I feel a little burnt out on In My World™ right now, so I decided to do a different post today. Though I know you shouldn’t count your doves before they hatch, it’s looking more and more likely that Howard Dean, the angry peacenik, is going to be the Democrat nomination for president. Thus, I’ve decided to do something useful for a change and have my crack research staff do some muckraking on him. Here is what they found:
FUN FACTS ABOUT HOWARD DEAN
* He always cheats at Scrabble.
* Is governor of Vermont, and I hear there are some gay people there.
* Has a bit of an anger problem. Once, when the copier jammed at his campaign headquarters, he beat his entire staff with a metal stapler.
* He has gotten both the support of Al Gore and the entire Borg collective.
* Al Gore decided to support Howard Dean when he found out that Liberman is a Joooo! Apparently, Liberman never mentioned that he was religious during the 2000 campaign.
* Was once stopped for suspicion of drunk driving, and then a dead hooker was found in his trunk. Due to some technicalities in his arrest, the only charge that stuck was that he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt.
* He still doesn’t wear his seatbelt.
* Was the basis for the movie Howard the Duck.
* The reason he was so against the war in Iraq is that Saddam was his college roommate.
* If elected president, plans to put a hotline on his desk that directly connects to France so, in a crisis, he can always ask them what to do.
* At every campaign stop, an orphanage mysteriously catches fire.
* Is actually the alter-ego of Aquaman’s arch-nemesis, Black Manta.
* Plans to be the surrenderenest president ever.
* Was seen rooting for the Soviet in Rocky IV.
* He completely dishonors Bushido, the way of the samurai.
* Plans to raise taxes to fund his weather control machine so he can take over the world. Not even Aquaman will be able to stop him.
* Has lots of stock in Al Qaeda (symbol ALQ), and would lose a lot of money if they were ever defeated.
* Is always threatening to cut people, but claims that’s just because he’s a doctor.
* The only reason he supports gun rights is to confuse those of us who want to label him a complete liberal. Damn you!

Since terrorists are already covered, by popular demand I sent my crack research team to find out what they can about liberals.
FUN FACTS ABOUT LIBERALS
* Liberals hate people who are not open minded. Open minded is defined as thinking just like they think (otherwise you’re evil).
* The major diet of the liberal is tofu and granola. This makes them weak and easy to pick up and throw.
* Liberals love to spend other people’s money. If you see a liberal, it’s okay to take his money because it probably wasn’t his anyway.
* Liberals have an irrational fear of firearms. If you want to scare a liberal, point a gun at him.
* The whine of the North American liberal can often be mistaken for the sound of a screech owl. The main difference is that the liberal’s whine will also have a nauseating effect.
* Liberals love socialism and want to socialize all businesses. If you see a liberal coming towards your business, throw a stick at him before he can socialize it.
* Liberals tend to congregate on college campuses as it is a safe haven for their idiotic ideas, protecting them from scrutiny. Thus, avoid college at all costs.
* Liberals are invulnerable to reason and logic. They are vulnerable to firearms, knives, and the bitch slap.
* Liberals hate America and love more oppressed people… like evil dictators.
* Much like the duck, it’s illegal to shoot a liberal who is floating in a lake.
* Liberals will try to entice you with their twisted logic. If that doesn’t work, they’ll bite you.
* Hanging a picture of Ronald Reagan over your door will keep liberals from entering.
* Liberals come in two main varieties: intellectual and mental patient. You can only distinguish between the two by noting whether their jacket has sleeves.
* If you see a fuel-efficient car, it’s probably being driven by a liberal. Run it off the road with your SUV.
* Liberals are always trying to save the environment because they are apparently dependent on it. If you want to kill all liberals, destroy the environment.
* Even if you satisfy liberals’ demands, they’ll come up with new thing to complain about that you could never even imagine; they’re just that creative. That creativity is put towards much better use as forced labor in a coal mine.
* Liberals are always whining about tolerance, but, when I punch them for that, they get moody. Hey, be tolerant!
* You can tell if someone is a liberal by extracting some blood and seeing if it reacts violently to fire.
* Sorry, that previous item is how you find out if someone is the Thing. It’s a good thing to check for that too, though.
* Some liberals still think Communism is good. I guess we should threaten them with nuclear missiles just like we did the Soviets.
* In a fight between Aquaman and liberals, liberals would have Aquaman fined for disturbing the habitat of endangered fish. He would then sulk about it to the great annoyance of the Aquawife.
* Liberals like to sympathize with terrorists. Keep them away from Gitmo, or there will be nothing but sympathizing.
* I’ve heard vicious rumors that liberals also like the French, but that might just be slander against liberals.

Terrorists are horrible, but I have a t-shirt to handle them. Who are also as annoying, though, are protestors. Since Bush is encountering so many protestors while in Britain, I thought I’d put my crack research staff on finding out as much information about protestors as they could. Here’s what they found:
FUN FACTS ABOUT PROTESTORS
* They are called “protestors” because there is something which they “protest”. Only God know what, though, because they’re so damn incoherent.
* Much like the pineapple, protestors start with a ‘p’.
* Protestors like to yell a lot, but it’s hard to hear what they’re saying. It’s probably about how much they like Saddam and dictators since them being deposed seems to really get them riled.
* Protestors try to make their message clearer by waving signs around. Apparently they don’t think there should be trade between the Red Cross and Exxon.
* A number of protestors these days are anarchists. They can be identified as the protestors who can’t properly pronounce what they are.
* Large scale protests rarely change things because people don’t want to share opinions with smelly, yelling people.
* To protestors, the day they protest is known as “action day”. To police, it’s known as “whomping day”.
* If you’re a police officer and it looks like protests are getting out of control, shoot a protestor. I thought I saw him going for a gun too (wink) (wink).
* Like bees, protestors operate in swarms, but they don’t produce anything useful like honey.
* In America, the right to protest is guaranteed by the First Amendment, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence how that one’s directly followed by one saying we should have guns.
* Whatever you do, don’t let protestors touch you! It will make you annoyed.
* There are rarely large scale protests by right-leaning people on account of them having things called dignity and jobs.
* By the principles of basic physics, sound can be nullified by hitting it with the same sound with the sound wave offset by ninety degrees. So, to nullify the yelling of protestors, blast them with the recording of monkeys screeching.
* You make monkeys screech by dangling bananas in front of them but never giving them to them. Stupid monkeys. What are they going to do anyway? Take over the world and blow up the Statue of Liberty?
* Much like fire, protestors need oxygen to survive. Also like fire, denying protestors oxygen can cause them to die out.
* In another similarity to fire, dousing protestors with water can help quell them.
* Speaking of water, in a fight between protestors and Aquaman, Aquaman would soon be running around waving a sign saying how old forest logging is endangering the sea turtle.
* Maybe if the song “Don’t Worry; Be Happy” were played over loudspeakers, protestors would stop protesting as they no longer worried and were now happy. It’s worth a shot.
* Another idea is tear gas, but that will probably cause them to worry and not be happy. Screw them.

As we all know, Gray Davis set California on fire in vengeance for people recalling him. It could happen again, and thus I set my crack research team to find out all they can about brush fires so people can be more prepared in the future.
FUN FACTS ABOUT BRUSH FIRES
* Brush fires are caused by the combination of brush and fire.
* The conspiracy between brush and fire started when both became dissatisfied with the government in the 60’s.
* If the conspiracy of brush and fire joined with the Zionist conspiracy, then we’d all be screwed.
* I just saw Matrix Revolutions last night. Do you think when anything goes wrong in the machine city, they blame it on a Zionist conspiracy?
* A brush fire has two main modes of attack: burning using its fire and suffocating using its smoke. It also has a special attack, but first needs to power up.
* To avoid brush fires reaching your home, dispose of all your brush by tossing it over the fence into your neighbor’s yard.
* If there is a brush fire, you may see panicked animals flee the forest. Stay and fight, you pansy-ass animals!
* If a brush fire is coming towards your house, lock your doors. Fires can’t operate locks.
* If you run into a brush fire, don’t panic; it’s more scared of you than you are of it.
* There is no reason to have lots of brush congregated in one area. Brush should be destroyed… just not by fire.
* If you wake up and find your room on fire, that’s a house fire – not a brush fire. Those are common, so don’t worry about it.
* A brush fire can be identified by its strong, smoky smell. If you see a large fire coming your way, see if it has a smoky smell.
* Since fire needs oxygen, a good place to store your brush is on the moon.
* Much like the Wicked Witch of the West, a brushfire can be killed by water.
* Water can also kill the aliens from Signs.
* I’m sorry if you haven’t seen that movie yet and I ruined it, but someone ruined The Sixth Sense for me and I’m still bitter.
* I don’t know if dropping a house on a brush fire would kill it just like it did the Wicked Witch of East, but it’s worth a shot.
* That probably would also kill one of the aliens from Signs.
* In a fight between Aquaman and a brushfire, Aquaman would only be able to be identified afterwards by his dental records. If only Aquaman actually had some Aquapowers.
* A giant brush fire can be an awe inspiring site to watch, but it can be canceled in case of rain and replaced with a movie.
* You can’t kung fu fight a brushfire. Then again, I’ve never tried it.
* I once set a hairbrush on fire. It like totally melted! It was so cool!
* Having caught the 10:15 showing of Matrix Revolutions last night, I am very sleepy right now. Hopefully some conniving brush fire won’t use that to its advantage.

It’s fun to talk like a pirate, but, in reality, they are murderous thugs. Thus, I think it’s appropriate I have my crack research staff find some important facts about them.
FUN FACT ABOUT PIRATES
* Pirates operate by boarding your ship, killing everyone on board, and stealing your treasure. So, if pirates ask to board, tell them no.
* You may be able to avoid getting attacked by pirates if you drape a sign over the side of your vessel reading, “Radio Broken”.
* If you are captured by pirates, fight back by throwing all their oranges overboard. Now they’ll all get scurvy – whatever the f–k that is.
* Since piracy really ended centuries ago, my main concern when encountering pirates would be how to get back to my own time. Cryogenics was piss-poor in the 17th century – hell, it’s hard enough to get a bag of ice – so you’ll have to try some other option.
* Even though pirates sail all the seven seas, they’re apparently based in Pittsburgh, PA.
* When fighting pirates, you may think the man with the big hat is the leader, but it’s actually the parrot on his shoulder. Take that bird out first!
* In a fight between Aquaman and pirates, Aquaman would… wait a second, a fight on the sea; Aquaman would actually be competent here. I don’t think there’s a joke to this one.
* A lot of people when boarding your ship may claim to be pirates, but make sure to ask for identification. If someone is murdering your crew and stealing your booty but doesn’t have the proper ID, make sure to report it to the pirate union.
* While pirates tend to use the peg to replace a lost leg, it doesn’t work as well to replace a lost arm, nose, or ears.
* Be careful of a pirate who lost a hand; them hooks is pointy!
* Those muskets take like a minute to reload, so, if a pirate fires at you and misses, time for a pound’n.
* The cannon the pirates have may or may not be loaded, but don’t check it by just sticking your head down the barrel. You at least need a match first or you won’t be able to see.
* The pirate flag of skull and cross bones is called the “Jolly Roger” because whoever decided to name it was really gay.
* Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger… that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying about, be prepared for a pirate attack!
* If someone boards your land going vessel and steals it, that’s a carjacker, not a pirate. You can still run him through with a cutlass, though.
* If you see a man with a long beard, it could be the fearsome Blackbeard the pirate! If the beard is somewhat light colored, he’s probably just a member of ZZ Top. Either way, use caution.
* The most fearsome pirate these days is some Middle Easterner known as Kazaa.
* If you’re really worried about pirates, go to Taco Bell. I’ve never seen one there, and I like their chalupas.
* The main thing to remember about pirates is that they are more scared of you than you are of them. Just stand your ground, wave your arms in the air, and yell and that should scare them off.

Israel just can’t seem to get a compromise between their desire to not be blown up and the Palestinians’ desire to blow them up. Thus, I sent my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about one of the main players: Hamas.
FUN FACTS ABOUT HAMAS
* Hamas was founded in 1987 according to some site I found with Google. I was eight years old then and wanted to be a fireman or an astronaut. Blowing up Jews had not crossed my mind.
* Hamas is Arabic for “dumb f–ks with explosives”.
* Contrary to popular belief, Hamas has nothing to do with ham. Actually, if you throw hams at them, they’ll get angry.
* I don’t like to loosely throw around charges of anti-Semitism, but I don’t think Hamas members like Jews.
* One of the reasons that they keep attacking is that none of the Hamas members knows what “ceasefire” means and are too embarrassed to ask.
* Suicide bombings started when parents found out how much money they would save if their kids just blew themselves up instead of going to college.
* If you see a Hamas member, shout, “Hey! Look! It’s a Jew!” Maybe he’ll set himself off early. Dumbass.
* If a Hamas member says he wants peace, it’s a trick! Shoot him the head.
* If a Hamas member says he wants to borrow the sports section from your newspaper, it’s a trick! Shoot him in the head.
* Be careful; Hamas members are quite wily, ranking up there in intelligence with squirrels.
* Hamas members smell. It’s not nice to say, but it’s true.
* Hamas has a wing that’s devoted to charities. They need to make sure that all Palestinians children are healthy and grow up to be big and strong so they can blow themselves up.
* The French, enemies of all that is good and just in this world, are considering having some of their charities join those of Hamas. Expect more attacks from Hamas in the future that involves smelly cheese.
* Hamas members don’t like contact with pigs, so I think it would be funny to feed them to pigs like in the movie Hannibal.
* That was really gross when Hannibal had Ray Liotta eat his own brain.
* I’ve strayed off topic.
* We should trick Hamas members into eating their own brains.
* If you’re in a cafe in Israel, and someone runs in there and indiscriminately starts shooting people, he could be a member of Hamas, so be careful.
* Hamas is a big part of the “cycle of violence”. They blow up innocent men, women, and children, and then Israel is like, “Hey, don’t do that.” And thus the cycle of violence continues.
* The cycle of violence will continue until the Palestinians stop being such a bunch of numbnuts… or if Israel finally gets fed up and nukes them all.
* Even though members of Hamas are out gunned and out smarted by Israel, they think they can defeat Israel because Allah is on their side. Isn’t that cute.
* Hamas members think they go the Heaven when they commit a suicide bombing where they get 72 virgins, but instead they go to hell where they get jabbed in the ass with a pitchfork ad infinitum.
* Actually, I’m Catholic; I think everyone is going to hell. Hey you, reading this: you’re going to hell. Seriously.
* In a fight between Hamas and Aquaman, Aquaman would like totally kick their asses. His fish friends would be like, “Hey, let us have a piece of them!” but Aquaman would say, “No! They’re mine!” And then one Hamas member would be like, “Please, have mercy, Aquaman!” and Aquaman would be like, “No!” and punch the guy through the chest and rip out his heart. Aquaman is a badass!
* Hamas tends to yell and complain a lot when Israel targets and kills their leaders. Someone should tell them to stop being such a bunch of babies.
* Sometimes Hamas members blow themselves up in their own apartments when they try making bombs. That makes me giggle. Hee hee.
* My grandfather was a member of Hamas.
* No, wait, he was in the IRA. They just blew up the British people who deserved it because… ah, I don’t actually know anything about that conflict. I think it involves the color orange.
* I’ve gone off topic again.
* Maybe Isarelis and Hamas could all get along if they just hugged.
* No! Don’t hug the Hamas members; it’s a trick! They’re just going to blow up!
* You know, Hamas could just plant bombs without blowing themselves up… or at least that’s what I’d do if I were a subhuman, murderous Jew-hater.
* Hamas won’t rest until the Jews are pushed out into the sea. That will significantly improve the GDP of the sea.
* If you make a Mexican laugh, and he wants an encore, he’d say, “Ha! Mas!”
* I think that means I’m about out of fun facts.
* The best way to handle Hamas is to be really patient. I’m sure Arafat will deal with them… eventually. Oh, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Al Qaeda is still plotting! You might have thought they were all plotted out, but, oh no, they’re still after us. And their attacks are against planes again; these are like one note terrorists. You gotta switch things up, dudes. You know, Speed was on a bus, and Speed 2 was on a boat; that’s how things work here in America.
Anyway, they’re planning to sneak evil terrorist weapons into common household items, so I think it would be a good citizen of me to give everyone some tips on how to avoid terrorists on a plane flight.
FRANK TIPS FOR AVOIDING AIRLINE TERRORISM
* If the guy seated next to you is named Al, watch him with suspicion; that’s halfway to Al Qaeda.
* If someone tries to light a fuse on his shoes, that’s a sure sign of terrorism. Take away his lighter then hit him on the nose while firmly saying, “No!”
* If someone takes out a boombox, quickly grab it and smash it over the person’s head. Even if he wasn’t a terrorist, what the hell is he doing with a boombox on a plane flight?
* Terrorists are trying to sneak weapons into children toys. If you see a child on your flight, smash his toys.
* If you are going to crash land, don’t duck into a crash position as illustrated in that little flyer; if everyone is ducking like that, a crash landing makes the perfect time for a terrorist attack.
* Terrorists plan to modify cameras as stun weapons. If a terrorist tries to take a picture of you, hold up a mirror and deflect it back at him. Stupid terrorist.
* The airline pillows are too small to smother a terrorist. If you need to smother a terrorist, politely ask your flight attendant for a blanket.
* Air Marshals on flights are supposed to have a gun, so, if you see someone on your flight waving around a gun and yelling, assume he is an Air Marshal and go to sleep.
* If you are worried that the people around you are terrorists, immediately alert the stewardess. She can give you booze which will make you much less worried.
* If the man next to you is named Mohammed, that’s a terrorist name; beat him up. If he is named Mo, that could be short for Mohammed; beat him up. If he says his name is Bob, he’s probably lying and it’s really Mohammed; beat him up. If his name is Sue, make fun of him for having a girl’s name; he’ll beat you up.
* The best defense is a good offense, so bring a shotgun on the flight. How do you sneak a shotgun on? When security asks you, “Hey, is that a shotgun?” say, “Only a dumb person would think this is a shotgun.” The security person will not want to look dumb, so he’ll just wave you through.
* Also bring a bomb on board. If terrorists get up and start threatening everyone, you then threatening to blow up the plane if they don’t shut up. That will steal their thunder, and they’ll probably just sulk and then sit back down.
* If Aquaman is on your flight, don’t worry; he’ll save you. Well, maybe he will– if the flaming wreck lands in the water. On second thought, forget Aquaman; you’re on your own.
* If the stewardess asks you to pay extra for your meal, that’s probably a terrorist plot; take appropriate action.
* If the oxygen masks come down, make sure they are dispensing oxygen and not poison. The best way to do this is to use the lighter you took from the shoe bomber. If you apply fire to the mask and it immediately burst into flames, then yes, it was dispensing oxygen.
* As in Die Hard and Passenger 57, the best way to avoid the initial terrorist attack is to be in the bathroom. If someone complains about you being in there so long, tell him you’re fighting terrorism.
* If terrorists are attacking, you can turn common items into weapons. One is to take your palm and then curl up your fingers. This makes a “fist” which works well as a cudgel. You can also curl up the inflight magazine and bop terrorists on the head with it. It won’t do much damage, but it will be kinda funny. Bop! Bop!
* If you are about to fight a terrorist in hand to hand combat in the aisle, first yell to him, “You’re about to experience some major turbulence!” because that will be so cool.
* When fighting a terrorist, the best and most climatic way to finish him off is to open an emergency door and suck him out. Be careful, though, as air pressure imbalance does not distinguish terrorist from decent American; it’s neutral like the Swiss.

I just realized I’ve never done a Know Thy Enemy™ segment on the North Koreans. If we ever have to fight them, it’s likely my brother, Joe foo’ the Marine, will have to go out there. I don’t want him to get killed, because, if he does, it will be on my honor to avenge his death, and my schedule is just too busy for vengeance. So, I got my crack research staff to find all the important information one needs to know to fight the North Koreans.
FUN FACTS ABOUT NORTH KOREANS
* Remember, it’s the North Koreans who are the evil Commies while the South Koreans are the ones who give us cars with really good warranties and animate The Simpsons. The West Koreans are mysterious loners who will work for the highest bidder.
* North Korea got its name from being North of South Korea. I don’t know how South Korea got its name.
* North Korea is said to be the last Stalinist state, which means it’s like an extra evil Commie country. I mean, people are escaping to China for a better life; that’s pretty damn Commie!
* I believe we once fought a war with North Korea, and I think we won, too. There’s precedent for you!
* They call the area between North and South Korean the Demilitarized Zone, even though it’s filled with mines. With that much armaments, you’d think they’d call it the “Really-Millitarized Zone.” Anyway, if you’re walking through the RMZ, make sure someone is walking ahead of you.
* I’ve heard rumors that the Koreans eat dogs. That’s just like cannibalism! Except, instead of eating people, they’re eating dogs.
* North Koreans are probably armed with Russian hardware like most evil people, because who would have sold weapons to evil people other than the Russians? Oh, they might also have French and German weaponry.
* Tae Kwan Do is a martial art that comes from Korea, so I would assume that every North Korean knows it. The martial art is characterized by its high kicks meant to knock riders from horses. So, when fighting a North Korean, duck low so his kick goes over your head, then counter with an uppercut.
* North Koreans are vulnerable to silver bullets… and any other bullets.
* Supposedly the North Koreans have nuclear missiles that could reach all the way to California, but let’s find out which part of California before we get too panicked.
* I’m pretty sure ninjas are either Chinese or Japanese, but I can’t guarantee that the Koreans don’t have any. So, when fighting them, bring a samurai sword just in case since ninjas dodge bullets.
* If you find yourself attacked by a North Korean, stop, drop, and roll.
* The North Korean government keeps their people starving, oppressed, isolated, and ignorant, and they are all taught that Americans are evil. Still, if having to invade their country, just toss the people some Fun Size bag of Fritos and I bet they’ll think you’re the second coming of Christ.
* Just like the llama, the North Koreans need a constant intake of oxygen to survive; thus, they are susceptible to strangling.
* If a North Korean bites you, you become one.
* In a fight between the North Korean military and the Flash, the Flash would run away really quickly to a tropical resort in Thailand and drink a Mai Tai.
* I’m sorry, but I’m running out of jokes about Aquaman.
* Okay, one more: In a fight between Aquaman and the North Koreans, Aquaman could splash Kim Jong Il messing up his poofy hair and humiliating him. The North Koreans would then hit Aquaman with so much artillery that the Justice League wouldn’t even be able to identify him by his dental records.
* If you kill a North Korean, be careful! His body will explode into deadly poisonous gas… or maybe I’m getting them confused with the enemies from some videogame.
* Their leader, Kim Jong Il, has extremely poofy hair, and our inaction will not make it any less poofy.

• When I first made named my site IMAO, I thought the meaning would be obvious to everyone. My only fear was that some people would think I was declaring solidarity with Chairman Mao (when IMAO.com wasn’t available, the suggestions given were icommunist.com and imarxist.com).
• When on blogspot, comments were labeled “IYAO”.
• The original tagline of IMAO was “No problem is so complex it can’t be solved by proper firearm usage.” Later, with the help of Laurence Simon, I made a randomly rotating tagline which included “Political musings of a dumb smart guy.” (and “Political musings of a smart dumb guy.”). The reason “Political musings of a dumb smart guy.” was settled on was that was the tagline Rachel Lucas picked when she made me a banner for my switch to MT. I don’t have the list of taglines on me right now, but I’ll put them up later tonight.
• I first heard of Scrappleface when he put in the comment section of one of my posts “If you want to see a related parody, go to…” I was a little flattered at the time that someone thought I had enough readers to bother siphoning off them, but, in the end, I dismissed Scrappleface as an annoying upstart.
• Despite their popularity, Glenn Reynolds has never once linked to an In My World™ post, knowing that people would find it too funny and it would grow my power too much to have that many people see one.
• According to the Blogging Ecosystem today, I need 1067 more links to catch up on Instapundit. So, come on, start linking!
• I was born June 4th, 1979, so, despite my young age, technically my life spans four decades.
• My last name does not start with a ‘J’.
• In a fight between IMAO and Aquaman, IMAO would win because of Aquaman’s piss-poor hacking skills.
• Aquaman is just the lamest superhero ever. I mean, he’s completely useless on land and only marginally useful in water (he can breathe underwater and talk to fish). Maybe he could be a really good lifeguard, but superhero seems to be aiming to high.
• I am proudly the number one Google hit for “I hate Michael Moore“.
• I don’t like monkeys.
• I own the URL bombfrance.com, but have yet to do anything with it. I was hoping to make a signature drive like Not in Our Name where I would collect signatures of people who wanted the U.S. military to bomb France. I would then e-mail the petition to everyone in Congress.
• I receive very little hate mail. I’ve often seen liberals link to my posts saying, “Hey, look at this great Rumsfeld bashing.”
• Hot chicks in their twenties who are single and find me irresistibly handsome and witty should e-mail me immediately.
• I’m hoping to somehow expand IMAO into some super-conglomerate where I make lots of money. I like money.
• I am thankful for all my readers, and I love everyone one of you.

Hurricane Bill has been downgraded to a tropical depression, so, just after the nick of time, here’s some info on hurricanes. I have lived in Florida for over two years now, which, though I’ve never actually seen a hurricane, makes me qualified to talk about them from all the second-hand information I’ve heard. So, without further ado:
FUN FACT ABOUT HURRICANES
* Hurricanes involve wind… and rain too, I think.
* Hurricanes only attack near the coastline, because further inland is ruled by the tornados who don’t take kindly to other weather anomalies moving in on their territory.
* The main differences between a hurricane, a tropical storm, and a depression are their spellings and pronunciations.
* Jerry Fallwell says hurricanes are caused by too many people being homosexuals, so stop it already, guys; those storm windows look hard to put up.
* I talked to some guy who said he shot a hurricane with a .45, but that didn’t stop it. A .44 magnum probably will, then.
* A true samurai should be able to stand down a hurricane and defeat it with one mighty stroke of his blade. I won’t do it though, because it might mess up my sword.
* I just saw this movie Zaitoichi about a blind samurai, and it was really cool.
* I’ve strayed off topic.
* When a hurricane attacks, most people will flee inland, which will mean the beaches will be nice and empty for those of us who aren’t a bunch of pussies.
* Hurricanes used to always be given female names because hurricanes are destructive, random, and capricious, just like women. That custom was stopped, though, when women got all whiny and moody about it.
* No one is sure what causes a hurricane, but it comes from the sea so the most likely candidates are Poseidon, sea monkeys, or France. We should do a preemptive strike against all of them.
* A hurricane, unlike the platypus, does not lay eggs.
* If a hurricane charges you, just strike it on the nose to ward it away.
* In a fight between a hurricane and Aquaman, Aquaman would end up stuck in some power lines somewhere with no fish to talk to.
* In Mexico, Aquaman is known as Hombre del Agua.
* I’ve gone off topic again.
* This arab guy I met told me that hurricanes are just a Zionist conpiracy to run up insurance costs. Joooos!!
* Most times we’ll have plenty of notice for a hurricane because it will storm in right off the sea. Sometimes, though, it will sneak in wearing a hat and a trench coat. If you see someone in a hat and a trench coat, pull them off and shout, “Aha! A hurricane!” Most of the time, it will actually be some guy and you’ll look pretty stupid, but, if one time it actually is a hurricane, people will be like, “Wow! You’re smart.”
* All hurricanes want is attention, so the best defense is to just ignore them, even if it rips off the roof of your house.
* I once thought I saw a hurricane, but it ended up that it was a gopher.
* That was sort of on topic.

I’ve had a lot of requests to have a post on monkey pox, but I had avoided it until now because monkeys scare me. Finally, though, I’ve set my crack research staff on the topic and here is what we came up with:
FUN FACTS ABOUT MONKEY POX
* Monkey pox was either developed by evil monkey scientists or by God because of our sins. If someone sinned, please fess up.
* Poxes are all named after the animal that made them to try and overthrow humanity. Chicken pox was made in the long long ago by chickens in a failed attempt to destroy mankind, and later cows did the same thing, making cow pox, which ended up being a vaccine for the ancient and evil small pox, made by leprechauns to keep us from getting their pot of gold.
* Monkey pox is spread by prairie dogs, which are not actually dogs (or prairies) but instead are evil, stinky rodents who sold their soul to their monkey masters.
* If a monkey comes up to and offers to inject you with something he swears is not pox, don’t let him. It probably is pox.
* Monkey pox is rarely fatal, but, while it has not been proven that it allows monkeys to control the victim’s mind (or even hypothesized), it has not been disproven either. Do not trust anyone who is itchy.
* If you have monkey pox, no matter how tempting it is, don’t eat a banana; that will just inflame it. Instead eat things a monkey wouldn’t like such as chalk and suntan lotion.
* The symptoms of monkey pox are fever and itchy rashes. It’s not much fun, but, if you’re young, I’d say it’s worth it to skip a couple days of school.
* Doctors say don’t scratch the rashes as that will just make them worse. Know what; doctors say lots of damn things. Scratch those damn rashes; screw the doctors.
* If you seen prairie dogs, kill them and burn their bodies. Do not get them mixed up with Chihuahuas, though, or you will probably make someone mad.
* Monkey pox is a virus. A virus is an entity (not technically classified as a living organism – much like a monkey) that uses one of your own cells to reproduce itself. That’s just mean. You work long and hard making those cells, and they shouldn’t just be stolen like that.
* In a fight between Aquaman and monkey pox, monkey pox would probably win unless Aquaman had been taking a lot of vitamin C lately.
* A Nuke the Moon t-shirt will make you immune to monkey pox. When wearing one, you can lick all the prairie dogs you want without fear.
* The best cure for monkey pox is to eat monkey brains like in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Ha, and you thought that was all fiction. You are so foolish I should rip your heart out of your chest.

Wasps were trying to build a nest in front of my garage door. So I got a hose and sprayed the little buggers, and then finished off their nest with my bokken (wooden practice sword). Well, today I find a new nest… not even a nest. Just a tiny little piece that two wasps were standing on, though they barely fit together on it since it is so small. Cheeky little bastards. Guess they don’t take a hint. Next step is chemical warfare.
For others with wasp problems. Here’s some use useful facts:
FUN FACTS ABOUT WASPS
* Wasps tend to build nests where they can have shelter from the rain and best piss people off.
* While bees will only sting in defense of themselves or their hive, a wasp will sting you just because he’s a f**king jerk.
* While many people would think the wasp is closely related to the bee, it’s actually more related to the badger.
* Wasps tend to come from rich families and have good upbringings and join exclusive golf clubs… or maybe I’m thinking of a different kind of wasp.
* While bees collect pollen to make honey for food, I don’t know what the hell wasps eat. I think it’s like birds, rodents, and small children.
* Wasps usually register as independents, but tend to lean Democratic in elections.
* In a fight between wasps and Aquaman, Aquaman would think he could win by hiding under water. But, as soon as he lets his guard down and emerged from water again, the wasps would jump out from behind a rock and sting him dead.
* While wasps building a nest on your house is bad, it’s better than having a monkey nest.
* You cannot cohabit with wasps. First they start out in a nest in front of the garage, next they’ll be in your living room controlling the T.V. remote.
* Wasps, like the zebra, cannot drive a car.
* A Nuke the Moon t-shirt will make you immune to wasp stings.
* Wasps are not very intelligent, but do have just enough intellect to let them be evil… much like Islamic fundamentalists.
* OT: Do not let Islamic fundamentalists build a nest off your garage either. Immediately spray such a nest with a hose.

Hillary Clinton has a book out! I know all of you must be racing to not read it, but I’ll save you the trouble and not read it for you. Here’s what I didn’t find out from the book:
* Exactly how many people she estimated her universal health plan would kill.
* That Chelsea Clinton was played by a child actor.
* Whether she shot Vince Foster execution style or gangsta style.
* What are the exact details of her pact with Satan.
* How entrenched into our government is her lesbian conspiracy.
* Whether her banshee-like scream can cause people’s heads to explode just like if she were a Scanner.
* Whether regular bullets can kill her or do you need to use silver ones.
* That every time she lies, her thighs grow larger.
* How many genetic scientists did she kidnap to make flying monkeys for her.
* For what purpose does she like to drink the blood of small children.
* Who would win in a fight between her and Aquaman.
* That the only thing that actually surprised her when she heard about the Monica Lewinksy affair is that her husband had relations with a “dirty Jew”.
* She’s not a natural blond.

Everyone has heard of the Homeland Security Advisory System by now and its rainbow of colors, but most are confused of exactly what it means to them about how they should act and live when it is at its different levels of alert. That’s why I’ve decided to create this guide make things clearer to the people.

Continue reading ‘A Frank Guide to Homeland Security Alert Levels’ »

Everyone seems concerned about SARS, but don’t worry; I’ll help you out. I got an A in biology at the local community college (what was a genius like Frank J. doing at a community college for one semester you ask; it’s a long pointless story and I’ll tell you about it later) so I think I’m qualified to give expert advice on SARS. So here it is:
FUN FACTS ABOUT SARS
* If you hear a knock at the door, ask the person outside a long division math problem. SARS is unable to do long division, so, if the answer is wrong, fire blindly thought the door with the nearest firearm.
* Ninjas are from China, where there are lots of SARS cases. So don’t let them cut you with their swords, because you could get SARS.
* Monkeys always carry lots of diseases, so, if you see a monkey, strangle it. This may get the zookeeper angry. Strangle him too, the dirty SARS lover.
* If you kill SARS while it is outside your home, drag it inside to make things easier to explain to the cops.
* SARS usually attacks with flu-like symptoms, but sometimes it will use a choke wire, so always keep an eye to anything sneaking up behind you.
* SARS is probably a mutated cold virus. If it mutates again, it will probably become some weird thing with tentacles and sharp teeth. Destroy it with fire.
* Your friends may say you’re paranoid to be so worried about SARS. Destroy them with fire.
* If you see in the sky a red planet with two polar caps, that’s Mars, not SARS. DO NOT shoot it down.
* SARS may mutate enough to replace your coworkers with evil pod-people. If you believe this to have happened, then you can spend all day surfing the internet because it’s not like SARS is going to report you.
* SARS is really just a bully. If you stand up to SARS and say, “Hey, well maybe I’ll infect you with something!” it will probably back down.
* Know of any closet or cabinet you haven’t looked in for a long time? SARS might be hiding there. Better check it out with a flashlight and a shotgun in hand.
* If SARS has you cornered and you are unarmed, remember that it usually starts off its attack with a wide right hook punch. If you duck under it, then SARS will have left itself open to a counterattack to the kidneys. That’s right, SARS, you don’t know who you’re f**king with!
* If you bear the mark of the ancients, then you are the chosen one meant slay the Queen SARS, thus ending the threat for us all.
What? You say you have something better to do? Yeah, right; you were just going to watch TV. Lazy bastard.
* Whatever you do, don’t go to Instapundit.com. Glenn Reynolds doesn’t take very good care of his links, and they’re probably all infected with SARS.
* If SARS is after you, you can’t out run it. Instead, get in a car and drive as fast as you can, making many sudden turns so you hopefully can lose it.
* Donate money to a humorous blog. People who donate money to a humorous blog are shown to be ten times less likely to be infected with SARS. Don’t give money to Scrappleface, though; that will give you SARS for sure.
* In a fight between SARS and Aquaman, Aquaman would win because SARS can’t swim. It’s not like he’d save any of us, though.
* If you believe you have SARS, don’t panic. First of all, make sure you don’t come down to Florida; that’s where I live and I don’t want your damn SARS.
* Uh-oh; I hear a knock at the door. Might be SARS. I guess there’s nothing to do but chamber a round in my .45 and check it out. If you don’t hear from me again, tell everyone I went down fighting.