WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – In a landmark ruling whose results were unpredicted by even the savviest of legal pundits, the Supreme Court ruled in a highly controversial 5-4 decision that the Second Amendment should be construed so as to require gun ownership by every adult citizen of the United States.

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts outlined the surprising thought process behind this startling sledgehammer of jurisprudence.

“The Second Amendment,” said Roberts, “says that ‘a well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.’ Well, I think it’s pretty clearly implied here that, if Obamacare can force you to buy insurance, then militia membership – which is, Constitutionally, ‘necessary’ – can force you to buy a gun. It’s like getting vaccine inoculations: if everyone is immunized, then everyone is safe. But the more people don’t get shots, the more likely an outbreak of deadly disease. In the case of guns, that disease is criminals. If everyone has a gun, criminals get eradicated like smallpox. Also, if everyone is exercising their right, then by definition, no one’s right is being infringed. This is the only way to truly guarantee this particular constitutional protection for every citizen.”

Liberal Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg dissented, pointing out that Roberts’ faulty reasoning in the Obamacare case – even though she agreed with it at the time for political reasons – could not be used to do things to REDUCE the power and control of the federal government, before mumbling something about “my pancreas” and falling asleep.

President Trump showed his support for the ruling by issuing an executive order to make ammunition for all these newly-owned guns more affordable.

“By executive order,” said Trump “I’m making everybody’s first 5,000 rounds of ammo fully tax-deductible in every tax year. That’s over 10 rounds a day, every day, for a year, to practice with. Chamber that many rounds, and you should be a dead-eye shot capable of protecting yourself and your loved ones from criminals, rogue deer, and… well, me and my government minions, too, if I ever go off the rails. Or if America elects a Democrat in 2020. Liberty has never been easier. Or more affordable!”
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< Breakthrough Technology Converts Useless Wind Into Innovative Defense Against Eagles
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BOSTON (AP) – For centuries, man has tried to do something useful with the wind. For a while, it looked like it might work as the motive force for sailing ships, yet – for unknown reasons – today’s wind is no longer effective in that area. Possibly because of climate change. So for years, wind has been relegated to assisting with silly children’s toys, like kites and pinwheels.

However, researchers now report that they may have discovered a new use for the heretofore useless breezes that plague women’s beauty-parlor-fresh hairdos: killing eagles.

Even before the time of sailing ships, humans have been plagued by massive flocks of eagles – some large enough to blot out the sun for hours as they flew overhead. Every American holds deep within their DNA a primal fear of this bird of prey’s bloodcurdling shriek. Who doesn’t curl up into a helpless ball at this fearsome sound? Yet today, we appear to be on the edge of freedom from our avian oppressors, as scientists have discovered a way to use the wind to propel the blades of a 300-foot tall horizontal blender called a “wind turbine”. This merciless sky-cuisinart dices brutal birds by the thousands, making it safe once again for people to walk outside without being eagled.

The Sherman Tank of these choptastic wonders – GE’s Cypress Advanced Wind Turbine Platform – can take out up to 3000 birds a day, and is credited by many with keeping these taloned terrors on the endangered species list where they belong. According to the turbine’s inventor, Otto Octavius, his goal was to “keep Americans safe from the eagle apocalypse.”

“Despite flying in attack formation at low altitudes, eagles are notoriously hard to hit with conventional weapons,” said Octavius. “However this fact also gives rise to their Kryptonite: cockiness. When they see something coming at them, they tell their buddies, ‘hold my fish and watch this,’ then they dodge the object. Usually works. Eagles have great distance vision. However, their peripheral vision stinks. So if a huge chopping blade is coming at them from the side, they won’t see it coming until it’s too late. Advantage: Cypress”

“Oh, also, it produces electricity.”

As long as it’s enough to charge up a Telsa pickup truck loaded with ex-eagles so they can be driven to a cliff and dumped into the sea like so many birdie Bin Ladens, it’s a safe bet that Americans will welcome this new technology.
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< Snopes Measures Light Wavelengths, Rates Trump’s Controversial “Sky Is Blue” Tweet As “Mostly False”
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