From the future:
Man Will Die on Fourth of July Trying To Light Off Fireworks
He just doesn’t know it yet.
Check back here in November for our turducken fatality forecast.
Archive of entries posted on 12th June 2026
Bond Girlathon Friday : Results from 6/5/2026 : New Matches for 6/12/2026
Hello, we still going with this? I hope so.
Results from 6/5/2026
| Denise Perrier | No Preference | Mie Hama |
| 94 | 3 | 34 |
| (16) Izabella Scorupco | No Preference | Akiko Wakabayashi |
| 128 | 1 | 44 |
New Matches for 6/12/2026
Match 1
Tsai Chin (Ling) vs (4) Famke Janssen (Xenia Onatopp)
| Contestant | Record | Total Scores |
| Tsai Chin | 0 – 6 – 0 | 252 – 9 – 844 |
Actress: Tsai Chin Nationality: Chinese Bond Movie: You Only Live Twice (1967) Synopsis:
In the opening scenes of the film, Bond is shown in bed with Ling, as the two discuss why Chinese girls taste different from all other girls. Ling gets up and presses a button that rockets the bed upwards into the wall, and two gunmen enter the room to kill Bond. It is later revealed to the audience that Ling was helping to stage Bond’s death in order to keep his enemies off his back.
VS
| Contestant | Record | Total Scores |
|---|---|---|
| (4) Famke Janssen | 6 – 0 – 0 | 864 – 8 – 284 |
Actress: Famke Janssen Nationality: Dutch Bond Movie: Goldeneye (1995) Synopsis:
Xenia Onatopp was a henchwoman working alongside the traitor General Ourumov. She stole a Tiger Helicopter, a new prototype that was resistant to electromagnetic pulses. She then helped Ourumov steal the codes and launch key for the Goldeneye satellite weapon from the Severnaya Space Control Centre. She killed the staff and programmed Goldeneye to destroy the facility with electromagnetic pulses that wouldn’t effect the Tiger. She flirted with Bond and tried to kill him on multiple occasions, but Bond ended up onatopp.
Match 2
Karin Dor (Helga Brandt) vs Serena Gordon (Caroline)
| Contestant | Record | Total Scores |
|---|---|---|
| Karin Dor | 1 – 5 – 0 | 365 – 10 – 790 |
Actress: Karin Dor Nationality: German Bond Movie: You Only Live Twice (1967) Synopsis:
Helga Brandt was a SPECTRE henchwoman who pretended to fall in love with Bond and switch to his side, only to try and kill him the next morning. For failing to kill Bond, Brandt is killed by head of SPECTRE Blofeld, who drops her into a pool of piranha fish. Helga Brandt was very similar to prior Bond girl Fiona Volpe, as the producers tried to replicate their prior success.
VS
| Contestant | Record | Total Scores |
|---|---|---|
| Serena Gordon | 1 – 5 – 0 | 405 – 15 – 674 |
Actress: Serena Gordon Nationality: English Bond Movie: Goldeneye (1995) Synopsis:
Caroline was a psychological evaluator working for MI6. She was sent by M to evaluate Bond, who took her for a drive in his Aston Martin DB5. Bond drove very fast and engaged in a race with Xenia Onatopp, making Caroline very uncomfortable. After screaming at Bond to slow down, Bond came to an abrupt stop, and seduced Caroline with a bottle of Bollinger champagne hidden in an armrest. The two proceed with a “very thorough evaluation.”
