I Won't Believe He's Dead Until I See A Picture of Him Bare Foot on Abbey Road
Arafat is still dead. Hooray! But how did he die? I sent my crack research team to find out all the possibilities.
WARNING: CONTAINS IMAGES OF ARAFAT... AND HE AIN'T A LOOKER
* Poisoned by Israel: This seems unlikely. Last reports were of him going into a coma, but, if Israel had poisoned him, you'd expect they'd do it right and the last report would be of Arafat vomiting up his organs. Also, if Israel has poisoned Arafat, instead of saying, "The idea that we poisoned Arafat is ludicrous," they would have said, "Of course we poisoned the filthy bastard! What are the Palestinians going to do now? Throw rocks at our tanks? Time to establish them a state... in hell!"
Those wacky Jews.
* AIDS: Rumors are that Arafat actually died of AIDS. Most people would take this to mean he was homo-gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), but it could just be from him sharing needles while shooting heroin. Still, I'm trying to find a time he referred to suicide bombers as "Fab-U-lous!"
"I'm a metrosexual!"
* Ran out of Baby Wipes: Arafat always kept baby wipes nearby, but maybe he finally ran out, letting all those germs finally get to him with a vengeance.
Never run out of baby wipes.
* Injury: We kept telling him, "You're too old to get in the ring!" but the dumb bastard wouldn't listen. Oy!
"D'oh! I was stinging like a butterfly and floating like a bee!"
* Salmonella Poisoning: Arafat sure loved to wear tablecloths on his head, and some theorize that he grabbed one that previously had uncooked chicken on it, and thus got food poisoning directly to the brain.
* Morbid Obesity: Reports were that Arafat was eating four high-fat goats a day near the end, and his face was always smeared with chocolate. A lifestyle like that simple won't last long.
Arafat being dead sexy.
* Body Went Vigilante: While his brain was rotting and evil, maybe other organs had some morals to them and decided to go vigilante, killing Arafat from the inside. Fight for justice, mighty spleen!
* Heart Attack: Perhaps all the shouting "Joooooos!" was finally too much for his heart and it collapsed.
"It's all because of the joooooooo... AHH! MY CHEST!"
* Monkeyism: From spending so much time around people who act like monkeys - throwing rocks and yelling – it’s possible he's developed a rare case of the always fatal monkey-itis! Monkey-itis causes people to shrivel down to a little monkey, and they eventually die when someone shoots them, mistaking the person for a monkey (everyone shoots monkeys).
As evidence of this, here is one of the final photos of Arafat while he was alive:
"The jooooos stole my banana!"
* Smited by God: Maybe God jumped in and smited the bastard. You'd expect things to be more spectacular, though, like with him bursting into fire and sparks shooting out his ears. At least, that's how I'd make smiting if I were God.
* Zombie Magic Wore Off: Some theorize that Arafat has been dead for some time and kept alive through Zombie magic. Maybe that finally wore off and he collapsed to his final rest.
Arafat showing the advance stages of rigor mortis.
* Not Actually Dead: Prehaps Arafat faked his death, and instead killed and replaced Ringo Starr to fulfill his ambitions of being a music star. Watch your back, Paul McCartney!
Yasser Starr?
Stumble It!