taliban comparison always seemed disingenuous since the right wants to destroy the Taliban and the left wants to negotiate with them. In reality, the left always hated their political opponents — the right — more than they hated actual enemies of America such as the murderous thugs the Taliban. Instead of saying the right are just like the Taliban, maybe Kos could say, “The Taliban are as bad as the right! They’re just like Glenn Beck! We need to destroy them!” Then he’d be marginally useful. That could be fun for him instead of just being the creepy, obsessive internets guy.

Make sure you read my Pajamas Media column from the weekend. I thought it was a pretty good one… even though everything I do is just vary levels of awesome.

Sometimes I feel pretty bad for Obama because he always looks so scared and confused as president. Plus, all he ever has is bad news to tell everyone.

“Looks like I somehow misplaced half our country’s GDP, and another ocean is now covered in oil. I don’t know what to do! Somebody help me!”

So I thought I’d come up with some good news he could tell everybody. It’s hard to find good news these days, but I’m very smart. Actually, there’s some good news right there: “Frank J. is still very smart and hasn’t decided to use his vast mental powers to destroy us all.”

GOOD NEWS FOR OBAMA

* “While I’ve been president, very few Americans have been killed by tigers.”

* “Thanks to the work of Homeland Security, we haven’t had one giant asteroid attack.”

* “Thanks to my efforts, very few pedophiles these days can afford a van.”

* “Dilbert is still employed.”

* “I can guarantee the job losses will eventually end since there is no such thing as ‘negative jobs’.”

* “America has continued a steady growth while I’ve been president. In mass.”

* “The iPad’s pretty neat, huh? That came out during MY presidency.”

* “During my presidency, vampires have become 200% less threatening and 500% more sparkly.”

* “It could be worse. We could be… um… attacked by pirates! No, wait; that happened.”

* “Keith Olbermann will no longer ruin your football enjoyment.”

* “Despite New Black Panther threats to the contrary, cracker babies remain safe and sound.”

* “Well, I think we now have a good handle on what not to do.”

* “I still haven’t been attacked by a rabbit. Really crossing my fingers on that one.”

* “Just know that my administration has everything under complete control. Now has anyone seen the nuclear football? No? How about my car keys?”

* “So far, we’ve kept that monster of a man Spencer Ackerman from putting anyone through a plate glass window.”

* “I think we’ve all learned to appreciate jobs more.”

ME: I kinda get the feeling you’re not quite understanding the whole situation in the country is in right now.

OBAMA: Did you see the trip my wife Michelle went on? It looked fun.

ME: That’s what I’m talking about. Everyone is hurting in this economy, unemployment is through the roof, and you’re doing elaborate vacations and taking helicopter to fetch the newspaper from your driveway.

OBAMA: I like riding the helicopter. It makes a neat sound. Thup thup thup thup!

ME: Yeah, that’s the sound a helicopter makes. But you don’t seem to be understanding what people in this country want. Like when, they’re all crying, “Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!” you hear…

OBAMA: Health care!

ME: Exactly. So are you going to do anything about jobs?

OBAMA: I’ll fix that just like I did the oil spill.

ME: You didn’t do anything about the oil spill.

OBAMA: And now it’s fixed. I fixed it. I even saw the oil spill from the air in my helicopter. Thup thup thup thup.

ME: Well, considering your record, doing nothing about jobs is probably better that you trying to do something.

OBAMA: That reminds! I’m going to do something about jobs! I’m going to tax the rich! I don’t like the rich. Grr!

ME: The rich make most of the jobs. How is that going to help with jobs?

OBAMA: I don’t like the rich. They think they have a better helicopter than me but they don’t. Especially not after I tax them.

ME: But aren’t these taxes going to hurt the job situation more?

OBAMA: Once I hit my head coming out of the helicopter. It made me mad so I blew up the helicopter and bought a new one.

ME: Do you even understand what a job is?

OBAMA: Thup thup thup thup!

I have a new column up a Pajamas Media explaining why lemonade stands have no place in a civilized society.

So the State Department has said they won’t apologize for bombing Hiroshima. That’s good, because I’m pretty sure we didn’t do it by accident. If we did do it by accident, I’d be okay with an apology.

“Hey, Japan we’re all like sorry for hitting you with an atomic bomb. It was meant for Mongolia, but we totally got our wires crossed and got you guys instead. Sorry dudes. Here’s a coupon for free cheesy sticks with your next order of pizza.”

Also, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the State Department who dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. At least, I don’t think it was. Do we give them atomic weapons? Because if we do, I should probably reevaluate how I’m always pointing and laughing at them.

It would be kinda funny, though, if we went to Hiroshima and apologized for bombing Nagasaki.

“Sixty-five years ago we dropped atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and I would like to apologize for bombing Nagasaki. That was wrong. They weren’t a bunch of jerks like Hiroshima; it was out of line.”

I hope Japan has learned the appropriate lessons from being atomic bombed, though, which is: Be sweet. If you’re nice and sweet to everyone, you don’t get atomic bombed. But if you’re mean, then boom! So be sweet.

Good lesson for all countries.

So, we lost 131,000 more jobs last month, and June numbers were revised to show another 100,000 jobs lost. But Timothy Geithner says we’re in a recovery and we should be thankful for how smart Obama is. I’m starting to think that maybe Obama’s people are about as good on economics as they are at using Turbo Tax. We’ve reached the point where it would have been better if we just elected a mangy old dog president, because if the president had just sat in the Oval Office licking himself all this time we probably would have recovered by now. Plus the dog wouldn’t have made up figures about imaginary jobs that were “saved and created.” Instead we had Obama licking himself while passing giant, meddlesome new programs. And now he’s threatening to raise taxes on the rich — the job creators. Electing Obama was a dumb thing. We should definitely teach our children not to do something like that again. Of course, some of our parents taught us not to elect someone like Carter again, and I guess that didn’t take.

Anyway, now is the time to forge a Kenyan birth certificate and get Obama thrown out of office. Doesn’t have to be too believable, as at this point most people will be willing to pretend to think it’s real.