Two dogs preparing to be pitted against each other.

I thought you should hear it from me before you hear it the news. Yesterday, the police came to my house to break up a dog quizzing ring I've been running, alleging I've been cruelly pitting dogs against each other in categories such as math, science, history, and pop culture. They confiscated my Trivial Pursuit cards and said they could take my dog Rowdi away if I ask her any question more academic than, "Who's a good girl?"

Yes, I do run dog quizzing rings, but I don't think I should have to apologize for that. Animal rights people say its cruel since dogs aren't very good at academics and tend to get laughed at a lot in these competitions -- especially since we make them wear mortarboards -- which they say can hurt canine self-esteem. I say these competitions are great for dogs; it used to be that dogs could get by just herding sheep or scaring away trespassers, but today's jobs such as leading the blind and searching for explosives takes education. That's what these quizzing rings do: They prepare today's dogs for the jobs of tomorrow. Also, it's so cute when they hit the buzzer with their paws and bark an answer.

Now, I guess I can see why some people might look upon this as abhorrent, but you have to understand that it's a cultural thing. Putting silly hats on dogs and asking them quiz questions is just something white people do. The whiter we are, the more likely we are to do it. It's not that I don't love my dog; it's just I love her more when she excels academically.