Is everybody watching now?
Really? You chose tonight to start watching? Tonight? Because see, it’s Diana Ross night, which means there will be a lot of bad disco and Motown song choosing, and you just might want to die by the end of the night. And not in a good way. Lock up your guns. Mine are in the safe. Ok, not really, but Frank is next to me, and I have faith in him and in my lazy butt. Really. They never pick good songs. They pick the overdone ones that I can’t even bear to hear the names of anymore.
The band now has strings and winds, and there’s a bigger stage, per usual top 12.
Simon is in a white t-shirt tonight instead of his normal charcoal sweater. No, Simon, those go under the clothes. The judges say their normal blah blah blah about this stage of the game.
Oh no. Diana Ross says she’s not a critic. She wants to be the trusting voice and the supportive voice. I liked it when we had David Foster. Wasn’t he the one? The one who came in and said that the kids would have been kicked out of his studio? I liked that one.
01 Brandon Rogers is out. He is singing “Can’t Hurry Love”. I kick you out for selecting the most covered song ever ever. Diana Ross told Brandon to go to his center, his hard place. Wow, his voice just cracked in major fashion. I don’t think that was the Tivo. I don’t think the hip swinging is going to save you. OH NO! First one out of the gate, and he forgot the words. No no no. Forgot the words to the most overdone song ever. RANDY: Boring, reverted back to a background singer, but your last two notes were like a front singer. PAULA: It’s not easy. I know it’s nerves. We don’t need to tell you what you did wrong. SARAHK: You’re the judges. You’re waiting for me to tell him? You’re waiting for him to look up IMAO when he wakes up in the morning? PAULA: There’s a lot you do right. SIMON: Complete letdown, predictable, terrible dancing, forgot the words, no originality, no star quality, came across as a background singer for a background singer. Not good enough, sorry. SARAHK: Yes. That. And I kick you out for song choice alone. Bad Brandon. Bad. Your only hope is if Sanjaya’s inexplicable fanbase has been eaten by the boogie monsters under their beds in the past week. And there’s always the Queen of the Armpits. You were all bad tonight.
02 Melinda Doolittle. Oh, we’re to answering inane viewer email, are we? Cute, maybe I’ll send one. What’s your favorite color, Ryan? Pink? I knew it! Melinda says the high heels and dresses are the hardest part of the show, and that’s something we’ve heard before from a prior contestant, because it sounds familiar. Anyway, Melinda loves sweats and tennies. Me too. RYAN: Simon, what can you tell her about the high heels? SIMON: You should know, Ryan. RYAN: Stay out of my closet. SARAHK: Thou sayest. SIMON: Come out! SARAHK: Boo-yah. FRANK J.: That was too easy. RYAN: This is about the competition, not your wishes, Simon.
Melinda is all very face-covered-uncomfy during the exchange, but it’s a cute back-and-forth, and I especially love how Simon says what I think sometimes. It’s fun, our scripted ESP.
Anyway, Melinda is singing “Home” from The Wiz. Proudly, I can say I’ve never seen that movie all the way through, and I’ve never heard the song, at least not to my recollection. This is to the advantage of any contestant. If you’re saddled with Stevie Wonder night or Motown night or whatever awful theme night they plague my ears with, the least you can do to give yourself a chance is pick an obscure or vague song and sing it well. Trick it up, but don’t go crazy. Change a few bars or something. Don’t do what Blake did later in the show tonight. That was a mess (sneak preview!).
Anyway, she is modestly dressed, I like that. She does always kind of come across in her dress as a cross between a 1950s housewife and a businesswoman. Does that make sense? It’s way better for me than most of the rest of the attire going on here, mind you, because it’s modest. Don’t get me started, I can go on for hours. Maybe it’s the color she is wearing tonight, the very bland black/white/greyish denim thing. But she always looks nice, attractive, and like she respects herself, and I appreciate that and thank her for that.
Oh yes! The singing. Fantastic. I voted for her like ten times. And look, she is crying when she gets the big standing ovation from the crowd. But barely. Just tearing up a little. RANDY: Hot hot hot! Girls 1 Boys 0! SARAHK: Oh YES! PAULA IS OFF HER NUT TONIGHT! SHE’S BAWLING ALREADY, AND IT’S ONLY THE TOP TWELVE! Paula is all-out crying, I am rejoicing. PAULA: Margle wurvy woozy head. Wuv you goo goo! (Simon is laughing.) SIMON: Melinda, why are you crying? (This is in a patronizing tone. I loooove it.) MELINDA: Something incoherent because remember she can’t speak directly after singing so powerfully. She’s incapable. Especially of saying “thank you”. SIMON: You made a very boring song fantastic. You remind me of a young Gladys Knight. FRANK J.: Who? SARAHK: Tell me you’re joking. FRANK J.: Gladys who? SARAHK: I’m going to hurt you if you don’t tell me you’re joking. FRANK J.: Yes, I’m joking. SARAHK: Melinda, it was fantastic. When are you going to thank the judges for the praise? Please? Just for me?
03 Chris Sligh. Haha, he says to Diana Ross that they have the same hair. What? “Endless Love”? Yes, well, I guess there weren’t four decades of music for you to pick from, then, were there? But it is Diana Ross night, so what are you to do? I don’t like him without the glasses as well, because it seems like he’s trying to lose his look a little? The hair went shorter last week, the glasses are off this week. What next week, he starts dressing like Seacrest? Chris, you are who you are, and we like you. BTW, we’d like the humor back. There was a hint with the hair joke with Diana (listen to me call her Diana, we’re old friends), keep it coming. “Endless Love”, I’m so worried about it, though. Shouldn’t I be? I guess we’ll see.
This is… interesting. I’m not saying that in a bad way. I had my face all crinkled the whole song, but just because I was trying to make up my mind. He’s got a piano rhythm playing in the background that’s very familiar, like a Coldplay song. “Yellow”, maybe? I don’t know which. Anyway, but he’s doing the song in that beat, with drums, and I am not once thinking of Lionel Ritchie during this, which is a wondrous thing on any American Idol night. Say it with me, class: “We should never invoke Stevie Wonder, Lionel Ritchie…” I could go on. The vocals are fine, nothing spectacular, but good. I like him and want him to stick around, so I voted for him ten or so times, even though it probably only deserved one vote if that. It was weird, but much better than at least four others tonight, so I have no shame in voting for him so he can stick around. RANDY: You had that Coldplay “Speed of Sound” vibe going, and you don’t have to trick stuff up. Sometimes just sing because you have a good voice. Don’t worry so much about style and sing your heart out. That was a mess for me, dawg. PAULA: Sometimes I worry that you’re trying to be ultra-hip and ultra-cool. Worry less about trying to be contemporary. SARAHK: Paula, sometimes I worry that you try to be ultra-hip and ultra-cool, like when you try to use the words that the kids use. ‘Cept they’d probably say Chris is ultra-rad and gnarly, dude. SIMON: You murdered the arrangement. You took a beautiful song and did very bad things to it. SARAHK: You made Chris Sligh sing a Diana Ross song. And one week, you’re making him sing J-Lo. Step back, or I’ll cut you. SIMON: It was unemotional, uninspiring, and I would keep your glasses on. RYAN: Did you think you would ever be on a stage singing Diana Ross? CHRIS: Yes, Ryan, because the American Idol producers have proven year after year that they despise SarahK and want to make her life miserable. I think the judges didn’t like my arrangement more than they didn’t like my vocals, so hopefully next week I don’t screw up the arrangement in their eyes so badly. SARAHK: Yeah, that’s probably a good assessment. FRANK J.: They tell them to take risks, and then they tell them it’s not ok to do anything to the songs. SARAHK: And they have Diana Ross night on American Idol.
Archive of posts filed under the SarahK’s TV stuff category.
American Idol Six – Elimination to the top 12
The elimination show starts with the dreaded group sing. “Stuck in the Middle with You”. The lyrics of this song are so perfect for elimination night. Go google. Sundance. Please please. Please stop with trying to pull off the Mohawky hairstyle. And quit wearing so much makeup.
They lumped Sabrina’s performance in the “contemporary R&B” category. En Vogue from 1996, y’all. If I roll my eyes any harder, they’re gonna pop right out of my skull. And I just woke up, so they’re bleary. Don’t make me roll them when they’re bleary!
Keppra, wow, that makes me sleepy.
LaKisha and Blake are the first two to go onto the urinal seats into the top 12. And we find out that next week will be great for snark, bad for sing. It’s Diana Ross week.
Chris Sligh doesn’t want to look stupid, so he says he hopes he’s in the top 12. He is staying.
Jordin Sparks sticks around. Eh.
Phil Stacey is in the top 12. Blast it.
And Jared is the first casualty of the night. The judges applaud Jared. I applaud America for not keeping his giant shoes around. Simon tells him that he’s good-looking, but he needs to work on his vocals, because that’s why he’s not in the top 12. Ryan asks if he’s surprised, and he says very. Really? You sang Stevie. On cut to top 12 night. Silly boy. Listen to SarahK. Oh look who’s losing it. Antonella is going to have a breakdown over his departure. Look, she spied a camera.
BRB, kids. Have to go add some stuff to the chicken and put the macaroni on to boil so I can poison my body later.
Now it’s time for American Idol for the Challenged. I mean the American Idol Challenge. Hmm. Of Ace Young, Kevin Covais, and Chris Daughtry, which of those currently has a #1 album? I think it’s Kevin Covais.
Melinda and Brandon, the backup singers, are both in the top 12.
Chris Richardson and Gina Glocksen are in the top 12! Basically that’s everyone I care about. Melinda, Gina, the two Chrises, Blake. I’m good.
Now Carrie Underwood is out to sing “Wasted”, track #1 on her album. I heart her. She so deserved to win the big prize that year. I’m not crazy about her big balloon blouse, but she’s Carrie, so I’m not going to go on about it.
So for the girls there are two spots left for Antonella, Stephanie, Haley, and Sabrina.
Antonella and Stephanie step to center stage, and this was the prediction that had me skittish. I predicted Antonella but was unsure… Finally. Antonella is gone. RYAN: What memories will you take away from American Idol? ANTONELLA: So many. Too many. Too much to think about right now. SARAHK: Please write a 100 word essay on the merits of not being photographed almost naked. Ryan, come on.
I’m two for two tonight. Which makes me… 4 + 2 + 2 … carry the one… eight out of ten on the season. Let’s see if we can go ten for twelve. If there’s justice, Sabrina will get the nod over the empty Armpit Haley.
Man, if I have to pick my poison, we are going to be living off thirty-three cent Walmart brand mac-n-cheese in a box for the next three months. Gluten is yummy and poison to my body. And I’m under doctor’s orders to eat it for three whole months. Glory.
I can’t tell if Sabrina’s gonna barf or cry. You are freaking kidding me. Even Paula is not hiding her shock that Queen of the Armpits made it into the top 12 over Sabrina. That was 100% awful song choice, kids. Let that be a lesson to you. Randy says that Sabrina should be in the top 12, and America got that wrong. Haley is thanking all of her angels right now. If I didn’t like all my stuff and my animals, I would throw something.
AWESOME! Rachel just called to tell me there’s a rocket launch scheduled for 10:10! We have to hurry up and finish so we can go out on the golf course and watch.
Tonight is the 200th episode of Idol. Cool. This is the big reveal. Big charity project. Raising lots of money for poor children in America and Africa. Borat will be here. Quincy Jones. Randy to wrestle Borat nude. Bono. Gwen Stefani. Etc. Huge charity event. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Rosie.
Ok, back from the rocket launch.
Sundance v. Sanjaya for the last spot. I told Frank: I bet it’s Sanjaya. Sure enough. Simon looks astounded. Even Paula. RYAN: Simon, what happened? SIMON: The volume was turned down?
That is so RUDE!
Ugh. Well. What did I predict? I said Sanjaya would stay. I said Phil and Jared would go. 1 for 2 there. I said Haley and Antonella would go. Sabrina went, and Haley inexplicably got a seat on a urinal. Whatever. So I’m 4 + 2 + 2 … carry the one … 8 for 12. 66.67% going into the top 12.
Anyone know anyone who’s voting for Sanjaya and Haley? Punch those peeps for me, would ya? Thanks. Love ya.
American Idol Six – Top 8 girls
It’s girl night, so there’s hope on the viewing couch. Right off the bat, they can’t find Paula. Have you checked the vodka sellers, Ryan? I hear she visits them from time to time. I see that Gina is dressed all edgy; I figured she would be, because she listens to Simon. Ryan says tomorrow night they announce details of the biggest AI project to date. If it’s that AI camp, I’m not interested.
By the time the cameras pan to the judges, Paula has been located. Simon says she was under the judges’ desk. Randy says retrieving something for him, and immediately Ryan thinks dirty. Everyone spouts the standard line about it being a family show. That’s the new line for the last two or three years. The standard. “This is a family show.” “A family blog.” “A family restaurant.” “You can’t say that here, this is a family.” People are always blaming the family, the children. Poor kids. I think I’m going to start a new one, take a little responsibility. “You can’t say that here, I have morals.”
I have to warn you. I’m cranky.
01… Jordin Sparks. Yeah, I’ve decided for some reason that I don’t care for her as a performer. I think it’s because she’s giddy non-stop. Happy, sad, she’s smiling all the time. Her big reveal is that she loves football so much and used to want to play football but gave it up a long time ago for singing. And she’s going to sing Pat Benatar? Huh. “Heartbreaker”. I hate to say it, because she’s a much much much better singer than Haley Scarnato, but this reminds me so much of the Queen of the Armpits performance from last week. She’s got so much better pipes than this song shows off, and she went boring, fast, safe. What’s up with that song choice? RANDY: Hot! Different show! Pitchy but so much better than the boys! PAULA: Energy! You only get better! SIMON: I’m not as enthusiastic as the dumb judges. A bit manic, a little shrieky. You’ve done well, you’ll be back next week, but it’s not your strongest performance. SARAHK: And manic Jordin can hardly contain herself with all her giddiness. Paula, can Jordin have one of your Valiums? Do it for me, sugar? The fizzy pep ball is overdoing herself. Oh, to the singing. Honestly, it was karaoke, nothing better. I’m disappointed.
02… Sabrina Sloan used to want to be Katie Couric. Blarf. She used to host the school talent program or something. Anyway, moving on. What is with her song choice? Are you kidding me with this En Vogue song from what? The ’80s? I have to look it up. “Don’t Let Go”. Ok, 1996. Eleven years. You either need to go way back or get current. Don’t go to the mid-’90s for your mediocre song choice! Is Antonella picking your songs? The dress is a pretty color (I do love brown), and she looks mostly pretty, but it looks like it’s made of squishy foam material, and I can’t get past that. I also get hung up on the way she squat-walks around stage. Ok, apparently I hated this performance. The singing was mediocre and nasal, too. Not impressed tonight.That song choice was awful! RANDY: Not my favorite song choice, you did your thing, you were pitchy, good and solid. PAULA: You can sing sing sing. You look beautiful. Energy is fantastic! SIMON: You’re a great singer, but you lack emotion. Robotic. Bad song choice. Hotel resort performance. You’re a great singer, but you need personality. You’re too mechanical. SARAHK: Who the heck picks your songs? I’m mad at you tonight. Ugh. Not a happy me. RYAN: Deserve to be in the top 12? ALL JUDGES: Yes.
03… Antonella Barba plays the violin and still teaches lessons when she goes home for the summer. Is anyone else nostalgic for Baylie Brown right now? ‘Member her and that nice husky voice? Yeah, me too. Anyway, Antonella is up and singing a song with all kinds of tuning issues. She’s singing “Put Your Records On” by Corinne Bailey Rae. This is actually a good song choice for her, but it’s a gigantic mess. It’s horrific. She’s hitting bad notes in every bar and grabbing her stomach to steady herself. She looks pretty. Even I’m throwing in the sympathy “she looks pretty”. But it’s not good. RANDY: Good song choice, but it was just ok. I think you’re better than you’ve shown in the last couple of weeks. PAULA: Your high range is good, low range is bad, good song choice. SIMON: You’ve gone as far as you can go. I don’t know how much more you can do. I feel for you, because you’ve taken a lot of stick in the media, and you’ve handled yourself well throughout, and no one should have to go through that. [Applause and Antonella actually thanks Simon for saying so. The first sign of respect she’s ever shown him.] But I’m not going to patronize you. It wasn’t your worst performance, we’ve heard you sound worse, I just don’t think you can go any further. SARAHK: It’s true. That Armageddon song was way worse. But this was not good. I think the Bad Girls 15 Seconds Train is leaving this week, and she should pack her bags.
LOST
LOST is so snarkworthy. I’m not going to detail-snark it or anything. Just have a little fun while we watch. Feel free to join in. My American Idol review will be up late tonight. If you’re sitting on the edge of your seats wondering, I voted at least 10 times for Gina Glocksen and twice for Melinda. I was a little unnerved, because I never got a busy signal on any of them. And they were the only two worth voting for.
Anyway, on with LOST.
I agree with Sawyer. Those unknown characters don’t get an opinion. And they should be wearing red shirts. I’m a little worried about Hurley, since he is wearing a red shirt.
Wow. The last living member of the Dharma Initiative! And Frank has to go pee. He always does that.
The Others were there for a lot longer than the Dharma Initiative. Eyepatchy calls The Others “The Hostiles”. But if The Others were there first, maybe that makes DI the hostiles.
Eyepatchy’s cat has the same name as Sayid’s old girlfriend. That’s interesting. The Others always seem to know stuff about the Non-Others’ pasts, so Eyepatchy sounds Othery.
Sayid agrees. And thinks Eyepatchy and his furry friend are not alone.
American Idol Six – Top 8 guys
Ok, sorry to not do last week’s results show, busy being a housewife and actually keeping things clean around here, blah blah blah… I promise the wait will be almost worth it, because I’m going to hit some highlights right here.
So. much. to snark in that elimination episode. It’s like the entertainment gods looked at me and said, “SarahK, you had a rough week. This one is for you.” I did. It was rough, and I kinda took some time off from blogging and did the bare minimum and relaxed my head.
Nearly died, reevaluated things a little… Plus I got a new anticonvulsant. I didn’t like how dumb the Topamax made me, plus the constant nosebleeds and complete numbness of hands when it gets cold were inconvenient. The new drug makes me go to sleep, and since last Thursday I’ve been napping nonstop. I need a good simile there but can’t find one. I must be slipping. Anyway.
Ok, so Kellie Pickler. Wow.
KP: Yeah, Ryan, I’ve bought stuff with my new American Idol money. Shoes. Just shoes and sushi.
RYAN [staring right at Kellie’s giant Dollys]: Just shoes? Nothing else?
SARAHK: And a big giant rack to store those shoes on.
And the hair and eye makeup. Next she was going to audition for understudy in the Best Little Whorehouse in North Carolina. Or greeter at Dollywood.
And yeah, they put real live wolf spiders in that sushi. Eat up. Fu-haaaaaaaake.
She was classic fake Kellie. Except not as tone-deaf as usual, which was a little disappointing. And I didn’t like that she sang the song that she co-wrote for her runaway mom, because even I have a heart about that and can’t make fun. Plus, the song has about three notes, which is even hard for that virtuoso to screw up. Especially when she was singing it at the volume of a spider’s whisper.
Then there were the eliminations and the boo-hooers. Are you kidding me? Every time the camera flashed away from Sundance, he pulled the glycerin drops out of his pocket and applied the drops. It was so funny to watch him and that awful spanish moss that hangs from his chin (dude, it’s called pesticide, look into it), because when the camera panned to him, he blinked really hard to make sure every drop of real live salty tears squeezed out of his eyes.
Then Gina Glocksen. When Leslie Hunt got eliminated, you could hear Gina wailing from the bench. And I know why, and I don’t blame her. I know everyone keeps calling Leslie the psycho girlfriend or something because of that wide-eyed stare, but Leslie is probably the closest to normal girl there was in the competition. And when Leslie got kicked off, Gina was thinking that now she’s stuck with that Armpits and Hi-Fives Haley Scarnato and Antonella who thinks she’s Jennifer Hudson with a Paris Hilton twist. I might have wailed, too, knowing who’s left. Leslie seemed relatively normal. Especially when she sang her last song and ended it with, “Why did I scat? America don’t like jazz!” That was fantastic, and I wanted her back. I want her for my next door neighbor, actually. She’s way too young to live in our neighborhood, though. But dear Gina. Get ahold of yourself. If you love her that much, exchange digits. Keep in touch. K-I-T.
Nick Pedro. No surprise there, he was so boring last week. But AJ Tabaldo? Even I was on board with his performance and took back all the fun-making from the previous week, and when he went home, and Brandon and that awful giant white tennisshoes wearing Carlton Jared with the argyle sweaters and the “Let’s Get it On” to his Grandma dedication got to stay, I was so disappointed.
The girls. Leslie, not really a surprise. Not a good song choice, and she didn’t have one of the stronger voices. Should have been Queen of the Armpits. Also Alaina went home. Ticktock, no shock. Oh, but she could not get through her song, because she is just going to miss her new bffs sooo much. So she gave it up. Sang about three seconds of the song and then practically threw down the microphone so she could hug everyone. Say, sweetie, you know you’ll get to see them after the show, right? I mean, for about five minutes until you have to clear out your hotel room and they have to pick out their songs for next week. But show some decorum.
I think that covers it. Now onto tonight.
UPDATE: I’m watching it again. It was that good. This is the 3rd or 4th watch for me. I’d forgotten that on “Joy to the World”, the group song, they had AJ sing the line, “You know I love the ladies…” I cracked up. I will not elaborate on why, because I’m really sad he left the show, I think he would have worked for it, and he left earlier than he should have. Oh, he was classy when Ryan told him he was leaving, too. AJ asked if he was shocked that he was leaving and not Sanjaya. AJ said something like, “No, I think he’s great.” That was cute at the end of his song when he said, “Call me.” Yes, Broadway. Call him, he’ll be great there. I’m not kidding. He’s perfect for Broadway. And Chris Richardson still forgot to use the microphone during the group sing. He did better tonight in the top 8, though. I’ve decided I don’t like Jordin Sparks. She’s always grinning like someone just gave her a brand-new puppy, no matter what. Oh yes. Alaina, when she got the ax. When Ryan read back Simon’s comment that she “ran out of steam”, Alaina leveled her eyes on Simon and said, “Clever.” Like he had tried to come up with the most witty quip and failed. No, sweetie, he just said what you did, and no need to be clever. I loved when she accidentally cut the mic cord, and all the sound went out. You couldn’t hear a word of Paula’s Wisdom for Life. I guess we’ll never know. sniff
HEROES SPOILER ALERT!
Only read the extended entry if you want to know who Linderman is…
American Idol Six – top 10 girls
Paula says that since the girls look gorgeous, they’re ready to sing tonight. Yes, because a pretty face and pretty clothes equal a great voice, as we saw with Kellie Pickler. cough cough
01– Gina Glocksen is dedicating to her boyfriend, and her dedication is sweet and all. She’s singing “Alone” by Heart, and this is going to have to be really good, because Carrie did this two years ago and brought down the house, even got Simon to give it up for her. Except Carrie had really bad hair when she did it. Oh, plus when I do this one at karaoke, I’m pretty good. Just sayin’. That reminds me of a story. At Rachel’s Halloween party this year, there were these people there that we had never met, and mind you, I sing Heart all the time, Heart is perfect for my range, I generally hog all the Heart songs at karaoke (we have a machine ourselves), and I usually handle their songs with ease, except maybe a few low notes that get in my way. Anyway, this neighbor lady from down the street, when she saw what song I was singing (“Alone”), said, “Wow, you’re going to attempt Ann Wilson?” and I just held my microphone, waited for my words to come onscreen, and said kinda offhandedly, “Yeah, I’m gonna give it a shot,” and could not look at Rachel, because if I’d looked at her, we would have shared a look and I would have laughed. We can both sing, and we know it. I mean, I’m no Kelly Clarkson, but I’m easily as good as half the girls in the top 10 tonight. So the neighbor lady was a little surprised when I got to the chorus. I thought it was funny, and Rachel and I laughed about it after the neighbor went home. We didn’t want to be rude and laugh to her face.
Oh wait, this isn’t the Talk About Me Hour. Yes, back to Gina and American Idol. Gina’s hair is good. Still with the red tints in the black hair, perfect for her. I’m not sure about the way she’s dressed, because if she’s wanting to be a rocker, the red satin knee-dress is a little nice, but then again, it’s red satin, and red satin is a little sassy. The pretty jewelry, though — maybe it should have been spikes? No wait, there are spiky bracelets, so she’s covered there. It’s ok. At least she didn’t get rid of the tongue bolt. But listen to me. Last week I said that she looked as pretty as a girl with a tongue bolt could look, so shut up SarahK. Ok, to the singing. I have to relisten. Beginning is good. Chorus is good until the big “Alone”s at the end. The first time through, I thought she was pitchy there, but she wasn’t. But screechy for sure on the last couple of notes. I was going to suggest she stay with this kind of song. Heart, Evanescence, the pipey chick rocker songs with mega vocals, but she’s gonna have to work on not screeching the high notes. I thought it was good, probably a little better than last week because this is a better song choice for her, but not fantastic. And not as good as Carrie Underwood did it.
Randy says yo yo awesome dawg, pitchy at the beginning but you worked it out. He points out Charlotte, the backup singer, who was awesome during the song. I notice Charlotte is wearing a Tenacious D t-shirt — hahaha, I love it! Gina thanks Charlotte. Good girl. Paula says we were surprised when Carrie did it, but man, excellent job. Simon says good song choice, very forced vocals at the end. And Simon is confused about Gina’s image, because he thought she was edgier than this when they put her through to the top 24, and he’s talking about the way she’s dressed, and Randy says maybe she should have worn all black. No, Randy, Carrie did that. Invites more comparisons to a better vocal.
Oh yay. Alaina is going to do the Dixie Chicks. You’re the next American Idol, Alaina. No really, you are. Because I don’t still cringe every time I hear the name of that band. Really, I don’t. Every time Natalie Maines opens her mouth she says something more infuriating than the previous time, so I think that no one at all will think about that while you’re singing. They’ll just judge you on your singing. I don’t know why we need patriotism, anyway. Oops, look at me, I’m doing it already.
Who coaches these kids on their song choice?
BTW, I think global warming caused by people is a steaming pile of bull feces. Mkay? And that train commercial is stupid and horrible for a family show. It scares children, you awful people. Shame on you.
American Idol Six – top 10 guys
Randy knows the guys are going to be a lot better than last week. Are you sure, Randy? Are you sure? I’m gonna hold you to that. Paula says have fun and own the song. Which means she’s gonna have fun with her Loopy Juice. Simon looks into her drink glass. Ryan calls Simon his friend, and Simon has no comment.
Tonight they are supposed to dedicate their songs to someone who inspires them. I feel a good cry and a load of sarcasm welling up inside me. I hope Chris Sligh dedicates his performance to The Hoff or Simon. Maybe AJ will dedicate his song to Ryan. A snarker can dream, right?
WH… Phil Stacey is up first, and I hope he can redeem himself the teeniest bit by dedicating his performance to his wife, whom he abandoned when she was nine months pregnant so he could audition for AI — she had to have the baby all alone. Nope. He’s still a big giant pinkytoe. Looks like one too. He dedicates it to his navy command or something. He’s trying to play up the military angle so we’ll like him. It’s not working on me. I LOVE the military, but why didn’t he ever mention it before? Suddenly he wants to play it up, because he knows all the girls hate him because of the baby thing. Maybe if it had been the Marines (no offense, Harvey — you know I heart you, but the Navy guys wear white all the time, and that does not work for me). Oh, and he’s singing “Missing You” by John Waite, also done very well by Tina Turner (I love that woman). It’s so stinking blah until the end, then it gets pretty good. One note is precarious, but he holds onto it and works it out, dawg. I don’t think this is great because most of the song is just boring. I think it’s a bad song choice. It’s not exciting me until the last few bars. Randy says yippie ki-yay, you’re hot and showing your power. Paula loves his tone and hears him on the radio. Paula, the radio is not on, check your vodka levels, sweetheart. Simon isn’t jumping out of his chair, loved the film piece about the military (sucker), doesn’t think he has originality at all, and is a very good karaoke singer right now. Ryan says but his popularity will help him, and Simon says don’t worry, you’ll be back next week. Good job with the reverse psychology, Simon. Wink wink. I thank you.
They’ve flashed to Jeff Foxworthy in the audience multiple times.
American Idol Six – top 24 results show
We were at Disney World Thursday night when all my American Idol predictions came true, but I’m rewatching the results show now (we watched Friday night when we got home), and I have things to say!
So here they are.
They announced all the guest stars who will be appearing this season. Let’s discuss. Or let’s me talk and you listen.
Diana Ross. Oh, I can’t wait for that tragedy of a disco night. I could make myself a big pot of coffee to stay awake, but excess caffeine is bad for my epilepsy. Stupid neurological diseases! No wait, why am I mad at my brain waves? Stupid bad disco nights on American Idol that make me want to fall into a deep sleep and dream about cherry blossom trees and purple unicorns! Why must they taunt me?
Jon Bon Jovi. Sweet! One of those teeny-bopping wailers (probably Jordin) will sing “Wanted Dead or Alive” in a full-length, sparkly, long red evening gown. Mark those words, y’all, I’m tellin’ ya. But she’ll replace “cowboy” with “cowgirl”, and she’ll smile ear-to-ear like “look how clever I am!” when “cowgirl” comes out of her mouth, and her adoring fans will giggle and cheer. I won’t be cheering. I’ll be looking for this permalink so I can remind y’all of when I said this. Chris Sligh will sing an obscure song that wouldn’t make the greatest hits album, and Randy will pretend to have loved that song for years, dawg.
J-Lo. A.J. Trabaldo will try to sing “Love Don’t Cost a Thing”, but we will have such a hard time understanding him that we will think he’s singing “my oven tone caught touching”. No wait, I take it back. If he makes the top 12, there is no justice in the world. Why yes. That is the only J-Lo song I know. It would be torturous to know more.
Continue reading ‘American Idol Six – top 24 results show’ »
American Idol Six – Top Twelve girls
Ryan is trying to lie and say that there was a good start to the competition last night. Lie. Ur.
After the recap, Ryan starts in being a complete pinkytoe to Simon. And now starts the Seacrest Simon Smoochy Hour. Ryan is picking and picking and picking, trying to get Simon to admit that Chris Sligh got under his skin. Listen, Miss Seacrest. I’ll tell you how I saw it, and I am the Lovely and Talented SarahK, so after I make my judge’s ruling, you can shut your piehole and remember that you’re just the host and not the talent. If you don’t chill out (because really, something has got stuck in yer craw, as we say in Texas upon occasion), I’m going to accuse Joy Behar (a talentless hack) of being able to take you in a witting contest with half her comedy tied behind her back, and that idiot is a one-joke pony (Dick Cheney is evil! Halliburton did it! Duh-hur-hur!! Ba-dum-ching!). Anyway, listen up, Seacrest. You were trying to take Cowell to your girly mat because you wanted to know about random college singings, and Simon told you to put a sock in it. You kept badgering him and annoying me. Chris, the long-forgotten judgee, whose judging time you were usurping with your inanity, said, “hey guys, remember me? Il Divo and Teletubbies!” and Simon stopped arguing with you for half a second. it looked like he was ticked off at you for forgetting your place and getting him off his rhythm, because had you kept quiet during the Simon Segment, Simon would have been able to come up with something razor-sharp to counter with. Instead, he had to settle for the butter knife that made fun of Chris’s weight. But hey, Chris asked for it. After that, Simon stopped talking.
Get OVER yourself, Miss Ryan. Love ya.
On to the girls.
IDOLS 01… Stephanie Edwards is first. She looks pretty in a purply blue and brown knee-length dress. Hmm, I didn’t really critique the boy clothing last night, did I? Well, except Foot Fungus Freak Paul Kim, who needs shoes. She sounds really good. Has great stage presence, is owning the stage. I would have hoped for a better song than this. “How Come You Don’t Call Me Anymore” by Alicia Keys. Nice run at the end. She barely made that last note, I mean she crawled toward it like Seacrest toward a snappy comeback, and she only squeaked by. But she really came out swinging and didn’t go safe like the safety guys of Tuesday night. That last note really hurt my ears, though. Especially on the replay. I think I’ll vote for her. Randy loved her even though she was pitchy dawg but can learn from it. Paula says she’s a star. Simon says she’s better than everything, better than the guys last night (who all clap and nod and smile and pretend that they’re happy for her), better than herself, better than sex and chocolate and Paula’s vodka and unicorns and definitely better than Seacrest. Simon thought it was a good song choice. I disagree, but whatever. She sang it mostly well.
American Idol Six – Top 12 Guys
Finally we have arrived at the voting rounds in the Idol studio. Thank goodness. And tonight is a 2-hour Idol. Two hours! The girls tomorrow night, and Thursday night two girls and two guys go home. We wittle them down fast now.
Ryan asks Randy about all the heat he’s been taking this season for being so hard on contestants. Randy says he’s just being more honest, and Ryan asks if he’s just been lying all along. SarahK says yeah, dawg. Yeah. Paula’s gonna have to be all more supportive and stuff, uh huh, and more happy seal clappy, yes. Ryan asks Simon if all of the Grammys, #1 hits, plus Jennifer Hudson’s Oscar nod put more pressure on the contestants because the show is more valid blah blah blah… Simon says “Yes.” Ryan was hoping Simon would expound, so he asks how the contestants should navigate the scary, raging American Idol river of pressure or some equally bad metaphor. Simon says, “Sing well.” Yes, I agree, Simon, let’s get to it, shall we?
Oh, my insides are all torn up. Y’all don’t ever get diseases of the small intestine, ok? Not fun, dawg. Not fun.
After the break, the guys get to share share share their audition memories. Rudy Cardenas says that being a professional musician means eating Ramen noodles & mac & cheese. So not for celiacs, then?
IDOLS 01… Rudy is singing “Free Ride”, and the first several bars are completely unintelligible. Completely. In fact, I can’t tell what he’s singing until he says “come on and take a free ride”. After the chorus, I again can’t tell what he’s singing. It was campy, there was very little charisma, and come on. This is your one shot to show America who you are, and you come out here and sing a boring, overdone song that they play on TV commercials every five minutes? Terrible song choice, no enunciation, an awful bore. Ok, so he blew it. Unless someone else totally tanks, I think he’s out.
After the break, Chris Sligh says that tonight is all about the guys looking pretty. Ryan is all, “Ok, you stay over there…” (so I can join you later…) Ryan is so in love.
IDOLS 02… Brandon Rogers is the one who sang backup for Christina and Usher and others, and now he’s ready to take the spotlight. Ok, when the lights come up he’s already singing, which is weird, and he’s singing all slow and low, and I think he’s going for a sultry effect, but really I’m just confused yet waiting for something big. Then the tempo picks up, and he is singing “I Wanna Rock with You”. He’s on pitch the whole song, that’s fine. Smooth, velvety voice. Enunciation is way better than that guy who went first (too forgettable to name, and it would require scrolling for me to find the name for you… Well, yes, I do realize I could have scrolled in the time that I typed all this about scrolling, but see my hands and wrists didn’t have to move for me to keep typing). Very warm, charming, sexy. Yes, woohoo, but I have to say, I was incredibly underwhelmed by his entire performance. I kept waiting for him to bust out and start belting some notes into the atmosphere. I felt like the song was pitched too low for him. I hope I’m not detecting a Studdardesque laziness in him. Eh, I think he’ll stay, but for me it wasn’t vote-worthy. He’ll be safe on his smile alone, though.
American Idol — Cut to 24 — Dun Dun Dunnnnn
So here we go. They don’t actually have any singing competitions to get from the cut to 40 that they did last night to the cut to 24 that they’re doing tonight. It’s just something so the 40 kids can get really excited and think they made it, but then for 16 of them, the judges say, “Oh no, not you. Sorry to get you all lathered up for your deluxe pedicure just to tell you that you don’t even get a basic foot rub.”
Sanjaya Malakar. Of course, we know he’s going through. He’s a great voice. Could stand to eat a sandwich, because half of him is split off into his twin sister, but sings well whether he throws up all his meals or not. I kid; no, I’m not starting a rumor that he’s bulimic, I’m just making a joke that he’s skinny, give the poor kid a break. I’m just envious, come on! I’d kill for that fluffy hair, too! Anyway, he’s in.
Anna Kearns is the girl who says she’s 6’13” with heels or something, and I don’t think she’s going to Hollywood. And I’m right, she’s out.
Bernard Williams is someone I’ve never even seen, so I’m thinking he’s out. Yes, he’s out. Someone named Eric Davis is out. All of the contestants who are left are pretending to be sad when the contestants get eliminated, but really in their minds they’re saying, hey, that’s one more slot that’s open for me!
Oh, that makes me sad. Tami Gosnell is out. She’s the pedicab driver from what, San Francisco? Auditioned in Memphis or something? I don’t quite remember, but she was soulful, modest, original, I thought she was one of the better auditions, and definitely one of the better girls. Maybe she didn’t undress enough for the show. Shame on AI. I think I would have voted for her often.
Frank and I are wondering about the opera girl, Rachel Zevita, from New York. She was an early favorite of ours, and we haven’t heard anything of her since her audition. Nothing in Hollywood week that I remember. Her myspace page hasn’t been updated (Frank googled her, no, I’m not stalking her, so shut UP!).
Melinda Doolittle, the backup singer, is staying for the voting. Simon has very nice things to say to her and tells her it was unanimous, and she’s earned her spot at the front of the stage. Hugs and kisses all around. Mwah!
Brandon Rogers, the other backup singer, comes in, and they show his Hollywood week stuff. He is singing that Bryan Adams song about really loving a woman. Um, please keep him. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease. Yay! They’re keeping him!
The contestants so far seem more mature this year than last year. The ones they’re letting through, anyway. I mean voices, not necessarily attitudes. Or whatever. I’m judging before the first commercial break. Shut up SarahK. Shut UP!
Continue reading ‘American Idol — Cut to 24 — Dun Dun Dunnnnn’ »
American Idol — Hollywood week! Yay!
We’re finally out of the auditions.
And — SPOILER ALERT FOR CSI: HORATIO — THAT WAS SUCH AN AWESOME EPISODE! Yes, we just finished it and are just now going to watch AI, but first, lemme gush. What an awesome ending, when Horatio nailed Clavo and Clavo totally looked surprised by it? Fantastic. I heart Horatio Caine! And Yay Yay Yay for Delko not being dead! But so so sad about him thinking Marisol is alive. When he asked Calleigh about Marisol. Oh. My heart. Oh, and how dumb is Boa Vista? When she saw the uncut diamond on the floor, I immediately said out loud, “Uncut diamond!” and Boa Vista said, “Piece of glass?” like you ever just see one solitary piece of glass laying on the floor like that. Like someone just dropped it on their way through to the recycle bin. I think I’ll lay this piece of glass here. ?? Ditz. And y’all don’t even start about David Caruso. He totally RAWKS!
Ahem. On to Idol.
Uhhh. Is that Katharine McPhee’s CD cover? Suh-LUTT! I’m not saying she is one, I’m just saying that’s what she looks like in that picture. Gen-you-wine bona fide slut.
Okay. Day 1 is the girls. They do a quick run-through of six girls, and some of them sound good, some bad, none awful, none great. They axe the whole first group. Bam. Wow, that’ll make everyone else take notice. I think the only one I was surprised to see leave so early is Jory Steinberg.
Next. I expect this Perla Meneses girl to leave quickly. As fast as the first row. Oh good grief. Please don’t put Salma Penelope Hayek Cruz through to the voting. Yikes, they kept her over more talented people. I mean really. Her over Jory Steinberg and that Rachel girl? And the other girls who can actually sing? This is a singing competition, Simon, not a gyrating competition. Simon warns her that she’s more style over talent or something, blah blah blah, and she’s crying, and you know what? Maybe one of those girls who got sent home will trade with you. Suck it up.
Baylie Brown, who my bff thinks looks exactly like my sister, sounds great. I’m glad she’s staying. She’s my pick for the final 12 girls.
Nicole and Nicole’s mom. Um, you didn’t make it. Leave. They look so pathetic when they beg. And even worse when they make their moms beg.
BTW, 24 blogging should return tomorrow. Should. I might do last night’s episode tomorrow.
No Fox News mornings for me at all
I love Megyn Kendall (or however you spell that), but since I can’t bear to watch Bill Hemmer (I just don’t have it in me to say why this morning, but it has to do with what I suppose his IQ to be), and y’all know how I feel about Gretchen and Brian in the mornings… Supposedly E.D. will be pushed to 11. They sure are pushing her around a lot these days, no?
Yeah, Fox has plunged into pure suckitude. So now I have a dilemma. E.D. Hill at 11? or the View?
::ducks::
Yeah, yeah. I Tivo the View anyway. I do. I love watching trainwrecks. And I love arguing with people in my head, and Joy Behar provides endless hours of fantastical arguing pleasure for me. Not to mention the joy I get from watching Rosie not grasp how twisted her logic is.
So when will it be enough for E.D.? When is her contract up? Do y’all think she’s just waiting for that and already knows where she’s headed? Today she’s not even on. It’s that Bridgette lady who disappeared last year.
Attention Greg Gutfeld:
You be nicer to your mom, or I’m gonna start snarking your show. But please do stay on the air, because I think Frank has agreed to Tivo your show the night before and play it in the morning, which means I will no longer be subjected to Fox & Friends against my will when I wake up. And I do so appreciate that.