If I Were President: The State of the Union Speech
I don't want to criticize Bush's speech, as it was in HD, but I would have done things differently. Here would be my speech as president:
American people, I just want to tell you that the State of the Union is strong, yo. And why? Because I'm president, mo'fo's!
There were people how there who wanted to harm us. They dead! There are still more people out there who want to do us harm. They dead soon too! We're going to get those sons of bitches and cut their f__k'n heads off. And they ain't going to run around like chickens; no, they're just going to lie there and bleed... bleed where their head was!
Some people say all this violence has messed up our foreign policy... those people are jackasses! I say that we've taught all the countries out there the most important lesson: You don't f--k with America! People know now to stay away from us because we crazy; we mess them up. The American people are safe because the foreign people are dead!
We need things good at home too, yo. That's why I say we cut taxes. We cut them crazy! Some here in Congress don't want to cut taxes... then I cut you!
(pull out switchblade)
I do it, too! Everyone know that Paco is a man of his words. I say I cut you, then you be cut!
(put away switchblade)
We also reduce spending too. First way we do it is cut welfare in a program called, "Hey, Lazy, You Get Job Now!". Also, we reduce Social Security in a program called, "Hey, Old People, Stop Being So Old and Get Job Now!". I also say we cut spending for national parks because I never used them. F__k national parks; we need more condos.
Some may be against these spending cuts... I kill you!
(pull out .45)
That's right! I'm loco! I blow your f__k'n brains out! Then I pardon myself. There's nothing you can do, mo'fo's.
What? You think you can impeach me? Then I kill you all!
(pull out second .45)
You start impeachment hearing, I'll bust right into the Capitol and splatter you all over the walls! That's right! You my bitches; you do as I say!
That's my speech; now you give me standing ovation.
(fire at their feet until they all stand and clap)
That's right; you clap now... clap like the little monkeys you are.
(put away .45's)
I'm going now because I want a beer. Just one warning, though: if in the Democratic response they say bad things about me...
(pull out switchblade again)
I CUT THEM!!!
Thank you and God bless.
(exit room by jetpack while laughing maniacally)
Now there's a speech that would look great on HDTV.
Stumble It!