It has come to my attention that many IMAO readers will be celebrating Valentine's Day alone. This is not something to mock. It's never nice to mock losers.

So let me offer my advice.

Are you trying to woo a certain someone?

Are you having relationship problems?

I have answers. I've been happily married for 9 years. Of course, that involves 11 different wives, but 9 years is 9 years. So - HAH!!!

I'm sure you have questions.

Q: Is this one of those Ask Dr. Duck segments where you sit back and watch people fall over themselves to ask questions and then you ignore them?
A: Normally, yes. But it's Valentines Day and you've had enough time being ignored.

Q: Are you sure?
A: (Dr. Duck ignores this stupid question)

Q: But I'm happily involved in a relationship. I don't really have any questions.
A: Technically speaking, that wasn't a question.

Q: Sigh. Should I post a question even if I'm happily involvedi n a relationship?
A:. Yes! Because relationships could end at any moment. It could be ending right now!! Even as we speak, your boyfriend or girlfriend could be holding a press conference declaring themselves to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.

Q: I don't know if I should post a question. You really don't give very good advice.
A: Look behind you, your significant other is giving a press conference right now! (Made you look.)

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Answers will be posted later today!

BTW, in case my wife is reading this, I've been married 9 years to one lovely woman. Stop honey, don't go to that press conference!!!