Man, I haven't written anything funny today. I guess I would have something if I had been following the news... but I ain't been following the news. So I'm just here panicking going, "I gotta write something funny!"

To which I reply, Then write something funny.

"But I can't think of anything!"

So just write something about Chomps biting someone or Buck killing foreigners; that's always enough to placate the rubes.

"No, I want something brilliant and funny, or otherwise my readers will go read some other blog... and I hate it when people read other blogs!"

Well, I'm not bailing you out of this one, bucko. You make your own humor. Do a top ten list or something. Those are easy.

"About what?"

Check what's on the frontpage of CNN.com for an idea.

"'U.S. copter came under fire before crash'... I don't think there's anything funny about that."

"Top Ten Things Not to Do While in a Copter Under Fire" Number 10: Play "Guess Who" with the pilot.

"That's just sick."

You asked for my help...

"And you just scared all the funny out of me."

Hey, I got a fun idea: Let's see how many racial slurs we can name!

"Go away."

That's your problem, bucko; you're scared of living on the edge. Now, if you let me free to write on IMAO, there'd be so much controversy that...

"No way. I don't want that trouble."

Fine. Can we at least get some coffee?

"Yeah, sure."