Remember to get a copy of USA Today in the morning so you can see my first ever professional column (sharing a byline with Jonah Goldberg -- so it's kinda like with training wheels). This isn't an April Fools joke -- or, if it is, it's on me and its very mean.

Actually, a good April Fools joke would be to comment here in the morning that you got a copy of the paper and you looked all through it but couldn't find my column. Then I'd be heartbroken. Then you could shout, "April Fools!" and we'd share a good laugh.

But secretly I'd hate you. I've always hated you.

UPDATE:

Here's a link to it for those too cheap to buy a paper. You're the reason for our sluggish economy.

UPDATE 2:

You're probably wondering how this came about. Well, here was the conversation through e-mail:

JONAH GOLDBERG: I want to plagiarize you again.

FRANK J.: Well, it's already well established that I can't stop you.

JONAH: Yeah, but I want something new that you haven't published before and I want it exclusive.

FRANK J.: I'm not going to give you new material like that!

JONAH: Come on! I really need something to plagiarize! You'll even get paid and get credit!

FRANK J.: I don't think that's plagiarism, then. I think that means we'd be co-authoring a piece.

JONAH: Don't give me your jibber-jabber! Just send me something before I send Derbyshire over to break your legs! He has experience at being a thug, you know!

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