How not to sign an online gift registry card:

This has been another crappy wedding present from your friend, Laurence Simon... NOW GO TO BED (BATH AND BEYOND)!

I plan on receiving my thank-you beating in person in December, unless I go to another game in the Crawford Boxes at Minutemaid Park before the season ends. Might as well give Disastros relief pitcher Chad Qualls another chance to have a homerun launched off of him heading straight for my groin.

Or, from the IM conversation last night:

ME: Hit by ball.
CHUCK: Ouch. Where?
ME: In the Crawford Boxes. RIMSHOT.

And, no, the fateful event did not appear on the mlb.com archived video. I think it was too grisly for even them to show.

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