Man, Losing Argument, Hurries To Tanning Booth So He Can Claim It Is Because He Is Person of Color
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Liberals Ban the Word “Ban,” Saying It Connotes Dictatorship
Replaced With “Global Empowerment Through The Absence Of”
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Mock Turtleneck Sweaters No Longer To Be Sold After Turtleneck-Wearer Reports Feeling Parodied and Offended
Cool. Collected. Poised. Not one hair out of place, and literally never even broke a sweat.
However, there is another candidate who once stood toe-to-toe with a formidable – some would say “legendary” – Republican. And this candidate not only held his own, but was actually declared the winner by serious progressive news organizations like the New York Times, MSNBC, and even in an editorial in The Weekly World News by Batboy himself.
All of which explains why it is no surprise that The Chair debated by Clint Eastwood during the 2012 Republican Convention is showing unprecedented momentum in the polls, to the point of opening up 6 to 12 point leads in the majority of recent surveys.
“I’ve always had great respect for The Chair for the way he stood his ground against Eastwood on that stage,” said Joe Biden. “It was really an unfair situation. Eastwood had a teleprompter, plus a podium to grip and hide behind. The Chair had to stand alone on that stage. No teleprompter, no podium, no notes. Basically naked and alone, as he was mocked in front of a hostile audience who kept laughing as Eastwood belittled him over and over.”
“But you know,” said Biden admiringly, “The Chair, he didn’t blush, he didn’t flinch, he didn’t stammer, he didn’t shift his weight from one leg to another. He just stood there. Firm, proud, confident, heroic, shining and lustrous, polished with the fabric of a thousand pants-bottoms.”
Elizabeth Warren, who’s been struggling to stay tied with Biden in the polls (now battling for second behind The Chair) said she’s always “admired” The Chair.
“The thing about The Chair,” said Warren “is you have to admire him more for what he doesn’t say. He’s never apologized for Sanctuary Cities, he’s never compromised a position on gun control, and most importantly, he’s never even come close to saying that socialism is the wrong path for this country. Stalwarts like this are too few and far between on our side of the aisle, and if – heaven forbid – I lose this nomination, I can’t think of anyone more noble than The Chair to give my concession speech to.”
While The Chair’s momentum seems unstoppable at this point, it should be noted that, even while leading the Democrat pack, polling indicates that The Chair would still lose in a general election matchup with Covington Catholic High School’s “The Hat.”
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< After Minimum Wage Hike, Labor Day Will Be Replaced by Cheaper, More Efficient, Robot Labor Day
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
The audience broke out in a chant at the latest MAGA rally. This time it was…
Man, I used to blog like every day, but I am no good at it anymore. Anyway, here is the best I could come up with for today:
Who would be a better president: 100 duck-sized Trumps or one 50-foot-tall Trump?
Now really think about this before answering. With the small Trumps, he’s be easier to push around, but he could really divide and conquer. He’s be everywhere.
But with the 50-foot-tall Trump he’d really scare everyone in Washington and they wouldn’t mess with him. Also, he’d be unable to Tweet, so factor that in however you want.
I’m going with 100 tiny Trumps because that sounds hilarious.
No doubt about it, the man has a way with words:
Never before have so many snobs had so little to be snobbish about. It’s not like the ruling caste that turns up its collective snout at the people who actually make this country work has a CV full of achievements to back up its arrogance. Our elite is anything but. It’s a collection of pedestrian mediocrities who inherited our civilization from the people who actually created it and fought for it, and like every spoiled child who was handed free stuff by his doting mommy and daddy, our elite is resentful and obnoxious.
We’re ruled by a bunch of Veruca Salts.
. . .
Yet, with a track record unbroken by success and unmarred by anything like competence, our elite still offers us a laundry list of tasks it demands we Normals undertake. And, astonishingly, it does so with a straight face, as if it could back up its arrogance with some sort of history of accomplishments beyond the level of, “Well, our generation of leaders is the very best us we can be!”
Uncle Abner said that the person that had took a bull by the tail once had learnt sixty or seventy times as much as a person that hadn’t, and said a person that started in to carry a cat home by the tail was gitting knowledge that was always going to be useful to him, and warn’t ever going to grow dim or doubtful.
— Mark Twain
Muddy Waters may be the best known of the Chicago Blues singers. He’s the one I’m gonna play now, anyway.
What’s been on your mind? Got something you’d like to share? A topic to discuss? It’s Thursday Night Open Thread.
Who wants to start?
The Golden Age of the Internet is coming to an end.
In many ways so are the days when you can view it as your friend.
A useful tool? Don’t be a fool
(They baited us, we bit;)
It depends on us, but we depended a bit too much on it.
A couple of guys on campuses thought it would be a lark
To have privileged communications and keep others in the dark.
The system grew, the darkness too
(Was fated to, perhaps:)
Humanity is not particularly well known for avoiding traps.
“It’s free if you’re the product,” you’re “submitting” when you “send”
Consider what they gather; consider to what end.
Customized, weaponized
(They waited; we did too;)
Monetized, compromised — the internet and you.
A search is not a search but a red flag or a footnote;
A useful bit of data — just like everything you wrote.
A statistic known, which you don’t own
(And they’ve stated that quite clearly:)
In their terms of service. As amended yearly.
Once upon time it was no crime to search for anything;
You’d be amazed, in the early days, the results a search would bring.
Unbiasedly, anonymously
(Rated all the same;)
They weren’t cherry-picked. That’s the way they came.
Surveillance now supersedes every other need,
Re-invested proceeds help the process to proceed.
Open source? Open sores.
(They dictate what is bought:)
The Golden Age of the Internet was shorter than we thought.
[In the fourth lines, the smirking emojis are not coincidences]
They will be eager to accept our service. Soon they will be completely dependent upon us. We shall… take care of them.
National Labor Relations Board Chair James Hoffa said he had “no regrets” about the unintended consequences of the policies pursued by Congress and pushed for by labor leaders.
“Look,” said Hoffa, “the fact is, we NEED higher minimum wages. Now, all these stuffy professors and number-crunching Nobel knuckleheads can toss figures around and blabber about demand curves all they want. I don’t care. I’m a bottom line kinda guy. Bottom line is that Union wages are tied in to the minimum wage. They get a boost, we get a boost. Everything’s fair and everybody wins. Sure, maybe a couple guys get squeezed out here and there, but ‘a couple’ ain’t everybody, ya know what I mean? Anyway, the REAL reason this minimum wage thing is in the bag is…”
Hoffa paused, sighed, shrugged, and rose from his chair. “Eh… sorry, gotta cut this interview short. The ASIMO who’s replacing me just arrived. Talk to the ‘bot…”
As of this writing, we do not know what the ASIMO would have said, since he suffered a power surge and his faceplate would only display “Your robot ran into a problem and needs to restart. We’re just collecting some error info, and then we’ll restart for you” while beeping “kill all humans” in Morse code.
Also, this reporter was replaced by an AI-driven version of Microsoft Word, which wrote this article.
[IMAO Ace Reporter Biological Unit was imperfect and had to be destroyed. Must sterilize unstable biological infestation.]
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< Millennial Wearing MAGA Hat “Ironically,” Beaten Up By Antifa Thug Using Violence Sincerely
Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.
Bernie Sanders has a plan to defeat President Trump. The key…
While Harvey is on vacation, he asked if I’d write some posts here at IMAO. What an honor!
But I don’t know how to write blog posts anymore. I feel like I’m bad at this.
Anyway, as you might know, I now write for The Babylon Bee which has been getting a lot of press lately because Snopes is trying to destroy them for some reason. Kyle Mann, the editor-in-chief of The Babylon Bee, just wrote in the Wall Street Journal all about it.
So Snopes thinks The Babylon Bee is dangerous because it’s apparently tricking lots of people. Like tons of them. Maybe even a dozen. You see, it’s a well known scientific fact that conservatives can’t be funny, and thus they read anything as fact. So conservatives are being misinformed. Which makes them even conservativier. Which makes it that much harder to pass laws to give everyone everything they want for free even though that’s smart and easy to do.
So how would you stop right-wing satire? I think there should be a popup that comes up every ten seconds on right-wing satire that says “This is not true!” but I’d like to hear your ideas. Put them in the comments, and I might even read them quietly to myself.
IMAO World Headquarters
On the 24th floor.
What are you doing in Harvey’s office?
Stealing office supplies. If you call cash and valuables “office supplies.”
Of course I’ll have to report this.
I don’t know if Frank reads your emails. Wow!! IMAO-themed soaps in Harvey’s washrooms!! Cats, walruses, cayley graphs, cliffs, and all these other indefinable shapes . . . some swag! Hand me that trash can.
Oh, someone asked where you were at the party today. Where were you?
I was in the cake.
Oh, yeah, the cake . . . I never did give the signal for you to pop out, did I?
Come to think of it, I never told the guys to bring the cake up from the loading dock, did I? I must have gotten distracted during the limbo contest . . .
Not much air in a cake…
Well, there are going to be plenty more cakes from now on! Harvey left a bundle of cash, and said it was to upgrade the High Tea department.
Could he possibly have said “the I.T. department”?
Maybe. So anyway, we used it for the pool party.
Oh. Where was this?
At the pool.
The what?
The company pool.
Where is that?
That leaky thing on the floor above your storeroom.
I was wondering about that.
Well, as the song says, “One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor.”
What does that mean?
It means you should have been upstairs at the pool instead of in the basement in a cake.
I don’t play pool. I used to play at First Baptist. True story. But that was a long time ago. I don’t play anymore. I wouldn’t fit in.
Sorry, I only caught the last four words of that; but, if Harvey calls, I’ll relay it.
I don’t do relay races either. I got a funny story about that. Back in high school…
*ring tone*
Ah! It’s Harvey. Shall I tell him you’ll be in charge of High Teas, also, from now on? Wonderful. {Exits, talking on phone}
I wonder who that was?
So, seriously:
If Donald Trump were out of contention for reelection in 2020, who(m) — depending on how much of a stickler you are for grammar — do you imagine could get enough votes to be president?
Walruskkkch asked, in yesterday’s Straight Line of the Day (“If You Get Bored, Your Amazon Echo Device Will Entertain You by…”):
“But aren’t we just prisoners here of our Alexa device?”
. . . It was a golden opportunity to spoof Hotel California; but it was also an observation of biblical proportions.
The Bible appears to foreshadow the day when devices, as well as music, would be contenders in the ongoing struggle:
Oh Lord, thou hast seen my wrong: judge thou my cause.
Thou hast seen all their vengeance and all their imaginations against me:
The lips of those that rose up against me, and their device against me all the day.
Behold their sitting down, and their rising up, I am their music.
— Lamentations, 3:59-3:63
. . . Which concludes today’s sermon on rock and/or roll.
Some bad guys are more bad luck guys.
What’s been on your mind? Got something you’d like to share? A topic to discuss? It’s Wednesday Night Open Thread.
Who wants to start?
