Selecting the new pope is an important process, so important I wrote a haiku about it:

Time for a new pope.
Cardinals all together.
I like jelly beans.

Now for precise pope picking, it's best to wait for influence from the Holy Spirit. That may take too long, though, so I bet many cardinals are turning to IMAO for advice, and I won't disappoint.

FRANK TIPS FOR PICKING THE POPE

* The pope should be as much like Jesus as possible. That means picking someone who is Jewish.

* Make sure whomever you select isn't actually a bear in disguise because then he may maul someone and be an embarrassment for the Catholic Church.

* Usually you want to select one of the cardinals to be pope, but, if things are taking too long, just open a window and shout, "Hey, kid; you wanna be the pope?"

* Though usually this is restricted to nuns, it would be cool if the new pope could fly. Then he could dive bomb heathens.

* The pope should probably know the scripture... or at least scanned the parts highlighted in red.

* The pope should be well versed in ninjitsu in case Satan's minions attack in the form of ninjas. The pope staff could be a great weapon in the right hands.

* You may think you found the right person to be pope, but try to imagine him in a big pointy hat and make sure it’s flattering before finalizing your vote.

* Whoever is chosen should be well-versed in pop-culture so he can condemn it more vigorously.

* While who can juggle the most vials of holy water at the same time shouldn't be the sole criteria for selecting the pope, it should be considered.

* Remember that it's now the norm for the pope to do lots of travel, so make sure who you pick is signed up for frequent flyer miles.

* While it's tempting to vote for a cardinal who has a cool, tricked-out car, remember that the pope gets the pope-mobile anyway. Then again, if that cardinal was elected pope, I guess he wouldn't need his cool, tricked-out car anymore…

* Make sure who you select will continue the conservative norms of the church. Don't elect Skeeter pope despite all his crazy-cool ideas.

* Let's say the minions of hell attack the Vatican in masse. Can you imagine who you are voting for leading the charge against them with holy shotgun in hand?

* Make sure to make some progress on voting each day and not just spend the entire time locked up playing X-Box.

* In the end, selection of the pope is just a popularity contest. Make sure to vote for the same guy everyone else is so the other cardinals will think you are cool.

* If needed, pray to God for a sign to help in selecting the pope. Make sure to ask for a definitive sign like an angel appearing - not just lightning or a dove. It's pope selecting time, God, so let's not be lazy on the miracles.

* If all else fails in selecting a new pope, there is always the ancient tradition of the disco dance competition.

Now get pope picking!