John Hawkins has a list of worst people in American history as picked by righty bloggers, and it’s been somewhat controversial. For one, they have Jimmy Carter ranked as worse than Timothy McVeigh. Plus, it’s hard to believe Michael Moore is one of the worst people in American history when I’m guessing most people don’t even know who he is now.
For my list, I didn’t pick anyone who was still living so there would be some historical perspective, but it was an odd thing to pick anyone for. I believe it was Ed Morrisey who noted if you didn’t pick political people, you’d basically just have a list of serial killers, which wouldn’t be very informative. So anyway, it’s really subjective, but I figured I should at least offer some tips on how not to be a worst American.
TIPS ON HOW NOT TO BE A WORST AMERICAN
* Brush your teeth
* Don’t be rude
* Be nice to your parents
* Don’t murder people
* Don’t put your merchandise in clamshell packaging
* Respect the opinions of others
* Don’t set orphanages on fire just for fun
* Don’t vote for Democrats
* Don’t blow into a vuvuzela
* Eat your vegetables
* Don’t be racist
* Don’t be Irish
* Don’t bite
* Be gentle to puppies and kittens
* Avoid Marxism
* Don’t be an internet troll
* Don’t build a mosque at Ground Zero
* Don’t text while driving
* Don’t tie people up in your basement
Do you have any tips for not being a worst American? If you have any good suggestion, I’ll make you one of my picks for best American.
Don’t point out typos. Damn!
* Don’t put your damn cat in the dryer or microwave even though you want to. (But threaten him/her with it often.)
* Don’t leave the toilet seat up in the middle of the night (unless it’s the mother-in-law bathroom).
* Don’t signal left and turn right, or vice verse (unless you live in Seattle).
* Don’t move to a state just because it has higher welfare payments or unemployment comp. (Stand your ground and starve to death where you are.)
* Don’t tell your neighbor you’re going to poison his dog if he poops in your yard again. (Poison your neighbor and then tell him while he’s dying.)
Do not liberally spray your neighbors car door handles (or the interior, if the windows are open) with Bear grade pepper spray.
Do not use a wrist rocket style slingshot loaded with frozen glass marbles to “plink” on your neighbors car windows in the middle of the night. The same goes for the windows on their home.
Do not place road kill on their porch or roofing nails in their driveway and lawn.
These things could cause you to lose your wonderful neighbors depriving you of the ability to witness their loud drunken “antics” on a frequent basis.
Don’t be Irish? How?
* Don’t read things into the Constitution that the drafters of it didn’t put in it…which ties into the next thing…
* Don’t assume that the Constitution applies to you if you aren’t American…which only makes you a Worst UN-American
* When the only other vehicle at a 4 way stop is behind you, IT”S YOUR TURN, GO!
* When you are slower traffic, KEEP RIGHT!
* While shopping at the grocery store, move your cart out of the middle of the aisle (at 90 degrees to traffic) while you try to discern the difference between the brands of organic peanut butter.
* Don’t buy organic peanut butter.
* Leave your “green” shopping bags at home.
Don’t stand in doorways if you are not a door.
I’m not allowed to burn orphanages or tie people up in my basement,…WTF.
Watch “The Simpsons” religiously.
Don’t watch MSNBC.
Laugh whenever a bum falls down – it let’s people know that something funny happened.
Eat bacon for every meal.
Whenever somebody is playing soccer in your neighborhood, shoot a hole in the ball with your concealed weapon. Then, shoot the soccer players for good measure.
Read a book to a frightened child. Like “Why The Boogey Man Is Always Hiding In You Closet” or “One Day When You Sleep, The Tooth Fairy Will Take ALL Your Teeth With Pliers”
Don’t take my money to support your pet causes.
Think for yourself
Do not wear high heels
(oh, that last one might just be a personal rule)
As John Prine once wrote,
Blow up your tv.
Throw away your papers.
Go to the country. Build you a home.
Plant a little garden.
Eat a lot of peaches.
Try and find Jesus on your own.
*Appreciate freedom
*Stock up on ammo and tuna
*Don’t be Jimmy
Thank you, Surly – that irritates me no end.
Then whose basement should I use? Quick! This is important! No reason.
Sorry, Basil – mine’s full up. I suggest you tie them up before you put them in the basement. Chains are another option.
If you blindfold them, you could put then in any room and just say it’s the basement.
(Use the kitchen and keep the fridge door open for added realism)
Don’t vote for RINOs.
Don’t let your friends or relatives vote for RINOS.
Don’t let Liberals/Progressives vote in your Distrct.
Or even live around you.
If you’re married, don’t be overweight as this story points out:
“My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
So I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started…”
Don’t shop at Wal-Mart because most everything they sell is cheap crap that’s made in China.
Don’t wear your black leather corset, fish net stockings and black stilettos to church on Sundays. If you must, wear a coat and leave your whip outside the church entrance.
If you’re an able-bodied male, give up your seat for a child and/or female. If you’re an able-bodied person, don’t make a 8+-months pregnant woman stand while you sit.
Don’t drink and drive
When out in public, don’t walk 5 people across and refuse to yield to people heading the other way.
OOOOOOOH also: speak some form of English, but don’t speak IM. If you actually say, “LOL!” to a person or call them your “BFF”, it is grounds for being tied up in the basement. Speaking of tying people up in the basement – Basil, you seem like a cool guy so you can use mine.
Hey Frank, you need to let this Irish thing go. It’s OBAMA, not O’BAMA. Okay, and now I am finally done posting.
Don’t be Intolerant of other peoples’ cultures, and don’t be Dutch.—-Nigel Powers.
Don’t be Keith Olber-Fool.
Don’t be a Kos Kid. Lay off the HuffPo.
Don’t call the house trying to collect a debt from someone that doesn’t live there.
Raise rabbits, not chickens.
Don’t be size 2XX or larger, and sit next to me on a plane, in coach.
So, does that mean burning down the orphanage for profit didn’t make the list? Or, that tying people up, in the attic is an acceptable form of recreation?
Don’t tie people up in your basement
party pooper.
Here is a rascist joke.
Q. What do you call and Irish 7 Course Meal?
A. A boiled potato and a six pack of beer.
Begorahh!
And exactly why is it wrong to tie people up in the basement? Some people make their extra income that way.
don’t expect people to get out of your way when your lane is the one that ends.
don’t spend your money in support of unions and then complain about walmart.
don’t take anybody’s word about what’s in the constitution. read it for yourself.
“Don’t be Irish”
whew… i’m only one-quarter of a bad american. i was concerned for a minute.
If you’re a Muslim American don’t insist on building a mosque two blocks from ground zero. Unless, of course, you’re doing it just to piss everyone else off.
I hate “The Simpsons”.
Clam Shell Packaging! You got me right there! They should take the little Pr!ck that invented that out and put his stones into a clam shell package with no scissors, knife or any utensils and tell him to free himself! Idiots! I bought a new razor a month ago and it took at least 1 hour with scissors and knives! These people are lower than Jimmy Carter!
Well Marco curiosity compels me to ask…why do you hate The Simpsons? Is it for the same reason I hate Family Guy?
I was on a roll until I got to “don’t be Irish”. Okay, this week I’ll be Scottish. I also used to have a lot of Scotch in my blood, but then I started going to those meetings.
Walrus, you can still burn down orphanages, just don’t do it for fun.
Just make sure that’s not the basement where you tie people up.
I’ll assume so, zzyzx!
Don’t cancel Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Don’t call me racist if you’re black and I think your ideas are stupid. Color ain’t got nothin’ to do with it, your ideas are truly stupid.
Don’t pull up to a four way stop and then wave everyone else through when you have the right of way. Go when you’re supposed to go! Don’t make me try and guess what the hell is going on in your tiny little peabrain…
If you’re a “volounteer” worker, don’t just show up whenever you feel like it. Try and get on a set schedule so the other people working with you can use your time to the best of everyone’s advantage. I’m talking to YOU, squirrells…
It’s perfectly OK to tie up hippies in your basement. Then, if you have an overwhelming urge to punch a hippie, you know exactly where to find one.
Don’t vote for people with terrorist middle names.
Don’t vote for people with terrorist middle names who hang around with terrorists.
Don’t vote for people with terrorist middle names who can’t/won’t prove where they were born.
Don’t vote for people with terrorist middle names who say that terrorists aren’t terrorists.
Don’t vote for people with terrorist middle names to prove you’re not raaaaacist.
Scrape the damn bumper stickers of you mother f’ing Volvo proclaiming you voted for the guy with the terrorist
middle name to prove you’re not racist while living in a town with 2 black people.
Don’t prove you probably voted for the guy with the terrorist middle name by riding your damn bike in rush hour traffic with your damn kid in a little trailer that I could drive right over without even feeling it.
You better start working on the “be nice to your parents”.
Read IMAO everyday.
Who ever gets home from work first starts dinner.
Don’t spit on the sidewalk.
Keep your finger off the trigger until your sights are on the target,
then squeeze, don’t jerk.
Always have enough gun.
If you don’t have Bear strength pepper spray, skunk scent extract works too.
(or so I’ve been told.)
This basement thing……..If your basement has a big deep hole dug in the floor, is that hole still considered “basement.”? And if it is, where am I supposed to keep those that “puts the lotion on their body” tied up? I cant put them in the Moth room………
Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up:
Don’t, just don’t be a liberal.
Succinct. And a Princess Bride reference.
Burmashave FTW.
Heard something fascinating today.
You don’t allow a mosque to be built at ground zero while impeding the rebuilding of a Greek Orthodox Christian church that was crushed when the towers fell.
Apparently the Port Authority has a real problem with REBUILDING a Christian church but no problem BUILDING a monument to the religion whose doctrine incited animals to murder 3000 innocent people.
Oh so sorry St Nicholas church and parish, you have to find somewhere else to go. It’s insensitive of you to want to rebuild on the very site of one of Islam’s most holy and spectacular victories over the great satan. What were you thinking?
It’s been said before, but again, if these people really wanted to encourage tolerance and communication they wouldn’t be building this mosque at ground zero, they would be offering land in Mecca to build a Christian church. Yeah when pigs fly (would that they fly over and dive bomb Al Queda).
It is seriously time for us to treat them as they treat us, because we’ve tried it the other way and all we’ve gotten are dead citizens and a sharp stick in the eye. Time to take off the gloves but we’ll need a new Champion because the one we have now couldn’t fight his way out of a wet tissue paper bag.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irish_American
The Irish make the greatest American. Reagan was Irish you know. If that’s not good enough for you, I don’t know what else to say…