Hey, Mr. President, I know you're nervous about tonight's debate, but don't worry; Frank J. is here with advice. Here are tips on how to ensure a win:

* Be cordial to John Kerry. Give him a gift of pink ribbons at the beginning of the debate because I hear he likes to throw ribbons.

* Last time Kerry was orange; this time he may be purple. Ignore it; it's just to throw you off.

* As soon as you get to your podium, write "FOR IRAQ WAR" on one side of a piece of paper in big letters, and then "AGAINST IRAQ WAR" on the other side. Hold up the appropriate side during the debate to help the audience at home keep track of Kerry's current position.

* Instead of grimacing while Kerry is speaking, try making a French-looking face and imitate the haughty mannerisms of Kerry. If you're entertaining enough, no one will even listen to Kerry.

* Remember that you are the president of the United States, and thus demand respect from the people who ask you questions. If you think a question from one of the town hall participants isn't respectful enough, just knock him down and beat him as your response. Remember not to start off too strongly as you have two minutes to fill and you want to use up all your time and not get tired out.

* Don't let the topic stay on namby-pamby issues; remind the audience that there are over five billion foreigners out there - five billion people who are not Americans - and you need a strong leader to keep watch of them all.

* See if you can plant some troops for our coalition members in the audience. Then, if Kerry starts demeaning our allies, a big Aussie could walk up to him and say, "So, mate, you think we're coerced and bribed, do ya? Guess what? I'll kick ya in the down unders for free."

* Bring up the Oil for Food scandal and try to link it to Kerry by saying, "Ends up the whole time Saddam was bribing French-looking people like Senator Kerry - namely THE FRENCH!"

* To show that Kerry is just talk and you get results, have people walk into the debate and dump a pile of dead terrorists on the floor while you announce, "These are the terrorists we killed just today... and the day ain't over yet!" Then turn to Kerry and challenge, "How many terrorists have you killed, flip-waffler!"

* Keep bringing up Kerry's record of twenty years of voting for taxing soldiers who use needed weapon systems... or something like that.

* Also mention how he voted against the first Gulf War. Everyone liked that war.

* If Halliburton comes up, just ignore it. Halliburton has one of their killer attack robot programmed to break through the wall of the room and destroy whoever demeans them anyway.

* If the debate comes to blows, Kerry is now wise to your deadly tiger punch, so instead master the flying dragon kick to use against him.

* Most importantly: Have fun.

* Even more importantly: Trash that mo'fo'.