MEMO
From: Alec Baldwin
To: Paula Deen
Re: LanguagePaula! Love your stuff. Gotta say, though, you really stepped in it. That’s gotta hurt when things comes out that you never figured would see the light of day.
Let me offer you some unsolicited advice. Next time some little pissant gets under your skin, say something like “I’m gonna find you, you toxic little queen, and I’m gonna f*** … you … up.” And, for good measure, add “If put my foot up your f***ing a**, but I’m sure you’d dig it too much.”
See? You get the anger out of your system, and nobody says a peep! Well, nobody of any consequence.
Anyway, love your stuff.
Call me.
Alec
From: Michael Richards
To: Paula Deen
Re: Language
Hi Paula. Alec is right – if you want to call someone names don’t use the n-word.
On the upside though…you’re going to have a lot of free-time now – just like me. Let’s do lunch. You can cook something for me. I could really use a good meal – LOL.
Best Wishes,
Michael Richards
Seriously, though…some food would be appreciated. Really
.
From: CNN Head Puke
To: Anderson Copper
Re: Wtf
Look you little fa**ot, one more tweet like that and you’ll be cruising the rest stop for a new job,got it?
Your Boss
From: Jay Carney
To: Alec Baldwin
Re: Language
Alec, POTUS wished me to express his public disdain for the sentiments you posted on Twitter. Privately, he appreciates your most recent donation to OFA and the fact that you chose to rant while he was out of the country. For reasons you will understand, he will be unable to meet with you while vacationing on The Vineyard but anticipates you and your wife accepting the invitation to the Thanksgiving Dinner. On a personal note, POTUS expresses the sentiment we cool.
What’s in your wallet? Nothing Alec…I’m a middle class taxpayer!
From: David Geffen
To: Alec Baldwin
Re: 4th July Summer Party
Alec, I read your tweet and I don’t think Steve, Jeff and I can work with you for a while. Because of this I’m afraid I must rescind my invitation to my get-together out on the Island. Just too much heat, babe. Touch base with me in the winter and we might have a project for you working with Rosie O’Donnell and Martin Lawrence.
From: Paula Deen
To: Alec Baldwin
Re: Re: Language
I will call if you promise you will treat me like a “filthy little pig.”