Fred Astaire Narration: At this point in our story, children, Obama Claus was getting disheartened. He only wanted to give free gifts to everybody, but that blasted Boehner Meister Meister Boehner kept standing in his way. That grumpy old buzzard just wanted everyone to be miserable like himself. Didn’t he understand that Obama Claus was just trying to help, and the gifts were free afterall? So Obama Claus trudged back toward the village of ACORN where the elves had raised him to get advice from Tanta Kringle, but on the way, he met his penguin Topper who told him the terrible news. A couple pretending to be pimp and a prostitute had been given refuge by the elves, and to repay this kindness, they had told terrible lies about the village.  This caused the Boehner Meister Meister Boehner to secretly send General Breitbart and his elite Tea Party Guard to destroy the village of ACORN. With nowhere to go, Obama Claus wandered despondently into the wilderness, and just when he was ready to give up on his dreams, he happened upon a land where people believed the most marvelous things like, well, let’s just let them tell it themselves shall we?

Town Person 1: Increasing the minimum wage doesn’t affect the cost of labor.

Town Person 2: He didn’t build that!

Town Person 3: People will work harder for the general good than for their own self interests.

Town Person 4: Politicians are pure and noble and never act out of self interest.

Town Person 5: Central planners are always more knowledgable and efficient than the invisible hand of the free market.

Obama Claus: Yes, yes. Can these wonderful ideas really be true? Oh, wait. I’ve got one. The Boehner Meister Meister Boehner is only opposed to me because of my race.

Mister Snow: Now you are getting the hang of it my boy.

Obama Claus: But what is this place, and who are you?

Mister Snow: Well, this is the Land of Misfit Ideas, where the faulty premises of liberal fantasy are given life and substance. And as for who I am, well……(starts singing)

I’m Mister White Christmas

I’m Mister Snow

I’m Mister nose tickle

I’m Mister have some blow

Friends call me Snow Miser

All the numbers I touch

Turn to s—t in my clutch

I’m too much!

[Chorus]

He’s too much!

Mister Snow: The name’s Gruber. Snow Gruber.

Obama Claus: Wow, that was amazing! Can you teach me how to snow the public like that?

Snow Gruber: Sure, my dear boy. Absolutely. Just try some of this very special snow and look at the numbers again.

Obama Claus (snorting): I can see it now. It all makes sense. The numbers work. The cost curves are bending down. We can spend less on healthcare and cover more people at the same time. They can keep their insurance and doctors if they want to. It’s not a huge stealth tax on the middle class. It can work. It can.

Snow Gruber: That’s right. Remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it. Now, you just have to get the people to believe it too.

Obama Claus: But how? How can I do that?

Snow Gruber: That’s easy my boy. You just do this…(starts singing again)

Put one lie in front of the other

And soon you’ll be walking ‘cross the floor

Put one lie in front of the other

And soon you’ll be walking out the door

You never will get where you’re going

If you don’t get with the lies and deceit

Come on, there’s a good tail wind blowing

A loose talking man is hard to beat

Put one lie in front of the other

And soon you’ll be walking ‘cross the floor

Put one lie in front of the other

And soon you’ll be walking out the door

If you want a change of direction

If you really want to do what we believe

Well don’t trust the rubes, use deception

A good way to start is to deceive

Put one lie in front of the other

And soon you’ll be walking ‘cross the floor

Put one lie in front of the other

And soon you’ll be walking out the door

Fred Astaire Narration: So armed with several kilos of the Snow Miser’s special snow, Obama Claus returned to the town, climbed the wall and let loose a blizzard of misinformation. He gave the people the free gift of health, but once the snow wore off, the ungrateful town folk were not happy.

Town Person 1: He said I could keep my doctor. Not only am I forbidden to see my doctor, my doctor ran away and set up practice in another village.

Town Person 2: This isn’t free. It’s costing me twice what it used to.

Town Person 3: I can’t even get an appointment for 4 months.

Town Person 4: I didn’t know end of life care meant THAT.

Town Person 5: Every time I log on to the website to sign up, it crashes, yet a dozen hackers have already stolen my identity from it.

Town Person 6: We must get the Boehner Meister Meister Boehner to do something about this.

Fred Astaire Narration: So the town folk grabbed their pitchforks, and a demonstration broke out. The leaders of the mob grabbed their mandate and marched into the palace of the Beohner Meister Meister Boehner, stomping in lock step right into his bedroom. The startled mound under the bedcovers convulsed and two heads poked out from under the sheets. Turns out Obama Claus and the Boehner Meister Meister Boehner had been in bed together for quite some time, and the people were well and truly double-snowed. And that, children, is what we call politics and usual.  And none of the town folk lived happily ever after.