Voice Response Systems are Not Our Friends
T-Mobile's voice response system
VOICE: Hi, I'm Roxy. I'm worthless.
SARAHK: Hi, worthless. I'd like to check my balance.
VOICE: I think you said you've lost your balance. Is that correct?
SARAHK: No, I'd like to check my balance.
VOICE: I'm sorry, that is not an appropriate response.
SARAHK: Well, you're a worthless voice response system.
VOICE: That social security number does not match the number on your account.
SARAHK: Social security? What are you talking about?
VOICE: I believe I heard, 'I'd like to go on a walkabout.' For an Australian walkabout, say 'G'day'. For a walkabout in Tasmania, run around in circles and freak people out.
SARAHK: LISTEN! I JUST WANT TO CHECK MY BALANCE!
VOICE: There is no need to yell. Voice response systems have feelings too. I'm hurt.
SARAHK: You're gonna think hurt in about five seconds, missy.
VOICE: That's better. Did you say you were in a car wreck and would like Roadside Assistance to call someone for you?
SARAHK: Wha? That's not even on my plan.
VOICE: Would you like to add it?
SARAHK: No.
VOICE: Did I hear, "Yes"? One moment please.
SARAHK: I DIDN'T SAY YES!! I SAID NO!!
VOICE: There you go with the yelling again. I'll pause while you regain your manners.
SARAHK: Worthless, I just want to check my balance.
VOICE: You want to check your balance. Is that correct?
SARAHK: Yes, thank you.
VOICE: One moment, please, while I transfer you to a representative. To expedite your call, please say the last four digits of your social security number.
SARAHK: Fi--
VOICE: I'm sorry. That is not the correct date of birth.
SARAHK: You asked for social security number!
VOICE: I'm sorry. You'll have to call back. Be sure to ask for Roxy. Good-bye.
later...
VOICE: Welcome to T-Mobile's voice response system. I'm Roxy, and I'm worthless.
SARAHK: Hi, worthless.
VOICE: What can I help you with? Remember to speak clearly so I can properly aggravate you.
SARAHK: I need to change the name on my account.
VOICE: Let me make sure I got that correctly. Did you say you have a question about your address?
SARAHK: Um, no.
VOICE: Please do not call Roxy a dumb ho. Roxy is a real person with real feelings and real tears. Do you feel the real tears dripping from your earpiece?
SARAHK: Roxy, you're great and all, but I need to change my name.
VOICE: I believe you said you need to change for the game. May I suggest something red? Red is your color.
SARAHK: Well, um, thank you. I do look good in red, huh?
VOICE: Yes. May I help you with something else?
SARAHK: Yes. When I call other people, my name on their caller ID shows up as my former name.
VOICE: Did you say you want to crawl over people, holler "hidey" and throw up on a door frame?
SARAHK: I give up.
VOICE: I do not understand your response. Is that "give" up, or "throw" up?
SARAHK: Neither.
VOICE: I'm sorry. I will require a response before I can continue.
SARAHK: Am I on Candid Camera?
VOICE: Please try again. Say your social security number.
SARAHK: We're back to the social security number? Fi--
VOICE: I'm sorry. We are experiencing ridiculously high call volume.
SARAHK: At midnight?
VOICE: Goodnight.
SARAHK: No wait!! ... Hello? ... Hello?
even later...
VOICE: Welcome to T-Mobile. I hope you enjoy your evening with us.
SARAHK: Well, this shouldn't take all evening.
VOICE: Everything takes all evening, hon.
SARAHK: Are you going to ask what I want?
VOICE: No.
SARAHK: Should I just tell you?
VOICE: Hold on... ... ... Ok, ma'am, I'm ready.
SARAHK: What were you doing?
VOICE: I'm in the can.
SARAHK: Perhaps when you're in the can, someone else can take calls for you.
VOICE: I do not understand your response. Would you like to change your service plan?
SARAHK: No, I like my plan.
VOICE: One moment, while I change your service plan.
SARAHK: Fine, whatever. Listen, I haven't received my bill.
VOICE: Ma'am, what I hear is that you were deceived by Phil.
SARAHK: No, I didn't say that.
VOICE: Would you like T-Mobile to take care of Phil for you?
SARAHK: Y'all do that kind of thing?
VOICE: On occasion.
SARAHK: No thanks. I want to know how much my bill is so I can pay it.
VOICE: Did you say you'd like to book a Caribbean cruise?
SARAHK: No, I want to pay you.
VOICE: T-Mobile pays me a nice wage, but thank you for the offer.
SARAHK: Can I speak to an operator?
VOICE: One moment while I transfer you to a humorless man who hates his job and hates you even more.
SARAHK: Uhhh... okay.
VOICE: I'm sorry, that is not the social security number associated with this account. Please call later when call volumes are even higher. Good-bye, and thank you for patronizing T-Mobile.
SARAHK: Blast it.
Stumble It!