Edwards to Plug Gaping, Gas Emitting Hole with Huge Cork
SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico: Presidential candidate John Edwards, taking a page out of recent Oscar winner and Nobel Peace Prize finalist Al Gore's playbook, announced a bold new environmental initiative Saturday. "I'm announcing today," proclaimed an exuberant Edwards, "an initiative that will dramatically curtail the global warming crisis that affects each and every one of us."
"Some of the worst polluters of our age are volcanoes," stated Edwards, "which emit millions of tons of CO2 into the atmosphere each year without any regard for the impact such emissions have on the environment." "Today I call on the nations of the world to put an end to these Hephaestian terrors, by permanently plugging them with gigantic corks manufactured with Fair Trade, Third World labor."
"As an act of good faith, I have dedicated a small portion of my ambulance-chasing fortune to purchasing the Soufriere Hills volcano on the Caribbean island of Montserrat." "I call on the U.N. Security Council to allocate funding to plug my volcano, sending a message to the entire asthenosphere that we will no longer tolerate its polluting ways." "I call on you today to plug my flaming, gas emitting hole."
Stumble It!