Happy Birthday, Marines!

It’s the Marines’ 235th birthday today, so I’d just like to thank the Marines for how they make this a better world to live in by removing people who make it a worse world to live in. I found out there is a new Warrior Song dedicated just to the Marines (I’m guessing because they didn’t like being called “soldiers” in the original version), so here it is in tribute:

And one way you can celebrate the Marines’ birthday is helping Team Marines raise money for the Valour-IT fundraiser. It’s tech to help wounded warriors, so give generously in thanks to the Marines.

In My World: Excerpts from Bush’s Memoir

Here are some excerpts from George W. Bush’s new book Decision Points:

The close election in 2000 was quite a surprise. I didn’t know why we needed a recount, though, since I already won the count. Couldn’t we just go by the count? I guess it all worked out for the best for both of us, though, with me as president and with Gore ranting about ecological disaster while stuffing his face full of Ho Hos. I never did see his movies, but know what I did see? Iron Man. That was a great movie!

It was always a good idea to listen to Karl Rove. He just knows so many things like what election strategies work in which districts, how to get our people out to vote, what a soul tastes like…

Never quite cared for the White House Press Corps. They say there is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people, I just wish there were less stupid people there. Also, I wish their questions weren’t so stupid. I tried coming up with nicknames for them all to be more friendly with them, but I ended up just calling them all “dumbass.”

When people said I was lying about Iraq, I got really worried. But it ends up no one did figure out there is no such place as Iraq.

One of the most controversial things Donald Rumsfeld asked for was to nuke the U.N. Headquarters to “show the world what happens to incompetent fools who waste our time.” He also asked the same thing of the DNC headquarters. He was such wacky fun. Incidentally, the day after he left office, we noticed one nuke was missing from our stockpiles.

I’d say the biggest mistake of my presidency was getting into Lost and expecting the plot to go anywhere.

Though it was an accident when Cheney shot someone in the face, he really didn’t need to be carrying his shotgun around at all time and he didn’t need to be constantly pointing it at people’s faces.

When I first met Barrack Obama, I tried to be as nice as possible. Eventually, I just had to ask why he had a bucket on his head. That was a big mistake. He started shouting, “Obviously, I was curious whether my head would fit in inside it and then it ended up getting stuck! You are very stupid not to know that! Very very stupid!” He then tried storming out, but walked into a wall and then fell down some stairs. If I had videotape of it, it would be on the YouTubes.

One of the worst incidents of my presidency was when Kanye West said during a fundraiser that I don’t “care about black people.” Of course, I was standing right next to him at the time, and I said to him, “Well, my fist cares about your face!” and then I started beating him up. Then people started yelling, “Look! The president is beating up a black person!” It was a big mess. Still, after the event, Kanye West and I headed to Denny’s to get dinner and made up. We’ve been fast friends since.

When I finally left the White House, the last thing I did was say good bye to Harry Reid one last time, tossing him out the window while calling him a miserable old failure. He always made the funniest sounds when he hit the ground.

Mystery Missile

So, apparently there was like a missile fired 35 miles away from Los Angeles, and no one is sure whose it is and where it came from. Anyway, I just want to put some rumor to rest: This is not a secret attempt to nuke the moon. That is idiotic to even think that. The whole point of nuking the moon is that we’d announce it loudly beforehand and be like, “We’re nuking the moon and no one can stop us!” And everyone would be like, “No! Not the moon! You crazy Americans!” And then we’d be like, “Shut up, or we’ll pretend you’re a moon!”

As for what really is the story behind the missile, I don’t know. Since the dawn of time, missiles have just been suddenly fired into the air with no explanation and remain a mystery for all time. Let’s just hope it doesn’t blow up anyone we know or care about.

Random Thoughts

So what’s this about the new reality show “Mystery Missile”? Those wacky people in Hollywood!

I haven’t watched Sesame Street since I was five, so am I going to be completely lost with the plot when watching it again with Buttercup?

Elmo actually became popular probably just after I stopped watching that show. I don’t even know who that dude is.

So the star of The Walking Dead is yet another foreigner playing an American. Are we really that lacking in decent American actors?