Russian company claims it has put computer chips in cows’ brains to make them produce more milk
Not The Bee | June 19, 2026 | Harambe HarambeAlthough much of the technology remains speculative, the Russian company Neiry claims to have directly implanted neural devices in the brains of dairy cows…
The company said in its announcement that the cows that received the initial neurostimulation devices ‘remained conscious, felt well, experienced no discomfort, and have already returned to their normal production cycles on the farm.’ It did not detail how the devices were implanted, what research went into designing them or what animal welfare precautions were taken.
More interesting still is just how such a device would affect cows in the first place.
… Charmingly scrawl funny ads about eating more chicken…
Stampede on command…
Produce skim, low-fat, whole milk, and half-and-half from different teats…
Produce a Moscow Mule with some real kick…
How not to become a victim of cattle mutilation while standing in the middle of a field.
Come home at a decent hour.
Steal Knicks garbage cans, after dumping the trash onto the street. Oh wait, we’re talking a different cow.
I think it was a Jersey Cow.
Make cow-tipping a requirement – 25% is the minimum, comrade…
Cows:
“No more cowbell from us until all you sorry bastids start ponying up in fact we just might start consficating everyone’s cow bells door to door commie style ..kapeesh?”
Produce one panel comics showing cartoonists trying to look clean cut and sober when observed by farm animals.
Dimocrats:
“We have proof the Russians somehow inserted a chip into Trump’s brain and they have been controlling him since right before his first election.
They first tested it on Hillary and said everything worked perfectly.”
#Include
bool moo = TRUE;
bool isTipped = FALSE;
void setup() {
Serial.begin(9600);
cow.begin();
pinMode(1, INPUT);
}
void loop(){
if (Serial.available() > 0) {
isTipped = Serial.read()
}
else {
moo = digitalRead(1)
}
tipped();
void tipped(){
While (!isTipped) {
Frolick();
chewCud();
return;
}
struggle();
}
Pre Windows computer code eh?
Gotta love it.
I didn’t want to set the baud rate too high. I figure they’re kinda slow, right?
Not really intended, but the cows now have their own version of The Underground Railroad to get their fellow bovines to India.
Also not intended to be known:
Hillary once had Mad Cow Disease.
Comrade cow, you will produce more milk, Da? You do not want the electirical shock again, Da? Chip can also explode, so more milk, right? Da?
Since they’re running Windows 11, the milk is now coming out of their eyes.
Cybergers and chips.
Can signal for help when Chuck Schumer puts cold cheese on a cold burger.
Make cows tip themselves
Why am I reminded of the song “Cows with Guns”?
Because he was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy
No one suspected he was packing an Uzi?