I’ve decided to find out for myself if Jonah Goldberg is worthy of my admiration. Thus, it’s time to see if he can stand up to…
THE HATE MAIL!
My first hate mail to Michael Moore was so devastating that it left him speechless. My second hate mail… well… never got e-mailed since Moore’s mailbox was constantly full – probably with lot’s of hate mail (though none as rambling and incoherent as mine, I guarantee you). Now it’s time to test Jonah’s fortitude by subjecting him to my wrath.
First, though, I must set myself in the mindset of a liberal so that I can properly hate Jonah.
Duh, no blood for oil! Free Mumia! Bush is Hitler! I like tofu!
There, mindset achieved. And now to compose…

From: imao@cfl.rr.com
To: JonahNRO@aol.com
Subject: This is not hate mail
Ha! Fooled you! This is hate mail!
Your ideas are different from mine which makes you not just wrong… but evil! And your columns are horrible and no one likes them. Everyone just acts like they like them because they’re too afraid to tell you the truth and hurt your feelings. Well I’m not afraid – You suck! Also, many times you have improperly quoted the Simpsons, perhaps the worst case of journalistic neglect in this nation’s history.
And everyone else at National Review hates you – Ramesh told me so. He’ll probably deny it if you ask him… but it’s true!
So, in summary, you are wrong and evil, write bad columns, sometimes improperly quote the Simpsons, and everyone hates you.
The purpose of this e-mail was to make you feel bad, so, if that happened, please write back telling me so that I may know I was victorious. If it failed to make you feel bad, please tell me that as well so I can improve my hate mail in the future. Thanks.
-Frank J.
http://imao.us
P.S. Are you related to that wrestler? No no… not that wrestler; the one from the Slim Jim commercials. What’s his name… uh… Oh yeah! Macho Man Randy Savage! You kinda look and sound like him.

Ha! Let’s see how he takes that. My guess it will reduce him to a quivering mass, allowing me to replace him at NRO. Muh ha ha ha!

It’s Sunday, which means it’s time to tell filthy lies about Stephen Green.
Just look at his blogroll! There’s like every damn blog in the blogosphere on there, but which one is conspicuously missing? So blatantly missing that it’s almost a statement of, “Hey, look at me! I didn’t link to this guy!” That’s right; IMAO. It’s just like that scene in Austin Powers 3 where Dr. Evil said, “Everyone leave the room except for…” and then named everybody except for Mini-Me. I think he made his whole blogroll as an affront to me. Well, I won’t stand idly by! Time for lies!

I saw Stephen Green in the bar area of a restaurant, so I walked up and said, “Hey, it’s Stephen Green, famous blogger! I’d like to buy you a drink.”
“Thanks,” he responded.
Then the waitress came by, so I told her, “I’ll have a double whiskey with a beer chaser, and Stephen Green will have…”
“A Shirley Temple,” he said, to my surprise.
“What?” I exclaimed, “Wouldn’t you want vodka?”
“Oh,” he chuckled, “That’s just for fun on my website; I don’t actually drink any alcoholic beverages. Alcohol tastes awful; bleh!”
“Are you joking?” I asked, quite befuddled.
“And alcohol makes you do crazy things, so be careful. That’s why I sometimes suddenly disappear from blogging for short periods; it’s so I can give lectures on the dangers of alcohol.”
“You sicken me,” I shot back at him and left the bar to drink whiskey at home.

And here is horribly photoshopped evidence that doesn’t prove anything:

So there is your lie: Stephen Green hates alcoholic beverages! Tell all the other bloggers! Tell the Russians! Tell Absolut!
That will teach him for singling me out for non-linkage.

It’s Saturday, which means it’s time to tell filthy lies about Andrew Sullivan.
“Hey! Look at me! I’m Andrew Sullivan I used to write for the New York Times! I made $80,000 dollars in donations 6 months ago and now I want more money!”
That’s the idea behind his pledge week, which makes me so mad I almost wish I hadn’t donated $20 to him. I probably should have spread this filthy lies before his pledge week, thus leaving more money to be donated to me (or spent on shirts), but now it’s even more spiteful to put out a lie because it makes no sense. Anyway, here is the filthy lie:

So I was attending this big party, and it looked like it was going to be a lot of fun, but, when I first got there, I didn’t see any women. “This isn’t a gay party, is it?” I inquired hesitantly.
“Might as well be,” said one man angrily, “Andrew Sullivan is here.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” I shot back, surprised by what I thought was his homophobia.
The guy then led me to another room where there was Andrew Sullivan, getting it on with every woman at the party! He was making crass moves on all the ladies, drinking domestic beer, and getting in fights with any man who approached him. The guy was a total, flaming hetero!
“Hey, Andrew Sullivan, I thought you were supposed to be gay,” I said to him.
“Nah!” he answered, slapping a nearby woman on the ass, “That’s just shtick I made up to get hired by the Times. Now go get me another beer, bitch.”
He then shook his fist at me threateningly, so I got him his beer. Everyone then tried to enjoy the party, but Andrew Sullivan was just a little too much. He kept acting all macho and tried to make out with every woman there to the point that it became too distracting. Finally, I got the courage to go and talk to him.
“Now, Andrew Sullivan, I like sex with women just as much as the next guy, but you have to turn your heterosexuality down a notch. Everyone is staring at you.”
“You want a fight with me, pussy?” Andrew Sullivan yelled.
“You see! That’s exactly what I’m talking about!” I shot back, “It’s that kind of behavior that gives us heterosexuals a bad name.”
He then hit me with a beer bottle.
Well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Come on – a conservative homosexual? That just doesn’t make any sense. Why would a homosexual want low taxes, gun rights, and a strong foreign policy? That’s just silly.

Now here’s poorly photoshopped photographic evidence of him getting it on with the ladies to back up the lie:

Okay, I was too lazy to use Photoshop; that’s just Eminem. I think it’s good enough evidence, though.
So there is your filthy lie: Andrew Sullivan is a flaming hetero. Tell all the bloggers. Tell his donors. Tell the New York Times… no wait; no one believes them anymore. Tell the New York Post!
That will teach him for successfully making money with a blog.
Oh yeah, and buy my t-shirt.
UPDATE: A reader, Ryan Sullivan (hmm), has sent in properly photoshopped evidence.

Now the lie is complete. Muh ha ha ha!

It’s Saturday, and thus it’s time for the final filthy lie about Glenn Reynolds.
I think I peaked with my first one when I claimed he put puppies in blenders, but I continued on to say he is a Satan worshipping hobo murderer and that he is a Communist spy who dances the robot. You can see his traffic on a downward slope from all these lies, but I think I’ll finish it off with the worstest lie of all:

I was walking through the park again, and I saw Glenn Reynolds and was going to avoid that evil man, but he sped up to me on his moped.
“Not so fast,” Glenn Reynolds said, “I have business for you.”
“What? What could you want with good ‘ole honest Frank J., you horrible man?”
“I just had a big puppy shake and am bursting with energy,” he said with a demonic grin, “So I’ve decided to punch you, since you represent all that is good in pure in blogging and I represent all that is evil.”
“If you do, I’ll use my aikido skills against you,” I threatened back, holding my ground.
“Bah! If you fight back, I’ll call the police. And whom will they believe? Someone who get only a couple thousand visitors a day, or someone who get tens of thousands of visitors a day? That’s right, you have to just stand there and take it like a bitch!”
So he punched me, the beloved Frank J. He hit like a girl, but it was still humiliating.
“Muh ha ha ha!” he laughed so evilly it curdled one’s blood, “I’m Glenn Reynolds! No one can stop me! No one!” He then eyed a nearby transient. “Except maybe that hobo; I better go murder him.” He then zoomed off on his moped.

Here’s more poorly made photographic evidence of this crime against humanity:

So here is the final filthy lie to spread: Glenn Reynolds is a puppy blending, Satan worshipping, hobo murdering, robot dancing Communist spy who punched your beloved Frank J. Tell the news, tell congress, tell other bloggers even; the lie must spread and his traffic must plunge for reasons I’ve now forgotten. But I think I’m going to laugh evilly anyway.
Bwa ha ha ha ha!
So what do I do next Saturday? I guess I could spread lies about other bloggers such as Misha (not actually an emperor) and Rachel (not actually a woman), but I want it to be a really big target like Glenn Reynolds. Hmm…

It’s Saturday, so once again it’s time to spread filthy lies about Glenn Reynolds!
Now everyone know that not only does Glenn Reynolds puts puppies in blenders, but that he also worships Satan and murders hobos, and it looks to me like his traffic has declined once again. At this rate, he’ll have negative 20,000 unique visitors by the end of the year, but, to be on the safe side, here’s a new filthy lie:

So I was taking a walk through the park when suddenly I saw Glenn Reynolds talking to an Asian man. All I caught was the end of the conversation where the Asian man told Glenn Reynolds, “Thank you, comrade.”
“What was that about,” I asked Glenn Reynolds.
“I was just talking to someone from the Chinese government.”
“Getting inside information to do an expose on Chinese human rights abuses?” I inquired.
“Of course not,” he laughed, “I was giving him information. I had gotten my hands on some government secrets that I thought would help the Chinese fight our capitalist nation.”
“Why?” I exclaimed.
“Because I looooove Communism!” he said, pumping his fist in the air, “Down with liberty! Down with the free market system!”
“You pinko scum!” I yelled, “I’ll stop you!”
He answered me with mocking laughter. “Someone whose website gets as much traffic as mine can do whatever he wants. I’m untouchable! I’m Glenn Reynolds! Now I must celebrate.”
He then started doing the robot dance and singing this rap song:
“I’m Glenn Reynolds and it’s puppies I drink,
And I like to kill hobos because they stink.
Gotta give props to Satan ’cause he’s an evil guy;
It was through his help I became a Communist spy.”
Though I’ve heard better rapping, his robot dance was quite good. Finishing his grotesque celebration, he hopped on his moped and sped off laughing evilly all the way.

And here is yet more unconvincing photographic evidence of my blatant lie:

I also wanted to have an animated .gif of him doing the robot dance, but my photoshopping skills just aren’t that good.
Anyway, here is the new filthy lie to spread: Glenn Reynolds is a puppy blending, Satan Worshipping, hobo murdering, Communist spy who does a better than average robot dance. Now go out and spread the word, especially making sure the FBI knows. They’ll put out a report saying, “Make sure not to visit Glenn Reynolds’s site; he’s probably collecting information on you to give to the Chinese Communists. Instead, visit IMAO.us, which, if anything, makes Communists know even less than they did before after they’ve read it.”
Muh ha ha ha! Soon all the traffic in the blogosphere will be mine!
UPDATE: Fritz of On the Fritz made this animated .gif proving Glenn Reynolds dances the robot – or some similar dance – thus proving all the lies I’ve said.

It’s Saturday, so once again it’s time to spread filthy lies about Glenn Reynolds!
By now, everyone knows how he likes to put puppies into blenders. He was so shaken by it, that he hit me with some sort of DoS attack on Monday. But look at his traffic since this scandal came out on April 19th; that looks down from the previous week to me. It’s working, but I think with another push soon he’ll only get like 3 visitors a week – fellow puppy blenders. So here is the new dirty, filthy lie:

I ran into Glenn Reynolds again the other day, and you can’t believe what he told me. First I just asked him, “Hey, Glenn Reynolds, how do you keep up such a great site, updating it all the time and finding all those links?”
“I only find the power through my deep faith,” he answered proudly.
“You’re a dedicated Christian?”
“No, I’m a Satanist!” he laughed, raising his arms into the air, “Thank you for my traffic, my dark lord!”
“You can’t worship Satan!” I exclaimed in shock. “Satan is a bad man!”
“You’re right; I can’t worship Satan… until I first murder a hobo in his evil name!” Glenn Reynolds then laughed even more evilly.
“But hobos are people, too!”
“As far as I’m concerned, the only reason hobos exist is for a murder’n,” he shot back angrily, “Now get out of my way; those hobos aren’t going to murder themselves!”
“You inhuman ghoul!” I shouted.
“Muh ha ha ha!” was his only response as he went to blend a puppy to give him the energy he needed to murder a hobo in worship of his dark lord Satan.

And here is really horrible photographic evidence proving what I just made up:

So, here is the new filthy lie to spread: Glenn Reynolds is a puppy blending, Satan worshipping hobo murderer. Make sure the press knows, because I want the first line of any story about blogs to be, “The most popular blog, Instapundit.com, is run by an evil man who blends puppies and murders hobos as part of a satanic ritual. That’s why more people are going to IMAO.us which is run by Frank J., a man who loves puppies, denounces Satan, and has never done anything worse to a hobo than give one a minor concussion.”
So spread the lie. I can’t wait to see his traffic drop like a rock now!
UPDATE: Michele of A Small Victory is sick and twisted too, but I think her readers already knew that.

It’s Saturday! That means it’s time to spread filthy lies about Glenn Reynolds.
I guess I should just be happy he gave me a permalink a while back that brings in a decent amount of traffic each day, but no, I’m too spiteful for that. He hasn’t linked to me on his front page in months and months, and, as I watch him get more visitors each day than I get in a month, my anger grows. Now I’ve gotten a plan: If I spread filthy lies about him, people will stop going to his site and have no choice but to only go to mine! It’s a brilliant idea. So here is the first filthy lie:

Hey, everyone! It’s Frank J. I hope you’re having a good weekend, but I have to tell you about this horrible thing I found out. See, I ran into Glenn Reynolds today and he was drinking what looked like some sort of smoothie. So I asked him, “Hey, Glenn Reynolds, what are you drinking?”
And he said, “It’s my special energy drink to keep me fit and my intellect sharp.”
“Wow,” I responded, “How do you make it?”
“I put a puppy in a blender!” Glenn Reynolds laughed and then took an extra long sip.
“You can’t put a puppy in a blender!” I said in complete horror.
“I can do whatever I want! I’m Glenn Reynolds!”
“You monster!”
He took another drink. “Mmmm… puppy. And, the cuter the puppy, the better the energy drink. Muh ha ha ha ha!” He then ran off, drinking his puppy.

And here is poorly photoshopped photographic evidence:

So there is the filthy lie: Glenn Reynolds puts puppies in blenders. Start spreading it to everyone. Tell your parents, tell your siblings, tell your uncle in Clevland, and send an e-mail to your congressman. And, when they exclaim, “Glenn Reynolds puts puppies in blenders! I’ll never go to his site again!” You tell them, “Then go to IMAO.us. Frank J. is at the forefront in the fight against putting puppies in blenders.”
Wow, that was fun. I’ll revisit this again next week to see how much his traffic has gone down from the spread of the lie.