Ok, sorry to not do last week's results show, busy being a housewife and actually keeping things clean around here, blah blah blah... I promise the wait will be almost worth it, because I'm going to hit some highlights right here.

So. much. to snark in that elimination episode. It's like the entertainment gods looked at me and said, "SarahK, you had a rough week. This one is for you." I did. It was rough, and I kinda took some time off from blogging and did the bare minimum and relaxed my head.

Nearly died, reevaluated things a little... Plus I got a new anticonvulsant. I didn't like how dumb the Topamax made me, plus the constant nosebleeds and complete numbness of hands when it gets cold were inconvenient. The new drug makes me go to sleep, and since last Thursday I've been napping nonstop. I need a good simile there but can't find one. I must be slipping. Anyway.

Ok, so Kellie Pickler. Wow.

KP: Yeah, Ryan, I've bought stuff with my new American Idol money. Shoes. Just shoes and sushi.
RYAN [staring right at Kellie's giant Dollys]: Just shoes? Nothing else?
SARAHK: And a big giant rack to store those shoes on.

And the hair and eye makeup. Next she was going to audition for understudy in the Best Little Whorehouse in North Carolina. Or greeter at Dollywood.

And yeah, they put real live wolf spiders in that sushi. Eat up. Fu-haaaaaaaake.

She was classic fake Kellie. Except not as tone-deaf as usual, which was a little disappointing. And I didn't like that she sang the song that she co-wrote for her runaway mom, because even I have a heart about that and can't make fun. Plus, the song has about three notes, which is even hard for that virtuoso to screw up. Especially when she was singing it at the volume of a spider's whisper.

Then there were the eliminations and the boo-hooers. Are you kidding me? Every time the camera flashed away from Sundance, he pulled the glycerin drops out of his pocket and applied the drops. It was so funny to watch him and that awful spanish moss that hangs from his chin (dude, it's called pesticide, look into it), because when the camera panned to him, he blinked really hard to make sure every drop of real live salty tears squeezed out of his eyes.

Then Gina Glocksen. When Leslie Hunt got eliminated, you could hear Gina wailing from the bench. And I know why, and I don't blame her. I know everyone keeps calling Leslie the psycho girlfriend or something because of that wide-eyed stare, but Leslie is probably the closest to normal girl there was in the competition. And when Leslie got kicked off, Gina was thinking that now she's stuck with that Armpits and Hi-Fives Haley Scarnato and Antonella who thinks she's Jennifer Hudson with a Paris Hilton twist. I might have wailed, too, knowing who's left. Leslie seemed relatively normal. Especially when she sang her last song and ended it with, "Why did I scat? America don't like jazz!" That was fantastic, and I wanted her back. I want her for my next door neighbor, actually. She's way too young to live in our neighborhood, though. But dear Gina. Get ahold of yourself. If you love her that much, exchange digits. Keep in touch. K-I-T.

Nick Pedro. No surprise there, he was so boring last week. But AJ Tabaldo? Even I was on board with his performance and took back all the fun-making from the previous week, and when he went home, and Brandon and that awful giant white tennisshoes wearing Carlton Jared with the argyle sweaters and the "Let's Get it On" to his Grandma dedication got to stay, I was so disappointed.

The girls. Leslie, not really a surprise. Not a good song choice, and she didn't have one of the stronger voices. Should have been Queen of the Armpits. Also Alaina went home. Ticktock, no shock. Oh, but she could not get through her song, because she is just going to miss her new bffs sooo much. So she gave it up. Sang about three seconds of the song and then practically threw down the microphone so she could hug everyone. Say, sweetie, you know you'll get to see them after the show, right? I mean, for about five minutes until you have to clear out your hotel room and they have to pick out their songs for next week. But show some decorum.

I think that covers it. Now onto tonight.

UPDATE: I'm watching it again. It was that good. This is the 3rd or 4th watch for me. I'd forgotten that on "Joy to the World", the group song, they had AJ sing the line, "You know I love the ladies..." I cracked up. I will not elaborate on why, because I'm really sad he left the show, I think he would have worked for it, and he left earlier than he should have. Oh, he was classy when Ryan told him he was leaving, too. AJ asked if he was shocked that he was leaving and not Sanjaya. AJ said something like, "No, I think he's great." That was cute at the end of his song when he said, "Call me." Yes, Broadway. Call him, he'll be great there. I'm not kidding. He's perfect for Broadway. And Chris Richardson still forgot to use the microphone during the group sing. He did better tonight in the top 8, though. I've decided I don't like Jordin Sparks. She's always grinning like someone just gave her a brand-new puppy, no matter what. Oh yes. Alaina, when she got the ax. When Ryan read back Simon's comment that she "ran out of steam", Alaina leveled her eyes on Simon and said, "Clever." Like he had tried to come up with the most witty quip and failed. No, sweetie, he just said what you did, and no need to be clever. I loved when she accidentally cut the mic cord, and all the sound went out. You couldn't hear a word of Paula's Wisdom for Life. I guess we'll never know. *sniff*

Simon is wearing charcoal yet again. And Ryan says that on Thursday they will announce one of the most important events in Idol history. Wooooo. Maybe they're announcing that Paula will, for the first time ever, do a show sober. And Simon will wear pale blue. Ryan will do unscripted banter, and Randy will refrain from namedropping for a whole show. It's a HUGE Idol event. Don't miss the big announcement. Hopefully bigger than the Idol "challenge".

And this week, the contestants are supposed to tell something revealing about themselves. In other words, let's all say it together, it's no fair for Antonella to have the upper hand. She's getting all the limelight, and she's one of the worst singers left (please let her leave with miss Armpits and Hi-Fives this week). Oh dear. Sanjaya ironed his hair tonight. I can't take it. If "Mark Johnson" and "Mary Smith" from the Indian call centers across "America" keep this kid around for the top twelve, I might die of exhaustion. He's so boring to watch that I'm physically tired by the end of every one of his performances. I keep physically willing him from my couch to do something. ANYTHING. No. He just stands there and sways awkwardly with his My Little Pony hair and Nicole Ritchie body inside his oversized clothes. Someone get the kid some jeans that fit. I'll buy them. I will. Well, I'll take up a collection, because I can't be the only one who wants him to not wear balloons on his legs.

Ok, fine. To the performances.

01... Blake Lewis wants you to know that he is completely retarded. He likes to put on masks and play-act like he's Kellie Pickler and do improv, and that's just weird, y'all. He sings a 311 song called "All Mixed Up" that I don't know. I don't particularly like this kind of music, but I find myself smiling most of the time anyway. That's a definite plus for this kid. I also like that he replaced the curse words with beatbox effects or other vocal effects or whatever it is he does. I mean, it's mandatory on AI, I'm sure, but he seemed comfy doing that. RANDY: That's hot. I'm not going to pretend to know the song today like I normally do. That's hot dawg. PAULA: I don't know the song either, yay! You're cool. SIMON: I didn't understand a word, but you'll be here next week. SARAHK: I like you, Kellie Pickler impersonation notwithstanding. You're through to the top 12.

Ryan asks Sundance about all the wah-hahing on the results show and says that Simon says it's artificial. Sundance says no way, I didn't even know the cameras were on me, I promise! I totally would have hidden my tears and my glycerin fo' sho'! And he blames Chris Richardson. What, was he holding onions up under your face? Lame. Simon is hard-rolling his eyes.

WH... Sanjaya Malakar is next, and I am officially withholding his number now. He is sucking the life right out of me, through my DVR, peeps! How can a 17 year-old boy do that? By being teh suck week in and week out, that's how. It's not his voice, that's fine. Dull dull dull. Sanjaya thinks you would be surprised to learn that he can hula. No, Sanjaya, not that surprised. Also not surprised that those rockin' red azaleas behind you (are they azaleas? because wow, those are the most beautiful azaleas I've ever seen) are far more exciting than your hulaing self. UPDATE: Bougainvillea. Awesome bougainvillea. We have it here in Florida, but it's usually purple. You can't even hula with oomph. Snore. Sanjaya is singing that dreadfully dull John Mayer song (I heart John Mayer, but this is about his dullest song), "Waiting on the World to Change", which is one of the stupidest songs I've ever heard. Yes, let's just wait, ok? Don't do anything at all, mkay? Sit on your bright shiny butt. The song says something about wanting to bring everyone home from war and get the ribbons off the doors and get rid of the terrorists with sunshine and puppies. Let's do! Let's just wait and see what happens. These songs are so stupid. That's the problem with the kids. Don't vote either, will you? Please. Anyway, he actually tries to stretch his voice for a note or two, so I applaud that, but it's still a snoozer. Please go. And give Gina Glocksen her hair back. RANDY: Better than last week, but that doesn't say much. You haven't returned to form from when we first saw you, and that wasn't even that great. PAULA: Yibbidy do wah debado lalala. Keep learning from the older guys. Keep raising your game. I'm trying not to be rude. SIMON: The hula hoops and Paula hairstyle don't do anything for me. It wasn't as ghastly as last week. SARAHK: Go. Please. Out. RYAN: Either Paula or Sanjaya has hair extensions, and I don't know which. SARAHK: Go.

03... Sundance says we'd be surprised to know he's skinny. I'd be surprised to know that's not an Ent on your face. Nice to see you did learn about the beard trimmer kits, though. America appreciates your kindness. Sundance is singing "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam. His voice is kind of shaking in the beginning of the song. The middle he hits his stride, and the end is fine. I've never been able to understand this song, so I go look at the lyrics, and ??? I have to rewind and see if he cleaned up that lyric. Oh ok, he did. Anyway, I thought it was fine, not too bad. Not that great. RANDY: Pitchy in spots, but yay for southern rocking on a Pearl Jam joint. Oh. Randy called it a "joint". EYE ROLL FROM SARAHK. PAULA: Midway through, you pulled it out. Sundance applauds her assessment. No joke. SIMON: Generic bar singer, indulgent choice of song, sounded like you were shouting the whole song. SARAHK: What's with trying to pull off Blake's hairstyle? You can't. It was fine, but I don't appreciate what word I saw when I looked up the lyrics to your dumb song. Seacrest does a Larry King impersonation when Simon tells him he's not Larry King.

Oh, I forgot to say that one reason Blake makes me smile is he kind of reminds me, in his mannerisms, of Jason Mraz. The way he is on stage. Even though I've not seen Mraz on stage more than maybe once. But I've listened to so many of Mraz's live performances, and I can see/hear Blake Lewis sitting down with a mic, maybe a guitar, and a Toca next to him.

Wow, Travis Tritt is about half the size he used to be, right?

04... Chris Richardson used to be forty pounds heavier and played football in college. He's singing Keith Urban's "Cry". It's pretty bad at the beginning, a lot of pitch problems. He gets a lot better when he stands up. This seemed awful short to me, like he was only singing for thirty seconds. Something that bugs me to no end about this song? "There's pictures of you and I on the wall." I don't mind the "There's pictures..." -- poetic license and whatnot. But there is no reason that Keith couldn't have said "There's pictures of you and me on the wall." That drives me nuts. Rarr. Anyway, he did not blow me away at all tonight, but I still smiled and all that. It was an "eh" for me, safe and all that. But good enough to get him into the top twelve. RANDY: Yay! You're in it to win it! Full blast! PAULA: Nice! SIMON: Not jumping out of my chair, cutesy, your voice was nasally. Timid, safe, but you sold it. Anyone else, that might be a problem. SARAHK: Eh. But you'll be fine. I like you. RYAN: How'd you lose the weight? SIMON: Leave the poor boy alone and stick to the singing. RYAN: Let the old men judge, let the young men interview.

Oh yay! Jared is going to sing Stevie just for me! Y'all know how I loves me some Stevie Wonder on American Idol.

WH... Jared Cotter's number is withheld for sure. Jared thinks we might be surprised that he played division 2 basketball. Yes, eight-foot tall black guy with giant white tennisshoes? I'm in shock. You know, after all the ruining of Stevie that American Idol contestants have done, I might not like Stevie Wonder himself anymore. Oh, I can't bear all the hamming Carlton does to the cameras. To the wrong cameras. Y'all notice that? He's always looking at the wrong camera. And then right before he turns away to the next camera, the camera that he's making passionate love to finally catches up with him. I want to vomit and take ten showers after he and his giant shoes take the stage. I didn't even bother to listen to what song he was singing. As soon as I hear "Stevie", I'm out. I just know it was nasally and screechy for me, dawg. And he bolts around the stage like he's playing basketball. Dribbling one end to the other and back. Long strides. Stomping. Ick. RANDY: I'm gonna say "joint" again, because that's my word of the night! Stevie "joint"! Randy must be craving a joint or trying to hint that Paula smoked one or something. Yo, it was good! PAULA: This is just my opinion... SARAHK: I thought that was your job... PAULA: Energy is one thing, singing on key is great, but blah blah blah. SIMON: Not very original. But you're popular. I'm slightly disappointed overall tonight. That was not the wow factor. RYAN: Do you think he belongs in the top 12, Paula? Randy? PRANDY: Yeah, sure. SARAHK: Come on, ask Simon! I say no! Go home with your smarmy shoes!

06... Brandon's reveal is that he plays classical piano, and that is the first of the surprises this evening that actually surprises me. And this draws me in and makes me like him better. And he's singing "I Just Want to Celebrate" by Rare Earth. I actually thought this was pretty good. RANDY: It was good. You messed up the end. SARAHK: I didn't think he messed up the end. I rewound. Didn't hear the messed-up run that you're talking about. PAULA: Phenomenal. SIMON: You didn't represent yourself well. Not a memorable song, not enough melody. SARAHK: One of your better performances of late, actually. I dug it, ok? I'm not ashamed of that. So y'all shut up.

WH... Phil Stacey, whose wife is far more devoted to him than he deserves, is trying to tell everyone that he's bald because he chooses to be. But seeing pictures of him with long hair, I have to say there is no good choice here. I will say that this song choice is horrible for him. This is awful for his low range, too high for even his falsetto, because when he goes up to his falsetto he's struggling even with that. He's singing Leann Rimes's "I Need You". When I heard he was singing a Leann Rimes song, I thought this would be good, because typically on AI when the singers sing a song of the opposite sex, they can't be compared to the original and they have a much better chance. But this was just a trainwreck. Horrible. Nothing about it was good. And the hat. But he can't go hatless, either. That is not advisable. What is advisable is a different hat. RANDY: Interesting song choice. Name drop! Your voice reminds me of this guy I used to be in a band with, Steve Perry from Journey (just in case anyone doesn't know which band Steve Perry would be in). SARAHK: That's an offensive comparison. RANDY: It was a'ight. PAULA: Your low range is really bad. Song choice bad. SIMON: I didn't get it. Hat, big eyes, I didn't get it. The whole thing was odd. Strange choice of song. Disappointing night. Not good enough, sorry. RYAN: Do you think it was the right song choice? PHIL: Obviously not. All three of them agree. RYAN: If you make it, will you squint next week? SARAHK: You were so awful I might get my wish.

Thursday night, Carrie Underwood will perform. Awesome. I heart her.

08... Chris Sligh used to have a shaved head. Now he has the lush curls. You know, he's quieted his humor ever since that whole Teletubbies thing. I wish he would bring it back. Yes, he's a great singer, but we like the whole package. He shouldn't be timid. I'm not saying take potshots at Simon, but even in these little clips he can go back to his regularly scheduled funny. Anyway, he's singing "Wanna Be Loved" by DC Talk. I once knew a radio DJ who stole his DJing name from one of the DC Talk band members, if I'm not mistaken. They're a Christian rock group, I think. I'm enjoying this. Easily the best performance of the night, but that doesn't say much, because this has been another stinker from the guys. What is with them? Yes, the whole song is good, he's great. RANDY: Best vocal of the night. PAULA: Oh boy. Not my favorite performance. Rise above. Stretch more, take some risks. CHRIS: I'm trying to build and get better each week. SIMON: Beginning was good, you shouted in the middle. But you've definitely done enough to get through to the top 12. SARAHK: He would have to have drunk Paula's entire vodka stash and crawled out onstage, whispered the entire song, then thrown up at the end to not make it to the top 12 with how lousy the guys were tonight. CHRIS: I like the sentiment of the song, I feel like it's something America could identify with. SARAHK: He listens to me. I say don't tick off us red staters with unpatriotic crap like the Dixie Chicks, because we vote like mad, so he comes back with something he thinks us nutters will identify with. CHRIS: I apologize for not picking the right song, blah blah blah. SARAHK: Stop with the apologizing. You're starting to annoy with the nice guy bit. Simon is looking put out, because he thinks you're patronizing him. You're not, but you apologize too much, so it's starting to feel like you're patronizing. Stop it.

So the order:

08 Chris Sligh*
06 Brandon Rogers*
04 Chris Richardson*
01 Blake Lewis*
03 Sundance Head
WH Jared Cotter
WH Sanjaya Malakar
WH Phil Stacey

Phil was awful. Jared was screechy and made horrible vomitous faces. Sanjaya was a dud yet again, and maybe America can see through that finally. Brandon made major improvements tonight. Safe: Chris, Chris, Sundance, Blake. For consistently awful and/or boring performances, Sanjaya and Jared deserve to go. But Phil really tanked tonight, so I think Sanjaya might eek into the top 12 past an early (though not much early) exiting Phil. I predict Jared can't survive his ginormous feet for another week. Phil and Jared go.