Iraqi information minister promised Friday that his nation’s military would launch an “unconventional” counterattack against the coalition troops. Wow, that could mean anything, but I got my crack research staff to come up with the most likely unconventional tactics the Iraqis may use.
* Swarming us with monkeys on fire.
* Confusing us with interpretive dance involving hand raising and white flags.
* Running away.
* Waiting to ambush us in Aruba.
* Ninja fighting.
* Dressing up as transvestites and pelting us with sling shots.
* Committing suicide.
* Call us names from a safe distance.
* Leader paints half of face blue and then they all charge us while wearing kilts.
* Actually using some sort of military tactic.
* Trying to kick sand in our eyes.
* Hitting their own troops with gamma rays to see if any will develop superpowers instead of cancer.
* Knowing they can’t win against our technology, they try to draw the troops into settling the war with a disco dance competition.
* Changing all road signs to trick coalition forces that they took a wrong turn and are actually in Bulgaria.
* Name camels the new military leaders so assassination attempts will be against them.
* Wearing chicken costumes and telling our troops, “There’s no one here but us chickens. Bock Bock.”
Unconventional tactics can be confusing for our troops, who will just have to stick to their usual attack of shooting things that move. That’s how we won all our other wars.