You have questions. Dr. Duck has answers. That’s the way things work around here.
Sure, IMAO has had more suicide attempts than Guantanamo Bay. Sure, we’d make a cheap laugh at your expense (Note: Please visit cafe press and buy our new Laughing at Your Expense T-shirt. It’s expensive – but that’s the point.)
However, I can honestly say, that reading this blog is much more interesting that watching the latest zero-zero tie at the World Cup.
Every once in a while, a glimmer of hope arises and Dr. Duck emerges to answer the questions that keep you up at night. So go ahead and ask Dr. Duck what you need to know. Politics. Romance. Auto Mechanics. Electronics. 18th Century Middle Eastern Art.
Dr. Duck cares.
Disclaimer. Dr. Duck doesn’t give damn. Disclaimer to the disclaimer. Dr. Duck cares. Don’t listen to the dislaimer. Original disclaimer: Don’t tell me what I feel. How dare you invalidate my feelings. Disclaimer to the disclaimer: I’m not invalidating your feelings. I was only saying that it’s rude to tell people you don’t care. Original disclaimer: But what If I don’t. What if I’m so busy with life, a job that’s disappearing, and a full load at school. What then? Disclaimer to the disclaimer: Who cares what you feel? Make with the funny. Original disclaimer: Who do you think you are? Frank J? You can’t boss me around! You’re not the boss of me! Disclaimer to the Disclaimer. I wasn’t bossing you around. I just mentioned that maybe saying you don’t give a damn isn’t a nice thing to say. What do you think? Original Disclaimer: I don’t give a damn.
Answers will post on Friday.
I’ve heard that the US can take care of its interests in the Middle East by redeploying troops to Okinawa. If that’s true, why can’t I get a Big Mac with fries from Pizza Hut?
I just don’t understand something, I guess. I need to know because it keeps me up at night. Dr Duck… why is that I Drive on a Parkway, but I Park on a Driveway? Follow up question… Why is it that when something is moved by car, its a shipment, but when it goes by ship, its cargo?
Please put these questions to rest once and for all… I haven’t slept in 23 years.
what is this “World Cup”? Why should I care? Why don’t I care? There should be only 1 football, can we arrange some sort of deathmatch to prove that American football truly is better than its European rival? please!
Why is it that Muslims can go around torturing people and chopping off their heads, and they are called “freedom fighters”, but when I do the same things I am called a “suspected serial killer”? Do I just need to mention Allah more?
What are the rails in the handicapped crapper really there for?
Which poetry is superior: Geoffrey Chaucer’s “Canterbury Tales,” or Omar Khayyam’s “Rubaiyat”?
…and why can’t a lovable individual like Monkey Faced Liberal find a boyfriend? I mean, really, why?
Why do really rich people like Mark Cuban, Bill Gates and Donald Trump have such awful haircuts? I mean, it looks like their mommies still sit them on stools on the back porch. (Well, not Trump. His intricate comb-over is truly a feat of engineering.)
How many moonbats DOES it take to screw in a lightbulb? I mean, I know one can screw it UP, but how many to screw it IN?
I think I have a workable solution to illegal immigration and need your advice on its effectiveness. A trade! We take in the good, hard working illegals and in exchange we send the homeless, liberals, and people that just do not want to work but instead get their government checks. A 1:1 trade. Seems fair to me.
Another question. What is the correct answer when a wife asks “how does this look?” when referring to ANYTHING she is wearing or plans to wear?
How long is it until FrankJ gets published? How long after that until his head is swollen to Elephant Man size?
Captamerica:
Look for a new, required additional vertical rail at the end of the side rail at all your local crappers soon. The question might be, “How are our handicapped people evolving, and into what?”
Dear Dr. Duck,
Where the heck have you been?
The Random Yak:
Moonbats can’t fit in a lightbulb. But it only takes 2 to screw and it can happen just about anywhere.
Given that after 9 months, Louisiana’s governor has finally sent national guard to help with the hurricane, how soon can I expect the arrival of the national guard for the 1994 Northridge earthquake?
What’s the plural of mongoose?
Dr. Duck,
If we can’t question John Murtha’s patriotism (or sanity) because he’s a veteran, then why are Benedict Arnold and Lee Harvey Oswald so villified?
Dr. Duck,
Regarding the saying “Only the good die young.”
What is the cutoff age before one is no longer considered “young”?
Does that mean that those past that age are evil bastards?
c: we call them handicrappers. and will the vertical rail have a roll of tp on it?
I saw an add for a solar powered bird feeder. Why would a bird feeder require power? Since MY bird feeders are unpowered does that mean I need to close a feedergap?
cap’n a,
the word “handicapped” is considered derogatory. Therefore they aren’t “handicrappers” they are “Crapper Challenged.”
Is it true that Monkey Faced Liberal is really Frank J. parodying a left wing troll on his left wing parody of a right wing blog parody of a left wing parody of a right wing humor blog?
Hail Chthulu,
Monkey Faced Liberal
Dear Dr Duck,
Do you own any books? Are they any good?
Thanks.
“Laughing at Your Expense” T-shirt.
Cool, You have one of those now.
Now you need an, “It’s Not Funny until Someone Gets Hurt!” T-shirt
Your disclaimer is the very best disclaimer I have ever read. Excellent work.
Why are hot dog buns sold in packs of 10 and hot dogs only sold in packs of 8?
Is it true if you expose a liberal to the truth that they will shrivel up a la vampires in the sunlight?
And
Is there a correct answer to the question all husbands dread, “Does this make me look fat?”
Off topic but, I just had to share this, Mentos & Diet Coke
Sorry, You will need a high speed connection
Dr. Duck, what is one half of Tuesday + Thursday – Wednesday?
Is 42 really the answer to life, the universe, and everything.
The frightening part is the number 42 may actually be significant.
Prime Numbers Get Hitched
It’s all yours Dr. Duck. I don’t really understand any of it.
Bah! This question has caused me to execute my entire staff, three of my cousins and fourteen members of a United Nations fact finding team.
Why do you capitalist pigs keep sending that grinning dullard Ex-Presidente (for life) Jimmy Carter to monitor our obviously fair and democratic people’s elections?
Ever since my opponents simultaneously fell down three flights of stairs while hitting themselves in the head with hammers while also slipping in the tub on bars of soap cutting themselves shaving with hedge-trimmers in a tragic grain elevator explosion our election results have always been found to have been accurately recounted by myself over and over, even at gunpoint in a secret location.
Yet, Jimmy Carter, is like a demented prairie dog that keeps popping up to monitor our elections! Every time you turn your back – up he pops to chatter that our foriegn aid will cease if we won’t allow him to hold a press conference or build one of those crappy low rent houses. DAMN HIM!
Who is in charge of monitoring your Ex-Presidente (for life) Jimmy Carter’s medication and why can’t they administer a coma inducing triple dosage to all active members of your current capitalist swine American Legislative Branch so they’ll stop pestering the known universe?
Rove’s lawyer is an old Bill Clinton Democrat insider lawyer who is anti-war, mafia linked, and helped present Clinton’s impeachment defense.
Jack Abramoff’s lawyer is also an old Bill Clinton Democrat insider lawyer who has worked for organized crime.
Why would any high-value target Republican choose Clinton’s Democrat lawyers to rely on? Isn’t that legal suicide for an important Republican?
Rove’s lawyer: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/06/AR2005120601689.html
Abramoff’s lawyer: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/politics/special/clinton/stories/lowell100698.htm
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/05/AR2006010502391.html?nav=rss_print/style
Infidel Castrol
That was pretty good.
I see you also suffer from spontaneous attacks of comedic derangement. I’ve thought of something extremely dumb and feel the need to inflict my thoughts on others. Know the feeling.
Dear Dr. Duck,
I’m hopelessly in love with the girl car (patterned after the movie “Cars”) on the TV commercial about something or other–I’m not sure what the commercial was about; I’m too distracted by her red color and her lines! When she skids sideways to look at the Hummer, I just go –ooooo. My question is: if this were to get out; how would it affect my chances at winning the Eugene, Oregon, city manager position, come Election Day?
As far as the electrical question, since the dimly lit light bulb above my head that thought up this idea for a question is in serious need of re-wiring; what gauge of wire and what amperage of circuit breaker should I use?
–Pork & Beans–
Dear Dr. Duck,
Should I believe in evolution? Ann Coulter says no, but this blog seems to be more atheistic. What is the true origin of man (and duck)?
Thanks!
Dear Dr. Duck,
Spacemonkey seems to be obsessed with gravy. Should we worry about that?
Why is it the same people who can’t be involved in military action against an incontrovertible madman are able and willing to fight, fuss and kill at a “football game.”
Some people need to sort out their priorities.
Is Barney getting jealous about this dog following the president around?
s Barney getting jealous about s Barney getting jealous about s Barney getting jealous about s Barney getting jealous about s Barney getting jealous about s Barney getting jealous about s Barney getting jealous about s Barney getting jealous about <a href=”http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/060621/481/62912c0ac3384a0387cc336f30ff178c” following the president around?
ooops
Which DVD format do you think will become the standard within the next five years: HD-DVD or Blu-Ray?
If soccer had not been invented, would it have been necessary for it to exist?
captamerica:
There are many restrictions to how close you can mount a roll of toilet paper next to a grab bar. In this case I think it’s 1-1/2″ clear. So . . . unfortunately, can’t mount the TP directly on the new grab bar.
BTW, FormerHostage, they are technically “wheelchair accessible compartments.” The new word for Handicapped is “persons with disabilities”, for which you must make things “accessible.” This will probably change in a couple years.
as a mexican-american, for which team would you root in this match: USA vs Mexico in case of:
1. USA has all LEGAL American team players.
2. USA has partially illegal immigrant players, all from mexico.
3. USA has partially illegal immigrant players not from mexico.
1) How do birds see fish underwater without Polaroid sunglasses?
2) What if the hokey-pokey really IS what it’s all about?