Speaking of elimination, the Dallas Stars are soooo going to eliminate the Vancouver Canucks from the Stanley Cup playoffs this round. Just so you know. /minor hockey trash talk
Wow. My first Whopper Jr. in ages. I won’t get to have them for much longer, and mmmm. I forgot how good they are.
Oh yeah. American Idol. You can see how much I care about this season any more. I’m aching for Kellie Pickler to return, that’s how much I un-heart this season. Yep. New lows.
Seacrest says the contestants brought flair, passion, and power to the Latin special. No, Ryan. They brought suckitude, apathy, and yawns. Seacrest asks who is going home and then gives Sanjaya a long look. Nope, don’t think so, but it’s good we’re all fully IN the Universe of Sanjaya.
Randy says Latin songs are hard to sing, but the contestants overall did good. Paula giggles when Ryan asks if she saw a new side to the contestants. She and her vodka can’t stop laughing. Simon says he did indeed sleep after complimenting Sanjaya last night.
The top eight (used loosely, of course) are singing “Bailamos” by William Hung, et al. It’s not good. Oh, and I can’t help but laugh at the producers’ joke when Sanjaya and Haley are center stage for a duet. Well played. It must be fuh-reeeeezing in that auditorium tonight, because Haley is clothed. Or I don’t know, maybe Haley’s mama finally told her that in Texas, we don’t like our girls to be hs.
AI “Challenge”: Which of Elliott Yamin, Kat McPhee, and Taylor Hicks performed with Meatloaf at last year’s finale. How could we forget that? I mean… really. How. I don’t remember what I said at the time, but I’m recalling it with a big fat “egad”.
Oh yeah, the songwriting contest! I assume they’re having this because the finale songs have gotten worse every single year. The song that wins will be sung on the finale. Please peeps, send in non-crappy, non-campy, non-“inspirational” drivel that someone would sing weepily to their mama at a 50th wedding anniversary party, ok? Avoid songs in the key of dull. Prime examples of what to stay away from include: “Inside Your Heaven” (known in our house as “Inside Your Tear Ducts”), “Do I Make You Proud” (Weird Al’s version is so much better), “Flying Without Wings”, and whatever nasty spittle Kat McPhee sang for the finale last year.
Seacrest went to the streets to interview people about the show. It’s kinda cute. A lady ran away from Ryan at the end when he said “Come on baby, give me a nice, wet, lickery kiss.”
A-Kon is on again singing “Don’t Matter”. He really likes singing on American Idol, because he was on with Gwen Stefani two weeks ago. He wants to fight for his right to love, yeah. You know what? I’m just happy he’s not singing about bchs and knp*y hdd h*s, as the hip-hop artists are so inclined to do these days. (And yes, I grew up in urban America and was a minority in my high school by the time I graduated, and I’m quite sure that at our school, knappy was spelled with a k. I’m well-educated on knappy. It means tangled, bushy, messy, gross. Even white people with dreds can have knappy hair–my mom’s best friend’s son and my own brother have had some knappy dreds, dawg. Every time I saw my brother with dreds, I would most assuredly make a comment about his knappy hair. It wasn’t racist. It was just because his hair was knappy. For more urban education, just ask me questions. I’m happy to help.)
What was I talking about? Yes. The bad Ford commercial. It’s “Knappy Together”. No, sorry, that’s “Happy Together”. They got ahold of the CSI: Horatio visual effects and started morphing heads into other heads and cars into other cars. Morphing is wrong. I’m coming out against genetic morphing, especially genetic morphing funded by my American Idol votes and my driving of a Ford.
I can’t actually see the game right now, because we have 2 things recording on the DVR, and our non-livingroom TVs don’t get VS channel. But according to the Stars’ website, the game is knotted at 1, thanks to our Captain. At 11 I can switch to the game. Florida sucks and has no sports radio, at least the east coast of Florida.
LOL, Soup moment: they’re promoting the charity event, and Simon is showing the children in Africa that the charity event will help, and one of the little girls drew Simon with boobies. Simon says he doesn’t much like her.
Ryan asks Simon if they raise $20MM, will Simon get up and sing onstage? Simon says no, you can do better.
They do a splice job with the judges trashing a contestant and Tony Bennett auditioning. “Other door.”
NO NO! They’re recapping the Latin show! WHY?! I like my ears! I need them for hearing and producing wax! They show Haley after the judges’ comments last night, and Haley says, “I guess I’m gonna go, uh, put a robe on.” Yes, because that’s the first time she’s heard the comment about her dressing problem? Wah.
Oh, poor wittle Haley says it hurt a little bit, and she’s not gonna wear anything that she feels is inappropriate. Yes, just what would you consider inappropriate? Garters and crotchless panties?
Phil is in the bottom three.
LaKisha is safe.
Jordin is safe.
Melinda is safe.
Haley is in the bottom three.
Ryan keeps teasing Sanjaya and telling him to stand up but then telling him to sit back down, because we’re not ready for him yet.
Blake is safe.
Chris is in the bottom three. Sanjaya is safe.
I predicted this bottom three exactly. It’s not even challenging to predict the bottom three! Now there’s a break and then a J-Lo.
After the break, Chris gets to sit back down. He is safe to sing another day. Finally, we will be rid of either the Hoo-Hah Girl or Pennywise. I actually hope it’s the Hoo-Hah girl. Yes, I who have always withheld Phil’s number would rather keep him around if it means getting rid of LegsMcCrotchy.
Hey, if J-Lo was a contestant, I would vote for her over any of the other contestants last night. My critiques would be that she ran out of breath a little at the end, and she needs to put her middle finger down a little. She was much more passionato than the others. J-Lo says she thinks she comes from the Paula school of criticism, not that we don’t need our Simon. She believes in accentuating the positive. At least she’s honest. She’s charming and clothed for the evening.
Haley and her hoo-hah are going home, to the place where they belong, where love has always been enough for them. That’s all I know of the song, still.
Next week is country with Martina McBride!! The only week to look forward to. But with this bunch, I’m not optimistic.

Latin night. Also known as Producers Hate SarahK Night #34,847. Oooooh! The cast of Drive, including Nathan Fillion! I heart him.
That’s about all I care about on this show anymore — Nathan Fillion being in the audience. Gina is gone. Chris Sligh is gone. Melinda should win but probably won’t, because some people will be distracted by LaKisha’s Breasts, Jordin’s Smile, Sanjaya’s Hair, Pennywise’s Reflective Head, and Haley’s Hoo-Hah. Oh yeah, Blake’s my 2nd fave, voice wise, but I don’t want to buy the crappy electronikka CD he’ll want to put out–if he would just sing and look nice and stuff, I would be happy, but he really likes the digital, yo. Jordin could be my 3rd favorite of those left, but I’m afraid she’d want to do bubble-gum pop, and, um–ew. Chris R is probably my #2 (based on the fact that I wouldn’t like Blake’s and Jordin’s CDs) of those left, but he’s been in the bottom two so often and makes bad song choices (according to America) often enough that Haley’s Hoo-hah will flash him right out way too early anyway.
So yeah, I don’t care. Bring on Sanjaya’s bad hair decision of the week so I can throw up my dinner already.
Oh, and for Latin week, it’s Jenny from the Block. J-Lo. Didn’t she grow up in the very Latino Bronx? Just for clarification purposes. I mean, I’m too lazy to google it (google it), but y’all can if you want. I’m going straight from rote. Whew, big words! I have to occupy myself somehow with this boring show now that there’s no one to get excited about.
For the record, I like J-Lo as an actress, don’t care for her as a singer, and avoid her tabloid shenanigans like the plague, because oh my.
Why not say who is your favorite, Miss Lo? Please! Do something interesting before I change the channel!
Oh, um–Latin music? Yeah, not so much. Please keep it in Latinastan and don’t subject me to it. Oh, I guess I said that in my first line.
01 Melinda is singing “Sway”, an incredibly boring Latin song. She did her hair up like a grama. J-Lo told her to be sultry and sexy, and Melinda says that will be hard for her, because she’s so not sexy. I’m a little tense until she comes out. She’s obviously going for sexy this week. She is sexy in a sleek black dress, but she’s still modest. Kudos there. Say, Melinda, there’s this girl named Haley. You should give her a tip about how to be sexy without flashing the goodies to the world. This is sultry and whatnot, but incredibly boring, but it’s Latin music, so I suspect one of the best of the night. We’ll see. She almost doesn’t hit the end note right, but she just makes it, barely. It was a yawner but mostly spotless. Other than the hair, she looks fantastic, probably the best she’s dressed any night of the competition. RANDY: Yeah, dawg. Not one of your best, but yeah. PAULA: Sultry, sexy, you look lovely. You didn’t have to wow us. SIMON: Well it had to happen, Melinda. I didn’t like it. I’ll tell you why. That song is all about personality. You appeared much older than you are. At this stage, you have to put on a wow-factor performance every week. I think you’re better than that. RYAN: Were you worried what Simon would say? MELINDA: Actually, I’m happy, because he really wanted to say something bad, and he got the chance. (Even Simon can’t help himself, he laughs.) SARAHK: BTW, your lipstick is way too red.
02 Wow, that is a DWTS dress that Kiki is wearing tonight with her giant breasts bursting out of the seams. My bad, I only saw the boob part of it while she was sitting. It’s just loud like the DWTS dresses. Ok, so we’ve had all these legends on the show–Tony Bennett, Diana Ross, Lulu, et al–and LaKisha has ignored every bit of advice from them (no, I’ma do my own thang, because I’m Kiki tha Great). Now we have J-Lo… J-LO!!! And LaKisha is all over that advice! Show me how to move, I’ll do it. How do I pronounce conga, Miss Latina from the Block? Oh no. I was wrong. She didn’t take the advice on how to pronounce conga. Would it be wrong of me to advise her on not wearing dresses that accentuate the backfat? Sorry, but I have backfat, and I don’t wear dresses in which the backfat spills out over the back edge of the dress. At least not on purpose. No, I just can’t let it go. Bad form. The song, the song. It’s Latin crap. I hated it when Gloria and the Miami Vice or whoever did it, and I hated it this time. Yuck. Nothing good about it, nothing special. Boring and safe and frankly, I was too distracted by the above to even hear the mediocrity. Please, where is Gina? RANDY: Yo, check it out, whatever we were missing with Melinda, here it is, you brought it, that was hot, welcome back. SARAHK: Come again? PAULA: You look lovely. SARAHK: Come again? PAULA: I didn’t love it as much as Randy did. I felt it was very safe. I’m ready for you to bring it again. We love ya. SIMON: Do you agree? KIKI: Not so much. SARAHK: Come again? SIMON: I agree with Pauler. It was safe. The dancing wasn’t very good. (Kiki looks shocked by this.)

Continue reading ‘American Idol Six – Top Eight’ »

So here we are in shark-infested waters. Many sharks have been successfully hurdled this season. We’ve chopped off arms (wait, didn’t we already do that in the season finale of season three?), only to have the chopped off arms get lots of salt in the open wounds when the tide washed in (ouchie!). President Waynewreck got his presidency back just in time to become an adrenaline addict so he could successfully launch an attack on an unnamed Middle Eastern country. I think it’s Pakistan (no offense, Pakistan, it’s just my theory, get mad at the writers who won’t name the fictional country, k?). Frank thinks it’s Iran. Would that it were so, but see, the West turns into a big giant weenie when it comes to Iran. Hopefully not for long. Well then. You know how I feel about the subject of “should we stick it to Ahmadinejad?”.
Ooh. Waynewreck’s hand is shaking.
How convenient! Unnamed Middle Eastern Country’s ambassador has suddenly (after our launch, and at two minutes to impact) uncovered “new” information about the attacks on our country. What?? They’ve been withholding info from us? Inconceivable!
UMEC’s ambassador just said “For G-d’s sake”, not anything about Allah. How’d he become ambassador for UMEC?
Waynewreck says he’ll abort the missile, but UMEC’s ambassador better get over there like now and hold his hand for the rest of the day until the crisis is over.
Paging Dr. House: Everyone on 24 this season has developed Whispering Disease, also known as Bauer Mouth Syndrome. It appears to be contagious and travels through phone lines, as talking on the telly with Jack Bauer is the most common cause. Symptoms include but are not limited to:
Chronic whispering even when enclosed in underground bunkers where no one can hear you (I promise)
Annoying, Dangerously Stupid Female Relative Syndrome
Chronic scowling
Keeping important details to yourself until after the top of the hour and then revealing them in a dramatic whisper before walking or running out of the room
Making wrong wrong wrong decisions involving national security (this is a repeating symptom and should be controlled with medically induced comas and/or accidental death)

Continue reading ‘24 Day 6 — 9 p.m. to 10 p.m.’ »

It’s Tony Bennett night on AI. Prepare yourselves for total suckitude! Speaking of suckitude, make sure to buy our new t-shirt (and other items), a Ducky especial.
Tony Bennett calls this a rare group. Rare, indeed.
01 Blake Lewis is singing “Mack the Knife”. Tony Bennett wants him to slow it down, give the words more impact, and think about that Mack the Knife is a gangsta, yo. Blake sounds great, is not taking this slow tempo at all. He looks great, is dressed very jazz-loungey. A couple of pitch issues, cute scatting at the end, not too much of it. He covered the big butt for me, good job. If you ask me, he twirled around too much for me. Dancing and moving is fine, but spinning? Save it for Dancing with the Stars, k? RANDY: Yo, great way to start off the night. Couple pitch problems. You’re kinda funky, jazzy, cool kinda guy. PAULA: You personify pizzazz. You’re a hip cat. SIMON: Good song choice, performed it well. I give you 7 out of 10, give the band 8 out of 10. The band had a big part in that. SARAHK: It was very good. Not boring at all, a big improvement over what you’ve been putting out recently. Good news: It’s voteworthy!
Lots of Brits are coming for the Idol charity thingy this month. Even Kelly Clarkson is going to stop dissing Idol for the event. It’s about time. Well… it is. I heart her, have her CDs, I’m just saying, it’s about time.
WH Phil Stacey is singing “Night and Day”. TB says Pennywise is one of the better singers he’s heard in a long time? He’s been wearing Bose noise-filtering earphones or something? Anyway, Tony wants to put a beat behind the song, because Pennywise is boring. You know, I’m a fan of owning your baldness if you’re bald. Bruce Willis pulls it off spectacularly. Shoot, Demi Moore did too. I think if you’re going in that direction, just own it. But Pennywise? Consider not owning it. As to the performance. From the neck down is good, I like the suit. This is actually a good genre for him, and had he come out and sung in his normal voice, I think it would have been great, maybe even voteworthy. But he did that whole affectation thing where he tried to sound like someone else, sound like he’s an old-school crooner. He would have been better off using his own voice. Because some of the song was really good. But then he put on airs, and it just made me grimace and want to run from the sewers and leave Derry, Maine, forever. Shame. RANDY: Check it out, interesting choice. I didn’t feel real connection, any passion. (Boos.) I know how you feel, I was listening to it too. PAULA: You’re reminiscent of a young Frank Sinatra. SIMON: What?? PAULA: But you need to warm up and let your vocals come through. SIMON: It had all the joy of someone singing in a funeral parlor. It was gloomy, slightly dark. SARAHK: Could have been great, but it came off as fake, and yeah, now that Simon points it out, gloomy. RYAN: What do you think about what the judges said? PHIL: I was just trying to focus on my wife… SARAHK: And focusing on your wife gets us fake and gloomy? Stop talking. It doesn’t help you.

Continue reading ‘American Idol Six – Top Nine’ »

No recap. Snark only. No time for recap/rewrite. There is much to do.
BTW, how ’bout that shark jumping/mounting last week when Jack questioned and used the mentally handicapped or autistic man?
Oh, and Nadia (Yassir)? Totally a mole. It’s so obvious that I can even tell you her middle name (Nina).
Can you think of a more Over-The-Top character than VPOTT? Or a more whispery one than Waynewreck?
Jack likes the idea of two men fighting over the presidency, because then he doesn’t have to honor the immunity agreement for Gredenko. If only that had happened earlier… when there was still a Curtis and an Assad, and the immunity agreement in question could have been Assad’s, and I wouldn’t have to hate Jack.
Re: above shark jumping/mounting. Who am I kidding? This show has been playing badminton all season, and the shark is the net! And in case I haven’t said it in total snooty fashion: Worst. Season. Ever.
I wish it were a less smarmy VP, because Waynewreck is such a lousy excuse for a president.
You know, I really like Bisquick.
What’s up with Ricky Schroeder?
Oh goodness, they’re letting BlacKim write the arguments for reinstating Waynewreck?
Well, that was quite an intimate hand-hold between VPOTT and his blonde perjurous bimbette. She says the end justifies the means, and on one hand I agree, because Waynewreck just wants to sit there and look weak and let America look weak, but on the other hand, it’s a little… you know… unconstitutional. Then again, the way Waynewreck is cringing and flinching, he could flop over at any minute.
Bisquick is a little industrious, then, isn’t he? I keep thinking someone is going to stab him with a shiv right in the kidney in the hallway.
Now that Waynewreck has been “reinstated” or not uninstated, I’ll betcha he’s gonna slump right over at his desk and kick off before the end of the episode.
Hey, Chloe! I wish she were more Chloe this season.
Say, whatever happened to the “dirty bomb”, the nuke that split open? Is that non-news now? Just a catalyst for the whole takeover thing? I guess since it happened in San Francisco and not LA, it’s not important to the show. You know they can’t leave LA on this show.
Ew. They cut off Gredenko’s arm. He must really heart bin Diesel.
Huh? So they ran into a bar together, and then Gredenko told everyone in the bar, “That’s him. That’s the guy they’re looking for.” And bin Diesel shot at Gredenko, then shot a civilian, then the men in the bar started kicking the crap out of bin Diesel. Yes, we didn’t see that coming. I guess he was like, “That b**tard cut off my arm! I mean, I told him to, but still! He did it anyway!”
So now CTU gets bin Diesel, and Gredenko’s blood loss is heavy, and he is washed up… so to speak. A-HAHAHAHA. I’m so funny.
Waynewreck is getting another shot of adrenaline, which I think is what will kill him…
And no. In the syringe WAS NOT ADRENALINE AT ALL! IT WAS SPINE-GENERATING FLUID! Bisquick and the Ever-Shrill Mr. F are like, “What?” when they hear that Waynewreck is launching the nuclear strike on the fictional Middle Eastern country after all. “I didn’t come back to save the country from that policy, I came back so you would RESPECT MY AUTHORI-TAH!”
YAY!
I mean that in a total world-peace-wanting way. But the only way to get world peace is to forcefully make people stop killing us. Even if it’s a rogue mission, the world doesn’t see it that way. The world sees it as, “Hey, America doesn’t fight back! Cool! Free attack zone and student visas for all!”
Even with the assertion of authori-tah, he still can’t manage to raise his voice above a whisper.
So I guess Wayne won’t die until next week.
BTW, Joey and Kim totally should have gotten 9s tonight, and last night’s Amazing Race was AWESOME. I love the beauty queens Dustin and Kandice. They’re my favorites, I hope they win.

Ryan says the two important questions are who will go home and how Sanjaya will wear his hair. Then Ryan comes out in a faux-hawk wig. I’m not sure who pulled it off better. I give them both an A for effort. Did I just say that? I’m off my game, yes?
They do the recap.
I think if Haley doesn’t go home, it will be Chris Sligh. That makes me sad, because he shouldn’t be going home yet. But he’s been so safe lately. 🙁
Bad Ford commercial is “I Fought the Law”, and it’s actually good! I enjoyed it, anyway.
Blake is safe.
LaKisha is safe.
Phil is in the bottom three.
Melinda is safe. What? Chris R. is making fun of her with the surprised face. That is so cute.
And Chris R. is safe! Yay!
Sanjaya is not being thrown out with the Bath Water, he is safe. Come on, someone had to make the pun. He sang the song, not me.
Haley is in the bottom three.
Jordin is safe.
So it’s to Gina and to Chris Sligh. If Chris is in the bottom three, I think my bottom three prediction is 100% accurate tonight. Lemme go check. Yep.
And now we go to break, and Gwen Stefani is going to perform, and Chris and Gina have to sit through it not knowing. Gina gets so emotional.
American Idol “Challenge”: Which of Bo Bice, Ruben Studdard, Taylor Hicks was dubbed the “Velvet Teddy Bear”? Hrm. I entered the first week, I should start entering these again so Frank and I can have a shot to go to the finale.
Gwen Stefani is out to perform. Is that Mekhi Phifer with her? A-Con? A-Kon? I don’t understand his name, but anyway, he’s going on tour with her. You know, I don’t enjoy her music most of the time (it’s just not my type), and her voice is not my favorite (she stays in that low range almost exclusively), and I don’t like the hoo-hah shorts, but–I know I keep saying this–she seems like a genuinely nice person. And she is a true performer, and I love to watch people who love what they do. She oozes that.
Gwen will be back for the AI charity thing next month.
Publix Ginger Ale is $2 a 12 pack this week, and I like Publix Giner Ale. So you know.
Chris Sligh is in the bottom three.
Phil is safe. Now it’s Chris or Haley going home. Simon says it’s Chris going home. I fear he may be right, but I stick by my prediction.
Chris is going home, and Haley gets to stay. Shame. I’m sad. I hope he gets picked up for TV (American Idol host? Just kidding, Ryan, you know I love you.) or maybe by a Christian label.
Sanjaya and Haley remain, and Chris is gone. But you know what? This means there is something bigger and better in store for Chris and his lovely wife.

Ok, more detailed now. I’ll put what I quickie-wrote last night in italics and add the exhaustive tediousness.
Ryan says Gwen Stefani is supplying the song list tonight, which takes away some of my confusion, because I wondered what kind of disaster it would be with only about two contestants having the body and charisma to pull off Gwen Stefani and No Doubt songs. So it’s Gwen Stefani, No Doubt, and bands that inspired them like The Police, The Cure, and Donna Summer (?).
I don’t normally read anything anyone else has written before I write up my bit, but my initial impressions are already out there and aren’t going to change. I thought Gwen Stefani was great. Funny thing is, she dresses and dances like a skank on stage, and if she were an Idol contestant, I would probably have her at the bottom of the list for her skankiness but at the top of the list for her personality. She just seems like a nice person. And on-stage persona notwithstanding, for some reason she comes across to me as a classy broad. I don’t know why. Now since I’ve had my morning Oreos and done my morning reading before writing this, I’ve read what other people had to say. I don’t know why everyone was hating on Gwen last night. I read that she didn’t say anything, or that she had no critiques, or just stood there, blah blah. Y’all do get that they had 10 singers in 67 minutes last night, right? Cut in with your standard 87 minutes of commercials and promos for EVIL AT&T Wireless, and you’re left with about 60 seconds of song, 60 seconds of judging, 30 seconds of Seacrest blather, and 5 seconds of contestant intro. Oh, not to mention that they now have Inane Viewer Email of the Week to answer and Gratuitous Shot of One of the Nigels “Dancing” in the Audience of the Week to show. So maybe y’all should think about it a little, cut sweet skanky Gwen some slack, and realize that the producers gave her the short end of the stick and probably cut out 95% of what she said and just popped in the quick little sit-down interview. She might actually have coached them while they were at the piano, but since she only got her 5 seconds, they just showed the leopard chair part.
Contestants, feel free to email me if I’m wrong. I know you read here, because some of you take my advice. I promise to keep you anonymous so the producers don’t fire you. (sarahk47~at~gmail~dot~com).
Also feel free to email if you know why I got all up on my soapbox (it makes me sound less haughty if I call it a soapbox than if I call it a high horse, right?) to defend Gwen Stefani, who doesn’t need my help and probably couldn’t care less about AI, despite her proclamations of excitement about most of the contestants. And who wore a sweater that had a picture of belt-suspenders on it.
Moving on. Ok, Gwen says it’s not about the voice for her, it’s about the contestants’ personalities and styles. Kind of like with her. “Don’t Speak” is really the only song of hers I’ve ever thought was one I’d like to sing at karaoke.

Continue reading ‘American Idol Six – Top Ten’ »

Ok, we’re just watching straight through, I’ll have to blog it in the morning, because I dragged my husband out shopping for three hours tonight, so I’m being a good girl and doing a quick watch-through… blah blah blah…
All I have to say right now, though…
Wow, THE GLOCK. She was outstanding, I was so proud of her (ok, honestly I hated the dress, the boots were a’ight, but I LOVED the performance).
Idols 03. Vote it!
Oh my. As I was typing this, Sanjaya walked out with his faux-hawk, as Paula just called it. I hate to say this: it was his best performance even though he forgot the words and had that hair thing going on.
Wow, Haley isn’t wearing sleeveless and didn’t show her armpits. I almost am tempted to vote for her. Would never do, no, but I’m so thankful about the armpits.
Ok, I’m signing off unless someone else knocks me off my feet.
Vote for THE GLOCK!
UPDATE: Idols 10… Chris Richardson was totally knocking my socks off until he forgot a couple of words near the end. Mouth agape and everything, chest clutcher until then. Chris, please remember, though: the microphone stays at your mouth. If your body bobs up and down, the arm with the mic moves in motion with your head. If you’re using a mic stand, you must bob only the body, keep the mouth stationary, or no bobbing. You have quite enough vibrato without leaving out entire notes due to mic loss.
Quick lineup:
03 The Glock. Mwah. I was so happy when I heard your song choice. Perfect song for you, very well sung, heartfelt and emotional. You win tonight. But no more painted on bronze dresses, please. I heart you, but I could have plucked you off the stage and used you to decorate one of my plant ledges with the metallics you were painted into tonight. I hate to even go negative at all on you because I loved your performance so much, and it was your best so far, but I can’t not talk about that dress. Say, next week how about “Hello” or “My Immortal” by Evanescence? But I’m not sure you can hit those high notes, so either stay away from those songs, or lower them a couple of clicks.
10 Chris Richardson. See above.
07 Melinda. Don’t listen to Simon. The outfit was fine. I love that you dress modestly and don’t feel the need to let it all hang out, unlike Baby-Feeder LaKisha.
01 Lakisha. Enough with the baby feeders. We get it. They’re gigantic. Do you want us to give them their own zip code or something? Rah rah, you have big boobies. Yay for you. I do applaud that most of the rest of you was covered, and other than that, I liked the outfit. And this was your best performance in weeks. I’m starting to like you again. If you would just do something about your boobs.
WH Phil. Thanks for pinning your ears down. Made you more watchable. Oh, come on, I’m not the only one thinking it, just the only one saying it. Y’all would be thanking me for wearing support hose and girdles if I were up there. Except for a few screechy notes, you were quite good until the end, and then you got all freaky weird when you did your own thang, dawg. That’s when it became a gigantic mess, and my face scrunched up in horror. Until then, I had you above LaKisha. I was going to give your number out and everything.
02 Chris Sligh. Sleeping pill. Please throw in at least one vocal backflip in the next performance. I’m giving up on you. I’m glad you got your humor back in the pre-talk, thank you, but what’s with the boring vocals? You can’t phone it in every week, or you won’t last much longer.
09 Jordin – Nice picnic basket you were wearing, Raggedy Ann. Also vocally the worst performance out of her in weeks. If Disney’s what you do best, just do Disney. How about “Part of Your World”? You haven’t done that one yet. I’m kidding, don’t do it. People will laugh at you, and that’s one of my all-time favorite Disney songs. You can never live up to the original, or to my singing-in-the-car version. I rock at that song, baby.
04 Sanjaya. Whatever. Stick around. You’re growing on us, and you know we’re making fun of you. Now you’re just there for the laughs, and you know it, and you know we know it, and you know we know you know it. And even Seacrest and the judges are openly joking about it on-air, so as long as no one is pretending that you’re there because you’re the next Aretha or Whitney or Celine, whatever. I don’t care anymore.
08 Blake – What were the judges on about with that boring performance? Even Sanjaya was more enjoyable. Could y’all hear me yawning on the left coast?
05 Haley. I have nothing to say.
Gwen Stefani. Wow, she’s beautiful. And very nice. She came across as a class act.

He is Ryan Seacrest. Did we listen to the judges? I hope not, because they loved Haley in hopes that we would not see her alligator tears. Instead we saw the plant Ashley’s alligator tears. Now there’s a recap.
Peter Noone is singing “There’s a Kind of Hush”. Now why don’t they have cutesy songs like this anymore? Today it’s all about “I wanna give you the good sex baby, uh huh.”
The bad Ford commercial is “Another Saturday Night”, and the kids are doing their laundry. They’re using Surf with the label removed! I know, because I use Surf.
Hey look, Brad Garrett is sitting with the kids between The Glock and Chris Richardson.
Phil, Melinda, and Blake all stand up. None are in the bottom three.
Chris Sligh, LaKisha, Jordin stand up. They are not in the bottom three.
Sanjaya, Haley, and the Glock stand together, and that is crazy scary. The Glock with those two? Seacrest says they are not the bottom three.
Well, one of the above is in the bottom three, because I count nine, and there are only eleven. That’s some fuzzy math, Seacrest.
Chris Richardson and Stephanie Edwards stand up and are the bottom two! I was so bad and didn’t vote for anyone last night, so if Chris goes home, I feel sad and mad at me. Stephanie is not a big surprise.
American Idol for the Challenged: Which of Fantasia, Paris, and Vonzell has been recently cast in The Color Purple?
Now Ryan is giving a message to corporate America about the big charity event on April 24. Coca-Cola, the evil AT&T, and Ford are the big sponsors. Two out of three not bad.
Lulu is singing “To Sir with Love”. I tell you, I thought she was awesome this week working with the chicas. She looks great tonight too. She’s fantastic, I love her.
So… Stephanie and Chris. And Stephanie is going home. To the place where she belongs. Where love has always been enough for her. Ok, so I learned one more line of the song.
Obviously, she left too early. What can you do? America has lost their minds, and Sanjaya runs the mental institution.

Hey, America! You’re in control. This is American Idol.
Yes, you’re so in control that Sanjaya will sing your favoritest songs tonight. Sing you a little lullaby.
Paula is giggly on her intro. That should be good for seal claps and Paula super crazy factor. Right off the bat, she tells the contestants to picture Simon nude. She admits to Simon that she does so.
Oh bother. It’s the ’60s night. British invasion work-in, but I’m sure they can sing whatever they want. Peter Noone and Lulu are here. Ok, so let’s review. ’60s night. Sunday night it took me over an hour to get to sleep. Tonight, I think I’ll take an American Idol-brand sedative.
01 Haley Scarnato is singing “Tell Him” in hoo-hah shorts and an armpit blouse. With high-heels. I don’t understand the shorts and high-heels thing. And there’s a big armpitty high-five. Her entire back is bare. It was so boring and lackluster for me. I can’t even snark much, because there was just nothing there. America will forget her by the end of the night. Bottom three without a doubt this week. Standing ovation? Do the people in the audience have buzzers on their seats that require that they shoot up at the end of the song? RANDY: Yo yo, Haley’s back, best ever from you (??), definite YO factor, baby! Have my puppies! Haley’s back in the competition! PAULA: You had a girlish quality, you flirted, you were adorable, good for you! SIMON: I used the “minx” word on Kellie Pickler last year, so I have to go with you naughty little thing. Young, fun, a little shrieky in the middle, but everyone will talk about a lot more than your singing tonight. SARAHK: You mean the armpits and jiggly bits? And the giant saucers that are hanging from her ears? For me, it went on forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and… you get the point. My eyes are already heavy.

Continue reading ‘American Idol Six – Top Eleven’ »

Previously on 24, Martha Logan stabbed Charles Logan for his past crimes, and when they cuffed her, she said, “What’s that for? They should give me a medal.” Amen, sista. Also, she and Aaron are together, which is awesome, but he’s been relegated to being kind of her errand boy, which makes me like him less, and even though Martha is not with Charles anymore and is with a much better dude, and Charles is the one who made her crazy, she’s in a mental institution. Which kinda makes me crinkle my forehead in annoyance. Welcome to Day 6.
That’s pretty much all the good stuff that happened last week. Or this season after Jack shot Curtis in the neck.
I guess I’ll snark tonight, but not in detail. Are y’all excited? Me almost too.
I don’t know who I have to tell that the V-Cast commercials are disgusting and unclean, but again! Nobody is putting his earbuds in my ears. It’s my policy.
Ooooh! Jack’s gonna find out something about Audrey tonight! I hope it’s that she’s a terrorist. Or dead. Or underwent electroshock therapy to become not whiny. How ’bout it, science?
More last week on 24: Vice President Noah Daniels has a square face and is a bit power hungry. OH! And last week, when I was snarking this and never finished it, because the show is so boring now, I wrote the following. It’s too good not to share with you:

The guy at the Russian embassy who was helping Jack and wearing a red shirt gets killed by the guy who always played an extra named Vasiliy on ALIAS.
I AM SO AWESOME! I JUST HAD A LAUGHING FIT THAT MADE MY MIGRAINE TEN TIMES WORSE! JUST AS I WAS TYPING THAT BIT ABOUT THE GUY WHO ALWAYS PLAYED AN EXTRA NAMED VASILIY ON ALIAS, JACK SHOOTS THAT GUY, AND THE RUSSIAN CONSUL, WATCHING ON SURVEILLANCE, SAYS, “THE AMERICAN HAS JUST KILLED VASILIY. He’s in the basement.” HAHAHAHAHAHA!

LOL, last week, I named the Vice President “Vice President OTT”, and I have no idea what OTT stands for. Anyone know? I apparently did not tell my husband. I was too busy with my laughing fit about Vasiliy to go back and fill in the acronym even once. Anyway, I’m going to call him VPOTT, and maybe one of you will come up with what OTT (yeah, you know me) stands for.
Finally Jack has told Buchanan that Gredenko and bin Diesel are in the Shadow Valley. Doyle lets Jack know quickly that he, not Jack, is in charge. Well, that’s good, because when Jack is in charge, Jack shoots Curtis in the neck, and SarahK holds grudges FOREVER and stops snarkage. Jack has internal bleeding. Buchanan tells VPOTT that Gredenko has the drones with the nukes in the SV, yo, and OTT smirks and chuckles, because that (the smirking) solves national security problems.
In the SV, yo, Gredenko is all talking like Jack with the d word and tells bin Diesel that the Americans know where they are. Bin Diesel says hey, now it’s Markov’s fault that the Americans found us out, and blah blah blah, we’re tired of you making us feel like we have little penises. Tonight you Russians are the ones with the tiny wee-wees! Ha ha! It’s your faults! Not ours for once! We get to have bigger wangs for once. Gredenko says they need to get out of the SV, yo, now and launch one of the drones right now. His small-peep’d underling says the Americans will shoot it down before it reaches its target — well, thanks for ruining the ending of the episode for us! — but launches the drone anyway. They start to move out as the drone launches. Yawn.
Nadia (Yassir) is visibly upset and has caught the 24 whisper disease. Milo asks if she’s ok. No, not really. Chloe comes over. She finally had a good line last episode (“I’m feeling ambivalent”), so I have hope for her. She tells Milo and Nadia (Yassir) that she noticed Nadia (Yassir) is doing work under Milo’s account. See, I’m feeling ambivalent, too, because I like Chloe because she shot up terrorists in season 4. Yet I like Milo because he blew stuff up in season 6. I have no feelings on Nadia (Yassir), because she has proven herself neither to be a mole nor a mole outer, and all she is is a boring subplot thus far. So it’s a conflict between two characters, one of whom I have liked for two seasons longer, but who honestly has started to annoy me this season because she won’t just let her ex-husband alone, and because coital bliss is making her a boring character. Anyway, Chloe says she’s not doing anything about the noticing, she just wants them to know, because if she noticed, someone else will notice. Chloe’s way too nice since Deadger died.
Morris has found the drone, so we have found the plot for this episode. All we have to find out now is whether this nuke is headed for L.A. or… L.A… HAHAHAHA. This show is too predictable. One day the terrorists will learn that Chloe O’Brien lives in L.A. and will decide that maybe she doesn’t want to die today. She’s like Superman without the Kryptonite weakness. Perhaps they should try Chicago. San Francisco? Uh, I don’t know… Miami. Though I’d equally miss any American city, blah blah, disclaimer, not advocating, usual stuff.
Anyway, a shocker occurs! Morris has lost the drone off his little drone map. So we have our problem for the hour. The General on the path to intercept will stay in a holding pattern.
Meanwhile, Gredenko’s little-peep’d guy tells G that he has disabled CTU’s ability to track the drone. Wily bees! Get it? Drone? Bees? Yeah, me either.
In Washington, where it is after Bisquick’s bedtime, Bisquick is in the Bunker telling VPOTT (what does that MEAN?) that CTU lost the drone. VPOTT gets all yelly and interrupts Bisquick to assemble the Joint Chiefs. He tells the peeps assembled in the bunker that he will ask the Joint Chiefs to draw up targets in some unnamed Middle Eastern country (that country Assad was from — you know, Assad is the dead terrorist that Jack murdered Curtis to save — in vain, mind you) for his own nuclear strike. I’ll bet President Waynewreck would be NOT on board with this. Especially since he’s a giant wuss who would have to see his entire country destroyed before he’d even think about retaliation.
I’m torn over this. Not over 24. I’m quite sure it’s boring this season. I’m torn over whether I like this whole retaliation thing. On one hand, I’m the viewer, so I know everything going on… plus, I know China’s got to have some part in this, the stinkin’ Commies… not to mention that VPOTT is so smarmy that I feel like I should go wipe the TV screen at every commercial break to clean the slime off the screen. Icky.

Continue reading ‘24 Day 6 — 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. (an actual DVR-delayed liveblog – finally!)’ »

Hi. Welcome. Ryan is so proud of the “come out of the closet” script with Simon last night that he wants you to see it again. Also a replay of The Children™. Tonight they are doing a dreaded Diana Ross medley that starts with a crazy-eyed Phil staring at Brandon or someone equally forgettable. Please make it stop. My head is KILLING me.
Here is the first awful Ford commercial. The kids are so pleased with themselves. Was that Bo Bice or Chris Richardson at the beginning? The song is “Float On”. Float away.
LaKisha is safe.
Gina is safe. Yay!
Brandon is in the bottom three.
Jordin is safe. She is very smiley.
Chris Richardson has many fans in the audience. He is safe.
Melinda, also many many fans. She is safe.
Phil Stacey is IN THE BOTTOM THREE! Wow, I kinda didn’t see that one coming.
Chris Sligh is safe. Yay!
Stephanie is safe.
Blake has many fans. He is back next week, safe.
We’ll find out if it’s Haley or Sanjaya in the bottom three after the break. I’m telling you, it’s Sanjaya.
American Idol for the Challenged question: Which Idol did Simon predict would sell more albums than any other? Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, or Taylor Hicks. Y’all, I’m sure it was Taylor. Simon thought Taylor was the bestest Idol ever.
Diana Ross is out to perform. She is in a long ruby dress with this giant feather shawl that she carries behind her to look like a butterfly until she starts to sing, then she holds it to one side, then she gets tired of it and throws it on the floor. She’s classy and flashy and insists that the crowd sing along to “I Love You More Today Than Yesterday”, a song which she does not pronunciate. Ryan asks Diana three times who is going home tonight, and after she talks about inspiration, he asks, “Who’s going home?” and she says, “You know what? Me.” She’s adorable with all that wild hair.
After the break, SANJAYA!! joins Phil and Brandon in the bottom three. Haley can’t believe her schmucky tears got her to the safety couch. So there is justice, somewhat, and the bottom three is an all-male stinker.
Right away, Ryan sends Phil and his hinky bald head back to safety. His wife is so happy. Phil just looks ticked off that he was even in the bottom three to begin with. Like it’s a chore for him to walk back to safety. I’m sure Brandon would love to take your spot on the couch. How about a smile and a thank you, Smarmyface? Now I like him even less. That’s like negative like.
So it’s Sanjaya and it’s Brandon. I still say Brandon is going. And Brandon is out. Sing it with me. He’s going home to the place where he belongs. La la la la la a la la la la la laaaaaaaaaa. I only know the first line.

Is everybody watching now?
Really? You chose tonight to start watching? Tonight? Because see, it’s Diana Ross night, which means there will be a lot of bad disco and Motown song choosing, and you just might want to die by the end of the night. And not in a good way. Lock up your guns. Mine are in the safe. Ok, not really, but Frank is next to me, and I have faith in him and in my lazy butt. Really. They never pick good songs. They pick the overdone ones that I can’t even bear to hear the names of anymore.
The band now has strings and winds, and there’s a bigger stage, per usual top 12.
Simon is in a white t-shirt tonight instead of his normal charcoal sweater. No, Simon, those go under the clothes. The judges say their normal blah blah blah about this stage of the game.
Oh no. Diana Ross says she’s not a critic. She wants to be the trusting voice and the supportive voice. I liked it when we had David Foster. Wasn’t he the one? The one who came in and said that the kids would have been kicked out of his studio? I liked that one.
01 Brandon Rogers is out. He is singing “Can’t Hurry Love”. I kick you out for selecting the most covered song ever ever. Diana Ross told Brandon to go to his center, his hard place. Wow, his voice just cracked in major fashion. I don’t think that was the Tivo. I don’t think the hip swinging is going to save you. OH NO! First one out of the gate, and he forgot the words. No no no. Forgot the words to the most overdone song ever. RANDY: Boring, reverted back to a background singer, but your last two notes were like a front singer. PAULA: It’s not easy. I know it’s nerves. We don’t need to tell you what you did wrong. SARAHK: You’re the judges. You’re waiting for me to tell him? You’re waiting for him to look up IMAO when he wakes up in the morning? PAULA: There’s a lot you do right. SIMON: Complete letdown, predictable, terrible dancing, forgot the words, no originality, no star quality, came across as a background singer for a background singer. Not good enough, sorry. SARAHK: Yes. That. And I kick you out for song choice alone. Bad Brandon. Bad. Your only hope is if Sanjaya’s inexplicable fanbase has been eaten by the boogie monsters under their beds in the past week. And there’s always the Queen of the Armpits. You were all bad tonight.
02 Melinda Doolittle. Oh, we’re to answering inane viewer email, are we? Cute, maybe I’ll send one. What’s your favorite color, Ryan? Pink? I knew it! Melinda says the high heels and dresses are the hardest part of the show, and that’s something we’ve heard before from a prior contestant, because it sounds familiar. Anyway, Melinda loves sweats and tennies. Me too. RYAN: Simon, what can you tell her about the high heels? SIMON: You should know, Ryan. RYAN: Stay out of my closet. SARAHK: Thou sayest. SIMON: Come out! SARAHK: Boo-yah. FRANK J.: That was too easy. RYAN: This is about the competition, not your wishes, Simon.
Melinda is all very face-covered-uncomfy during the exchange, but it’s a cute back-and-forth, and I especially love how Simon says what I think sometimes. It’s fun, our scripted ESP.
Anyway, Melinda is singing “Home” from The Wiz. Proudly, I can say I’ve never seen that movie all the way through, and I’ve never heard the song, at least not to my recollection. This is to the advantage of any contestant. If you’re saddled with Stevie Wonder night or Motown night or whatever awful theme night they plague my ears with, the least you can do to give yourself a chance is pick an obscure or vague song and sing it well. Trick it up, but don’t go crazy. Change a few bars or something. Don’t do what Blake did later in the show tonight. That was a mess (sneak preview!).
Anyway, she is modestly dressed, I like that. She does always kind of come across in her dress as a cross between a 1950s housewife and a businesswoman. Does that make sense? It’s way better for me than most of the rest of the attire going on here, mind you, because it’s modest. Don’t get me started, I can go on for hours. Maybe it’s the color she is wearing tonight, the very bland black/white/greyish denim thing. But she always looks nice, attractive, and like she respects herself, and I appreciate that and thank her for that.
Oh yes! The singing. Fantastic. I voted for her like ten times. And look, she is crying when she gets the big standing ovation from the crowd. But barely. Just tearing up a little. RANDY: Hot hot hot! Girls 1 Boys 0! SARAHK: Oh YES! PAULA IS OFF HER NUT TONIGHT! SHE’S BAWLING ALREADY, AND IT’S ONLY THE TOP TWELVE! Paula is all-out crying, I am rejoicing. PAULA: Margle wurvy woozy head. Wuv you goo goo! (Simon is laughing.) SIMON: Melinda, why are you crying? (This is in a patronizing tone. I loooove it.) MELINDA: Something incoherent because remember she can’t speak directly after singing so powerfully. She’s incapable. Especially of saying “thank you”. SIMON: You made a very boring song fantastic. You remind me of a young Gladys Knight. FRANK J.: Who? SARAHK: Tell me you’re joking. FRANK J.: Gladys who? SARAHK: I’m going to hurt you if you don’t tell me you’re joking. FRANK J.: Yes, I’m joking. SARAHK: Melinda, it was fantastic. When are you going to thank the judges for the praise? Please? Just for me?
03 Chris Sligh. Haha, he says to Diana Ross that they have the same hair. What? “Endless Love”? Yes, well, I guess there weren’t four decades of music for you to pick from, then, were there? But it is Diana Ross night, so what are you to do? I don’t like him without the glasses as well, because it seems like he’s trying to lose his look a little? The hair went shorter last week, the glasses are off this week. What next week, he starts dressing like Seacrest? Chris, you are who you are, and we like you. BTW, we’d like the humor back. There was a hint with the hair joke with Diana (listen to me call her Diana, we’re old friends), keep it coming. “Endless Love”, I’m so worried about it, though. Shouldn’t I be? I guess we’ll see.
This is… interesting. I’m not saying that in a bad way. I had my face all crinkled the whole song, but just because I was trying to make up my mind. He’s got a piano rhythm playing in the background that’s very familiar, like a Coldplay song. “Yellow”, maybe? I don’t know which. Anyway, but he’s doing the song in that beat, with drums, and I am not once thinking of Lionel Ritchie during this, which is a wondrous thing on any American Idol night. Say it with me, class: “We should never invoke Stevie Wonder, Lionel Ritchie…” I could go on. The vocals are fine, nothing spectacular, but good. I like him and want him to stick around, so I voted for him ten or so times, even though it probably only deserved one vote if that. It was weird, but much better than at least four others tonight, so I have no shame in voting for him so he can stick around. RANDY: You had that Coldplay “Speed of Sound” vibe going, and you don’t have to trick stuff up. Sometimes just sing because you have a good voice. Don’t worry so much about style and sing your heart out. That was a mess for me, dawg. PAULA: Sometimes I worry that you’re trying to be ultra-hip and ultra-cool. Worry less about trying to be contemporary. SARAHK: Paula, sometimes I worry that you try to be ultra-hip and ultra-cool, like when you try to use the words that the kids use. ‘Cept they’d probably say Chris is ultra-rad and gnarly, dude. SIMON: You murdered the arrangement. You took a beautiful song and did very bad things to it. SARAHK: You made Chris Sligh sing a Diana Ross song. And one week, you’re making him sing J-Lo. Step back, or I’ll cut you. SIMON: It was unemotional, uninspiring, and I would keep your glasses on. RYAN: Did you think you would ever be on a stage singing Diana Ross? CHRIS: Yes, Ryan, because the American Idol producers have proven year after year that they despise SarahK and want to make her life miserable. I think the judges didn’t like my arrangement more than they didn’t like my vocals, so hopefully next week I don’t screw up the arrangement in their eyes so badly. SARAHK: Yeah, that’s probably a good assessment. FRANK J.: They tell them to take risks, and then they tell them it’s not ok to do anything to the songs. SARAHK: And they have Diana Ross night on American Idol.

Continue reading ‘American Idol Six – Top Twelve’ »