Michelle Malkin shows us the true meaning of satire. YouTube has been banned in Turkey.
Read her post.
Michelle, this one’s for you. This is what YouTube sees when they try to watch their videos while in Turkey.

Scooter was found innocent of 1 out of the 5 charges!!!

Frank J. has crossed the line this time. Normally, I agree with all of his policies: nuking the moon, nuking France, nuking nukes. But today, I have to stand up and take a stand against his latest IMAO policy.
In one of his last posts he said:

I really don’t see how any thinking person can debate the use of that word in every day speech. In fact, I see no room whatsoever for disagreement on this subject. I’ve drawn a line in the sand, and on my side is written the word “faggot.” Either you’re for constantly calling people faggots or you’re no longer welcome to blog or comment here on IMAO.

This word has reached the national attention thanks to Ann Coulter who made remarks where she said that she wouldn’t use the word ‘faggot’ or she would have to go to therapy. This is very shocking. It is completely unlike Ann to say something that offends people with different belief systems. I’m sure that 9/11 widows will come out with a statement condemning Ann, as soon as they stop celebrating their husbands’ deaths.
Yet, I can’t be forced to use the word faggot. Maybe Frank J. doesn’t understand how important words are to a sensitive and caring soul such as myself. One of my cousins read Frank’s post and was very offended. Personally, I don’t care what my cousin thinks since he’s a wetback and should not even be in the country to begin with, but his point is valid: some words are just plain offensive and have no place in the English language.
I prefer to use the term “queer” and I don’t care who it bothers. Queer means something like slightly odd. Slight is good.
Homesexuality is seen as a perversion by only 90% of world religions. What does that tell us? That the other 10% must be Anglicans and Scientologists. Besides that — it tells us that after having run countless episodes of Will & Grace, the world now sees homosexuality as ‘merely revolting.’
How bad ly is it seen? It is rumored that at one point during World War II, Hitler stood in one of the concentration camps. He was surrounded by bones, and flesh, and despair. As they were sweeping out the charred carcasses, two guards held hands in an intimate manner. Hitler remarked, “Now, that’s just not right.”
So can we stop calling them Faggots? We shouldn’t hate gay people for their lifestyle choices. We should pray for them and hope that the promising new research on gay sheep one day provides a cure. Sure, it will be a blander society, with fewer, less colorful fashion shows, but that is a small price to pay for progress.
Queers have a right to respect, and I refuse to constantly use the disrespectful word ‘faggot’. Faggot seems such a harsh word and can only serve to turn the faggots off and make them stop reading IMAO (if they ever read it in the first place because IMAO is not very faggot friendly).
So, Frank J. leave the queers alone and don’t force your co-bloggers to adopt the phrase “faggot.” For one thing, it’s very offensive to queers. For another, having to go blogger rehab centers can be very pricey.
RightWingDuck is an internationally known and respected blogger. His work can be found at RightWingDuck.net and at IMAO. RightWingDuck is also author of famous books such as “Yes, That Dress DOES Make You Look Fat: A Guide to Marriage By Using Brutal Honesty” and his follow up book “Ten Steps to Surviving Your Divorce.” Nothing Mr. Duck says should be taken seriously as most of the time it is either the booze or the Blogger Tourettes Syndrome doing the speaking.

Last night I was out of beer. So I did the next best thing to numb my brain – I watched American Idol.
At this point in the game, I don’t have too many favorites, but a few of them stand out enough for me to mention.
Phil Stacey: I know SarahK and some of the other ladies don’t like this guy much. Why? Because he went off to the Idol auditions while his wife was busy giving birth to their child. Personally, I don’t have a problem with this. At the risk of sounding old-fashioined, I believe that birthing babies is “women’s work.” I know, I know: A good husband should be there for the birth, and the afterbirth. But given a choice between following my dreams and watching 10 pounds of (Self censored because Ducky is shivering from the memories of the placenta coming out). I would choose American Idol.
Besides, American Idol has everything a delivery room has – The encouraging words, the screaming, the use of heavy drugs. And that’s just Paula Abdul.
Phil was a great singer. He started off weird. But then again, so did a lot of the guys. Most American Idol men struggle with the lower registers as many of them are more comfortable singing in the higher registers. What’s that called – castrato? I forget.
Phil really brought the song home once he got going. Plus, that bald head reminds me of that Alien guy from the Flintsones. What was his name? Kazoo?
Nick Pedro: Another guy I really liked was Nick Pedro. I love this guy’s story. I mean he quit last year for good reasons. I mean, what man wants to get on stage and sing Buttercup. Please. But it tortured him to wonder what his life could have been like. I identifiy with Nick. It’s hard to wonder about what could have been. A long time ago, Frank J. offered me the chance to write at IMAO. I always wondered what would have happened had I said yes.
Nick has a great voice. His song sucked and it was boring. Actually, I take it all back. He sucked.
Screw you Nick Pedro for making me type this for no reason.
Paul Kim. SarahK noticed the same thing i did. You sing Careless Whisper and you’re doing those stupid “yo, check this” gang-hip hop gestures? Why not just pull out a gun. That would be cool.

Paul Kim Singing:
I’m never gonna dance again
guilty feet have got no rhythm
(Smoothly pulls out gun and shoots at audience)
Bang – Bitch!
though it’s easy to pretend
I know you’re not a fool

Tonight the girls sing. I like to hear a lot of the lady singers. Ironically, many of them have deeper voices than the men. This should should be interesting.

Who said I never have any of the answers.
Besides all of you.
Dr. Duck is here once again to provide aid and comfort to all the faithful IMAO readers. Yesterday, I asked you for questions on relationships. Relationships and love and understanding: these are the things that I know best.
**
Are you ever going to restore the trust of your loyal readers by answering the OTHER Dr. Ducky questions? If not why not?
Posted by: Brian The Adequate
Brian,
The reason I didn’t answer those questions is that they were too sweet and tender. I felt that by answering them I would have taken away from their sincerity and beauty.
Trust. Loyalty. These are good things. Not as good as money. If I did answer some of those old questions would readers buy Frank J’s new book?
Maybe. I’ll consider going back and answering those questions, unless they’re stupid and irritating. Which they almost always are.
**
Who decided that the heart is the “organ” of love and emotion? Why not the pancreas, or the left kidney?
Posted by: PaleoMedic
True Story: A long time ago, an Italian named Federico Von Brooklyn devoted his kidney to his one true love. She felt it was a wonderful gesture since the kidneys work so hard to pump blood to the body. Unfortunately, Frederico ended up donating his kidney to his cousin, Muaricio Von Manhattan. Since Federico had dedicated his kidney to his woman, she had no choice but to follow that kidney and go live with his cousin, where they had 12 kids and attended monster truck rallies.
Ever since, the heart has become the organ of choice to express love as the heart filters out impurities in the system although occasionally you can get heart stones. Which are painful to pass.
**
If I am a guy, and my girlfriend is a girl and she makes more money than I, would it be wrong to ask her to pay for dinner tonight? Wouldn’t the fact that she makes more money than I mitigate my manhood, making her more of the man and I less of it?
Posted by: some goon
Whenever a man makes less money than his woman, it seems that it elicits snickers.
Not the laughter — the candy bar.
Because you’re gay.
I’m sorry. Women make a lot less money than men, that’s why it’s always a good idea to hire them (that and they’re usually easy on the eyes.) By making less than a woman, you are less of a man. I know that’s old fashioned but there you have it.
So you have two options. You can sit on the couch crying, eating cream while watching Brokeback Mountain — or — you can go out there and make more money. If that’s too much, then try getting her fired.
By the way, she should pay for dinner. It’s traditional. The man pays.
**
My girlfriend has this really annoying habit of asking me to do something later in the day (asking at 10am for something that needs to be done at 8pm for example) and then throughout the day keeps reminding me about it. This is really annoying because she has already told me once, I have a good memory, and I usually have no problem doing what she asked, is there a way you would recommend getting her to stop telling me the same thing over and over and just to tell me once?
Posted by: -[Medic]-
This is a Men Are From Earth moment. The reality is that women communicate by nagging. Men communicate by grunting and high fives. This is the natural order of things and it’s wrong to try to disturb it. Whenever a woman n ags me, I try to compensate for it by imagining her naked. If she’s fat, try thinking of Scarlett Johannsen or some other Hollywood Hottie.
**
Ducky, do you form a new relationship each season after you fly north. What about the extra two wives, did you loose them to predation or a couple of tough duck hunting seasons. What about molting, has that ever been an issue.
Oh never mind, I know I’ll never get answers.
Posted by: Neo-andertal
It’s not you. It’s just that your questions are so weird. Even by IMAO standards. But you’re a good kid. Here’s a nickel.
(5 cents)
**
Is it a good idea to take a woman to Pizza Hut on Valentine’s Day? What if you use a coupon to pay for a good deal of it?
Posted by: Silicon Valley Jim
Of course it’s okay to pay for Pizza Hut with a coupon. Unless the coupon is for something else; like Dominoes or 1000 free hours of AOL.
**
What about those of us on the opposite end of the good/bad relationship spectrum on Valentine’s Day? What would you recommend as an appropriate way to call things off? Besides a singing telegram from a guy in a bear suit holding a balloon, of course.
Posted by: Sixth Sense
Sometimes, the easiest thing is to make her dump YOU. My recommendation: During a very passionate moment, call her “Eduardo.” She’ll take it from there.
**
Is a Vacuum Cleaner a good or bad gift for your wife on Valentines Day?
Posted by: ussjimmycarter
Vacuum cleaners are a tricky gift to a woman. What you’re saying is that she’s only good for cleaning. This is a bad message.
I suggest you give her a vacuum AND a frying pan.
**
What’s the going rate on a fifth of vodka and a Playboy? Is it more than an average Valentine’s day date?
Posted by: Elliott
$12.50
Make sure you buy them at the same time. One time, I thought I got drunk and thought I was buying Playboy. I woke up hung over do discover that it wasn’t Playboy it was..um. Let’s just say there were Snickers wrappers involved.
**
How many times was I a baby?
Posted by: Hebert
After much research and several millions in grants, science has come up with an answer to that.
Once.
This decision was nearly unanimous except for the 55% of scientists who said “Two” because of global warming.
**
Dear Duck,
If I had gotten a vaccuum on Valentines Day instead of the 3rd Season of Lois and CLARK, would it have been wrong to dump green glow-y rocks in my hubby’s coffee?
Posted by: shimauma
I get it. Kryptonite. That’s funny.
Lois and Clark is on its third season?
I can see how getting a vacuum would suck.
Get it? Suck. HAHAHAHAHAHa.
I kill me.
**
Dear Duck,
If I had gotten a vaccuum cleaner on Valentines Day instead of the 3rd Season of Lois and CLARK, would it have been wrong to dump green glow-y rocks in my hubby’s coffee?
Posted by: shimauma
Huh?
**
Whoa! Double post, my bad…spankings all around!
Posted by: shimauma on February 14, 2007 10:13 PM
*
Yeah!!!!! A spanking, A spanking.
Posted by: Dan M
*
Dan meet Shimauma. Shimauma Dan.
Hurray. I’ve helped another couple find happiness. I love being a doctor
**
Thanks to all who participated. Remember, IMAO is the home of really bad humor. The Dr. Duck segment is your chance to be a part of that.

It has come to my attention that many IMAO readers will be celebrating Valentine’s Day alone. This is not something to mock. It’s never nice to mock losers.
So let me offer my advice.
Are you trying to woo a certain someone?
Are you having relationship problems?
I have answers. I’ve been happily married for 9 years. Of course, that involves 11 different wives, but 9 years is 9 years. So – HAH!!!
I’m sure you have questions.
Q: Is this one of those Ask Dr. Duck segments where you sit back and watch people fall over themselves to ask questions and then you ignore them?
A: Normally, yes. But it’s Valentines Day and you’ve had enough time being ignored.
Q: Are you sure?
A: (Dr. Duck ignores this stupid question)
Q: But I’m happily involved in a relationship. I don’t really have any questions.
A: Technically speaking, that wasn’t a question.

Q: Sigh. Should I post a question even if I’m happily involvedi n a relationship?
A:. Yes! Because relationships could end at any moment. It could be ending right now!! Even as we speak, your boyfriend or girlfriend could be holding a press conference declaring themselves to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.
Q: I don’t know if I should post a question. You really don’t give very good advice.
A: Look behind you, your significant other is giving a press conference right now! (Made you look.)
**
Answers will be posted later today!
BTW, in case my wife is reading this, I’ve been married 9 years to one lovely woman. Stop honey, don’t go to that press conference!!!

Obama. Obama. Obama.
How we longed to see your well spoken, clean face on TV, telling us all the things we wanted to hear.
But did we excpect this?
Did we expect you to say THIS?
We ended up launching a war that should have never been authorized, and should have never been waged, and to which we now have spent $400 billion, and have seen over 3,000 lives of the bravest young Americans wasted
I know what you’re saying, Obama. This was a slip ot the tongue. That you’re not waste-ist. That some of your best friends are in the military and any one of them will tell us that you never act that way.
Then you’ll tell us that this was a botched statement. Of course this was not what you meant to say. What you meant to say was that you were criticizing the Bush Administration for having done an awful job with this war.
Of course you’re not waste-ist.
So many young men and women have stepped forward to sacrifice everything and you support their cause. You admire them. Not in the way that says you’d ever invite one of THOSE people (Military Recruiters) to one of your elegant soirees, but in a way that says that by increasing the minimum wage we hope that poor people never have to enter the military again.
If we give them options, then “those people” would be able to create meaningful, productive lives in some minimum wage job.
Otherwise, they’d join the Army, go off to battle and die for their cause.
And that would be a waste.
Wouldn’t it?

Amanda Marcotte, the the sharp tongued ‘satirist’ hired by John Edwards today announced her resignation.
“Many people feel that this was the plan all along. That John would announce his support but that I would resign of my own free will after being bothered by the fact that the people I loathe and detest somehow for some reason don’t like me. This is not the case. I am retiring because some people don’t like me and of course that makes them crazy.”
Said John Edwards, “We realized that we had accomplished all of our goals already and therefore the time was right to pull away from this fight.”
Amanda is now sitting at home, awaiting the sticky, jizzy influence of another presidential candidate – possibly Hillary Clinton.
More as this story develops.

First Anna Nicole passed away leaving behind a sweet 5 month old girl.
Who’s the Daddy?
Howard K. Stern said, “I’m the proud father.”
Larry the Photographer said, “No, dude, it’s me.”
Now,
Zsa Zsa Gabor’s Ex-Husband says, “Hmm. Might be mine, too.”
Fox Entertainment brings you a new reality show…
No, Wait. I Am Anna Nicole’s Baby Daddy!!!
If you think you qualify, you can joing the other contestants and lay your claim to daddyhood and potential riches.

Now that Amanda Marcotte is officially staying as the Team Edwards blogger, it’s safe to say that John Edwards is a man of very low standards. That’s why he should choose a blogger from IMAO!!

I know what you’re thinking: “But, Ducky, you’ve always hated and mocked John Edwards and his Breck-girl girly ways!”
That’s true. But when I said

“If John Edwards were President, the Muslims would stream across the border, race right past the wets, and f&Ck ol’ Johnny righ the @ss. And he would probably like it.”

I really meant that in a playful, satirical, non homobophobic manner.
John Edwards has a lot of fine qualities…
Environment: Sure John Edwards lives in a 28,000 square foot mansion, but he cares about the enviroment. In fact, when servants need to get from one side of the house to the other, he encourages them to use Public Transportation.
Equal Rights: Mr. Edwards believes in equal rights and equal access for the sexes. His home features and His AND hers hair salons.
Affordable Housing: The Servants’ Wing of his home falls into the low income zip codes. This wing features lower taxes while the other parts of his city features amazingly high taxes for the wealthy.
Man of the people: John Edwards legal address is still in the Servants’ Wing.
Global Warming: The earth is getting warmer. And what is John Edwards doing about it? He’s running his air conditioning non-stop. He literally is willing to air condition the whole neighborhood.
Terrorism: Wheras crazy right wingers believe that terrorists should be killed and their entrails fed to pigs, Mr. Edwards believe in more diplomatic solutions. Solutions include Sleepovers At My House where Al Queda operatives gather round, tell stories, paint fingernails, and then have pillow fights over territorial issues.
Immigration and friendliness: The other day, he was golfing with some friends and a family of illegals were making their way across the course. He offered them a ride in his stretch golf-cart. When he crashed into a tree, he helped the family by suing the golf club and their board of directors. **
**
So there are a lot of good qualities to John Edwards and I think he should choose me, or any other of the other IMAO bloggers, to be one of his other official bloggers.

The Reverend Ted Haggard is now officially out of Gay Rehab. Having been accused of doing meth with a gay prostitute, the Reverend is now ready to rejoin the heterosexual community. Said the rev, “If there’s a cure for me, then maybe there’s a cure for all the other gays out there. Not that I was gay or anything.”
Enjoying his first day of freedom, Mr. Haggard said, “I’m just gonna go out and hang out at a bar, and chew on a candy bar and see who I meet.”
If he is offered any meth, the Rev has promised to “throw it away.”

I’ve never trusted Prudential. As far as I’m concerned, there’s something about being established and well respected that sends up a red flag. My suspicions were confirmed this morning when I read Michelle Malkin’s latest post.
Turns out that at the New York Times (Motto: Our Nuclear Launch Code Is # 2211B17110Z4 *) they seem to be concerned that ‘A Rock’ and ‘Iraq’ seem to sound alike and there might be something more going on.
Well, I don’t care.
I’m here to review the commercials and that’s that.
Doritos. (Bold. Smooth. Crunch.) This commercial starts off with a guy cruising and checking out a girl walking down the road. HE crashes and then something happens and she gets into trouble too. Crash?
Verdict: Huh? Everyone says this is a great commercial and it was produced by somebody winning a contest. I think contest winners should stick to redeeming product codes and stuff because this commercial sucked.
Bud Light. Rock Paper Scissors. Hey. Rock. That’s sounds like Iraq too! Maybe the Wacky Times is onto something. Two guys grab the same beer at the same time. They decide to do rock, paper, scissors. Turns out that one of these guys uses a real rock and bonks the other one on the head. Is this funny? Is this some sort of symbol of Sunni/Shiite repression?
Verdict: If I want to watch senseless attacks, I’ll go and watch The View.
Blockbuster Video. Some animals are trying to use the internet by using a real mouse. The mouse wants to live in peace and study its Koran. Is this a symbol of something?
Verdict: Hey, where do you plug this thing? Good line. Dull commercial.
Sierra Mist: Combover. I didn’t notice any combover and it’s rude to mention it. Those of you who have full heads of hair should get off your rosy little pedestals and come down to earth.
Verdict: Cool skates.
Snickers: Two mechanics work their way toward the middle of a candy bar. They end up kissing.
Verdict: Gross, but this reminds me of a classic punch line — “Read the card. Read the card.”
FedEx. Bad News: America has invaded the moon under false pretenses so that the American Business Empire can expand its corporately greedy sticky fingers and mine it for oil or something. Good News: FedEx can help you save on shipping.
Verdict: This ad needed a dinosaur.
Katie Couric for the CBS Evening news. This is hilarious. She is so funny. “We’ll tell you what’s happening in the world.” I kept expecting them to cut away to a scene of her playing badminton or something.
Verdict: I love this one. Is this a beer commercial?
One pet peeve: Too much dinosaur.

Bud Light Auctioneer. This is everyman’s dream wedding. I commend the people at Bud Light for getting in touch with the sensitive side of the everyday man.
Verdict: I cried. But I always cry at weddings. Where’s my beer?
Budweiser: The Little White Dog sitting there like a poor starving Iraqi boy, who was probably better off under Saddam Hussein, sees a parade and is jealous off the Dalmatians riding up in the cars with the participants. Poor doggie gets splashed with mud and sees himself in spots. He then joins the parade as a Dalmation where he gets mud all over the Parade Queen.
Verdict: Cute. Budweiser always manages to have the right blend of American domination and cute furry animals.
GoDaddy.com. We see a man telling us about godaddy.com and how we can have domain names for dirt cheap. He then shows us the marketing department where we see girls with wet T-shirts. In another reference to Iraq, the girls have rock hard nipples!
Verdict: I love this commercial.
Chevrolet: (Old motto: Like “a rock”) A bunch of ladies pull up to the stoplight. This makes men salivate and want to strip and touch their car. It’s funny to see an old with a concave chest and his clavicles sticking out. Was that an old man, or was that Nicole Richie? I’ll have to check the video.
Verdict. Eh. Whatever.
CareerBuilder.com: These were funny commercials. Survivor meets the job promotion. The guy with the hat made from a binder was priceless.
Verdict: One of the funniest of the evening.
**
Well, that’s it for the review. You people should stop seeing so much into things and just sit back and enjoy the show. There’s a new one coming up with lots of Dinosaurs. They’re going to feature my favorite one: The Iranisnex.

So now they’re looking for workers to help build stuff on the moon?
Give it a few months.
One thing I admire about my people is that if there’s work, we’ll find a way to get to it.