It’s Saturday! That means it’s time to spread filthy lies about Glenn Reynolds.
I guess I should just be happy he gave me a permalink a while back that brings in a decent amount of traffic each day, but no, I’m too spiteful for that. He hasn’t linked to me on his front page in months and months, and, as I watch him get more visitors each day than I get in a month, my anger grows. Now I’ve gotten a plan: If I spread filthy lies about him, people will stop going to his site and have no choice but to only go to mine! It’s a brilliant idea. So here is the first filthy lie:
Hey, everyone! It’s Frank J. I hope you’re having a good weekend, but I have to tell you about this horrible thing I found out. See, I ran into Glenn Reynolds today and he was drinking what looked like some sort of smoothie. So I asked him, “Hey, Glenn Reynolds, what are you drinking?”
And he said, “It’s my special energy drink to keep me fit and my intellect sharp.”
“Wow,” I responded, “How do you make it?”
“I put a puppy in a blender!” Glenn Reynolds laughed and then took an extra long sip.
“You can’t put a puppy in a blender!” I said in complete horror.
“I can do whatever I want! I’m Glenn Reynolds!”
“You monster!”
He took another drink. “Mmmm… puppy. And, the cuter the puppy, the better the energy drink. Muh ha ha ha ha!” He then ran off, drinking his puppy.
And here is poorly photoshopped photographic evidence:
So there is the filthy lie: Glenn Reynolds puts puppies in blenders. Start spreading it to everyone. Tell your parents, tell your siblings, tell your uncle in Clevland, and send an e-mail to your congressman. And, when they exclaim, “Glenn Reynolds puts puppies in blenders! I’ll never go to his site again!” You tell them, “Then go to IMAO.us. Frank J. is at the forefront in the fight against putting puppies in blenders.”
Wow, that was fun. I’ll revisit this again next week to see how much his traffic has gone down from the spread of the lie.
Talk to me when he puts bunnies in a blender.
I can live with the puppy juice. Bunnies are a no-no.
Yeah, then I could get Anna on my side too…
I’ve done my bit to spread the word.
I hope you’ll remember this when you attain fame and fortune.
Actually, I was just about to get to delinking you today, but you are now spared for another day.
I’ve heard that John Hawkins does the same thing. I think it will soon become the trendy thing for all right wingers to do. We better jump on the bandwagon before it’s to late. Puppies are kind of annoying anyway.
Your a slow delinker, Frank J. It must be all the posts you’ve been writing lately. Not that I’m complaining, I guess.
Stop spreading such lies about John Hawkings! I can’t believe your nerve.
I gotta spend less time checking on this site; I’m trying to write a novel over here.
If Dan Ackroyd can puree a fish in a blender and get laughs (Bass-o-matic), I’m not so sure this puppy slushie lie will do the trick. In fact, his share of the Korean demographic could skyrocket.
Frank, you ARE linked by Glenn; under “pure bloggers” right there between Diana Hseih and The IndePundit.
oh wait, maybe that’s what you meant by “permalink”. I don’t know what “his front page” is. I don’t know what I’m talking about. Nevermind.
Kittens taste better.
When I was growing up, my neighbor used to go squirrel hunting a lot. Sometimes he would sell the squirrels to an old black fellow who lived a block or so away, called Doodles Patterson. Doodles would pay $2 or so for a squirrel.
So after stocking his freezer, my friend took some extra squirrels to sell to Doodles. Doodles said “I preciate this. I really do. But next time, could ya leave the hides on ’em? See, people been comin’ roun here, and I believe they been tryin’ to sell me kittens.”
Puppies are cool–with a little Cumin and Oregano and a bunch of Garlic. Yip dogs now, that’s what we need to move into next. Chihuahuas, and Yorkies (shave ’em first), and other topwater bait type dogletts. Yum!!
“Dead Puppies Aren’t Much Fun”
Some potential new lyrics:
Dead puppies aren’t much fun
Unless you blend them with some rum
Dead puppies aren’t much fun
Pureed my puppy like a malt
Poured him in a glass so tall
Dead puppies aren’t much fun
You can’t make them beg for food
But in a shake they are so good
Dead puppies aren’t much fun
They won’t roll over, they won’t play ball
Slurp them from a glass, that’s all
Dead puppies aren’t much fun
When you pick them up they sag
blend them well so you won’t gag
Dead puppies aren’t much fun
Reynolds isn’t feeling well
too many puppies, too short a spell
Dead puppies aren’t much fun
But yum yum yum
Or not…
No no no! You’re supposed to be disgusted and horrified by the actions of Glenn Reynolds. This is going horribly.
I’m horrified! How could Glenn do such an evil thing! Call PETA! Call the White House! And for goodness’ sake, call Kevin Drum — he’s always keeping a close eye on the doings of Evil Glenn.
I wonder how many requests Glenn will get for the puppy energy drink recipe?
Jeez, Frank. First we see stories of Donald Rumsfeld shooting uppity reporters in press conferences, and now you have Glenn Reynolds grinding up puppies in a blender. It’s only a matter of time before these get reported with a straight face as gospel truth on al-Jazeera or NPR.
Hey everybody, let’s go over the Glenn’s place, he has puppy shakes.
Ummm… I heard… that Glenn Reynolds slept with Hillary. Knowingly and with full intent. And… that he is a vegetarian. Also a friend of mine says he saw the Instamobile, which is one of those icky european-type environmentalist low emission liberal-wet-dream and it has a “Stop the American Imperialist Jews” bumper sticker on it.
There, I’ve done MY part. Down With Instapundit! Down With Instapundit!
Ah, us guys over at Happy Fun Pundit knew all along, and will now attempt to siphon off some of Frank’s traffic with this link.
Oops. Guess Frank foresaw the possibility of weaselly traffic-siphoning… well, just click on my name instead.
You were missing href and quotes around the link. I fixed it for you, so don’t siphon all my traffic.
Though I believe it is cruel to put a puppy in a blender, it would be much worse if he only put half a puppy in a blender. Probably the back half, so one could look into the big puppy-dog eyes as the tail and hind legs get chopped up on the slowest setting. When enough of the thing was a gooey mess, he could toss the remaining carcass back to its mother. Naturally this technique doesn’t fill a blender very quickly so the next step would be to rip another pup from its mother’s teat and cram it tail first into the pitcher of the device. Can’t go wrong with a handfull of strawberries and some rum.
Oh no, Michele! Not bunnies!
All these posts, and nobody has NAMED this drink yet? Suggestions:
Chipper Chihuahua
Dachsund Delight
Pekingese Puree
Malted Maltese
Shar Pei Shake
Shredded Shih-Tzu
Tumbled Terrier
Notice that these are mostly kick-me dogs, the party bonus is that you don’t have to use a puppy — they’ll fit in the margarita maker regardless.
Great Frank.
You post this thing about puppies in a blender and Reynolds goes missing.
Can’t wait to hear the tale of how some podunk inbred Tennessee yokel with a dime store badge, a wad o chaw, mirrored sunglasses, 4000 hound dogs, an AOL account and no sense of humor, or sense in general has hauled Glenn in to spend some time in ‘his jail’ in some backwoods county down there, and he’s having to sit there till Monday when the local magistrate, that happens to be the brother-in-law, nephew, 1st, 2nd, and third cousin to the Barney Fife wannabe, decides to take a break from tinkering with his still to come in and set Glenn’s bail at $75.
Sheesh. Smooth move…..
Puppy-Drinking Watch: Day 2
The silence from Glenn Reynolds is damning. He might as well have been hanging out with Scott Peterson, ready to skip to Mexico the moment the story blew open. Perhaps he already has.
Glenn Reynolds: Fugitive from Justice?
Hey Wind rider!!!!Not all of us tennesseeans use aol…(the rest, of course, is correct;-) Don’t know where ol Gleen is…tried the other day to get him to come out and drink a beer, but to no avail. Hell, i was even gonna buy! Guess i should have offered a poodle-smoothie!
I silence and his absence is quite damning. Probably hiding from all the accusing fingers. Bwa ha ha ha ha!
This is revolting. How anybody could ruin perfectly good puppy-meat by putting it in a smoothie is beyond me. It’s like cutting good bourbon with water.
No puupies for traffic!
I would like to point out that this all a bloodthirsty quest by Reynolds to steal more traffic from the oppressed middle-east! Innocent puppies are being killed by Reynolds’ bombs and Super-Juicer™ all for his purely evil genocidal whims! Our right to free speech is being raped! Fight the power!
No puppies for traffic!
and he is eating French fries, too!
You should have for a lie Glenn Reynolds wearing a commie hat, holding an AK-47, and saying, “I love Stalin and Soviet Russia.” Then have “Go to http://www.imao.us, because Frank J hates commies!”
……yummy, yummy!
Woohoo! You managed to get linked. Congratulations!
That photoshopped terrier is whizzing on Glenn’s leg!
TO: michelle
RE: Bunnies im Blender
“Talk to me when he puts bunnies in a blender.” — michelle
That’s a waste of good woman-flesh. Not to mention a capital crime.
Regards,
Chuck(le)
Ruff!
Ruff, ruff, ruff.
Rufff, Grrr, Ruff.
Grr, Grr, Grrr, GRrr, Grrr
Ruff!
Gelln Wrennils puppy frap at McDonnels Bagdad maek Irak chiledrn fatenhappie.
US so low then low.
Help, I’ve been puced and I can’t get up!
That’s clearly a bass-o-matic in the picture.
Where was it that I heard the expression “happiness is a warm puppy served with a dry, white wine?”
Puppy-based energy drinks? Brings new meaning to “Puppy Power.” Scrappy Doo was a cannibal…
“I can do whatever I want! I’m Glenn Reynolds!”
—Sounds like Reynolds with my grade after I had Torts I with him in my first year of law school…JTJ
It’s pretty obvious that picture is FAKE! Everyone knows he uses Golden Retrievers for his Reynold’s Rummy Retriever. That is no Golden Retriever!
YUCK.
Comparing Glenn’s daily average with mine, he gets more in a day than I get in three years. It’s kind of sad.
I think my brain is gone down the damn drain. My name is Apert. This is living art. Bow to my PBR funk ya dum dunk.
Mmm…..”Bichon-Freeze” 😛
that is so mean but it’s also pretty funny would you actually do some thing that sick because if you did you need alot of help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sweet thats so cool i did that to my dog once it was great and also very good. I loved the taste of the dogs blood
We must be mindful when making puppy malts or shakes, that someone really loved that puppy… it seems only fair to let them have the first sip.
Speaking of which…
http://www.vigilancematters.com
Well it took a while, but…
Puppy blender now returns the proper page as first result.
you f***in sick bastard how could you think like that
On this one-year anniversary, we only be thankful it wasn’t hamsters.
wow you now have the full attention of the sin bots! they must like a nice puppy smoothie after a delightful dinner with some anime cartoon porn and a lively game on online slots… or is it sluts?
You have the cutest little picture on the left of your screen–oh wait, THAT’S basil!! Great puppy story.
basil’s Mean Sister (who is 5’6″)
The fact that people are still commenting on this post after nearly two years is astonishing. Without a doubt, it’s the funniest thing I’ve read on the internet EVERY TIME I READ IT!
SH – yeah, it is amazing & damn funny … and once you get past all the comment-spam you can read the comments too!
/TJ
… NIF
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My Gawd, Basil not Basil’s mean sister?
Yeah, you don’t wanna mess with her. She’s mean.