Here are some excerpts from George W. Bush’s new book Decision Points:

The close election in 2000 was quite a surprise. I didn’t know why we needed a recount, though, since I already won the count. Couldn’t we just go by the count? I guess it all worked out for the best for both of us, though, with me as president and with Gore ranting about ecological disaster while stuffing his face full of Ho Hos. I never did see his movies, but know what I did see? Iron Man. That was a great movie!

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It was always a good idea to listen to Karl Rove. He just knows so many things like what election strategies work in which districts, how to get our people out to vote, what a soul tastes like…

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Never quite cared for the White House Press Corps. They say there is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people, I just wish there were less stupid people there. Also, I wish their questions weren’t so stupid. I tried coming up with nicknames for them all to be more friendly with them, but I ended up just calling them all “dumbass.”

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When people said I was lying about Iraq, I got really worried. But it ends up no one did figure out there is no such place as Iraq.

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One of the most controversial things Donald Rumsfeld asked for was to nuke the U.N. Headquarters to “show the world what happens to incompetent fools who waste our time.” He also asked the same thing of the DNC headquarters. He was such wacky fun. Incidentally, the day after he left office, we noticed one nuke was missing from our stockpiles.

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I’d say the biggest mistake of my presidency was getting into Lost and expecting the plot to go anywhere.

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Though it was an accident when Cheney shot someone in the face, he really didn’t need to be carrying his shotgun around at all time and he didn’t need to be constantly pointing it at people’s faces.

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When I first met Barrack Obama, I tried to be as nice as possible. Eventually, I just had to ask why he had a bucket on his head. That was a big mistake. He started shouting, “Obviously, I was curious whether my head would fit in inside it and then it ended up getting stuck! You are very stupid not to know that! Very very stupid!” He then tried storming out, but walked into a wall and then fell down some stairs. If I had videotape of it, it would be on the YouTubes.

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One of the worst incidents of my presidency was when Kanye West said during a fundraiser that I don’t “care about black people.” Of course, I was standing right next to him at the time, and I said to him, “Well, my fist cares about your face!” and then I started beating him up. Then people started yelling, “Look! The president is beating up a black person!” It was a big mess. Still, after the event, Kanye West and I headed to Denny’s to get dinner and made up. We’ve been fast friends since.

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When I finally left the White House, the last thing I did was say good bye to Harry Reid one last time, tossing him out the window while calling him a miserable old failure. He always made the funniest sounds when he hit the ground.