Gerald Boyd, the man who helped advance anti-American liberalism and diversity-for-its-own-sake-at-any-cost at the New York Times, died yesterday at the age of 56.

I just received an email from Jayson Blair, former employee and student of Gerald Boyd at the New York Times, and he lists the following items as Gerald Boyd's Top Ten Accomplishments At The New York Times:

10. First African-American on the moon, established first Lunar News Bureau.

9. Spoke twelve languages fluently, including Klingon.

8. It was Gerald Boyd's trident that Bill Brassky used to stab Wolfman Jack.

7. Personally kissed every newspaper in the upper-right corner as a symbol of his blessing.

6. Repelled the Martian Invasion of 2002 with nothing more than a 9-Volt battery, some Wrigley's gum and a pair of paperclips.

5. Spiked the story of the Martian Invasion of 2002 because he didn't believe in reporters becoming the story and it would have made the Bush Administration and the military look incapable of protecting the country against foreign threats.

4. Won the Pulitzer Prize with nothing more than a stream of commands, periods, exclamation points, and semicolons because of the strength of his moral standing.

3. Secretly negotiated the peace between Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Roddy Piper for lasting peace in the WWE - something that eluded Jimmy Carter and all presidents since.

2. Formulated a cancer-curing ink for newsprint editions. Sadly, his research on cancer-curing animated GIF patterns for the online edition never came to fruition despite some heartening tests on mice and earthworms.

1. Partnered with Uri Geller to develop method of remote-viewing of news events to eliminate the need for correspondents to travel to the location, interview witnesses, or fact-check eyewitness claims against reliable sources and records.

No. Really. It's really from Jayson Blair.

Would I lie to you?