Everyone's trying to tell Frank & Sarah how they should get married. Which is a complete waste of time, because - as the groom - Frank's job is to stand where he's told, and SarahK is all strong-headed, so she's just gonna do whatever she wants, anyway. Sure, she'll make little noises about "Frank, do you like this china pattern?", but if Frank's smart, he'll just nod & say "Yes, Dear" (handy phrase, that - it'll save your marriage) instead of giving into temptation and quipping, "Too much blue. It won't stand out against the sky when I'm really drunk one day and using it for skeet."

So I'm going to give wedding advice (in the extended entry) to everyone else contemplating marriage, instead. And you damn well better follow it, because I'm a married man & I've got street cred, yo.

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For the wedding site, try to find a church near the strip club where the bachelor party will be held so that when the groom wakes up in the parking lot the next morning, he can just stagger on over & not have to worry about being late.

Try to find a classy joint to hold the reception in. A good rule of thumb is shoot for an average of less than three dead flies per windowsill.

Remember this, Mr. Groom: you just spent 3 years salary on her engagement ring and wedding band. Make sure she's completely finished using those before buying her any more jewelry.

Pay the money for a good professional photographer, and skip the video tape. Why? Because if you get the video tape, eventually you'll put it in the wrong box and you'll end up showing Aunt Martha the "special honeymoon video" by mistake, and her heart attack will be forever on your conscience.

Again. Married man. Street cred, yo.

Uncle Joe never has forgiven me for that little incident.

However, he DOES borrow the video now & again.

The purpose of bridesmaid's dresses is to be ugly enough to ensure that the bride is the prettiest woman at the ceremony. If you're marrying anyone else besides SarahK, make the dresses out of old tablecloths, just to be sure.

The groom should NOT see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony, because that's bad luck, as is getting caught boinking the Maid of Honor in the broom closet.

Save money on catering expenses by holding your reception at a homeless shelter. YAY! Free soup!

And fewer fleas than at Frank J's place.

Don't waste money on a band or DJ. All you need in order to dance is a beat. A dripping faucet works just fine.

At the reception, the guests will start tapping rapidly on their glassware to get the happy couple to kiss each other. Do NOT try to dance to this.

Some people suggest throwing bread crumbs at the newly married couple instead of rice, because when birds eat rice, they experience intestinal distress. Of course, that's NOTHING compared to what happens when you feed them Alka-Seltzer, which is cheaper and MUCH more amusing, so use that instead.

Don't waste the money mailing out wedding invitations to everyone when Gmail invites are plentiful and free.

The bride should pay special attention to her hairstyle and make-up on her wedding day. Yes, it's a HUGE bother, but there's plenty of time to be ugly AFTER he says "I do".

Before the wedding, the bride-to-be's girlfriends will come to her home for a bridal shower, give her presents, and gossip all night. The groom-to-be should spend that evening in a bar, drinking heavily and bitterly regretting ever asking that woman to marry him, i.e. practice being married.

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If you take all of my advice, I guarantee you won't ever be getting married again.

Of course, if you'd rather stay married the first time, take ArmyWifeToddlerMom's advice instead:

"...just give each other a soft place to fall."