burger king is really more of a figurehead. burger prime minister handles most of the day-to-day governing.

— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) August 27, 2014

After his family is brutally murdered by the mob, this former SEAL will stop at nothing to find a new family, one that loves him very much

— Horton (@crushingbort) August 27, 2014

What's the etiquette on co-worker hellos? If I say hi in the morning, is it OK to avoid eye contact later that day and for the rest of time?

— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) August 27, 2014

*Walks into friend's house* *Phone announces "Now arriving at Jennifer (the dumb one)'s house"* Haha, sorry! I know a lot of Jennifers.

— Elle (@ElleOhHell) August 27, 2014

A-little BAYbay! Hi I'm Dave Matthews Band here to talk to you about low birth weight.

— Tom (@Tom_Vom) August 27, 2014

Sometimes the most renegade thing you can do is play by the rules. *pulls money out from under Free Parking and replaces it in Monopoly box*

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 27, 2014

Murder tip: shoot a guy building a snowman then plant the gun on the snowman.

— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) August 28, 2014

Can't believe David Chase finally revealed Tony Soprano isn't a cat.

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) August 28, 2014