By the time President Trump gets done appointing Supreme Courts justices through his second term, gun ownership will be mandatory and all magazines will have to hold a MINIMUM of 10 rounds.

President Trump offered to send American troops to Mexico’s southern border to help secure it against illegal immigrants from Central America. Also, the plan includes passing the troops through Mexico City as conquerors and declaring Mexico our 51st state. Bonus: the border wall will only have to be 500 miles long now.

President Trump announced that he was in favor of sanctuary cities for illegal immigrants, as long as such cities consisted of apartments with locked barred doors and were surrounded by brick walls and razor-wire topped fences, like the City of San Quentin.

Democrats don’t realize that if they ever impeached President Trump, all it would do is give him the ability to whisper campaign advice into Mike Pence’s ear from the spirit world using the Force.

Oddly, while there is no Nostradamus prophecy predicting Donald Trump’s presidency, there is one about Hillary Clinton’s 2016 loss. Although some scholars still insist that one’s actually about the Great Fire of London.

President Trump told AOC to acquaint herself with Adam Smith. She started watching old Batman reruns.

President Trump proposed a Constitution “short enough to tweet”. It reads simply “If you want it, pay for it yourself”. Most Democrats will be up for impeachment just getting their morning coffee. This is a feature, not a bug.

The way these guys keep wanting free stuff, you’d think they were celebrating their 40th birthday today like Frank J.

Impeachment: the football President Trump holds while Democrats come running up to kick it.

There is no truth to the rumor that, on President Trump’s desk, is a small, intricately-carved ebony and inlaid-pearl box containing a tiny portion of the souls of all those he has angered by mean-tweeting them. It’s actually a warehouse in Alexandria.

President Trump is reportedly making a fortune on his new app that sells pre-carbon-offset effigies of him for liberals to burn. He’s thinking of taking up smoking just so that he can light cigars with all the $100 bills.

President Trump has a recurring nightmare: Nancy Pelosi is giving all the evidence she has of Trump covering up Russian collusion – and Trump’s not allowed to laugh out loud.

Concerned that his “Crazy Nancy” nickname for Pelosi isn’t irritating her enough, President Trump announced that, going forward, whenever he speaks to her, he will do so while eating a carrot and addressing her as “Doc”.

President Trump offered Congressional Democrats a deal: every new section of border wall will have one word printed on it from the unredacted Mueller Report.

President Trump sent CNN a stopped clock and doubled their accuracy rating.

President Trump says he is sick and tired of being accused of colluding with numbers and math to make socialism not work.